


Silent Song

by RedKitsune



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avenger Loki (Marvel), Controlling Behavior, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Healing, Kidnapping, Mental Instability, Minor Character Death, Mute OFC, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Avengers (2012), ofc is Tony's little sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-07-18 08:51:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 112,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16115018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedKitsune/pseuds/RedKitsune
Summary: Tony Stark’s little sister went missing in the car accident that killed their parents. At age 11, she was presumed dead, body never recovered and the world was never the same again for Tony. The world mourned the deaths of the three and eventually moved on. Tony moved on.That would have been a merciful ending for a child that was the balance to her brother but for Hotaru Stark, it was not the end. Many times in the 14 years following the accident, she had prayed for death but yet she lived. Year after year, she lived as she resigned herself to the life she was doomed to live. Until that life changed in the blink of an eye. Can she learn to live her life? Or will she always be a shadow of what she could have been? How does her presence change those around her?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Murder, Abuse, sexual assault, rape, sex, language, drinking, torture (not all in one chapter nor always explicit). This is not a light story, it deals with heavy topics and experiences. OC has not had a easy life

Subject 132 huddled on the cold concrete floor. It was cold, but it numbed the pain that seemed to come from everywhere. To her left, Subject 133 had been dead for three days, she was starting to smell as flies danced in the air around her. Subject 131 and 134 sat, back against the wall behind her. Their eyes were blank and the thin cotton dresses they all wore hung limply from their frames. They would be the next to be sacrificed from her cell. It didn’t matter. 132 didn’t feel sad knowing they would die soon, in so many ways they were already dead. If their keepers didn’t kill the two, they would die within the week regardless as they would likely not bother to eat or drink. Eventually, her time would come too.

Heavy steps echoed through the hall, causing her to look up. The metal collar bit into her neck causing a fresh pain that hardly registered in her mind. The man crouched down to look into the cell, it was only four feet from floor to ceiling but stood taller, kept on a wheeled cart.

“Backs against the wall.” he ordered. With a silent whimper, she does as she is told. Four blank eyes watch her and the guard. She drags her foot along the floor as she takes her place next to them, unsure if it was dislocated, broken or simply bruised badly. It didn’t matter. With a rattle of the key, the door opens and the body is hauled out and tossed away, as if nothing more then common trash. She is thankful, with it gone the flies wouldn’t be so bad. 

Large guards picked up the chains outside the cell. Wheels creaked as the cart was moved forward, pulled into a large room. Subject 132 watched from her place against the only solid wall of the cell, hoping to see a glimmer of daylight. It had been years since she had seen the sun, since she was sold to these people. It wasn’t the first time she was sold, but in her heart she knew it was the last time. They wouldn’t sell her. They didn’t sell anyone. No one left their care alive.

At first, they had treated her kindly. She was washed, dressed and fed. But that was just a lie. With a shake of her head, she banished the thoughts and returned her mind to the dirty present. It didn’t do any good to think of the past. Instead, she wondered if it would be one of her cellmates this time. Or maybe someone from another cell, there were 4 currently occupied, each with between two and four people. All women. All younger. 

The chanting started as soon as the wheels stopped. She kept her eyes on the alter in the center of the room. It was better to watch. If you didn’t watch then you were punished. A man in thick robes approached her cell. She wasn’t scared. Today it would not be her, for she wasn’t fully broken.

Maybe, if she pretended to be, they would pick her next time and it could all be over. Passivly, she wondered if it hurt. Subject 131 didn’t even make a sound as she was pulled from the cell and the door locked again. The only ones not chanting were the subjects and the guards, wearing black and armed. They would sometimes talk and so she would listen. She knew they wanted to summon a power. The ones in robes believed to worship the power, the guards wanted to control it, to use it.

It didn’t really matter. Their talk was something to occupy her mind with as she tried to clutch her sanity. It was some weird form of pillow talk for some guards after a around of torture. Subject 131 was placed on the alter, resting face up, holding a knife pointed at her own stomach. Subject 132 absently flaked dried blood off her thighs as she watched.

Chaos came suddenly. The priests for a moment thought they summoned their god. The guards were much quicker to realize they were under attack. Subject 132 just watched it happen, numb, expecting that this was their most creative torture yet, to make them think they had been rescued just to snatch the hope away. A few subjects cried out in joy, thinking they were rescued but 132 wouldn’t allow herself to believe it. To hope was to be disappointed. So, she watched. 

It was only when a guard worked his way up from the end of the chain of wheeled cells that she realized this wasn’t a trick. In each cell, he pointed his gun and fired. Quick, clean shots ending the lives of each subject inside. Some screamed, some begged for their lives as he approached. Not all were broken yet. None were like her.

She watched as he came to her cell, tears in her eyes as subject 134’s life was ended. Subject 132 watched as the gun was leveled on her, he was taking careful aim, each shot he made was clean. One and done. His finger lifted again, moving to hover above the trigger. Each movement seemed to be in slow motion. She could count her heartbeats as she waited.

It was fascinating when in the center of his skull, blood blossomed around a silver blade. As the guard fell to the ground, she scooted toward the front of the cell and she realized he had been killed. A blue handled long dagger jutted from the back of his skull. Whatever would happen to her next, she would know in time. For now, it was safe to assume she now belonged to these new people. She would be whatever they wanted her to be and hopefully, they wouldn’t decide they wanted her to be dead.

When a black haired man yanked the dagger from the corpse, she quickly pressed her back against the cell wall again. He was tall, fair skinned and dressed in dark leathers. As chaos continued to rage around her, she closed her eyes finally and focused on steadying her breathing. Shouting, crashing and gunfire filled her ears. Oh how she wished to do something as simple as scream into this chaos.

They didn’t realize there was a survivor in the cells right away. She sat deathly still, hands clutching her head and dark hair shadowing her face. The battle was over and prisoners marched out. The silence was deafening. During the chaos, subject 131 had plunged the knife into her stomach and she was among the many corpses. Many of the broken simply forgot to breath or died from the excessive stress of the situation. Most were killed by the guard.

The first cell was pulled open and the bodies removed. The men talked softly with each other, sobered by the amount of death around them. This wasn’t what they were used to, this wasn’t what they signed up for. When finally her cell was forced open, she didn’t so much as flinch. Subject 134 was pulled out. Subject 132 held her breath. She could hear them commenting on the fact that each collar was numbered.

A man in a gaudy form fitting blue outfit complete with stars grabbed her injured ankle, giving it a tug to pull her more into reach. He wasn’t looking at her when he did it and so when her other foot came down, stomping her heal with as much force as she could onto his face as she clawed her way back to the solid wall, eyes wide in panic. It wasn’t wholly intentional- the pain when he pulled took over her mind and body for a moment. But she didn’t want to be a slave again, she’d rather starve to death in her little cell. In the time between the fighting starting and the silence after it ended, her will to live crumpled. These people were not going to be any better then the last. 

For what it was worth, he did let go of her, more out of shock. The man stepped back and called to his teammates. Soon, more people crowded around the door, talking to her. She cringed back at their words, tears slipping down her dirty face. So many voices, so many faces, so many people. She didn’t want them to hurt her. 

“Back up, give her space!” A man yelled as he pushed his way through, making his way to the cage. “My name is Doctor Stephen Strange.” he said, softer as he waved the others away. “What’s your name?”

He waited patiently for her to answer. With a hand shaking more then his own, she pointed at the collar. “We’ll get that off you.” she pointed again at the numbers. “132? Is that what they call you?” timidly, she gives just the slightest nod. They wouldn’t be leaving her alone. The sound of his voice was reassuring and so she focused on it as he spoke to his teammates, directing them to go and wait for them.

When he looked back at her she was closer. She had decided she didn’t want to die. For all this time, she didn’t hold onto her sanity to just die now. The man she had kicked waited a good 15 feet away, his hood pulled down and light hair exposed. Dr. Strange watched her looking at the man.

“He wont hurt you. No one else is going to hurt you.” For a moment, she just looked at his hand, offered to her to help her out of her cell. He wasn’t sure if she would take it. At first, she wasn’t going to but her heart was pounding in her chest and her head was swimming.

“There you go.” A slight smile graced his face as she slipped out of the door, her hand in his ever so timidly. She made it all of three steps before her knees buckled under her weight. Doctor Strange’s arm was around her in a heartbeat and slowed her decent to the ground. He hadn’t been surprised, her limbs were clearly weak and she was so very thin.

“We will take care of you.” She tried to stand again, to make her weak limbs work but they wouldn’t, no matter how much she tired. The man in blue was at their side quickly enough but she hardly saw him as her vision faded into black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter does contain vague mention of the physical injury resulting from sexual assault.

The light was too bright behind her eyelids. It hurt and the pain caused her throat to tighten in what would be a groan, should be a groan that would alert others to her waking. Rather than confront the light, she turned her head away from it but that did little to help, it seemed to come from everywhere. The weight of a blanket on her was comforting even as she shifted. She hadn’t had a blanket in many years.

“Looks like she’s coming too.” A man spoke. His voice was warm and just hardly familiar, yet it held a hard edge to it. When she braved opening her eyes, she could see it was the man from before, or at least one of them. This one had given her his name but she had forgotten it, it didn’t matter really. “Here, have some water.” the man spoke when her eyes locked on his for a moment as he reached for something, ever fleeting and unsure where she was to look. Some keepers, some masters wanted their pets to keep their eyes on the floor, to never look around. Others, wanted to be looked in the eye when they spoke.

When she tried to sit up, he had to help her while pretending to not notice her flinching at his touch. Once she was sitting, he handed her a bottle of clean fresh water. It was the clearest water she had to drink in months, maybe years. Probably years. 

He wanted her to have water and so she needed to have the water. Just because these people were not her prior captives didn’t mean she was safe from punishment from them. She had been passed from keeper to keeper, it was always better to just do as told from the start. Her head swam as she sat and watched him reach down, grabbing a protein bar off the ground and unwrapping it.

“Drink.” he reminded her and so she did, taking tentative slow sips. If she drank too fast, her stomach would retch, it had been so long. Vomiting normally would lead to punishment. 

She tried to look around the best she could without actually moving her head much but the room fairly empty, crates were being used as benches as she was resting on the only padded bench. The roar of engines could be heard from outside and so it felt safe to assume she was in the air.

“Eat, slowly. I’ll be right back.” The man handed her the bar and with a swift movement, the man rose to his feet, leaving to speak with his teammates while his cloak flapped behind him. Being left alone, she felt braver to look around and try to get her bearings. Slowly, she moved to rest her back against the solid wall behind her, freeing up space on the padded bench and relaxing her tired muscles. To even hold herself sitting up was hard and with the back support, she could almost rest again without laying down.

It felt safer sitting that way, as she pulled her knees up, making herself small and using them as a protective barrier. At least, if anything was thrown at her, she wouldn’t risk her core being injered. To her right, sat the man with the long black hair. He was bound by chains but seemed not to struggle. She remembered his swift movements as he danced about during battle, cutting down guards as he went. He was the one who killed the man who intended to end her life. Feeling her eyes on him, he turned to look at her, sneering at her dirty form.

“Cat got your tongue?” The bite in his voice caused her to flinch and yank her eyes down to her lap. Looking at this one wasn’t good.

“Brother!” A large voice boomed. “Be nice to the poor girl.” After the admonishing, the black haired man sat silent for a moment longer before speaking again, much softer. “You should eat that.” The words didn’t carry beyond them. So, she did.

“Do you remember me?” The first man came back, holding a wet rag and a bucket. All eyes were on her as he sat on the edge of the bench, facing her. She nodded, her face masked by the tangles of long dark hair. They sat in silence for a few beats of time, him waiting for her to speak and her waiting for some sort of direction.

“Remember, I said I’m a Doctor.” Again she nodded. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk right now. I know you’ve been through a lot. We are going to help you. You are safe now.” When she acknowledged his words with a nod, he reached out pushing her hair back. Blood and dirt covered her face. Softly, he wiped her face clean as best he could.

With a gentle hand, he cleaned her arms and bandaging the cuts and scrapes. It pleased him that she allowed it, even as she flinched at every touch. When her arms where dealt with, he moved to wipe down her legs, starting at her feet. She did okay as he worked until he moved up past her knees.

The dried blood between her thighs left little doubt as to what one of the methods of torture was, but none wanted to be the one to say it. It was a lot of blood. She flinched back hard as the rag ran over the end of the trail of blood, pulling her legs away, back to her chest again.

The dress didn’t cover much and with her legs pulled up to her chest, Strange could see the smears of blood on her upper thighs as well the bruising shaped like hands. They had all gone into this mission knowing that the Priests working with Hydra spared no method of torture but seeing the reality in front of them left them all shaken. No one could say if it would hurt less if there were no survivors, if they found nothing but corpses left of the victims.

“We thought maybe you’d feel better if you got cleaned up.” It was the man in blue spoke, kneeling in front of her. The man tired to keep his eyes on her face, but as he knelt down she saw the flicker of his eyes going down to her legs before returning to her eyes. When she just looked through him, he sighed and left.

“When we land, a medic will examine you better.” The Doctor spoke, standing. He was surprised when she reached out, fingers ghosting over his cloak. “You’ll be safe.” The reassurance was ignored as she lightly held his cloak.

“Seems you made a friend.” The black haired man in chains spoke, amusement dripping from his voice. Doctor looked at Black hair, mouth opening to give a reply but she lightly tugged the cloak, drawing his eyes to her. “Would you rather I do it?”

It wasn’t surprising when her only answer came as a nod. He sat next to her as she dozed back to sleep. On the other side of the cabin, Stark leaned against the wall watching them, looking haunted. It was a ghost over her features but he could see his mother in her face. It was a sad trick of simple genetics, he was sure. As she slept, she was watched over, only to stir when startled awake during landing.

As the cabin rocked and jolted with the landing, she clutched her knees and squeezed her eyes closed as terror washed over her. Never before had she been in a aircraft, at least that she could remember. The team began filing out of the craft when the door dropped down. The large man who called Black hair ‘Brother’ hauled him to his feet much to his protests of being just fine on his own. She listened as the large man spoke softly to his brother, reminding him that it was just for a short time. Whatever that meant.

It was 'black hair’ who noticed that she hadn’t even gotten up first. “Are you not forgetting the little mouse?” She could tell the words were more spoken to get attention off of himself. Why was he in chains? He seemed to be a prisoner but he was the only one in the cabin. Additionally, he didn’t carry himself with the air of a prisoner.

The Doctor man was kneeling next to her again, drawing her attention from the brothers. “Do you feel like you can walk?” When she gave a small nod, he offered her his hand to help her stand. Rather then taking his shaking hand, she gripped his arm as she rose to her feet where she swayed for a bit.

“Stark.” Doctor called to a teammate. “I’ll need use of the medical bay.”

“Right this way, Wizard.” Stark cocked his head as he spoke, glancing down at the girl for a moment before adverting his eyes. Looking at her made him uncomfortable. It made them all uncomfortable, he told himself. Stark had strong features, though just a bit softer then the sharper features on Black and Doctor.

Stark walked swiftly toward the doors as she and Doctor moved much slower. The concrete was warm under her feet and she risked looking at the night sky. While her small hands clutched at his arm for support, she still often stumbled. Mostly, she kept her head down, eyes on the ground. She risked glancing up and saw Stark leaning against the wall.

As they approached him, her knees gave out. Doctor tried to catch her but with his shaking hands she slipped out of his grasp. Lucky for her, Stark’s arms reached out and grabbed her around the shoulders, stopping her from hitting the ground.

“Whoa, you okay Little Mouse?” She didn’t offer any answer.

“Little Mouse?” The Doctor held open the door for them, his hands now free from holding her.

“I’m not going to call her 132.” Stark shuffles her through the door before deciding that her walking was going to take too long and sweeping her legs up over his arm. He carried her, cradled to his chest. “Light as a mouse and she hasn’t even peeped.”

Stark carried her through long halls, down an elevator and more halls. He met another older man in the hall. “Tony! Dr. Strange, Good to see you.” The man greeted them by name. She filed his names away, not wanting to forget it again.

“Dr. Banner.” Dr. Strange greeted easily with a nod. The man was sent away to return with a change of clothes for her.

Before she knew it, she was set on a bench that resembled a exam table. As soon as Stark’s hands left her, she pulled herself into a ball again, hiding away the best she could. Strange unwrapped bandages as Tony gave Dr. Bruce Banner the rundown of how their mission went. Her attention was dragged back to Dr. Strange as he worked.

“Can you tell me your name?” He asked softly. She didn’t respond, beyond looking up at him. “Okay, do you know your name?” When she pointed at the number on her collar he sighed. “Before you were 132?” Finally, she moved her head indicating 'no’.

Once he had looked at everything he could without removing her dress, he knew the hard part would begin. She watched as he walked back to Stark. They spoke, not thinking she could hear them. In truth, she could hear them almost perfectly. Without the ability to speak, her ears became well tuned to the world around her, needing to hear what those who could speak said. It helped to find answers to questions she couldn’t ask.

“You both need to leave and cut recording to this room.” The Doctor’s words were soft. Bruce questioned why, but Stark was silent. He had seen the blood on her legs. Everyone out on the mission likely had and none were dumb enough to outright ignore the type of trauma was the likely cause. As uncomfortable as it was for everyone involved, Dr Strange needed to examine her, blood meant ripping, taring and the possibility of permanent damage and infection. “We need to know what other injuries she may have.” was his more palatable answer.

“Any clues on who she is?” Bruce asked. When Strange didn’t have any leads, he spoke again after thinking for a moment. “We could run DNA, maybe get lucky with at least a partial hit.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see if I can get a name on the Mouse. I’ll be in that lab.” Stark cocked his thumb to the lab across the hall. It wasn’t his usual haunt, but he could run the DNA from there and be within reach. Bruce was sent away with a blood sample of his own to run a full medical panel. “Just holler if you need me, Wizard.”

Their eyes met for a moment as he left the room. She was left alone with Dr. Strange. With a deep breath, he came to her slowly, as if trying not to startle a wild creature. In reality, that wasn’t too far from the truth.

“Have I hurt you at all?” the words were soft. 'no’ she offered with a shake of her head. “Have any of us hurt you?” Again she offered the slightest 'no’ with her head. “We want to help you, do you understand that?” Blue eyes watched her as she nodded. “You know, I need to examine all of you.” At this point he was pulling on old training he hadn’t used for years, not since taking a specialty in surgery. “I need to make sure you are okay, that nothing is infected or been permanently damaged. I’ll go slow, and you just let me know if I need to stop by pulling on my cloak, okay?”

She nodded as she allowed him to remove her dress and he gave her a sheet to cover herself with, allowing her the illusion of modesty and the ability to cover herself when he was done examining her more personal places. For what it was worth, him seeing her bare didn’t bother her too much. Many had seen her bare, why should it matter now? Yet the kindness he offered her made her feel more exposed then anything and so, she did end up using the sheet. No one had looked at her with such kindness in years, if ever before.

With a warm wet cloth he finished cleaning her, removing dirt and blood. With proper supplies, antibiotic ointment was applied to cuts and scrapes. None of her injuries were life threatening, though he wasn’t surprised, the cult had been trying to keep their sacrifices alive until they wanted them dead.

When he was finished with her torso he gave her an over sized shirt to slip over her. It hung off her frame, the dark blue fabric highlighting how sickly pale she was. It hung down over her hips, giving her some modesty as he helped her slip into black lounge pants.

“Lets get that collar off of you.” It surprised him when she clutched at his cloak. “We need to take it off, there could be infection under.” Finally, her hand dropped to finger his cloak yet she trembled slightly. Behind her neck, Dr. Strange was able to manipulate the lock and release it. The weight fell heavy into her lap and he set right to work cleaning. There were some sores that concerned him, but with antibiotics and clean dressing they would heal right up in time. As he came around the front of her neck however, he was confronted by a deep scar that gave him pause.

Instinctively, her hands went to her neck and covered the mark. She pulled her knees up and curled in on her self. Grabbing a pen light off the try he had been using he tilted her head back with a soft touch, instructing her as he looked down her throat. Doctor Strange knew he wouldn’t see exactly what he wanted, but he could see scar tissue deep down her throat, as far down as he could see unassisted.

“They took your voice.” It was a guess, without a way to look deeper down her throat he couldn’t see her vocal cords, if they were intact or how bad the damage was done. The tears in her eyes were more answer then he needed, but she nodded just the same. “Did you not want us to know?” She pressed her hands harder to her throat.

He was silent for a few minutes as he wrapped bandages over the sores on her neck. She didn’t want the scar being seen, that much was clear as day to Dr Strange. The bandages covered more then needed, he made sure her scar was covered well. After a moment, he unwrapped some of the bindings from his wrists, giving her a portion of the cloth scraps.

“I won’t tell them. It’s your story to tell. This would be more comfortable then the collar. You are free now.” He gestured to the cloth as he spoke. They sat in silence as he wrote up his notes, only omitting the scar on her neck.


	3. Chapter 3

While Dr. Strange attended to the girl they had labeled ‘Mouse’ for the time being, Stark got right to work scanning the DNA sample and beginning the search for a lead on her identity. His mind kept wondering back to his family and pains best left in the past as the computer did its job. There was no reason to go digging up old bones, he knew that and yet his mind kept circling back to those gray eyes. Gray like storm clouds. 

Tony Stark had long ago decided to stop living in the past. He housed under his very own roof a man who haunted his nightmares regularly. Tony had enough pains in the past to break a lesser man. Others often saw him as strong, yet be was as broken as the rest of them. Yes, it would do well to leave the past in the past. It seemed the past had other idea for him.

“Sir, one match has been located.” Jarvis spoke.

“Percent match?” He walked over to the hub of screens to look at the data himself, not rushing. There was no need to rush. The Little Mouse wasn’t going anywhere for at least a few hours. 

“100%. It’s a perfect match, Sir.” The AI spoke as the results populated. A true match was unexpected. Tony had hoped to find a lead to a missing person or a incarcerated relative but in reality, a small portion of the world’s population had their DNA logged, though with the creation of ancestor websites collecting and logging the information of countless willing users, the gap grew smaller constantly.

“Well, let’s see who the lovely lady is, now shall we?” Stark spoke yet when his eyes trained onto the screen, he was left dumbly looking at it. It showed the last family photo they had all taken together next to a image his sister in a frilly dress, violin held in her hands. On the side, the screen showed the DNA results matched with her record. Her name was at the top. “Re-run the test.” The order was sharp but he didn’t dismiss the results as much as he wanted to.

Looking at the genetic sequences on the screen, he could see they were a perfect match. That didn’t stop him from having the test reran seven more times, each with a different sample in hopes that he had somehow contaminated the samples. It was pointless, the logical part of him knew that if it was something as simple as a contamination of the sample, it wouldn’t have been an exact match. The screens in front of him offered him a truth he hadn’t been prepared for, a hope he had given up many years ago. After a few moments, a drink was decidedly what he needed above all else.

 

After examining her, Doctor Strange had ran an IV line, giving her fluids and had her sip on a sweet drink that provided much needed sugars. She felt stronger for it, being hydrated for the first time in who knew how long. As they had waited for the fluids to drip into her system, he told her what little he knew of the others as well as that he wasn’t going to be staying there. Again and again the Doctor reassured her that she would be safe with them. Her hair was tied back with the strip of fabric he gave her, pulling it away from the sharp set of her face. In time, as she gained weight her face would likely soften and maybe she would even be a pretty girl.

He could see that she didn’t want to be without him and that reinforced Doctor Strange’s need to go back home. The last thing he needed nor wanted was to become a security blanket. Finally, she weakly nodded her understanding when he offered that he would come back and see her. She didn’t want another Doctor to care for her, the idea clearly scared her. While he wasn’t actively practicing, nor was he a Primary Care Physician, he agreed at least for the time being. The legalities of the situation aside, he did still hold his medical license and the odds of her suing for malpractice were minimal.

Above them, Jarvis spoke from the speakers informing them that Stark wanted to go over the mission in 15 minutes time in the upper living space. 

“Come, little one, let’s get you upstairs and a proper meal into you.” Knowing she couldn’t speak, he watched for her little bob of the head before helping her off the table. The floor was cold under her feet but she showed no sign that it bothered her. While she felt stronger, she still walked slowly, fingers tangled into the thick fabric of his cloak. She liked how it felt in her hand, the heavy fabric seemed to coil around her hand, almost gripping her. It felt nice and she let him lead her through the halls.

As they walked, Dr. Strange would glance down at her from time to time. She would catch the movement out of the side of vision, keeping her eyes on the ground or on his red cloak. It was clear that she was a timid thing and while he had told her repeatedly that she was safe with them, it would take her time to trust in those words. She had been hurt too much over the years and the trauma may never fully heal.

Up the hall, they could see Stark’s back as he and Bruce made their way to the elevator. Rather than holding the door for them, Stark jammed the 'close’ button, taking the lift alone with Bruce even as the man squawked a protest. She could hear Dr. Strange curse the man under his breath before opening a portal into a that looked to be a open living space. With his arm around her shoulder, she only slightly hesitated before stepping through.

It wouldn’t do her any good to fight him and while she had never seen magic before, surely she couldn’t outrun him. Even if she tired, where would she go? If they were anything even remotely similar to her prior keepers, she would be killed for trying and punished for hesitating. The portal disappeared behind them and she felt safer when it was gone.

All eyes felt like they were on her and she shrank back into Dr. Strange’s cloak, taking comfort in the feeling of the heavy fabric as it wrapped slightly around her. Stark was a the bar, pouring himself a glass of brown liquid before downing it and pouring another. Dr. Strange helped her to sit in a plush chair at a large wooden table before taking a seat next to her.

“Well, how is the Little Mouse?” Stark’s cup clanked down on the table but he didn’t sit. The air around him seemed to be charged with electricity. While he moved about the space relaxed, the muscles in his forearms flexed and bunched with tension.

“Currently, she’s malnourished and was dangerously dehydrated, rectified with IV fluids in addition to low blood sugars, corrected for now. She will remain stable and recover nicely with proper nourishment.” All eyes were on Dr. Strange as he spoke, slipping into the monotonous rhythm of medical speak. She could see 'Black’ leaning against the wall, not sitting with the group and no longer in chains.

“Based on my examination, she has suffered years of extensive abuse. Evidence shows of a history of broken bones. I didn’t take any x-rays however I’d not doubt we would see remodeling in various amounts in many of her bones. Her left wrist shows impacted range of motion, likely due to a poorly set break at the joint as well.” Stark downed his drink again, going for a refill as another man brought in Pizza boxes, cutting off Dr. Strange’s report, not that more truly needed to be said.

“Dinner is served!” They greeted the man, calling him Clint and passing paper plates around. He offered her a soft smile as he set a plate in front of her. She didn’t move while everyone else plated up their slices.

“Do you have a preference?” Clint asked her, both verbally and signing the words, in case her hearing was the reason for her silence. She looked at him dumbly and offered no answer.

“She can hear fine it seems, just does not speak.” Dr. Strange offered softly to Clint. From what he had observed, he doubted she signed at all and the scaring he had seen on her throat, it was clear that it happened a number of years ago. Her captives wouldn’t have cared to teach her how to sign. When the goal was to silence her, they had no reason to have given her a way to communicate.

“You should eat.” Dr. Strange drew his attention to her as she is asked again what kind of pizza she would like. When she again didn’t answer, he dropped a slice of cheese pizza on her plate and gave her a fork, in case she preferred to eat it with a utensil.

“Any luck finding out who she is?” It was the man who had wore the blue suit before who spoke. He now wore casual clothes and she recalled him being called 'Steve’ by the others. “If we can get her home, maybe she’d recover faster.” It was sound logic.

“She is home.” Stark thought about downing another drink but decided against it, having already had three glasses in a decidedly short period of time. All eyes were on him as she braved nibbling at her pizza, feeling better to not be watched, even if she didn’t understand what was going on. Questions were fired and for a moment, it seemed like he wasn’t going to answer anyone. She listened intently however, she had very few memories of before and she hoped that something would make sense. It was something she always pushed from her mind. Before, it never did her any good, that life didn’t matter.

“Her name is Hotaru Stark.” Stark’s voice was soft as he spoke, directing his attention from the group to her. He zoned in on her and before long, was speaking to her only. “Mom’s little Firefly. Everyone thought you died. They looked and looked. I thought you died.” Their eyes locked as he spoke. Tony’s were dark but she had their mother’s lighter gray. Tears gathered in her eyes as he walked toward her. She tried and tried to think.

“Do you remember me, Taru? It’s me, Tony.” He spoke softly as he knelt next to her, turning her chair for her to face him.

Tears fell down her eyes as she chewed on her lip. She wanted to remember. Was there a time when she was happy? When she was safe? Could she be again? Finally, she remembered. It was fragmented and fuzzy but she remembered standing on a stage, something in her hands and people clapping for her. She remembered her parents and her frilly dress but she wasn’t happy. Before then, she could remember fighting with him, a much younger him. He didn’t want to go, she wanted him to. She remembered other times when he would talk to her about things she didn’t understand but she basked in the attention regardless.

Tony had nearly given up hope when she nodded finally. It was such a small movement, he almost didn’t see it. As dumb as it was, he wanted to hear her say it, he feared that she wasn’t real.

“Say you remember me?” He urged softly, causing more tears to spill from her eyes, much to his confusion.

Dr. Strange remembered that he had been interrupted with the pizza and rather than informing everyone of her speechless state, he only warned Clint who had a tenancy to pick up on those things. When Tony continued to press her to speak, Strange spoke loud enough for all to hear. “She doesn’t talk. She can’t.”

“What do you mean she can’t?” Tony seemed outraged, his emotions raw as his mind tried to work in overdrive. Dr. Strange just offered a firm shake of his head, silencing him. During their exchange, she looked around, catching pained and confused eyes. 'Black’ watched her closely from his place against the wall.

“Okay.” Tony started flatly, voice strained in his throat as he redirected his attention to her. “But you do remember me, right?” She nodded and shrugged. “A little?” He guessed and she nodded again. It was a start, it was some communication. Tony decided they could work with that. They had to. He had to.

Dr. Strange rested his hand on hers over the cloak. “You need to finish that, take your time but you need to eat it.” She nodded as he motioned to the pizza. Dr. Strange would have much preferred her to eat something healthier but pizza had its own benefits, namely the high calorie count that she could surely benefit from.

She would need vitamin supplementation for a while but at this point, any nutrition she could take in was beneficial. Such things were detailed in his report for Banner to take care of in the coming days. His next words were directed to Tony as she nibbled at the pizza. It was truly the most delicious thing she could remember eating.

“Give her time. I need to return to the Sanctum, I’ll check on her in a few weeks. You know how to reach me if needed.” There was a finality in how he spoke, it clear his mind wouldn’t be changed.

She was sad when the Doctor stood and clutched her fistful of his cloak, not wanting him to leave. He was friendly, he was familiar, even after this short time. Above all, he felt safe for whatever reason. For a moment, Dr. Strange held her hand in his large one before unwinding her fingers from the cloak. Quickly, she grabbed his hand in hers, turning it palm up and softly, with the tip of her finger she delicately spelled out 'thank you’ on his skin, earning a small smile from him. As a parting farewell, he gripped her shoulder before disappearing into a portal. With the comfort of him and the cloak gone, she pulled her knees to her chest to hide behind them as well as she could.

“Do we scare you?” Tony asked softly, noting the change in her. When she just watched him before looking around the room, he took it as a 'maybe’. “You are safe now, you’re home now. We- I will keep you safe, okay?” She nodded slightly, the smell of alcohol hung around him. Tony took his time going around the room and introducing everyone, giving names to faces. It felt better to know things, no matter how small.

It was the woman, Natasha, her name was, who pointed out that Hotaru should rest as the evening wore on. It was getting late, the sky was getting dark and with a full stomach for the first time in who knows how long, she found herself dozing off. It wasn’t that she felt safe enough to sleep, to relax but simply that her body decided sleep was needed and couldn’t wait longer with the lack of activity. Tony cocked his head as he offered to show her to the room that would be hers. Hotaru stood chewing on her lip as she slowly walked behind him before reaching out and snagging the back of his shirt in her fingers. For whatever reason, it felt better to touch them, a reassurance that this was real.

“There are a lot of us, so I didn’t skimp on bathrooms.” They were on one of the residential floors in the large tower and so Tony made sure to show here where the closest two bathrooms were. He joked, reminding her to lock the door when she uses one to prevent any embarrassing situations and awkwardly passed through the space, fiddling with his hands at times and shoving them deep in his pockets at other times. What would he think if she could tell him she hadn’t used a proper bathroom in a number of years?

Hotaru’s room was at the front of the hall, right where the hall meets the kitchen and living room areas. Across the hall from her room was 'Black’s’ room. Loki, she reminded herself, his name was Loki. Next to him was his brother, Thor’s room. She had to remind herself to give these people names in her mind. When you couldn’t speak, it was easy to forget things had names and that these names matter. It only mattered now because these people and things around here were things that she could have, they were a part of her freedom and things she could talk about with someone.

Next to her own room was Natasha’s. The woman seemed interesting, both kid and fierce. Hotaru wished she could be like her, but feared that would never happen. She was too timid but in her mind, Natasha encompassed all that she felt a true woman should be. Strong and sexy, deadly yet kind. The two rooms at the end of the hall were empty. It was nice how her brother spread people out to give them each room. They all didn’t live right on top of each other. It was good.

Tony opened the door for her. It was a large enough room. Far larger then what she expected, being used to a small cage for the last 3 years and various cells before. Small, timid steps carried her into the space. It was plain with a plush tan carpet and light gray walls. Looking around, she appraised the room. A light gray desk with a simple black chair next to a tall gray bookshelf sat against the wall, just far enough away from the door to not be a obstacle. Under the window sat a long short bookshelf that ran most of the length of the wall. A simple bed sat in the center of the wall she shared with Natasha, flanked by two simple end tables. Sitting on the wall shared with the hall, was a short dresser with a mirror hanging over it. The room was small enough that it didn’t feel bare but large enough not to feel crowded. It was also very gray.

“We’ll spruce it up for you, decorate it…” Tony leaned in the doorway watching her. He wore a look of unreasonable guilt for the simple room but she just turned and smiled at him as brightly as she could manage. It was all she could do for him really, since she could not offer words of reassurance. The room and everything in it was more then she could ever really remember having.

The awkwardness didn’t last long, thankfully. Bidding her to have a good night, he left her. Tony didn’t close her door behind him and Hotaru wasn’t sure if she wanted to closed. For so long she had been locked up. As she walked around the room, she grazed her fingertips over surfaces in a effort to remind herself that this was real. 

The idea of freedom was terrifying and she didn’t know what to do with herself. She was so tired, but she didn’t feel as if she could sleep. With nothing else to do, she sat on the edge of her bed and simply looked at the room around her as if it would disappear. Maybe she would wake up to find this had all been a cruel dream. Maybe, maybe she was sitting in the cell still, her mind finally broken and eyes glazed over. Maybe the broken ones lived in their dreams until they died.


	4. Chapter 4

Hotaru had been left alone in her room with her thoughts. It was a good place to be and time ticked on. She didn’t want to sleep yet, though she was tired. Walking around woke her up and being in a new room put her on alert again.

When Clint spoke, it startled her to say the least. She would have screamed at the fright, had she been able to but no sound came when she tried. The silent scream did not go unnoticed by Natasha as she remembered what was said earlier. Dr. Strange had said the girl ‘could not speak’ not that she 'would not speak’. How one picked their words was often important, she had learned that long ago and the subtle meaning behind his wordplay left but a nugget of a clue. She could not speak, though what exactly that means or for how long her silence would last, they had no way of knowing.

“Just checking on you.” Clint repeated, correctly noting that with the fright, she likely hadn’t registered his words. A small smile was offered to him with a shrug. Natasha had dipped out of the room with a quick 'be right back’, having come to some sort of conclusion when she saw the state of the girl.

“A bit overwhelming?” Clint spoke softly as he made his way to sit, straddling the back of the desk chair. A small nod of agreement was her reply. “You’ll adjust in time and we’re here to help.” As she cocked her head ever so slightly to the side he offered her a small smile. The more he practiced talking to her, reading her, the easier it was getting already. Being hard of hearing himself, he was pretty tuned into the non-verbal responses that often would give away more meaning then someone’s words.

“Tony’s pretty overwhelmed today too, I’d say. I’m sure he told you to come to him if you need anything, huh?” A small nod of agreement. “Same goes for us. I’m two floors up, right above you. Nat’s right next door. You just go to whoever you feel like you want, it doesn’t have to be Tony. You can come to any of us. We are all here for you, kiddo.”

“I’ve brought these, they should fit you better than those god awful rags the guys tossed you in.” Natasha had been listening, waiting just outside the room for a moment. The girl seemed so delicate, she was glad to be in the room next to her but wondered if she wouldn’t do better somewhere a bit more isolated, away from the booming Thor and the brooding Loki. Natasha had the desire to see to it the girl was cared for, at the very least for the night.

Nat held out a red tank top that was much smaller than the shirt that currently dwarfed Hotaru’s frame. It would still be too big for her but it wouldn’t hang off her shoulders as much. She also presented a pair of simple black athletic shorts, having noticed how the legs of the lounge pants were seemingly over a foot too long and clearly deathtraps.

“I also brought you some clothes for tomorrow, we’ll get you your own stuff soon.” Between her, Wanda and raiding the clothes Pepper tended to keep over, Natasha hoped to have clothes that would at least come closer to fitting for the next few days. The small plastic bag was deposited on top of the dresser before she came closer, under Clint’s watchful eye. It was clear he was fond of the wisp of a girl, but Natasha wouldn’t be surprised if the girl ended up adopted by them all.

“They didn’t even brush her hair.” Clint scoffed as his attention went to Natasha. Brushing hair was out of his league but still, it should have been done and he thought Natasha could benefit a bit from caring for the girl. She was always good with his own children but still rarely did she express affection freely.

“Or wash it.” Nat added, glancing at him before turning her attention to Hotaru again. “Let’s get your hair clean? Better to not bring any of the past into a nice clean bed, wouldn’t you say?”

Hotaru’s eyes darted to Clint for a second before returning to Nat and offering a shrug.

“I’m sure Natasha has some stuff you can use.” With legs stretched out, he span in the chair for a moment before standing in a swift motion.

“Sure do.” Hotaru followed Natasha out of the room slowly after she was changed. Clint was sent off to get shampoo and conditioner from the redhead’s room.

Hotaru found herself in the main living area again. She watched as Natasha pulled a dining chair from the table and put it in front of the sink, setting a step stool in front of it. From the couch, Thor and Loki watched with mild interest, however Loki seemed to return to his book soon enough after only giving the small group momentary consideration.

With a guiding hand, Natasha helped her onto the chair where she braced her feet against the stool as she leaned back best she could. With her hair falling into the empty sink, Nat began running warm water over the tangles of hair. Clint returned with bottles and fetched a clean towel. Her hair was scrubbed twice over with shampoo that smelled lightly of flowers. Clint was sent off again, this time to return with a wide toothed comb.

Hotaru wondered if he was getting tired of being sent to fetch things. They should have given him a list. Silky conditioner was applied to her hair as tangles while she thought and knots were slowly worked out by fingers first, then by a comb.

“I figured she’d want to sleep.” Tony spoke from the entry way. The living space on this floor was becoming a popular place it seemed.

“Momma Nat decided little Hotaru needed her hair washed first.” Clint laughed as he spoke, knowing full well that it was more of a team decision between the two.

“And what, my clothes weren’t good enough?” Tony made his way to the sink, noting the change of attire. “I’m hurt!”

“She didn’t need to drown in fabric or trip and die. Your clothes engulfed her.” Nat was taking care, rinsing the conditioner from her hair before squeezing the water out and sitting her up. A fluffy towel was soon draped over her head and her hair was ruffled and towel dried.

Their banter earned a small silent laugh from under the towel. It warmed Tony’s heart to see Hotaru smile, even if just a small one.

“How you holding up, Lil Bit?” Tony tried to act relaxed, as if he hadn’t just came four floors down just to make sure she was still there and real, just to make sure he hadn’t finally lost his mind. She shrugged, touching her damp hair lightly with her fingers. A look of bemused wonder danced over her face. 

“Come on, let’s sit on the couch and get the rest of those knots worked out.” Nat looked at the clock, noting it was only approaching 8:30, the night still young.

“Want more Pizza?” Clint asked, knowing full well that he didn’t need more but the new clothes showed clearly how underweight Hotaru was. He would feel better seeing her eat, even if she had just eaten only a short while ago.

“I’ll get it.” Tony offered, making his way to the refrigerator. It was clear to him what Natasha and Clint were doing, taking care of his little sister. While he struggled to process, they stepped up to the plate. He would have to do better. He would do better. He made up his mind that night to read the notes left by Dr. Strange.

While Tony set about warming a second round of food, Nat pulled Hotaru toward the couch by her wrist. Clint took a seat next to Thor on the loveseat. For a short moment, Nat glared at Loki. His legs were stretched out along the length of the couch with a book in his hands.

“Something you need, Darling?” Loki didn’t even bother to look up at them while he spoke. Hotaru could see the tension build in Nat’s shoulders. The only person who seemed even remotely comfortable around Loki was Thor. Yet even now, he tensed, leaning forward a bit, preparing to interfere if needed. There was clearly a history between them all.

Hotaru didn’t want them to fight. It still confused her that he was in chains when they traveled but was free now. It was clear to her that they didn’t trust him. Was their aggression due to anger or did they fear him? What did he do? Who was he? Timidly, she reached out and glanced her fingers over his knee, hopefully he didn’t mind the touch and wouldn’t punish her for it. She didn’t want to be punished.

With a dramatic sigh, he swung his legs up and draped them along the back of the couch. “That’s all I’m giving you.” No one would want to sit so close to him, and so he was making sure he would have his space. And so when Hotaru sat down near him, he was left surprised. Everyone watched closely for what his reaction would be, they were all so sure that he would lash out or shove her from the couch. Rather than prove them right, he simply returned to his book, ignoring the soft smile she offered him.

“I’ll be as gentle as I can.” Nat spoke softly, sitting next to Hotaru while watching Loki closely. Slowly, she worked out the knots in Hotaru’s long dark hair. In order to allow her better access to the tangled mess, Hotaru turned so as to be facing Loki, with her back to Nat. As she re-positioned herself, Loki watched over his book. Once, her gray eyes met his blue but she quickly averted them, trying to look anywhere but at him. She was trying to give him his space as best she could.

Loki watched as her hair was untangled and smoothed. Each time a knot was caught harsher than expected, she flinched. Nat was always quick to murmur an apology when she noticed a flinch. That’s not to say Hotaru was comfortable while her hair was being brushed. Tears gathered in her eyes, but none slipped down her face.

Loki could only see how much it hurt overall because he was facing her. To distract herself from the pain, she nibbled at the pizza once Tony deposited a plate in her lap. He took to sitting on the arm of the loveseat, next to Clint and putting distance between himself and Loki.

Relief poured off of her when Nat finally set the brush down, declaring that it was “all done”. With a smile, Nat ran her fingers through Hotaru’s hair one last time, flipping it out around the girl’s head, earning a measured smile from her.

Hotaru looked behind her and watched as Nat got up, stretching in the process. “I’m going to retire.” She announced, gathering the shampoo, conditioner, comb and brush. “I’ll set these in your room, they are extras anyway.” The redhead gave her a soft smile. Nat took her plate of Pizza with her as she left.

Tony watched as Hotaru ran her fingers through the ends of her hair for a moment before announcing he was going back to work. It was driving him mad, he had to constant urge to see her, to check on her, to make sure she was still real but when it came to actually being in the room with her, he was left sick with the thoughts of what she had gone through.

He didn’t particularly want to leave her with Loki, but with Thor and Clint with her she would be safe. Probably. It didn’t matter, he needed to read over any directions Dr. Strange had left regarding her care. It wouldn’t matter if he glanced over the report, skipping everything else. Would it?

“Feeling a bit better?” Clint asked softly, drawing her out of her mind but she just ran her fingers along her hair again. “It’s probably been a long time since you last could do that. Must be nice.” She nodded slightly.

With Natasha gone, Hotaru gave Loki more space, moving to the far end of the seat. Loki took his legs down off the back of the couch to rest, knees bent to fill the empty space but he didn’t push for more. His feet were just two short inches from her thighs. The whole time she kept her eyes down, not sure what to do. In the end, she settled for picking apart her crust, nibbling on the bits off and on.

“You don’t have to eat that, if you don’t wish to.” Thor’s voice was loud enough that she flinched sharply, dropping the plate in the process.

“Well done, Brother.” Loki commented with a bite in his voice, turning the page in his book. It surprised him when she reached down, rushing to clean up the mess. The little human assumed seemed quick to startle and just as quick to try to set things to right. She clearly held much fear in her heart. Yet, Loki couldn’t say he blamed her. He could only guess as to what the past years of her life had been like.

Clint was faster and had the mess mostly picked up before she fully made it off the couch. With a full stomach, Hotaru found her limbs felt heavy and sluggish when she tried to move them. “Don’t worry about it.” Clint spoke softly. “I was going to go upstairs anyway.”

“I intended no displeaser toward you.” Loki’s soft words distracted her for a moment, and that was all it took for Clint to slip away. From the kitchen, she had no way to call him back, no way to grab his attention. She felt abandoned and again pulled her knees to her chest.

“I didn’t intend to scare you.” Thor’s loud laugh as he spoke made her cringe back. Natasha and Clint had made a point keep their tones calm and soft with her. Thor’s volume was deafening by contrast alone.

“Must you be so loud?” Loki was annoyed with his silence being infringed upon. It seemed every time his brother would open his mouth, the Little Firefly would cringe or flinch away. It was distracting. With a snap, the book slammed closed and he fluidly stood from his seat.

It confused Hotaru when Loki left them. It was clear she didn’t do anything but she still struggled not to blame herself, if she hadn’t been in the room none of this would have happened.

“Don’t worry about him.” Thor made an effort to control his volume after watching Hotaru’s eyes follow Loki’s march away. “My Brother, he is not as the others see him.” It hadn’t been his intention to chase Loki off, they so rarely got to spend time together.

Hotaru looked back at Thor, confused. She did not understand how the others viewed Loki, how she should view him let alone how he viewed himself or how his own brother viewed him. They sat in a empty silence for a bit, Thor clearly uncomfortable. Every time their eyes would meet, he offered her a pained smile.

With nothing else to do, she looked around. The whole tower seemed to be the height of modern convince and style but it wasn’t impressive to her. The world had changed greatly since she was taken and most of what she knew was dim, dark and dirty. This place was clean and sleek but felt cold.

“So,” Thor fiddled with his hands as she drug her eyes back to him. “What do you like?” Silence stretched on before Thor remembered that he was talking to a mute girl who had no way to answer him. “ahh, right, I’ll just- I’ll just head to bed, I guess.” When the silence got too awkward for him, he retreated and Hotaru was left alone. It was both painful and comforting. She hadn’t been alone in years, yet her cell mates often made for poor company.

For a while, she sat curled into herself in the silence. The room was so large, so open and it made the space intimidating but as time ticked on, she uncurled herself. Eventually, she took her time walking around the room. It was classy and sterile. It helped that no one was watching her.

On a end table, near the hall she found a sticky notepad and a pen. The find made her smile, it had been years since she had written. She didn’t know if Strange understood her message earlier but with nothing to write with, what could she have done? For a moment, she just looked down at the items.

Did she want to risk getting attached to these people? Did she want to open up to them? She was comfortable in her pain. The fact that she was clearly broken wasn’t lost on her but could she heal? Did she want to? Healing would mean opening herself up to get hurt again. If she remained broken, she couldn’t get hurt anymore.

With the worth of the risk versus the possible outcome undecided, she compromised. She would give a little of herself- that was safe. If she kept thinking about it, she wouldn’t do anything at all. With trembling fingers she took the paper and pen before retreating to her room to pen her note. For a while, she couldn’t decide on what to write.

“Thank you for fixing my hair.

-Hotaru”

With a deep breath she opened her door slower than a snail. Looking around, she found no others in the hall. Slowly, she walked to the door next to hers, note clasped tightly in her fingers. Somehow, it had gotten late and rather than sleeping, she continued to just stand dumbly in front of Nat’s door, contemplating options. Time ticked on.

The note had a sticky back, she could just stick it to the door but she wasn’t sure if she wanted the others to see it. What if Nat didn’t see it when she left the room in the morning? The gap under the door was big enough, she could slide it under the door. Of course, she could knock on the door like a normal human and give the woman the note as well.

“Have you turned to stone, Little Firefly?” She was so focused on her internal dilemma that she didn’t hear him coming and the smooth sound of Loki’s soft voice caused her to jump. He watched as her chest expanded with the gasp only to swiftly contract in what should have been a scream. She turned to him clutching at her heart.

“No need for dramatics, I can hear your heart beating just fine.” The smile and silent laugh of her’s catch his attention. No matter what she did, how she breathed or how her throat seemed to work, everything she did was silent. “Do you intend to stand there all night?” When she just shrugged, blushing and looking down, he snagged the note from her fingers effortlessly, reading over it. “It seems the Little Firefly can write.”

When his eyes darted from the note to her, she shrugged again. The fact that he was having the most productive conversation he’d had in months with a mute girl was not lost on him. After thinking for a moment, he folded the note in half.

“I’d suggest slipping this under the door. You do want her to see it timely. I assure you, she will see it.” Yet he did not hold the paper out to her. Without knowing what else to do, Hotaru nodded. As she shifted from one foot to another, Loki knelt and bent elegantly, slipping the paper under the door in a smooth movement before standing up again and starting down to his door before pausing and looking back to her, expectantly.

With nothing else to do, she felt the weight of her exhaustion as she made her way to her door, across from him. He watched her like a hawk and finally spoke as she walked closer to him. “Get some sleep, Little One. You are safe.”

Before going inside she turned to him. This man who had saved her while she was locked away. This man that was in chains as they traveled. This man who now appeared to walk free. She wondered why they didn’t trust him, but their lack of trust in him made his words hit her harder.

'You are safe’ he said, even as the other’s feared him. It was clear she was safe, even from him, this man whose sins she knew nothing of. The man who could effortless kill in battle.

On impulse, her legs carried her close enough to reach him. Her hands trembled as she reached out, taking his large hand in hers. His hand dwarfed hers, it was long and strong but the skin was soft and chilled. When she turned it so as to rest palm up in her hand, he only raised an eyebrow at her and waited. This was similar to what she had done to Dr. Strange, though much more deliberate and calmer. If anyone had seen her the first time or even realized what she had done, she didn’t know.

The trembling in her hands was not lost to him. Fear radiated off him, as it did when she was close to anyone. Clearly, in her mind she was taking a risk. With a deep breath, she willed herself to steady. 'Thank you Loki’ She spelled out, each letter written over the others.

The letters were formed slow enough that he could keep track but still, her method of writing with her fingers on his skin was well practiced and he was sure if she wrote faster, the letters would be lost to him. Her fingers mesmerized him, both her index and middle fingers working in tandem, sometimes forming multiple parts of the same letter simultaneously, other times starting the next letter before the first was finished. She held a dexterity that reminded him of musicians. It was well practiced and effortless.

When her message was finished, she looked up to him, wanting to be sure he understood. Her hand hovered above his, fingers delicately curling and straightening slowly as anxiety ate away at her. The hand that had supported the back of his hand fell to her side. The blue of his eyes captivated her for a moment before she smiled at him.

With a graceful flourish, Loki captured her hand in his, stilling the dancing digits. Her gray eyes widened as she flinched away but he held her hand just firm enough to keep it in place. With a slight bow, he brought her hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of her hand, just above the curve of her knuckles. Through the whole action, he maintained eye contact. Her heart pounded in her chest as he looked up at her from under his brows.

“You are very welcome, Little Firefly. Call on me, should you require anything else.” The pink that dusted her cheeks was enduring. She offered him a small nod before he released her hand and stood tall and straight again. It took her a moment to again smile at him as she held her hand out in front of her chest, unsure as to what to do with it. When she retreated into her room, he still stood tall in front of his door for a moment longer, watching the place she had been. Even as she closed the door, she could feel his eyes on her.

For a few moments she just stood in her room, looking at her hand, holding it in her other hand before smiling. Loki seemed nice enough and unlike the others, he didn’t seem to be treating her as anything other than a person. After crawling into the bed, she fell asleep nearly instantly. It was a huge improvement from a cage floor in both warmth and comfort.

For the first time that she could remember, Hotaru Stark felt something resembling safe as she drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains some references to Hotaru's past. I will not shy away from the things she has experienced, done and had done to her. This is by far not the darkest thing I have written however some may find the contents of her dream to be disturbing, as was my goal. Is it truly a nightmare if it is not disturbing? Like most authors, I do love and crave feedback.

Gray eyes opened and she was surrounded by lights. Was she dead? No, she could feel the ground under her feet, cold and hard. The world around her shifted as she looked around. Her memory was foggy and she couldn’t remember before.

Anything about before. Who was she? What was her name? Did it matter? Probably not. Before didn’t matter. Before was just that, before. Before wouldn’t save her. Before wouldn’t come for her. Before wouldn’t look for her. Before didn’t want her. Before didn’t matter. All that mattered was now.

Suddenly she was in the woods, wet grass and dirt pushing up between her toes. What happened to her shoes? Had she ever had shoes?

On the embankment above her she could see the car, smashed and crumpled. It was her car, in a way. She knew in the same way that one knows their reflection when they see it. She could hear the screams and she wanted to run but she couldn’t. The people screaming mattered to her, they were important. Yet, she couldn’t place who they were or why they mattered. Maybe they didn’t matter. Maybe they were all that mattered. Soon, a man grabbed her from behind and she turned, he was in black and she couldn’t see his face. Did his face matter? Probably not.

She could never see his face. This wasn’t the first time. It wouldn’t be the last time. The details wouldn’t matter. It would all happen again. It always did.

The world shifted again and she was strapped down, the bright lights were back burning into her mind. Tears streamed down her face as she tried to will it to stop. Just wake up. How hard could it be? Just wake up. Maybe this time, she would never wake up. Maybe this time, it would all be over in the end. Maybe this time, she would die.

Behind her, a Doctor pushed a table with a surgical tray to her side. Just wake up. He had no face. Wake up. Maybe he did, and it just didn’t matter. Just wake up. He wasn’t the good Doctor, he wasn’t the nice Doctor. Just wake up. He was just a Doctor. He was just a bad Doctor. He was the Doctor. Just wake up. 

She couldn’t wake up. Wouldn’t wake up. Trapped again. A prisoner again. A slave again. Her captor? Her very mind. Just wake up.

“No.” She cried. Her voice soft and clear, rising in volume with each word as she begged. “Please no! No!” Tears streamed down her face as she thrashed her head back and forth. “I’ll be good, I won’t talk back! Please! Don’t please! No!”

Men she couldn’t see held her arms as she fought to break free from the straps. Men grabbed her head, holding her steady as the Doctor grabbed the knife, bringing it to the center of her throat. Maybe there were no men, maybe the straps just felt like hands. Screaming and screeching, she fought harder to break free but it was no use. Each time, the pain was the same, searing and blinding and never ending and just like always, it ended suddenly in a haze as her voice was torn from her, as it always was. .

Gray eyes snapped open as a soundless shriek tore from her lungs. Always soundless. There would never be sound again. The weight of the blankets tangled around her limbs did nothing to soothe the panic running wild through her. In a rush, she sat up fast, only to fall back onto the bed as her face connected with something solid.

“Fuck.” Loki tried to keep his voice quite as he grabbed at his nose, pulling his fingers away checking for blood, instinctually. Thankfully, he saw none. It made sense, he was a god and her just a human but the action was reflex just the same.

Below him, Hotaru silently screamed again but she could see the room around her coming into focus and along with it, the man kneeling on her bed. She could see his face, how his dark hair fell in waves around his neck. The blue of his eyes seemed to be illuminated as he watched her. It was likely just the moonlight reflecting off his otherworldly eyes.

Each time, he watched her as she screamed, knowing there should be sound yet it never came. It was intriguing. She truely could make no sound.

It was dark, the only light being from the moon and it took a moment for her mind to calm enough to process the world around her. On the ground next to her bed sat the remnants of the shattered lamp. It was that sound that had woken Loki and drew him to her room. In truth, he it was the sound of the lamp being pushed, sliding along the hard surface. He was in the room before it so much as hit the ground. Behind him, the door was closed out of habit, isolating them from the outside world. He watched her look around frantically as she calmed.

“You’re okay?” The sound of his voice drew her eyes back to him as she clutched at her neck. Tears streamed down her face and she shook like a leaf. Loki watched as she pawed at her neck, checking her bandages. “You are okay.” Again, he repeated softly yet with more force. “It was a dream, not real.”

Softly, Loki rested his fingers against her neck, putting an end to her pawing. She would scratch herself with the frantic actions, if allowed to continue. Under his fingers he could feel the muscles of her throat move, working to produce the sounds he expected to hear. Yet, under his fingertips he felt no vibration in her throat for all the effort.

The sound of her door being thrown open tore another scream from her as she cringes back, clutching at her neck again, leaving Loki’s hand to hover just a short few inches in front of her. Nat and Thor poured into the room.

“Loki!” Natasha hissed, clearly not pleased with the sight she was greeted with. Loki was kneeling over the girl, the pale skin of his bare back illuminated in moonlight. Hotaru was cringing back against the soft headboard, eyes wild and full of fresh fear, much to Loki’s annoyance. 

“Brother, Explain yourself!” Thor’s voice boomed, it wouldn’t have been surprising if it had woke the whole tower as Loki leaned back, putting more distance between him and the girl. As he moved, he lifted his hands into the air, showing clearly he was not touching her as he sat back on his haunches. Loki supported his weight with his knees, letting Hotaru pull her legs out from under him if she wished. No part of him was touching the Firefly.

Thor, wanting to give his brother then benefit of doubt, blocked Natasha’s path with his arm when she moved to stalk forward. Every move Loki made was calculated to show his innocence in the moment and unless Loki made a move, Thor was content to allow him to moment to explain as he was making a show of his submission for the moment at least.

“While she is a lovely girl, I assure you that it is not as it looks. I heard the breaking of her lamp. She had a nightmare and like you, I came to wake her.” The sound of Loki’s calm voice soothed Hotaru, further anchoring her in reality. As he spoke, he kept his eyes on her almost constantly, only flicking to Thor once to evaluate the possible threat looming in the doorway.

“Why should we believe you?” Hotaru watched as Natasha shoved passed Thor as he relaxed. “Did he do something to you? Did he touch you? Did he hurt you? Did he do anything to you? Anything?”

With no way to answer, no way to tell them what happened, she felt helpless. They demanded answers she had no words to give. It was always after these dreams that she felt the pain of not having a voice the most. She tried to shake her head ‘no’ but Natasha kept stalking past Thor, who was making an attempt to keep her at a distance. Natasha made her way into the room against Thor’s reassurance that Loki probably wouldn’t hurt her and that the assassin needed to calm down.

As a last ditch attempt to show that it wasn’t Loki that hurt her, she pulled her knees under her and lunged forward, throwing her arms around Loki. She rested her head on his shoulder as her arms cinched around his back. Tears still fell from her eyes, smearing themselves on his shoulder. He tensed in her embrace but much to the shock of the spectators, he did not throw her off of him. For a moment, Loki kept his hands in the air, unsure as to what he should do with them before softly resting them high on her back as he felt her damp tears against his skin. 

“Lady Natasha, I believe my brother speaks true. Clearly, she holds no fear of him.” Thor tried to control his volume as he approached the bed with Natasha, a bemused expression on his face. “Truly, was it just a nightmare?” He asked as she finally felt the tension in the room begin to dissipate. Hotarun nodded, her face hidden in the crook of Loki’s neck.

Slowly, she released Loki, running her hands over his skin as she pulled back. Before her hand left his chest she spelled out 'sorry’ just under his collarbone, over his heart, a message just for him. She felt bad about the embrace, he hadn’t relaxed until she had released him and nodded at Thor again and she hoped that she hadn’t overstepped.

In the past, if she had broken something, she would have been beaten. If she had touched a captor uninvited, any number of things had happened in the past. Hotaru reminded herself that things were different here, with them. She wouldn’t find herself pinned down, used and shown exactly what she ‘had been asking for’. Loki, these men, the wouldn’t see her touch as asking to be used, would they? If they did, would she fight?

At the very least, she was able to go back to sleep fairly quickly once she put such thoughts out of her head and the rest of her night was peaceful. When morning came, Hotaru didn’t know what to do with herself. No man had visited her bed, no one had come to hurt her, to punish her.

The clock on the side of her bed showed it was half past six when she woke. Initially she was scared, this place was like none she had been kept at in a very long time and to wake in such a unfamiliar place was startling, even with the comfort of the bed. Being able to see the morning light however calmed her. It was something she didn’t know she missed, something she craved now that she had access to it. With little direction, she milled about in her room and waited.

Tony found Natasha standing in the doorway of her room, holding a small folded piece of paper. “Got a love note?”

“It’s from Taru, I almost didn’t see it.” Natasha slowly passed the paper to Tony. She had found it on the floor, nearly shuffled under her desk. It had probably gotten kicked to the side during the events of the night. “I think maybe we should get her a notebook?”

“The best damn notebook we can find. I’ll make one myself, a tablet. It will be able to read what she writes.” Tony was off on a tangent as they started walking. In reality, he knew at least for now, a plain old notebook would do just fine until they knew why she wouldn’t talk.

As they walked into the living area they found Clint already set to work on breakfast, as was typical. Why he didn’t cook in the mini kitchen on his own floor was anyone’s guess but Natasha suspected he was seeking out company. Thor waited nearby, eager for the meal.

The early morning was filled with idle chatter as Tony set about making himself his second cup of coffee for the day. It was odd for him to be down on this floor, he would normally be hiding in his lab already. He had slept like the dead the night prior thanks to scotch and the relief of finally having the answer to what happened to Hotaru. She was safe now, he could rest for a moment. Tony would see to it that she was never hurt again.

Hotaru hadn’t left her room yet and he hoped she still slept. He could have checked before leaving his floor, thought of checking but did not. If he checked and she was gone, a figment of his imagination, a sign his mind finally gave out. No, she was real, they were talking about her. The girl deserved a good rest, she was probably still sleeping. She needed to still be sleeping. She needed to rest.

“How’d last night go?” Tony asked the room as he set his half full mug down. He could have asked Jarvis for a rundown of the readings from her room, but did not. It was a rabbit hole he knew he needed to avoid falling into. She was real, she was home, she was safe. Thor and Nat glanced at Loki who sat sipping tea with a book in hand before answering.

“It was fine, all things considered.” Nat answer diplomatically, fully aware of the strain having Loki on the team caused Tony

“What? What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass?” Tony zeroed in on Loki, easily able to to pick up on Thor’s pointed glances. A king, Thor was. A spy, he would never be.

“And how well did that workout for you the first time you tried?” Loki didn’t even glance from his book as he spoke.

“Touch her and find out, Reindeer Games.” Tony’s body tensed as he spoke.

“I did nothing except comfort your Dear Sister from a nightmare.” Loki hardly gave Tony his attention, remaining loose and relaxed as he sipped his tea, seemingly unconcerned with Tony’s ever tensing frame.

“Right, sure.” Tony moved to stand in front of the armchair Loki currently reclined in. “Alright, Point Break, what happened?” Tony glared at Loki as he spoke to Thor, knowing he would be more likely to get a straight answer.

“We were awoken by the sound of her lamp breaking. Loki was the first to her.” Thor spoke calmly, measuring each of his words.

“So, that’s what he said, and you believe him?” Tony’s voice was climbing.

“We didn’t at first, but she insisted.” Natasha added, a cool level head coming to Tony’s side. His reaction was disperportiant and concerning to all in the room.

It was the bickering that drew Hotaru out of her room. She could hear Tony’s voice clearer as his volume increased. As she slowly made her way down the hall, she wondered why her brother held such mistrust in Loki. Again, she wondered of the man who seemed to make the least sense. As Tony began his rant anew, Loki spied her as she slowly walked up to them.

“If you hold so little trust in me, ask her yourself. Good Morning, Little Firefly. How kind of you to join us.” Loki tilted his head in her direction and was rewarded with a soft smile as she ever so softly touched Tony’s arm, fingers just grazing his skin but earning her his attention just the same. Hotaru wondered at how he flinched on contact, yet tried to mask the action. Again, she was left wondering of these people who saved her, that she knew so little about.

“Hotaru?” How Tony hated hearing Loki call her by a nickname. When he spun to face her, she flinched back causing guilt to wash over him. Clutched in her hands was her pilfered notepad and pen. He recognized it from the table he kept it on. In a time long before Jarvis, Tony had gotten into a habit as he become a man himself of keeping the notepad near the kitchen, just as his mother had before, in order to write down lists. Tony had to force himself to be patient as she wrote clumsily on the little pad, hands shaking from nerves on top of nerves as she tried to hold it steady, backing it with her palm as the fimsey pad moved as she wrote.

'He helped me. Was dreaming. Accidentally headbutted him’ The pad could only fit so much words while still writing large enough to effortlessly read.

“You headbutted Loki?” Tony took the sticky note when offered and she nodded at his question. His baby sister headbutted Loki and lived. It was turning out to be a strange day already.

“The only hurt I caused the Little Firefly was the top of her head colliding with my face.” Loki added before looking at her. “Would it have pained you to leave that part out?” At his light scolding she smiled. Maybe she should, but she didn’t find herself scared of him. The very air around him seemed cool, calm and relaxing. He spoke to her freely. She wondered if he was what winter felt like.

Tony still looked unsure of the situation and so she wrapped his arm in hers and nuzzled his shoulder before starting another note. How she hoped she wasn’t overstepping touching him. Twice in less then half a day, she had reached out and touched another without being told to and she dearly hoped not to be punished for it.

'the lamp broke. I’m so sorry.’

“What? No, don’t worry about it. I can afford a new lamp for you.” The only thing since Nat’s note written in full proper English was the final part of her last note. 'I’m so sorry.’ Tony feared she felt guilty about it. Scratch that, he knew she felt guilty about it, she would be scared of being punished, hurt. He had tried to read the file to understand her better. The very thought made his heart ache for her, for what she had been through and how it left her broken. She had every right to be broken.

“Probably would have replaced it anyway. We’ll pick a new light later. Clint is making pancakes, do you still like pancakes?” It was better then saying what he was feeling. When in doubt, when the feelings are too strong, deflect.

Hotaru shrugged, she couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten a pancake or if she had ever liked them. Regardless, she let Tony start to lead her toward the breakfast bar while she looked back at Loki. If it was time to eat, he should come eat too.

For a few moments, Loki tried to ignore her before giving up with a sigh and following. Hotaru sat perched on a stool bathing in the morning sun. The large windows let plenty of light into the space and she enjoyed it. Tony went around into the kitchen with Clint where he leaned on the counter.

Now that she was clean and rested, they could truly see her. While her hair was brown, like her brother’s, it held a sheen of red in the sunlight giving a hint of fire. The sunlight added a light into her gray eyes, giving them a clear shine. It was like all the light, all the fire that should be in her soul was clinging to her surface, trying desperately to hold on to her through all the darkness she had lived in. Her skin was pale, the slight shimmer of scars were easy to miss against the white of her skin but every eye recognized them for what they were and made pained efforts to not look for too long.

“Any preference on how you want your eggs or bacon?” Clint turned to her, snagging a less crispy strip off Nat’s plate, a nearly charcoal strip off of Tony’s plate and a 'reasonable’ middle ground off his own plate and holding the three up to Hotaru. It was the best idea he could come up with the get a quick answer from her and it worked just fine.

She snagged the middle strip and nibbled at it as an answer. “Hey!” Clint protested, “I wasn’t offering you my slice. How about eggs, middle too?” She thought for a bit before nodding. Sure, why not? It’s been so long she didn’t know how she really liked eggs. At least with the bacon she had a visual. In the end, food was food and she wasn’t going to complain. Many days in the past she had no morning meal. Many nights she passed hungry.

Clint made her eggs somewhere in the middle, guessing that it would be safest. Hotaru found that she liked the yoke runny and that information was filed away for future use. She listened and ate as the people around her chattered. Long running inside jokes and friendly jabs filled the air. It was nice and Hotaru enjoyed it, even if she felt she had no part of it. Though, she was not the only one mostly silent.

Loki would speak when spoken to, but otherwise was fairly silent. Hotaru could swear she felt the weight of his eyes on her, but every glance she took to him showed him looking over her head and out the window. Never once did she catch his eyes on her. Maybe it was all in her head.

Tony however, openly watched her, standing across the island from her. He would often reach out, graze her arm with his fingers or pat her shoulder. Sometimes he would tell stories from when they were children, things she hardly remembered. While he told his stories, she would smile at him, remembering more and more of their shared past, though each memory was fragmented and disjointed. Hotaru couldn’t help but question if she was actually remembering or if she so badly wanted it to be true. It made her feel better, to remember more.

Regardless, Hotaru still felt out of place in his home, with his friends, in his life. She wondered if she truly even had a place left in his family. It had been many long years, he had moved on. Did he really need her, want her, in his life? She didn’t want him to take her in out of duty but she had nowhere else to go. Maybe, when he found her to be more trouble then she was worth, he would sell her.

Clint watched as she pulled her knees up, resting her feet on the edge of the stool and wrapped her arms around her legs, it was a action that he had quickly recognized as a sign that something was off. She really was a small girl, to be able to sit on the stool in such a way.

“I’ll be going out for a bit, anything you want me to pick up for you?” Clint asked, sliding her notepad and pen closer to her, making it clear that 'nothing’ wasn’t his desired response. She shrugged and thought, feeling eyes on her but didn’t uncurl from herself.

“Cookies?” Clint suggested. “Chocolate? Strawberries? Candy? Your own shampoo? I guess that’s something you should pick yourself.” His rambling stopped when he heard the sound of her pen working on the paper before passing the note to him.

'Ice Cream- Mint chocolate. Bigger notepad, maybe?’ Clint read her answer aloud and smiled as she passed another note to him. 'I really don’t need anything. I’m fine, really.’

“Nonsense, we need to get you feeling at home.” Natasha added. “We’ll go out tomorrow to get you settled better.”

'it’s already too much’ Hotaru passed forward another note, this time Tony plucked it up and read it before scoffing at her.

“I’m not even getting started Little Bit. You’ve seen nothing yet.” Tony crumpled the note and tossed it into the trash, making his thoughts on that matter clear. For a few moments it was silent before Thor spoke up from next to his brother.

“You are family to Tony, Little One. That makes you family to all of us.” He looked pointedly at his brother as he paused. “Family goes beyond blood.”

Loki offered a dramatic roll of the eyes at his brother’s statement but Thor smiled at her just the same. Behind him, a slight smile graced Loki’s lips as he offered her a nod of his head, his own silent reassurance. Hotaru wondered if there was more meaning behind Thor’s words than she knew but now wasn’t the time to ask nor was it a conversation to have via sticky note. It was something she would likely never know so she settled for watching the brothers for a few moments longer while Tony disappeared into the hall, returning with a dusty thick catalog.

“Praise be the god of junk mail, far more useful than Loki.” he announced as he took his place in front of her across the island after refilling his mug of coffee. She wondered for a moment if he always stood before directing her attention to the book as he slid it to her. “Take a look, circle what you like and let’s spruce that room of yours up.”

'It’s fine, really.’ Hotaru put her note on the cover and slid the book back to Tony. ‘I’ve never had a room before’ was the next note. ‘it’s perfect already’ Tony reached out and stopped her from writing any more notes.

“Nonsense. Everyone’s rooms are customized. Even Reindeer Games has made himself a bit at home.” Tony glanced to Loki, who seemed annoyed to be the example before sighing himself. “Just look through it, please? We don’t have to redo the whole room if you don’t want, we don’t have to get everything you pick, just look through it, mark what you like and mark what you want. Let us get to know you.”

As he finished speaking, Tony held her hand in his for a moment longer. His grip was strong, almost painful. While he looked calm, collected even, his grip made her remember the way the other captives would grip the bars as they were dragged out of cages. How could he react so drastically to Loki before yet act so calm now?

It occurred to her that maybe he needed this from her. It wasn’t wholly about what she wanted, what she needed but also what her brother needed from her. Silently, she wondered back to the brothers sitting next to her. Was Thor the elder or the younger? Did they need each other like Tony needed her? Were they how siblings should act? Rather than pick up the pen and put voice to her thoughts, she simply nodded to Tony, taking the book back and crumpling her notes, setting them aside.

Hotaru was content to look at the first few pages while her brother looked on, sipping his coffee. She glanced up as Clint said his goodbyes, waving her little shopping list in his hand while promising to be back by dinner. Hotaru gave him a parting wave and sighed when she realized one of the few people she found easy to be around was leaving. She really liked Clint, easy adjustments to communicate with her seemed to come naturally to him. It made him easy to be around.

While giving Clint a few extra items to pick up, Tony set his coffee down unattended for the first time. Tony left the kitchen, speaking with Clint as they walked. Loki smirked as he watched Hotaru snag the coffee cup, lifting it in a way as to make nearly no noise as Tony talked, back to the kitchen space, near the elevator now. She grimaced as she drained the cup, not approving of how Tony take’s his coffee but she was committed to her little prank. Just as gently she placed the cup back in its original position, handle nearly in the same place as the group watched on.

As Tony returned to his perch against the kitchen island, Hotaru was adding a note in the cover of the catalog. 'W=want, L=like’. Tony smiled reading the note and grabbed the mug and tipped it to his lips. After a half a beat of confusion, he looked into the empty cup.

“Damnit Loki, My coffee is off limits!” Tony growled, slamming the mug down. Loki looked at him incredulously. Anger flared at the thought of Loki touching his coffee. Was it irrational? Maybe.

“I dare say, it wasn’t me.” Loki calmly spoke, leaning back in his seat and offering a charming smile. He made a point of ignoring the out of proportion anger on Tony’s face, pretending he didn’t notice it. It was so easy to get under Tony’s skin, Loki hardly had to try.

“Who else would pull shit like this and call it a prank?” Tony snapped back, becoming aware of the snickers from the remaining occupants of the room. It had been six months now that Loki had been staying at the tower. They had all become accustomed to slight proding and explosive reactions it earned. 

Hotaru however sat innocently next to Loki, enjoying the warmth of the sun and circling a table lamp that would give a warm dull light in the room, marking it with a 'W’. It was the first thing she marked with a ‘W’. Requesting something did not come easy for her.

She had to swallow back the regret, the fear, that Tony would punish her for her joke when he realized who it was. Seemingly in a different life, she had played jokes on him regardless of the sibling wrath that would often follow. Now it took all she had to brave sitting on that stool. And he was angry, so angry as he spoke to Loki.

“It actually wasn’t him for once.” Nat finally added, laughing. They reactions of the others in the face of Tony’s anger soothed Hotaru some. Yet she had so many questions.

“Thank you, dear Natasha.” Loki offered a charming smile that Nat only rolled her eyes at, not wanting to give more to Loki then she already had. She was simply defusing the situation. With Tony’s attention off Loki, his anger fizzled quickly as it was just a half a cup of coffee.

“You!” Tony spoke in shock, pointing his accusation when he realized who the culprit truly was. Hotaru smiled sheepishly up at him. Fire did not light his eyes any longer. Smoke did not billow from his ears. Tony did not reach for the nearest object to smash into her. After a beat, she relaxed more, grabbing her notepad again as he started to laugh. 'A little bit of cream wouldn’t kill you’

It was a perfectly natural moment. Friendly. Safe. Was this what being family means? Tony laughed freely and the people around her joked as they ate. Was this normal?


	6. Chapter 6

With breakfast completed, the team broke for training and whatever else it was they filled their time with. Tony left Hotaru with orders to make herself at home but if she was honest, she didn’t really know how to do that and so she wondered the compound aimlessly. Two floors above hers, she found another living space. While it did have a bar and fridge, it wasn’t set for making meals. Mostly, she found halls with closed doors and conference rooms with glass walls.

At the highest floor, the voice of Jarvis advised her that the floor contained the private quarters of Tony Stark and that she was not authorized to enter. As only door on that floor wouldn’t open for her, she retreated back to the floors she considered her home. It would make sense that Tony would keep a private apartment in the tower. At no point did she find where the mystery man Jarvis spent his time, hiding away.

The floor below hers held a library and media room, among other things. With little else to do, a book would at least occupy her time. Much of the books however were of academic subjects and far to advanced for her. Hotaru wondered if it was that they were too advanced or if she was simply stupid, as her captors always said Maybe anyone else would understand these subjects. For a moment, she wondered of Tony was really still that boring but decided that there very well could be another library in the building with better leisure reading that she hadn’t found yet. 

Unknown to her, Loki watched as Hotaru explored the tower. He followed in the shadows, careful not to be observed by her. Did he need to hide? No, not really. But while under house arrest, what else could he do to entertain himself. At least following the little Firefly filled his time.

He watched as she fluttered about the library, picking up and putting back books of all subject matters. While he could point her down the hall and around the corner where the second half of the tower’s library was kept, he was curious about what she would pick. That of course was if she picked anything at all.

Hotaru stopped in front of the selection of books on mythology and history. They seemed oddly out of place to her but she was happy to find something that wouldn’t straight read like a textbook or academic journal. After sifting through her options, she settled for a book on Norse mythology and carefully picked it up.

“Were you truly going to be so cold as to let me take the fall for Tony’s missing coffee?” Loki spoke from directly behind her, snagging the book from her as she dropped it in her fright. Again, she screamed yet no noise came, just the soft whoosh of the air passing through her throat and mouth. Hotaru shook her head at him while dramatically clutching at her chest.

“Your heart is fine.” Loki flipped through the book, reading a few pages here and there before handing it back to her. “Most of what’s in here is inaccurate, you are aware of that?”

Hotaru smiled at him and shrugged her shoulders. She could have assumed as much but really, what could she do. Without her notepad or pen, she had no way to really give voice to why she picked the book beyond that she did. Even if she had her notepad, could she explain with just a note or two?

“If you wish to know of the Gods, I have much better books then this.” Loki spoke, wiggling the book in his hand. “However, should you wish to know of my Brother and I, you’ll do well to ask the source.”

When Loki finally handed the book back to her, she looked down at it for a moment, unsure as to what she wanted to do. It took a moment for her to decide that she knew far too little about the people who surrounded her. All she knew is that they saved her, that they were associated with her brother and that they were not normal. Additionally, she still had questions about the man who was clearly mistrusted but allowed to roam free.

Loki seemed to be waiting for her answer and so she shelved the book before turning to face him again with a small smile. He grinned down at her, deciding that she would at least be an interesting diversion. Further, he would annoy Stark by knowing the little Firefly better than her own brother.

“Little Firefly?” Loki spoke softly as he extended his hand to her, bowing slightly at the waist. Hotaru. It was her opinion that he looked noble, regal even, in his black on black suit. With nothing else to do, she rested her hand in his and offered a mock curtsy.

“We’ll have to work on that curtsy of yours, Little Firefly, should you have need to properly greet me in the future.” With a swift movement, he straightened and took her hand, placing it in the crook of his elbow as he laughed. His hand rested on hers as he lead her through the halls in the direction of their rooms. Loki was well aware he was being overly familiar with her and that Tony had cameras over most of the tower and would likely see. That was the point, to irritate his jailer while keeping up the most innocent air.

Hotaru didn’t know that it was a game for Loki. All she knew is that he was a intriguing man and if she could learn more about him and his brother through books, she was going to accept the chance. Books could talk to her without expecting answers from her that she had to figure out how to give. Books were safe, she decided as they walked. Books were friends.

Glancing up at Loki, she wondered if he was a friend also. She wondered about the chains and wished she had her notepad. Without it, she settled for using her free hand to write on his shoulder. ‘Who are you?’

“I am Loki, Prince of Asgard, King of Jotunheim, brother to Thor, King of Asgard.” The answer was simple in his mind as he glanced down at her, eyebrow cocked. He had a feeling that wasn’t what she meant but she didn’t know him and he liked that. Having been kept locked away for much of her life, her opinion of him was untainted by the things he did, the things he was forced to do. She knew nothing of the mistakes he had made. She didn’t know that he was King of an empty rock. 

For a while, she accepted the answer. She hadn’t know he was royal. She was never told Thor was a King. If she was to treat them differently, she couldn’t tell and so decided to continue as she was. To change now could risk punishment, if it was not what they wanted. Oh how she longed for the days when she knew what was expected of her. Was it possible to miss being a captive?

For a short moment, his hand left it’s place atop hers as he opened his bedroom door for them, stepping inside and holding the door for her until she was inside. Only when she was lead to a set of bookshelves did he allow her to free her hand from his arm.

Many of the books were in a language other than her own. Each and every one was bound with great care and skill, reminding her of books from long ago. In her time, quality and care was replaced with speed and efficiency. Softly, she ran her fingers along the spines of books, feeling the supple leather bindings. She hesitated over on titled 'A History of Asgard’ before looking back to Loki.

“You may.” With a nod he granted his permission and she carefully took the heavy book from its place. Hotaru was thankful for the clear granting of permission, something she was finding hard to come by. “It holds the story of our Father, his father and our people. Much more accurately than Stark’s books.”

For a moment, she stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do next. Damn, how she wished she had a voice. She settled for looking around. Loki’s room was much the same as hers in the most basic sense. The layout was similar at least. The windows were draped in dark green fabric, pulled back partially, the blinds behind it pulled up, letting light into the room. Rather than the long shelf under the window sat a plush bench, covered in rich green fabric and made of dark solid wood with gold accents, just the same as the rest of the furniture in the room. His bed was draped in black and green. It stood tall and imposing in the room, four post banisters reaching toward the ceiling. The bookshelves were tall and heavy, full of books.

“You can sit.” Loki offered when her eyes returned to him. “Or, if you would rather you can take it and return it when your finished.” After hesitating for a moment, Hotaru nodded her thanks and made her way to the door where she hesitated again in the doorway. “If you should have any questions…” Loki motioned to himself rather than completing the sentence, leaving his meaning clear yet open.

With one last smile to him, she left him to duck into her room where she grabbed her pen and notepad before heading back into the living room where she perched herself into a armchair and waited out her time with her nose in the book.

Clint came back some time later brandishing his shopping bags of goodies and a pleased grin on his face.

“I’m home with gifts!” Clint called with slight victory dance, earning him a smile, wave and silent laugh from Hotaru as he made his way into the living space.

As Clint put away his shopping, she returned to her book. While she had been reading in peace, she had hardly made a dent. It was written in English however the phrasing was different, causing her to often have to re-read passages. In reality, her reading comprehension was likely compromised as well, it had been years since she last read more then a few words at a time and even longer since she read anything nearly this dense.

Before she knew it, Clint was sitting on the coffee table facing her and nudging her leg with his foot. Finally dragging her attention from the history book, she looked up at him and cocked her head to the side.

“I got you a notebook.” Clint nudged her again when her eyes went back to the book. It was interesting and he was interrupting her story. It felt safe to give him a hard time, Hotaru was enjoying ignoring the man. With a sigh she closed it and set it aside, giving him her full attention and a thin smile. It was clear he was excited however and that excitement is what drew a true smile from her.

The notebook was only presented when he had her full attention. “I hope you like it,” Clint started, face split by a large grin as he pulled out the notebook and handed it to her. “I went to a actual stationary store, feel lucky Taru!”

It was solid backed with a spiral binding. The cover was black and decorated with misty swirls of red that could almost be a flowers. Flipping it open, she found clean white lined pages, each page was able to be cleanly torn from the book, allowing her to clear conversations if she wished. Hotaru smiled at him in thanks as she moved to grab her claimed pen from next to him but just as quickly but Clint tossed it away.

“Nope! No more scratchy pen snatched from some lobby 20 years ago.” As Clint spoke, he pulled out a package of brand new pens. After peeling back the packaging, he offered one of the pens to her before setting the package next to him. “Try her out, take her for a test drive, see how she writes.”

Clint was so excited about the pens that Hotaru couldn’t resist giving in to his somewhat childish demands. It seemed silly to her as she wrote out a simple 'thank you’ note before deciding the pen did indeed write better and added 'you’re right, it’s nice’ , but later that night, she would understand. When she was sitting alone in her room, doodling on her new notepad with the colored pens that wrote so smoothly, it hit her.

Writing was her voice, or as close to it as she would ever have and it was something she only just recently obtained. Did she want her voice to be a pen that hardly write while it scratched up the paper and sticky notes? It did in a pinch, but was that what she wanted the world to see her as, to hear her as? It was something she never considered before, but a crisp new notebook that had a dark and mysterious cover presented much better than sticky notes.

Each pen was dark, the ink just a few shades lighter than black, but each was colored differently. She had a blue, a red, a purple, a green and a black pen. With them, she had the ability to color her words, as one would color their spoken words with the tone of their voice, if she wished to. Each pen wrote easy and clearly, each had a fine tip and left smooth lines. Each pen was perfect. Just what she didn’t know she wanted, what she didn’t know she needed.

Clint did also get her a new sticky note pad, one shaped like a firefly and a small purse, just large enough to hold her notebook, pens and sticky pad. She could carry them with her, have them as needed and not have to worry about having her hands full. Hotaru hugged the packed back to her chest as she sat on her bed with a small smile on her face and her heavy borrowed book in her lap.

Next to her sits a pile of sticky notes where she took notes of what she read, in a lame effort to try and keep the stories straight. Maybe a history book wasn’t the smartest choice for first reading material in years, but she had hoped to understand the man who lent it to her a bit. Yet the book was full of stories that could be myth for how outlandish some sounded.

Each story seemed full of words she couldn’t pronounce in her mind, words she could only guess to the meaning of. Hotaru fell back on her bed and wondered if by any chance Loki had some Asgardian children’s books- something more on her level but by some stroke of luck, written in english and not whatever language was clearly the native tongue where he was from. Maybe Loki would read it to her, explain it to her as he went. It was a silly thought, she would never trouble him with that.

Loki found her some time later, asleep on her back with the heavy book half off her lap and bag loosely clutched in her arms and a sea of sticky notes littering her bed. He hadn’t intended to seek her out, but her chamber door was open and he was retiring to his chamber for the night. Curiosity drew him to her.

Blue eyes scanned notes as he cleared the bed, taking in the level of effort she was putting into reading the history text. It would be easier for her if he just explained it, if he just read it to her but he wasn’t so sure anyone would wish to be around him so long. But she didn’t know, she was unaware of the monster he was. Maybe he would offer, he decided as he placed the last of the sticky notes on her desk.

Next, he plucked the book off her lap and set it on the desk as well before returning to her and carefully working her bag out of her hands and hanging it up behind her door. The useless girl couldn’t even get herself to bed on her own and Loki wanted to be irritated at having to put her to bed. It wouldn’t do for her to sleep half on the bed after all.

Before picking her up, he pulled back the covers and dimmed the lights. Hotaru was so small in his arms, so very light. She fit so well cradled against his chest as he moved around to the other side of the bed. So well, in fact that for a short moment Loki just held her before setting her in bed and tucking the blanket around her. He told himself that he was just taking a moment to soak in the warmth that seemed to radiate off her body.

Loki didn’t allow himself to wonder about what she had gone through in her short life. Questions of her past, her scars and her life were quickly shut down. She would tell them in time, should she wish. They didn’t need to know more than what they saw when she was found. He himself knew how hard the demons of the past could be to talk about, to face at all. 

With the small girl settled into the bed, Loki took a moment to pull the covers up to her chin. She was so small, had such a hard life and yet, somehow she still lived. She had been through so much more than he had, yet she seemed to hold no hate. Fear? Yes, she had plenty of fear but she seemed so willing to open herself.

Loki left her with the lights till on, dimmed so as to not plunge her into the black night but low enough to allow for restful sleep. Just as the door clicked closed behind him, he gave her one parting glance.

In the security of his chambers, Loki found himself unable to settle for the night. He didn’t particularly need sleep and so unless he was able to relax, it was unlikely he’d pass the night resting. Would Stark watch the cameras and see Loki coming from the room in the darkness of the night? Oh how Loki hoped so. Maybe he even went against his own protocol and had cameras in his darling sister’s room. Wouldn’t that tickle Stark, to see Loki holding her, tucking her into her bed for the night.

The simple fact that this thought occured to Loki as an afterthought was lost to him, even as he paced and planed the night away. With each pass in front of the door, he listened. How he, or anyone, would know if the Little Firefly were to find herself locked in another nightmare, he didn’t know. Oddly enough however, he didn’t want to think about her being trapped in whatever dream had haunted her the night prior.

And so he paced. And thought. And annalized. Every sound was scrutinized. Was that the wind or was it the sound of a small girl fighting a tangle of blankets? Loki fully intended to be the first to her side, should she need anyone. Stark would have little chance to get from the top of the tower to her before he could.

That was the reason, the only reason he left his chamber that night. It was the only reason he opened the door to her’s and the only reason he found himself standing at the side of her bed. It was the reason he reached out and softly brushed the hair from her face. That was why he left, just as silently as he had come. That was why he went to her side two additional times during the night.

Tony was in a sour mood that morning. He got little sleep and when he did, he was haunted by nightmares. In his dreams, Loki won. In his dreams, Loki ruled the world. In his dreams, when Loki didn’t win, Loki would betray them again and again.

The worst however, was the most recently added to his nightly collection of horrors. Loki, putting Hotaru in a cell. Loki standing over her bloody. Loki sending monsters from the depths of the universe to consume her. Loki leaving her in a bloody, broken heap for him to find.

Thor said Loki was reformed. Loki had been behaved, for the most part for the last two years. Loki fought by their side during battles. But even now, Tony Stark could only see the Loki that stood in the living space on the top floor of Stark Tower, calling a army to destroy the world.

Tony had figured checking the cameras would put his mind at ease around 11 the night prior. He could see the light coming from her open door and Tony was going to close the window until he saw him. Loki.

Tony watched as Loki went into her room. Tony watched as the shadow moved through the doorway and the light got dimmer. It was only when Tony made up his mind to go down and remove Loki from her room that he emerged, closing the door behind him.

That is how Tony spent much of his night. Clutching glass after glass of scotch and watching the hall camera. Jarvis was set to wake him at any movement in the hall, but Tony still watched. At times, he dozed. Each and every time Loki visited her room, Tony watched.

It was only when morning brought life to the tower that Tony set about going to work. He didn’t need food. He didn’t need to rest. He had coffee in his rooms and his lab. He needed to think of a way to get Hotaru to tell him why she wouldn’t talk. Only if he knew, he could fix it or hire someone if he couldn’t do it himself.

Hotaru waited again to come out of her room. Again, she had woken early with the sun. It wasn’t until nearly eight that Clint commented that she had been sleeping in. Breakfast was cooked and coffee drank by much of the team, the food was getting cold.

“Lady Stark is not still sleeping.” Thor offered in passing.

“Then why hasn’t she come to breakfast?” Clint was almost whining. He had made her perfect bacon, crispy hashbrowns and was waiting to make her an egg fresh. Reheated eggs were never good.

“It’s likely that she is waiting for someone to fetch her.” Thor offered after thinking for a moment.

“Of course she is. She’s a servant, a slave. Without direction, they do nothing.” Loki’s words were sharp. Had he been the only one to realize that she wouldn’t just stop being a slave because they told her she was ‘free’?

“Loki, she is a free Lady now. She is free to come and go.” Thor was the only one who spoke, the Clint and Natasha sat in silence considering Loki’s words. Steve had left to train almost an hour ago and Tony had been absent all morning.

“Does she know how to be free? Brother, tell me, if you told one of Asgard’s slaves that they were free, all crimes forgiven, what would they do? They would leave. But if you told the same to their children, born into Asgard’s hands and working alongside their parents?” It wasn’t often they spoke of the captives Asgard collected. Their people were ones of battle and war, captives and slaves seemed to come hand in hand, though they were always treated with standards and their children could earn their freedom, few did. Most adults were prisoners of war, warriors who surrendered rather than give their lives in a lost battle and their families.

“They would remain stagnant.” Thor finally admitted.

“Loki speaks true.” Wanda’s accented voice broke the short silence that had descended. “Just as she had to learn to be a slave, she will have to learn to be free. It will take time. It is something she may well never master.”

“I’ll go check on her than.” Nat offered, standing. “Clint, get her egg going. Wanda- I don’t think she’ll ask to go shopping. I don’t think she’ll ask for anything. You’re right.”

“I will be ready after she eats.” Wanda agreed as Nat made her way to the hall. Loki was disappointed to not be the one to fetch her but it wouldn’t do to see too eager. Not when he didn’t have confirmation that Stark was watching the cameras.

Nat knocked softly on the door and was met with silence. It should have been expected yet for a moment, she waited for someone to call out to her, granting her entry. Hotaru’s silence was something that would take time to get used to. Natasha knocked again before popping her head into the room.

“It’s me.” She called as she waited for some acknowledgement from the girl. Hotaru was sitting at her desk, nose in a book that Natasha had never seen before. “What’s that?”

Hotaru lifted the book up and showed the cover.

“A history of Asgard?” Natasha read aloud. “Thor must have lent it to you. A bit heavy for my taste.” Hotaru shook her head ‘no’ as Nat was speaking.

‘Loki lent it’ Hotaru wrote out in her notebook in a pen that was just almost purple as Natasha leaned a bit over her back to read. ‘Did you put me to bed last night?’

“Nope, wasn’t me. Probably Tony checking up on you.” She shrugged as she spoke. “Come to breakfast, Firefly.”

Hotaru nodded and packed her notebook and pen back into the bag. She liked the purple pen.

“You know, you are free to come and go from your room whenever you want. Come out when you wake up, join us for breakfast whenever you want. You are welcome, you are wanted.” Nat spoke softly as they walked. It was a reminder meant just for her. The sincerity in her words was not lost on Hotaru.

When she sat, she was greeted with a warm plate of food, a fresh egg and a slice of toast. Clint was dancing to music only he could hear as he was pulling out jars and lining them up in front of her, alongside a jar of toothpicks.

“For today’s preshopping lesson,” Clint drew attention to him as he sat the last jar down. “We will learn what Hotaru likes on her toast.”

The man was far to pleased with himself but Hotaru couldn’t help smiling just the same. Each jar held a jelly, each labeled with a different fruit. There was also a few nut butters. Natasha and Wanda took places at her side and they were soon joined by Thor. Even Steve made an appearance, sweaty from training.

“What’s going on?” Steve asked, using a hand towel to mop his face as Clint set to work popping open jars.

“Clint wishes to learn the Firefly’s toast preferences.” Wanda declared as Clint grabbed a toothpick and stuck it in the peanut butter, scooping some up and handing it to Hotaru.

Clint made a thumbs up, a maybe sign and a thumbs down, making it clear that those were how he wanted her to report her findings. All eyes were on here as she laughed. It would never stop being weird, to see her do something that should have sound. She offered a thumbs down and Clint removed the jar from the line up.

Steve seemed the most bothered by it, his blue eyes flicked from her to Clint and back. The others had spent more time with her, not that she had been around long. Clint just shrugged in return to his questioning gaze and handed Hotaru another toothpick, this time with a chocolate nut butter that earned a ‘maybe’.

The first spread she liked, grape jelly, ended up on her toast so she could eat her breakfast. In between bites of eggs and potatoes, she sampled the rest of the spreads. Soon, clint had a “Firefly approved” list of spreads that he intended to set out for her every morning. Eventually, the little firefly may feel safe enough, brave enough to venture into the cabinets at pick a spread herself but they were beginning to realize, that may take longer than they expected.

Loki watched from the sidelines, forgotten and ignored. As he often was. It was better to watch, see how the others would react. It allowed him to plan his own path. In the background it was easy to observe how the others interacted with her. Some were more comfortable then others. Some found her silence deafening. She interacted best with those who made points to adjust and treat her normal and so that’s what he decided to do. As if that wasn’t already how he was treating her.

As they watched her eat, the people in the room each came to the realization that this would be their greatest mission. It was a unspoken agreement, each made independently within their hearts and minds. Some not even aware of it.

Their greatest project, as a team. Each and every one of them had a past, each one of them had a past, some worse than others, but none of them came as broken as she, except maybe Bucky. None knew that Loki held a broken soul as well. But most of them was strong enough on their own to recover, to reach out and accept the help they needed.

Hotaru however, they feared for her. She had no sins, she had no part in the fight. She was pure. They each decided in their hearts that they would see her healed. They would see her shine. They would protect her, guide her and eventually, she would blossom. Eventually she would shine. Like a little firefly, she would be a light in their darkness.

To them, she became a symbol without even knowing it. To the team of defenders, to the Avengers, she became the single embodiment of the innocents they fought to protect and at times failed. They would save her, for every one that they could not save during the battle. For every innocent that died, that would die, they would save her. Their redemption rested in the heart of one Hotaru Stark.

May she heal quickly so that their souls would no longer be pained by the innocents lost. May she heal quickly, so that they could heal the guilt in their hearts. May she heal.


	7. Chapter 7

Hotaru took her time eating breakfast as she sat in the morning sun at the breakfast bar. The warmth felt good. She had eaten more in the 48 hours then she had in a very long time and her body was beginning to feel bloated with the burden of processing all the food. But they wanted her to eat, so she ate just the same without complaint or hesitation.

Around her, people chattered and a general outline of the day was made. The women wanted to take Hotaru out to get ‘personal items’, whatever that was. She didn’t care about what clothes she wore or what her soap smelled like. Hotaru was thankful for what they had already provided her. Why they thought she needed more was beyond her.

Yet when her plate was dutifully cleared, they sent her to get ready. Hotaru was thankful that they were at least providing direction for her this day as she slipped into a soft pair of stretchy sweatpants and pulled a tank top over her head. With a few passes through her hair with a brush, she was as ready to leave as she was going to be.

With her hair no longer matted in dirt, it kept falling into her face. It was something Natasha had noticed the day prior but thought nothing of. She had assumed Hotaru would ask for a hair tie if it was bothering her. Now, the redhead thought differently as she watched the small girl push her hair back yet again after emerging from her room.

“Here, let me?” Nat offered, holding out the small elastic before moving to stand behind Hotaru in the hall once she nodded. Natasha’s fingers ran through the long strands of dark hair a few times before gathering it in a tail, just off her neck. It felt odd to have her hair pulled back and Hotaru ran her fingers along the strands, enjoying the feel.

“Feel okay?” Natasha asked, a bit worried at the bemused expression on her face.

Hotaru nodded and offered a small smile as the three women gathered by the couches. Tony brust through the elevator doors as soon as they opened, drowning out the soft ‘ping’.

“A lady needs shoes!” He announced, seemingly pulling an air of confidence around himself in a matter of seconds.

“We have sandals for her until we can get to the shoe store.” Wanda spoke matter of factly, holding up the items in question.

“Nonsense!” Tony presented a shoe box and passed it to Hotaru. It took a moment for her to realize he was trying to hand it off and so she stood dumbly looking at him. “Ah, for you. Lil Bit. Sit! Sit down, take a load off for a second.”

Not sure what else to do, Hotaru sat on the arm of the couch as Tony kneeled before her. Never had she had someone kneeling before her. It was always her that kneeled. She watched as he opened the box and pulled out a cloth ball and a pair of shoes.

“I had J measure your feet and ordered these. The delivery driver managed to get distracted or something, they only just got in. Better than sandals.” Tony was rambling, looking anywhere but at her face.

It wasn’t that her feet were much better to look at. He could see countless scars all over them. Quickly, he covered them with socks. Not seeing them made him feel better. Having them hidden put a lid on the ever bubbling pot of his anxiety. He wondered when she last wore shoes was but quickly shut the thought out. No, those thoughts did no good. They were useless. A waste of time. Once the shoes were tied, he pulled her to her feet.

“Take them for a test drive while you girls go spend all my money. Anything you want, everything you want- it’s on me. Have fun.” Tony guided her toward the elevator.

“We can skip the shoe store now, if you want.” Natasha comments as the elevator descends into the garage. Hotaru dutifully follows as they lead her to a black sedan where she takes a seat in the back. As the city passed by her, Hotaru was fascinated. There was so much that she was just beginning to see for the first time, to know for the first time.

The day is spent picking hygiene products, learning to care for her skin and trying on clothes. Hotaru lost track of the number of stores she had been dragged through. She was sized and measured multiple times by multiple people but as dinner approached, she looked human.

Natasha even took her to have her hair cut and with a few inches taken off Hotaru felt lighter. She had bangs swept to the side and layers framing her face. Wanda said she looked cute and the hair stylist agreed. Hotaru wondered if that mattered. When the girls pulled into the garage, they found Clint waiting for them.

“Nat texted and said you had a bunch of spoils. Need help carrying bags?” Clint offered the explanation when Hotaru cocked her head at him.

“Good boy, come here and grab things!” Nat waved him over as if he wasn’t already on the way and handed bags over. They didn’t let Hotaru take anything however. With how thin her arms was, it was the unspoken fear that just the weight of a bag of clothes would snap them. It was a bit of an exaggeration but one couldn’t always be the picture of rationality.

In all reality, as she gained muscle mass and weight, they would need to replace all of her clothes and so they didn’t go wild. But she had enough to last her for now. It was the hope that she would improve in condition fairly quickly. She was after all, appearing to tolerate food well and eating every meal presented to her.

At least, that’s what they had thought. It was Loki who found her later that night, curled up on the couch. At first he assumed she was simply ehaused from the physical strain of the day. She had after all been more active during the day than she had been in the days prior.

She trembled in place with her eyes tightly shut and shallow breaths coming in bursts. With a glance up to the camera he wondered if Stark was watching. If so, why he had not come down? How long had she been like this?

“Jarvis, Where is Stark?” How Loki hated talking to the idiotic computer program but he could hear how shallow the girl’s breaths were coming. That most definitely was not normal.

“Mr. Odinson, Sir is currently passed out in the lab. He will likely be indisposed for a few hours longer as he has not responded to my repeated attempts to awaken him.” How exactly Tony expected to care for the Little Firefly if he was passed out, likely drunk in his lab, Loki hadn’t a clue. He’d long ago given up trying to get the computer to refer to him by something other than “Mr. Odinson” when Thor wasn’t in the room.

“What is wrong with her?” Loki asked, reaching out to rest his cool hand against her overheated forehead.

“Likely Miss Stark’s body is having trouble processing the constant supply of nurishment she’s been provided.” The chill of his hand seemed to give her comfort as she leaned into it with a small shifting of her weight. It was a small feat for him to keep his hand cool on her forehead.

Loki realized, Jarvis was likely right. Every meal he had observed her take, with the exception of the second slice of pizza her first night with them, she had eaten every scrap of food. In the past, she had probably been punished for waste. Her digestive system was likely all but shut down and yet she had kept feeding it. No one had thought about the possibility that things would be slow to process. It was no wonder she was in such pain.

Loki wanted to be the one to assist her. He wanted to be able to rub it into Stark’s face that for all the damage he did, all the pain he caused, he could still manage to take better care of the Little Firefly. Instead, he picked her nearly weightless form up and she nearly instantly curled into the coolness his body provided. She felt like fire in his arms as he carried her to her bedroom and tucked her into the bed.

“Little Firefly, your stomach pains you?” He asked when her eyes finally focused on him. Tears streamed down her face as she nodded. Yet even now, she made no noise. While he did not know how, it was clear to him that she truly lacked the physical ability to make sound at this point. Her silence was not a choice.

“I will get Stark for you.” Loki brushed the dark hair off her face and left her. Hotaru was content to cry in place as she waited. Shivers wracked her body even as sweat poured off her skin. She missed the cool of Loki’s hands, his arms and chest as he carried her. Why he felt so cool didn’t matter, the question didn’t even so much as enter her fevered mind.

Loki was a vision of frustration as he made his way through the tower. Why, he couldn’t exactly say. Yet employees made quick work of moving out of his path as his long legs swiftly took him to the labs. No one questioned him.

“Where is Stark?” Pleasantries were skipped as he spotted Dr. Banner.

“In his personal lab, I believe? He’s hardly left it.” Banner was brave enough to fall into step with Loki, who never slowed his long strides. “What’s wrong?” Banner lacked the same fear of Loki many others had. He was well aware of all that the God could do, but was also well aware of his safety. Hulk had bested Loki once, should it come to it he could do so again.

Loki ignored the smaller man as he tried to open the lab door. It was locked, as was to be expected, yet it was still an offence to Loki. He was a God, no space should he be barred from. Just one more way he was marked a prisoner, not truly welcomed in the tower. With a strong fist, he banged on the glass, ignoring Banner as he spoke of being able to unlock to door. It was faster to just break it when the man dark haired man beyond did not wake.

And so, Loki broke the glass easily. He did not think about what it would say, that he was willing to break into a space he was barred from for the small girl. It was just part of the game, after all. It was all just a game.

In a flash, Loki was hauling Stark up and shaking the man who woke with a fright. The snarling face of Loki was the first thing he saw and Stark wasn’t sure if he was awake or trapped in yet another nightmare. Alcohol made the distinction even harder to make.

“There is something wrong with the Firefly.” Loki demanded as the man’s red rimmed eyes focused fleetingly on him.

“Let go of me!” Tony yelled as he struggled, foggy mind causing him to call for a suit he had decommissioned only a few days prior rather than the most recent model.

“What’s wrong with Taru?” Banner came to Loki’s side where he made to pull Tony from his iron grip. Loki let him free, seeing that until he calmed he would be useless.

“She appears to be in great pain. She weeps.” Loki addressed Banner as Tony backed away, taking deep breaths. Banner went to his friend and urged him to sit, handing him a bottle of water.

“Tony, look at me.” Banner continued in a calm and steady voice when he had the shuddering man’s attention. “Something’s wrong with Taru. I am going to take Loki with me and check on her. Calm down and come up when you can.”

It annoyed Loki to realize he miscalculated. While, working Tony up into such a state was always amusing, the Little Firefly needed assistance and Tony was in no state to provide it. He should have stopped his search with Banner rather than wasting so much time.

Just one more way he was a failure when it came to actually being around others. Thor wouldn’t have made such a misjudgment. Thor would have had Jarvis call for Banner from the bedside.

“Where is she?” Banner’s voice drew Loki out of his thoughts as they made their way to the floor he and Hotaru shared.

“I left her in her room.” Banner nodded at the information, not truly expecting that Loki could provide more details and frankly shocked that of all the people in the tower, it was the dark god who fetched assistance.

Banner knocked softly at the bedroom door before pushing it open, Loki remaining hot on his heels. They were greeted by a sight that had not changed much since Loki left the room.

Hotaru rested in her bed, curled in a slightly tighter ball and trembling lightly. When Banner reached out to touch her, she flinched away as much as she could in her tensed state and his hand came back slick with sweat yet she did not run a high fever.

“What ills her?” Loki demanded from Banner’s side.

“Hotaru, I need you to help me so I can help you, okay?” Banner spoke directly to her, ignoring Loki’s question. She opened her eyes and looked at him as he leaned over the bed.

“Are you in pain?” She nodded.

“On a scale of one to ten, can you show me with your fingers?” She flashed five fingers twice with the hand not tucked under her body.

“Ten?” Again she nodded.

“Where does it hurt?” Banner didn’t get any clear response to his question as she simply curled into herself more. This would be easier if she could just say what the issue was.

“Is it your stomach?” Finally Banner asked looking her over, watching as she moved and running his hand over her limbs, hoping to catch a flinch that would hint at where her pain was. She nodded finally.

“Did you eat anything different recently?” Hotaru shrugged, she didn’t eat slop so everything she’d eaten since coming into their care was different. But she could not write that out, not in her condition and she didn’t know where her pen was anyway. Yet it was Loki who spoke up and voiced that very thing for her, much to Banner’s surprise.

“What did you do to her?!” Tony finally joined them, panic spiking seeing Loki so close to Hotaru’s huddled form.

“I did nothing to her.” Loki’s patience was wearing thin, now wasn’t the time for games.

“I don’t think this is his doing, Tony.” Banner commented as Tony came around to sit on the bed next to her, putting himself between her and Loki. However, Loki simply moved to the other side of her bed, much to Tony’s annoyance.

“Have you been eating?” Banner directed his attention back to the small shuddering girl. She nodded eagerly, fearful of being punished.

“Tony, how has she been eating?” Tony looked away.

“I’ve been in the lab.” He should have been spending the time with her.

“She’s eaten every meal provided in its entirety, so far as I have seen.” Loki offered.

“Jarvis, give me data on Lil Bit’s meals.” Tony called out.

“Sir. Miss Stark has a healthy appetite, clearing her plate every meal.” The disembodied voice answered. 

“Has her serving sizes been prepared per Dr. Strange’s orders?” Banner asked.

“The Wizard left orders?” Tony had not been able to stomach reading her file. He had tried, but when he did he found himself reaching for a drink. Then another. Soon, he couldn’t remember what he had read.

“Jesus, Tony! Has she been eating full meals this whole time?” Banner gaped at his friend, exasperated at his behavior. It wasn’t just in that moment, it was the whole of the situation. Hotaru was here, alive and she needed him yet he was absent, drinking away his thoughts.

“She has. Banner, what ills her?” Loki drew their attention back to the girl in the bed. Tony clutched at her hand, though he could not remember taking it.

“Her digestive system can’t handle the amount of food she’s likely eaten. With how malnourished and underweight she was, her systems were likely nearly shut down and unable to actually process the food as quickly as it has been introduced.” Banner leaned back, taking a moment to think about what type of medications they could actually acquire for her and if any of the medical staff was still in the building to write a prescription.

“Bruce. You’re saying she has a stomach ache?” Tony sounded dumbfounded at the simplicity of the answer. Yet, he couldn’t deny that it made sense. None of them had been starved in the long term like she clearly had, to the point of stunted growth. Even when Tony was held captive, he was fed a nearly adequate amount. 

“Probably, yeah.” Bruce answers absently as he directs his attention back to the small girl. “I need you to roll onto your back for me and let me check your stomach. I know it hurts but can you do that for me?” Bruce had such a reassuring way about him. He radiated calm and it made it easier to put away the pain so she could do as requested. It would do no good to get punished if she was already in such pain. But, she didn’t think he would punish her. Somehow, she knew that he wouldn’t ever punish her.

“There you go. I’m just going to feel around and make sure everything feels as it should in there, okay?” When she didn’t answer, Bruce nudged her softly and she nodded. It was odd, people waiting for her to grant permission. Never before had she had a say in anything.

Hotaru tried to be as still as she could as Bruce’s fingers dug into the soft flesh of her belly. It was so hard to relax but it was clear that he needed her to do so to the best of her ability. If her stomach was tensed, he wouldn’t be able to feel whatever it was he was looking for.

“I’m going to have you take a few pills, okay?” Bruce asked as his hands retreated from her. “One will be for the pain. Another will be a muscle relaxant, a very mild one. Also, a enzyme supplement for you to take for the next week or so. Hopefully we can keep this from happening again.” As Bruce spoke, Hotaru curled into herself and rolled onto her side again. It was comforting and somehow made the pain hurt a little less.

“Jarvis, make the meds happen and get them down here yesterday.” Tony calls out as he held onto Hotaru’s hand and rubbed her back.

Hotaru wondered who Jarvis was but the thought was soon gone with the next wave of pain. She didn’t know how long it took for Jarvis to send someone with the medication but eventually a woman delivered it to her door. Tony helped her to sit up while Bruce opened the water bottle provided with the pill bottles and dished out the little capsules.

Hotaru looked around as she sat, clutching her stomach. Loki was gone, she didn’t remember him leaving. As she leaned on Tony’s shoulder, she wondered when he moved to sit with her but she was thankful for the support he provided as she was handed the pills.

With little effort she popped the small palm-full into her mouth and took a few swigs of water. It was impressive to the men watching, but Hotaru had taken pills before. Many times in the past had various keepers needed her to take pills either to calm her, control her or make her easier to use. Sometimes, though not often, they were provided for actual medical purposes. After all, it was common enough to get sick when kept in conditions one would not even keep their pet in.

“You are going to want to drink a lot of water. I’ll get you a few bottles to have bedside. I want you to drink two bottles by morning, and six throughout the day tomorrow. Okay?” Hotaru nodded and sipped at her bottle.

It took over an hour before the pain lessened enough for Hotaru to begin to relax. Tony sobered up quickly as he sat with her, nursing his own bottle of water. At one point he excused himself to the restroom where he retched and emptied a stomach full of scotch into the basin.

He sat with her, rubbing her back in silence until she drifted off to sleep. All the while, he sat feeling like the largest piece of trash on this side of the world. A handful of floors below him, she was in pain and needed someone, needed him and where was he? Tony Stark was drunk, passed out in his lab after his body gave out under the weight of the stress.

With Nat and Clint out on a mission for the night, it was just Thor and Loki on her floor. Yet he left her alone. She was in pain, she needed him and who of all people went to fetch him? Loki. His walking, personal nightmare.

With nothing to do once she finally fell asleep, Tony extracted himself from her bed just long enough to retrieve his tablet before returning to her side. It was early still in the night, not even midnight. There were still things that he needed to do and he had a renewed purpose to accomplish the tasks.

Tony knew that her pain tonight was his fault. He just got her back and she already was in pain because of him. If only he was stronger, if only he had read the chart, he would have known. But he was too scared, too much of a coward to be confronted by the pain she went through because he gave up searching for her.

Hotaru. She deserved better than him. She deserved a brother who could take care of her. Would take care of her. She wouldn’t want for anything, she would be safe. He would keep her safe.

Tony didn’t return to his rooms until well after 2am, he had read and reread the notes left by Dr. Strange. Seeing the cold, clinical way the Wizard wrote about his Hotaru left him wanting for the burn of scotch yet he did not get up. It was as if it was any nameless person he wrote of. Coldly, impersonally, he detailed bruises, marks, scars and scabs.

It was 3am when Tony collapsed into his bed for the first time in a few days and Tony Stark slept for four hours. It was the longest he had slept in days. It was the best he had slept in days. What the next few days would mean for him, for her- only time would tell.


	8. Chapter 8

Tony had been suffocating her. Every time anyone directed her to do anything, he would jump down their throats saying that she was free to do what she wished, when she wished. It didn’t matter how much Hotaru tried to communicate that it was fine, he still hovered. What she ate, how much she ate, it was all controlled by him as contrary as that seemed. It left Hotaru yearning for the freedom, the little bit of control she had before the night she had taken ill.

It was early when Hotaru woke that morning, nearly a week after that painful night. She always woke early, with the sun but today she didn’t feel like leaving her room. Tony would be there, from the start. It seemed he always was, without fail.

She’d gained some weight and wasn’t so sickly thin anymore. Bruce had said she was free to resume normal eating after a phone call to Dr. Strange. Still, she had a long way to go before she reached a healthy weight or normal muscle mass. Yet Tony still monitored everything she ate. It was him that decided if, when and how she would work out. It seemed it was him that decided everything for her now.

As Hotaru finally changed into a pair of jeans she thought about her life, what she could remember of when she was a child, of before and of the life she had lived in captivity. She thought about the life she was living now. It was odd that she was beginning to resent her brother for the control he was forcing on her, yet when left to her own devices she remained stagnant, doing nothing. As more and more nights passed, Hotaru found herself better able to think, as if a deep fog was slowly lifting off her mind, a fog that had been present for most of her life and yet she had hardly noticed it.

It was like her mind was a muscle she was also just beginning to exercise, perhaps. Tony took her to a different library in the building and helped her to pick out books. It was smothering, nearly everything he did. It wasn’t really her that picked the books, not really though he told himself that it was. Tony decided what he thought was best and then she got to pick from that.

In an effort to escape the weight of Tony’s constant care, Hotaru had begun staying up later into the night. Tony would all but tuck her into bed and as soon as he left, she would mill around her room enjoying the peace. Sometimes she would try and make sense of the book Loki loaned her but even now it was heavy reading.

It left her tired, but she was sleeping better at night then she could ever remember. The warmth of the bed, the comfort, it lulled her into a deep slumber. She didn’t need the long nights of rest after her initial recovery. It made it easier for her to keep her lonely nights without Tony changing their schedule, without him questioning her. On occasion, she was still tired in the morning, yet Tony chalked that up to nightmares, something that still plagued her nearly nightly.

Today, like every day, Tony doted on her. He had obtained an online course and was pushing her to resume her education. Yet, he hovered as she sat at the laptop he provided her, seemingly never stopping talking.

“This program here,” Tony pointed. “If you open it- that’s an IM program. You can send messages to everyone through it if they are online, that’s the green circle. If someone’s not online, Jarvis will notify them of a message unless they request him not.” Hotaru nodded. It would be a step toward normal communication. Yet, with the exception of Steve, Tony and Bruce, no one seemed to sit around in front of computers and tablets waiting to chat.

“I can get you a tablet today, set it up all spiffy for you. It would work the same, anywhere in the Tower.” Tony was getting worked up again, trying to fix things. Trying to fix her. “It wouldn’t be hard at all to set it up to read what you type outside of the IM system, really. I should have thought of that, already.”

‘Its fine’ Hotaru was slow to pick at the keys, missing the simplicity of pen and paper. Tony nodded and agreed.

It was fine, he would take care of it. Finally, he left her with her ‘course work’ and she breathed deeply. Everything about the computer was cumbersome to navigate and writing with the keyboard was a slow and painful death to her already fragile sanity. If Loki had not swept into the room when he did, she likely would have chucked the offensive computer and it’s damned course out the nearest glass window, possible punishments be damned.

“Something troubles you, Little Firefly?” Loki glanced at her as he set a kettle on the stove.

She pecked at the keyboard for a moment longer before collapsing dramatically on her arms. Loki watched as she swallowed for a moment before frantically looking for her notebook before he pushed from behind the laptop screen, a small smile playing at his face at her theatrics. It was something he had grown fond of, in exchange for her silence it seemed everything his Little Firefly did was dramatic.

He watched as she heaved a sigh and snatched the pen up. Quickly, she was scribbling away words as he poured hot water into his mug. When he returned to the counter, dropping a tea ball into the mug she had finished and turned the book for him to read.

‘Tony has me doing school on this thing. Everything takes forever to do. Writing on it is hard. Making it work is hard. It’s boring. He will be mad if I don’t do it.’ Her words were written in the green ink that she seemed to only use when talking to him.

“What makes you think he’d be angry if you told him you didn’t wish to continue?” Loki paused as he mixed a smidge of honey into his mug and set the kitchen back to rights. He could hear the tapping of her pen behind him, yet not the sound of it working over the paper. She had no true answer to give. “You are safe here, you are free here. Little Firefly, no one will make you do something you do not wish to here unless you allow them to do so. You are in control of how much power they have over you.”

‘He won’t let me breath’ she finally scratched out the words. Most of the time, her notes were short, conversations hardly more than the passing of needed information or answering questions. Yet with Loki, he would give her as much time as she needed to write without making her feel as if he was waiting on her, as if she was holding him behind.

“Perhaps speak with him?” When she cocked an eyebrow at him, Loki caught his careless use of words but a smile grew on her face just the same. He spoke to her as if she was a normal person.

‘How? He gets bored and distracted when I’m writing.’ It felt like even when Tony was hovering over her, he was always talking at her. She couldn’t write fast enough and before she was finished his mind was off on the next topic. No matter what, it felt like she was too slow for him.

“I could assist you with that.” Loki nodded at the laptop. “I’ve managed well enough, however typing will take time for you to master. The technology of this world is very much a part of Stark’s life, if you speak to him through it he may yet hear you better, Little One.”

Hotaru nodded, chewing her lip as Loki came around the other side of the island, setting his mug down next to her only to have her snatch it up and take a sip, flinching when the still too hot tea touched her lips. The not so subtle theft of his tea did not go unnoticed but Loki didn’t comment on it.

“Show me what he has you doing. Take your time.” Loki watched over her shoulder as she clumsily navigated the system. She showed him lessons and ebooks that made her eyes hurt after a while. Working the mouse became easier with time however the system still left her confused.

‘I’m sorry. I know this is child’s work.’ she finally wrote when he took over the mouse, instructing her on easier ways to navigate and clearly renaming abstract application names to things that would make sense to her. After lowering the brightness on the screen and tweaking a few settings, it hurt her eyes less to look at it.

In the hall, Loki could hear the shuffle of Tony’s feet as he worked, drawing closer before stopping, turning suddenly and retreating. His steps were more forceful now that he knew Loki was with her. It pleased Loki greatly to know that just being near the little girl irritated the man enough to give her some space.

“Do not be.” Loki spoke when he passively glanced down to her note. “The time you would have learned these things here on Midgard was stolen from you. You did not squander the chance, you retained the ability to write and further, mastered something as complicated and dexterous as how you write out messages on flesh with not just a fingertip, but multiple working tandem. You have nothing to be sorry for, Dear Heart.”

While his words sank in, he went over what each program did, what he named them and where they were to be found. Loki kept his explanations simple, short and allowed her time to absorb the concepts before opening the childish typing program that was little more than children’s games. Based on the date mark on it, he wondered if it was purchased around the time she went missing- a relic that shouldn’t have been allowed in the light of day again. Loki closed it just as quickly, settling for a plain word document.

“When you are typing, rest your hands on the keyboard like this.” Loki first showed her how hands sat on the keys, at rest with finger tips poised and ready, yet hands relaxed. Once she nodded, he lifted his hands off the keys and gently guided her hands to rest as his did.

He spoke to her softly of typing, of how just as when she would write, much of the action was muscle memory and would take time to perfect. She should not fear the time it took to learn, because once it was mastered, she would have ready access to a whole world of communication. Loki told her of worlds online, where no one would know her, what she had been through or that she couldn’t talk like them. Where everyone communicated by the written word alone. A world where she could be normal. A world where she could be anyone she wanted.

That alone was motivation to try. It helped, for Loki to speak of her lack of intelligence as something that wasn’t her fault. As she practiced typing out messages from her notepad, Loki watched while sipping his tea.

“Do try not to look at the keyboard. It will be hard at first but in due time, you will have a map in your mind of the keys. You’ll type faster that way in the end.”

Hotaru nodded at him and made an effort as best she could to do as he said. She was slow still, but with her hands in proper position and fingers working together as a team, her words began to form faster. Still, a paper and pen would be faster for her at the moment but it gave her hope just the same. When her hands began to tire, she leaned back and stretched.

Hotarun turned in her stool and found Loki standing closer to her then she had realized. His arm rested on the back of the stool, blocking her in unintentionally as he looked down at her. Warmth radiated off of him, yet it wasn’t the same heat she expected, perhaps since he was calm? In the past, when her keepers would be so close to her, when they would use her, heat poured off of them making her fear that their very touch would burn her skin.

‘Thank you’ Hotaru timidly reached up and delicately spelled the word out on his chest, just over his heart while offering him a blinding smile. Could she feel his heart beating in his chest? Had his heart always beat so loudly? Loki wondered if he needed to partake in a woman of fleeting morals, had it been so long that the wasted wisp of a girl set his blood moving? That was something that would need to be rectified.

“You are truly welcome, My Dear.” Loki left her in a hurry, oddly enough. Hotaru couldn’t help but wonder what she had done wrong. Surely, she had done something to send one of the people she was closest with away. Whatever she had done, she hoped to not repeat it again.

Rather than chase after him and risk punishment, she turned back to the screen. Loki wouldn’t punish her anyway, even if she had indeed done something, she reasoned. He wouldn’t do that to her, would he? It was better not to think about that, to start asking those questions. They would take her down the path of doubt, just as they always did. Instead, she muddled through the work set out for her as best she could. At least navigating was easier thanks to Loki’s assistance.

Finally, that night Hotaru had enough of hiding away in her room after being tucked into her bed. Her room was beginning to feel like a cage with each passing night. They said she was free. Tony said she was free, they all did. So, what stopped her from leaving it? Old conditioning and new bravery warred in her mind and heart before she snatched up the book of Asgard and stepped out of her room,

Would Jarvis somehow know and inform Tony? Hotaru still didn’t know who Jarvis was, but the man seemed to know all and see all. He seemed to be the only person she hadn’t been introduced to yet that interacted with the floors that served as the groups home.

With her bag slung over her shoulder and heavy book in her hand, she decided it didn’t matter. They had yet to punish her for anything and so if Jarvis, whoever he was, told Tony she didn’t stay in her room that night so be it. What harm would come?

“Good evening, Little Firefly.” Loki’s smooth voice greeted her when she slowly walked into the living room. “I feared Stark had you under lock and key upon sunset.”

Hotaru shrugged as she walked over to the couches. It was nearly midnight and most of the tower had gone to sleep. She and Loki were alone in the living space and he didn’t seem angry with her. Clutching the heavy book in her arms, she looked around trying to decide where was the place she should sit, where Loki would like her. Such thoughts as those were not easy ones to turn off.

“You’ve not enjoyed the book?” Loki questioned, however it sounded much more a statement. His mind was already made up. The never ending stream of books Tony sent Hotaru off had not escaped his attention and he wondered when she would return his book, saying she had grown bored with it.

Shuffling, she tried to grab her notebook out of her bag, nearly spilling everything on the ground and dropping the book while shaking her head. She wanted to read it, she did. But it was hard and she had so little time with Tony seemingly hovering over her.

“Sit, little one, if you will.” Loki patted the space near him. “Else you’ll surely drop everything.”

Hotaru did as told, without thinking. It was an automatic action that did not go unnoticed by Loki. It pleased him to have such power over her, though he knew it shouldn’t. She was one he could count on to obey, though she was to be learning freewill. It would be such a shame when she no longer obeyed.

‘It’s hard to read, but I’m trying.’ The note drew him out of his thoughts as it was presented to him.

“Do you wish assistance with it?” Loki asked. “Or mayhap you have questions for me?”

Hotaru nodded, though Loki couldn’t be sure as to which question she was agreeing to. Regardless, she offered him a small smile. One that seemed to be reserved only for him. Loki found himself liking that smile, the more he saw it. She would offer it freely to him, often in thanks for subtle direction during her days.

‘If you don’t mind? I know I write slow and I don’t want to be troublesome.’ The words surprised Loki. All her notes were quickly written and clearly readable, how would anyone find conversing with her troublesome? As for the time it did take, it allowed one to think and formulate an answer, preventing things spoken in the moment. Loki told her as much and again, she offered him that sweet little smile and a shrug of her shoulders.

‘Where are you and Thor from? What is Asgard?’ often, she tried to search for Asgard on the maps left periodically on tables but could never find it.

“Asgard is another world, very far away from this one. We hail from that world. Thor was born there.” Loki hoped she wouldn’t ask more of himself as he realized that she intended to simply question him at the moment.

‘You are a Prince of that place? Thor is King?’ Loki nodded at her.

“You remember correctly, Little One.”

‘You said you were a king of —— another place?’ She stretched out where she tried to write the name he had spoke, but couldn’t begin to fathom how it was spelled.

“Jotunheim. Yes.” Loki’s words were cold at that. “There certainly isn’t anything failing with your memory.”

‘Is it like Asgard?’

“It is not.” The bite in Loki’s voice caused her to flinch and instantly, Loki knew it was a misstep on his part and continued with a sigh. “It is a frozen waste land. Few if any remain alive there any longer.” Hotaru nodded and for a moment, they sat in silence and she did not write anything else.

‘Why are you here?’ finally she asked. It was such a simplified version of the questions she truly wanted to ask but for now, that would do just fine.

“I am here because I intended to read. I am here because you sought company tonight.” Loki offered a charming smile to the girl sitting next to him wearing too big clothes, dressed ready for sleep.

‘That’s not what I meant.’ She finally wrote.

“I know.” He admitted. “I’m here by Thor’s order.” Loki finally admitted. He didn’t want to have to tell her what he did, the monster he was.

‘Why?’ again she asked. Loki owed her no explanation and the bite of anger bubbled within him again, yet this time he was prepared and was able to push it down.

“A story for another time, perhaps Little Firefly.” His words were soft when he spoke and she nodded at him.

‘I only wanted the book to learn about you.’ Finally she gave words to the reason, fearing he would find her childish.

“You can ask us, we’ll answer the best we are able for most things.” It felt a lie saying the words, because it was. She had just asked him a question and they both knew he denied her the answer. Yet she knew he did not answer because it was something he wasn’t ready to talk about. Her heart told her that. She never had anything, anyone else to trust in and so she had always trusted in her heart. Now wasn’t a good time to stop.

‘I still want to read it, but I’m slow. It’s hard, I’m sorry.’ Over the last few nights, Hotaru had been slowly working her way through the heavy book again. ‘If you want it back?’ She added.

“Take your time, if you wish. Keep it as long as you like.” As Loki spoke, he heard the shuffling sound of footsteps in the hall.

It was a sound unique to Tony, a sign that he had already consumed his fair share of scotch for the night. It didn’t surprise him that Tony came down, though he normally stayed in his lab and private rooms during the nights. More than likely, he was informed the moment Hotaru left her room and was watching a video feed as they sat on the couch together. Now was the time to play his little game in earnest.

“Read it as slow or fast as you wish, Little Firefly.” Softly, he rested his hand on her knee.

Hotaru nodded and her breath hitched at the contact. It was odd, Loki was not one for such subtle affections. Yes, he had touched her in the past, but this was different. Before, it was always a guiding hand. Now he was offering comfort, reassurance in such a simple touch and so she smiled at him, a small pure smile before beginning to write again.

‘Everyone here is smart.’ she started before deciding he was safe. Loki was safe. ‘I feel like Tony deserves a smart sister. Smart like him. I’m sorry that I’m stupid.’

Hotaru didn’t hear the sound of Tony’s feet on the floor as he moved closer. His stomach was tied in knots and for the first time in a long while, he wasn’t sure if the scotch would stay down. Loki shouldn’t be touching her. Loki would hurt her. Loki would kill her. Loki would take her. Loki. Loki. Loki.

Tony swallowed the lump and the panic. He knew those thoughts. Those thoughts were born of anxiety. Born of panic. Born of fear. Those thoughts were lies. Were they really? Yes, Thor said Loki could be trusted. Loki hadn’t done any harm in the six months he had been in the tower, beyond a few small pranks.

Yet still, seeing him sitting so close to her turned his stomach. He was close enough to hear what the God said.

“You, Little One, are most definitely not stupid.” Loki grabbed her hand before she could write more and Tony fought back the urge to lunge at the God for touching her. “You will listen to me before you speak again.”

It was hard, but Tony kept his feet planted. He hated when others would tell his Hotaru what to do. She was free. Was she? Did he not dictate all of her days? Why was she even awake when he tucked her into bed? Didn’t she want to go to bed? He tried to remember her making the choice to go to bed, her saying that was what she wanted and his mind was coming up blank. His thoughts were cut off by Loki’s words again.

“Yes, you lack much knowledge others would have at your age. Yet you know pain, you know sorrow, you know want in a way few others do. You hold the ability to gain knowledge- that is what sets the intelligent ones apart from those with minds gone lame.”

Hotaru nodded with tears in her eyes and a shuddering breath. Over her shoulder, Loki could see the conflicted look on Tony’s face but paid the man no mind. If he gave him his attention, the game could come to an end- or at least that is what he told himself.

Tony watched on, stunned to hear the words Loki spoke. It was easy to imagine what she could have written to cause him to say such things, though Tony couldn’t make the words out from his place. He glanced down at the glass of scotch clutched in his hand.

Simultaneously, he wanted to down the contents of the cup and to never drink another drop. Had he made her feel that way? Was it him that made her feel stupid? Was he pushing too much, too fast?

Loki watched as a tear finally slipped free from her eyes, leaving a trail down her cheek. Without much thought, he brushed the trail away and took her notebook from her hands, setting it on the table.

“You are just what Stark needs you to be, Little One. In two weeks, you will be what he needs you to be then as well. In six months, just the same. You are as you need to be, as long as you keep learning, keep healing, you will always be what he needs.”

Loki surprises himself just as much as Hotaru when he pulls her into his lap. She comes willingly enough and settles against his chest as his arms lay softly on her back.

“Rest, Little Firefly. Let your heart rest for it has been through much.” Softly he spoke . Yet all the while, he is aware of Tony, slyly watching the man as he makes a point to speak just loud enough to be heard.

Tony turned on his heel and left. Quickly he made his way up to his rooms and before he knew it, he found himself emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet like a frat boy. When he finally could stand again, he hurled his glass against the wall and watched in mild satisfaction as glass and liquid exploded on contact before falling into his bed. What tomorrow would bring? Hell if he knew but he had to do better. For her, he had to do better. Had to be better.

Loki focused on Hotaru once Tony had left. Her brother didn’t make a silent exit and it was surprising that she didn’t look up at the noise. The warmth of her body soaked into him, warming him in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. She fit nicely in his lap too.

After a moment, Loki realized she had fallen asleep. It would be best to deposit her into her bed. With Tony already set off for the night, he had no reason to keep holding her. She could be left on the couch, yet Loki didn’t feel right leaving her in the open. After all that she had been through, years of sleeping on cold hard surfaces, she deserved every night she spent in a bed.

It wouldn’t work with his game. Oh yes, the game was heating up indeed. It was just a game, after all.

“Brother?” Thor spoke as Loki carried the small frame of Hotaru to her room.

“Speak softly.” Loki hissed as he entered into the hall.

Thor watched as his brother carried the small girl to her room and set her into the bed, pulling blankets over her. He waited until Loki entered the hall again and the girl’s door was closed before beginning again to speak.

“You care for her?” Thor grinned wide at the words. “It’s great!”

“You know nothing, Brother.” Loki didn’t even spare the larger man a glance as he crossed the hall.

“She is good for you.” Thor commented, leaning next to the door.

“She is nothing.” Loki countered, slipping into the room and closing the door on Thor’s grinning face.

She was just a game. It was just a game. Just a way to pass the time. Just a way to get under Stark’s skin. Just a hobby. He didn’t care about her. He would never care about her. She could never care about him. He was a monster, when she found out she would leave him. She wouldn’t stay.

It was just a game.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: This chapter does speak in passing to some of the things Hotaru has experienced in the past. This chapter mentions in passing topics such as murder, miscarriage and infanticide.

When Hotaru woke, she was surprised to find herself in her bed. She didn’t remember making her way back to her room. All she remembered was self pity and crying on Loki. Thinking back on his kind words made her heart feel full in a way she couldn’t understand.

Dressing in loose clothing, she prepared for the day. It had been almost two weeks that she had been under the care of the medical staff, having them change bandages and now as she looked in the mirror, she saw that even the sores on her neck had healed over. The medical staff were kind enough to allow her to tend to her neck herself and so her secret was safe still.

The fabric Dr. Strange had given her was rougher than the bandages yet it felt more comfortable as she wrapped it around her neck, covering the most ugly scar on her body. Hotaru Stark was indifferent about her appearance for the most part. She had little understanding of what men liked to see beyond the animals that had used her.

She did know that she liked to look upon many of the men she was surrounded by. Yet it was the dark grace of Loki she most favored. What this meant for her, she did not know. All she understood was that he was pleasing to her eye, his voice pleasing to her ear and his presence pleasing to her heart.

As she looked at herself in the mirror, she wondered if they would ask about the cloth around her throat. What would they think if they saw it? Would Tony be angry? Would he avoid her? Would he hate her? What would Loki think?

It didn’t matter. She wasn’t ready. It wasn’t a story she wished to tell. Was there even enough paper in her notebook to tell her story? Could she even tell a story she didn’t know the beginning to? Would they hate her, for the things she was forced to do? How could she even begin to put words to the life she had lived to make them understand.

First she just knotted the cloth strips and decided she didn’t like how that looked and rewrapped them, tying a bow this time. It looked stupid. Again she rewrapped it, slipping the end of the fabric under the wrappings and smiling when it held in place.

Tony didn’t collect her from her room, no was he waiting in the kitchen to wish her a good morning when she came out with her laptop. It was odd. Yet, it was nice not to have to answer twenty questions about what she was doing, how much she had done and what she had learned while working. After breakfast she began to worry.

‘Where’s Tony?’ She wrote and passed the notebook to Clint as he walked by.

“Don’t know. Probably in the lab.” Clint shrugged. “Want me to call him down for you? Or you can IM him.” After a moment, Hotaru shrugs.

“IM him, that would probably make him happy.” Clint rests a hand on her shoulder and gives a comforting squeeze before heading off to his room. From the sitting room behind them, Loki smirked into his book.

‘Did you die?’ Hotaru slowly typed out the message and sent it off to her Brother before returning to reading her text and clicking through questions.

‘Oh dear? Whatever could this be? Lil Bit is IMing me? Whatever have I done to be blessed so?!’ The ping of the message being received startled her and she nearly flinched off her seat. The sound earned her a flick of attention from Loki however he quickly returned to his book. Now was not the time to play his game, now was simply for observing.

‘Have I done something wrong?’ Hotaru types but hesitates to send the message for a few moments.

‘What?’ Tony’s reply comes nearly instantly, keeping Hotaru’s attention as Loki slides up behind her. ‘What makes you think that?’

‘You didn’t come to breakfast. I haven’t seen you all day’ Hotaru chewed on her lip as she waited for the response. Tony was right, talking through text for the both of them was nice.

“Your typing has improved already, Little Firefly.” The smooth voice from behind her caused Hotaru to jump but her attention was quickly stolen by a ping.

‘Miss me already?’ Tony quickly followed his message with another. ‘I’ve been working in the lab. Lost track of time.’

‘Have you eaten?’ Hotaru opened a blank document off to the side and typed a message for Loki.

‘Thank you. I’m trying.’ The ping of Tony’s response drew her attention back to his window.

‘I’ll come down for lunch. Anything you want, Lil Bit?’ After reading, she pointed at the message for Loki to read it as well, keeping her finger under the line ‘Anything you want’. It took Loki a few moments to realize she was redirecting Tony’s question to him.

“Mayhap Chinese would interest you?” Loki smiled as he spoke. The little Firefly was beginning to feel comfortable enough with him to improvise more communications.

‘Could try Chinese?’ She typed.

‘Can do. I’ll be down when it’s delivered.’ Tony responded and Hotaru closed the window. Rather than return to her school work, she sat in place and chewed on her thumbnail absently.

“What troubles you?” Loki slid onto the stool next to her and watched as Hotaru simply shrugged, not knowing how to put into words what she felt. It was comforting enough just having Loki next to her as she worried her nail between her teeth.

It didn’t take long for the food to arrive. Tony carried the large bags into the kitchen where he found Hotaru and Loki sitting next to each other still at the bar. Loki was leaned over into her space as she showed him something on the screen.

Because her attention was on what she was doing, Hotaru didn’t see the falter in her brother’s step upon the sight however Loki could hear the slight hitch in his footfalls and smiled to himself. He was getting under Stark’s skin already and he had hardly been trying this day. Served him right for keeping a God captive in such a manner.

“Told you I’d be down with lunch!” Tony called as he drew near. “Sorry to break up the cuddle fest but I’ve got a lunch date with Taru. The other’s can have what we don’t eat, Lil Bit.” His attention flicked from Loki to her as he spoke.

‘Do you wish to join us?’ Hotaru wrote out on her notebook after closing down the laptop while Tony set down the bags and unpacked the food, reading the note from a distance as it was turned to Loki.

“I don’t believe Stark is inviting me, Dear Heart.” Loki smiled down at her as he stood.

‘I’m sure it’s-’ Loki’s large hand on hers stopped her writing and Tony stiffened behind the counter. He didn’t like the way the dark god physically stopped her from finishing her note, even if he really did not wish for Loki to join them.

“I’ve got other business to attend to, worry not. Enjoy your lunch with your Brother, Little One. I’ll see you tonight?” Loki only released her hand as he finished speaking when she nodded at him and graced him with a wide smile as he turned and walked back into the hall.

“You know, he has no business. Loki doesn’t actually do anything.” Tony’s voice was clipped as he plated up the food, providing Hotaru a little bit of everything and dishing out a small bowl of soup.

‘He saved me, that’s something he did.’ Hoatru offered the note which Tony scoffed while reading.

“We saved you. Cap lead the team. It was hardly Loki.” Tony turned and grabbed bottles of water out of the fridge while Hotaru thought about what she would write before deciding to let the topic go.

‘Why do you hate him?’ She wrote instead.

“I don’t hate Loki.” Tony replied, leaning against the counter and picking up the fork. “The food is great. Eat up Lil Bit.”

When Hotaru just sat with her eyebrow raised Tony sighed.

“Fine. Yes, I hate him. Now will you eat?” Hotaru took a bite as she underlined the word ‘why’ on her prior note.

“He tried to take over the world. People died, Hotaru. I nearly died. He’s not a good guy.” Tony finally spat out.

Hotaru didn’t know what to do with the information. For a while the ate in silence as the wheels turned. If Loki wasn’t a good person, that would explain why he was in chains, why the others treated him differently.

But if he was guilty of the crimes Tony spoke of, why was he allowed to walk free? Was she safe with him? Would he hurt her? He’d never scared her before. She couldn’t believe he was a bad person. There had to be more to the story.

Some would say she was a bad person herself. Loki had killed people but so had she. Tony didn’t know that. Hotaru had never written her story down for them and she wasn’t sure she ever would. But she knew.

She remembered. Sometimes when captives got sick, old or injured beyond their worth they needed to be killed. Sometimes captives had babies who needed to be disposed of. Sometimes those babies made it to term. Sometimes those babies didn’t die during birth. Never would she forget how small those babies were in her hands, or how easy they were to break. It was a mercy, really. If the captives did the dead, their keepers wouldn’t. The keepers were so much worse, they seemed to enjoy the acts of pain and violence. It was better if it was quick.

Yet still, she had taken lives. Blood still was on her hands. Did she deserve freedom?

Hotaru had done some horrible things. She knew that. If she told Tony the things she had done, would he hate her much like he hated Loki? The things she had done however she only did because she had no choice. Maybe there was more to the story of Loki, King of Jotunheim and Prince of Asgard than Tony knew. Maybe he had a reason much like her.

While she ate the cord around her throat came free but her hand quickly tucked the end back under the wrappings, securing it into place.

“That’s cute.” Tony offered as he watched her. “Strange gave those to you?”

Hotaru nodded and tucked back into her food. Most of it was good, though the soup was her favorite. It was thick and warm with floating thin sheets of egg suspended in the broth.

“Just, be careful trusting Loki, okay?” Tony put his plate in the sink and faced her again, grabbing her hands in his. He was silent for a few long minutes as he counted the scars shimmering up her arms and over her shoulders. She was covered in them.

“I- He nearly killed me. Thor says he is better now or some shit. Turned over a new leaf I guess. I just- I don’t know if I believe him. I don’t.” Hotaru held her brother’s hand as he spoke, unsure as to what else she should do.

“Do you trust him?” Tony asked not looking up from their hands.

‘I have no reason not to’ Hotaru wrote after a moment.

“I’ve just given you a reason Hotaru. He tried to take over the world!” Tony Snapped at her. When she flinched away from his outburst, he hated himself for it. Yet he remained silent as she put her pen to paper again.

‘I don’t know’ for a moment she hesitated, unsure how to finish her thought. ‘The world I knew before coming here. Maybe if he had won, it would have been better for me. I don’t know.’ Tony opened his mouth to say something but her pen kept moving and so he swallowed the words. ‘I just know pain. I know sleeping on the floor. I know that sometimes it’s better to do something horrible to escape pain. What I don’t know is how to live this life where no one hurts me, where people say I’m safe yet I’m still scared all the time just the same.

So yes, I trust Loki because he hasn’t given me a reason not to. Just like the rest of your friends. He talks to me, he spends time with me. I like him.’ Hotaru squeezed Tony’s hand one last time before collecting her laptop and retreating into her room. While she wrote, she could feel the cloth coming free around her neck and didn’t want to risk something being seen when fixing it.

Tony was left alone in the kitchen. At some point he sat down, the seat still warm from Hotaru. Silence ticked on as Tony thought, eyes focused on the counter where her laptop had sat not long ago after re-reading the note in her abandoned notebook. They flicked up only when he caught movement in the kitchen.

“Stark.” Loki greeted flatly, reaching into cabinet for a mug and set the kettle on the stove. He didn’t really want the tea, nor was he hungry. It was simple curiosity that drew him back into the kitchen.

“What’s your goal, Reindeer Games?” Tony’s whole body went tense as he addresses the other man but he quickly forced himself to try to relax. Yet, the arch of his spine never fully relaxed, his body still tensed, ready to fight.

“Tea. Perhaps with a dash of honey. No milk however.” Loki was quick to answer, his voice light.

“What is your goal, dammit.” Tony repeated with a touch more force.

“It is the Little Firefly that you speak of. Why, Stark, my goal is the same as everyone else’s. I wish to see her recover.” Loki’s words were drown out by Tony’s voice.

“Don’t call her that!” He shouted.

In her room, Hotaru flinched at the sound and debated going back into the kitchen but ultimately decided against it. Whatever was going on out there, if she interrupted she could be punished. Maybe. After considering for a moment, she silently made her way out of her room. She had forgotten her notebook and it felt odd being without it. It had become a part of her. It made sense, it was in so many ways her voice.

“Call her what?” Loki paused for a moment, discarding the spent tea leaves and glancing down at the still open notebook on the counter, reading through the text quickly. “Oh, you wish me not to call her ‘firefly’? Yet that is her name at the very heart of it. I was under the impression that you favored pet names.”

“You don’t get to call her by nicknames, pet names. Nothing.” Tony insisted, slamming his fist down.

It was only then that he noticed her. The pale of her skin, the shine in her eyes held wide with fear. In some ways, it was more startling to see her like this now then the very day she was found. The fear looked natural on her then, when she was covered in dirt and grim.

Now? Now it was a startling sight for Tony Stark. The fear didn’t belong on her face, in her eyes. Not now. Not here. Not in the hall. Not in his tower. Not in his home. Not in her home.

Yet it was here and he was the very man to put it there.

“Hotaru?” His voice was strangled in his throat as she stood rooted in place.

“I do believe you’ve scared the Little Firefly.” Loki taunted as he rose to his feet.

“Hotaru.” Tony repeated her name, unsure as to what to say. He wished she could yell at him. Scream at him. Tell him what she was thinking. Speak to him. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She shook her head and backed away a step. Oh how she wished she had her notebook but she forgot to grab it and so it sat abandoned between the two men. Tony stood and Hotaru wasn’t sure if she wanted to get closer to him. He was angry. It was never good when her keepers were angry. Had her luck finally ran out?

Rather than risk the answer, she took another step back. Hotaru kept her eyes trained on Tony as he stood. All it took was one step in her direction for her turn turn on her heel and run. If not for Jarvis controlling the doors, her’s would have slammed behind her.

“Hotaru!” Tony called behind her yet she did not even so much as hesitate.

“I think you’ve done enough Stark.” Loki warned as the man rushed to the end of the kitchen area.

“This is your fault!” Tony roared at Loki.

“I’m not the one yelling.” Loki collected the notebook at pen off the counter. “Regardless of your mistrust, Stark, I’ll take this to her. You’ve already scared her enough for one day, wouldn’t you say?”

“I’m not going to let you hurt her.” Tony warned.

“I hold no intentions of hurting her. While you think me a monster and to many I am, she is safe from me. I’ll cause her no harm, of that you have my word.” With a bow, Loki slowly made his way toward the hall.

“And what is your word worth, exactly?” Tony called to the God’s back, torn between wanting to go after his sister and chasing a bottle of scotch.

“However much I wish it to be.” Loki did not turn as he spoke, letting his long legs take him calmly into the hall.

“Brother.” Thor greeted, having been caught eavesdropping on the situation.

The large man wasn’t trying to go unnoticed yet when the shouting drew him from his room he didn’t interfere. It was good, a much needed chance for Tony and his brother to clear the air. Without old hurts being buried, Tony would never truly take Loki on as a member of the team. With Asgard still hesitant to trust Loki, here was the best place for him, a place where he could work off his crimes and learn to respect the people he sought to dominate.

“Where is she?” Greetings were not needed.

“Lady Hotaru went into her room. She looked upset. Loki, what did you do?” Thor grabbed his brother by the elbow as he moved to push passed.

“I’ve done nothing. It was Stark who did the yelling as you well know, Brother.” With a yank, Loki was able to free his arm.

“Yet it is you that goes to her?” Thor observed. “Brother, you care for her.”

“No more than the rest of you lot now leave me in peace.” Loki snapped while keeping his volume under control. With one last pointed look, Thor retreated into the living space where he was presumably going to try and smooth things over with Stark.

“Little Firefly?” Loki called after a light knock. “I’m coming in, Dear Heart.”

Hotaru was sitting on the ground in the corner of the room. Loki almost didn’t see her, having expected to find her sitting on her bed or perhaps maybe at her desk. Somewhere normal.

Long legs carried him to her after closing the door behind him. Each step was slow and measured. He moved with a calm grace as he watched her clutching her knees. Slowly, he knelt in front of her and they sat in silence for a moment.

“I’ve brought you this.” Finally Loki spoke, holding out the notebook, page open where she had written in his defense. She flinched back from him slightly at first, unsure how he would take the words written about him. Surely he read it.

“Now you know.” Loki spoke softly as she took the notebook from him. “I’m a monster who should be in chains. Yet you spoke in my defense, why?”

All Hotaru could do was point to the words she had written before, hoping that he would understand, that he would read the unwritten words. ‘I know that sometimes it’s better to do something horrible to escape pain.’

“And if I did those things of my own free will?” Loki’s voice was tight, guarded. This wasn’t the conversation he intended to have.

‘Did you?’ She wrote with her fingers on his thigh. In hindsight, she should have considered if he would feel the action well enough through the fabric of his slacks.

“I did not.” Finally he said it. Finally he admitted it. “But they do not know that. None of them do.”

Hotaru smiled softly at him and Loki tried to remember why he had come after her. Right, it was to show Stark that she trusted him more. With the notebook returned, he had no reason to stay in that room with her. But he wanted to. He should. It would make Stark squirm. It was a good move for the game. Yes, that was why he wanted to stay.

Hotaru watched as Loki relaxed after admitting to her his secret. Somehow, she had seen through him and trusted him. Tony’s yelling, his anger and rage had frightened her but having Loki with her now soothed her. She relaxed just the same before leaning forward and throwing her arms around Loki’s neck.

It caught him off guard and he flinched back, landing on his rear with her nestled between his outstretched legs but as she nuzzled into the space between his neck and shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her just the same. In a moment of weakness, he dropped his head to her shoulder and took in the smell of her shampoo, floral, light and pure. Perfect.

‘I’m sorry about tony.’ she wrote on his chest with a fingertip after allowing one arm to slide down, still holding herself to him with the other.

“He is not your problem, Little One.” Loki picked her up and shifted so as to be sitting in the corner she had occupied with her sitting in between his legs, back resting against one and legs draped over the other and still leaning against his chest. The steady beating of his heart filled her ears as she wondered about him.

‘Tell me about you?’ Hotaru wrote on his chest drawing his eyes down to her.

“What more needs to be said?” Loki tried to scoff.

‘You’re not human.’ Hotaru offered. ‘Your skin is chilled.’

“You speak true.” He agreed.

‘People here are not normal’ The feel of her warm fingers tracing letters over his chest lulled him into a more relaxed state. One where he didn’t question why he was holding her, really holding her for the first time while she was awake.

“They will keep you safe.” Loki offered.

‘Will you?’ The question burned on his skin as he looked away from her.

“Yes.” The admission felt heavy, yet she simply smiled lightly up at him.

He fell into a comfortable silence after speaking the single word, knowing it was true. In the end, while he couldn’t explain it, he would protect her. It was the least he could do for her for using her as a pawn in his game. She would not be collateral damage.

Hotaru was content as she sat, feeling the rise and fall of his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. The coolness radiating off of him was unique yet easily mistakable for a lingering chill, as if he had just come in from the cold.

So what, he had sinned in the past. Who was she to judge? So what if Tony didn’t trust him. She did. Thoughts of trust flitted through her mind as her eyes closed slowly, lulled into a light doze by the soft music of Loki’s very existence.


	10. Chapter 10

“Jarvis, dim the lights.” Loki commanded, not wishing to wake the small girl in his arms but still at the sound of his voice Hotaru nuzzled his neck. He couldn’t say how long he’d been sitting there before realizing she fell asleep but knew it wasn’t very long at all for her to begin to wake so easily.

‘You don’t have to stay’ Slowly her fingers traced the words. She was so comfortable, all that was missing was a blanket to perfectly balance the cool with warmth. She could sleep well like this, truly well, she thought, for the first time in years. How she hoped he would stay just a little longer.

“I’ve got nowhere else to be.” Had Tony been watching the room? Did he know that he hadn’t left it yet? Did it matter to Loki anymore? It did, it had to. It was a game. Just a game.

‘Do you hate Tony?’ The question caught Loki off guard, he had assumed she had drifted off again. The movement of her fingers was slow, relaxed and without looking down he could tell she was dancing on the edge of sleep still.

“No.” Loki answered honestly. There were few in the universe he actually hated, if he was to be honest. And tonight he seemed to not be able to lie to her. Maybe it was that she was easy to talk to, she was a silent listener. He would never have to hear the judgment in her voice.

“Little one?” When she glanced up at him, he placed a sure finger under her chin. “Why can you not speak?” Loki’s mind screamed at him, a clear counter to the soft velvet of his voice. It was a mistake to push, it would drive her from him. It would cause her to shut him out. She would hate him. He had no right to know. It didn’t matter anyway, not for his game.

Blue eyes watched as she chewed on her lip, unable to look down and hide the action from him thanks to the firm placement of his fingers. She glanced away from him, eyes darting to the wall, his neck, shoulders, chest, hair, anywhere but his eyes, those piercing blue eyes. Loki was sure she wasn’t going to answer and finally dropped his hand. It didn’t matter. He didn’t need to know, not for his game. It was stupid to ask.

“You need not tell me.” With her jaw freed, she looked down and debated what to do as Loki spoke, his voice slightly harder than before. When she scooted back, sitting on her knees between his legs he was sure he had miscalculated. No part of her touched him any longer and he found himself craving her warmth. It was an almost physical need that was driving him to reach out to her again, gather her back into his lap. Yet he did not.

Trembling fingers reached up to the cloths strips around her neck and for a short moment she hesitated. Tears shone in her eyes as they met his.

“You can trust me, Hotaru.” Her heart clenched at hearing him say her name.

Nearly always, he would refer to her with a pet name. Never before could she recall him uttering her actual name. It sounded foreign on his lips yet held a sweetness. It was as if her very name was something blessed to him, that he would not use it except in the most intimate settings. It was something just for her ears, the sound of her name off his lips.

With a deep breath she pulled the end of the cloth free and felt the fabric strips loosen, ends falling around her neck. The trembling in her fingers made it slow work to unwind the strips, or maybe it was just that she was hesitating with every layer of fabric removed.

Finally, she closed her eyes as she unwound the last few passes. Hotaru didn’t want to see him, to look at him when he saw her. She was incomplete. If she ever found a man to love her, she could never tell him. If she ever had children of her own, she could never speak their names. Never would she sing them to sleep. Never would she read them a story.

Without moving, she sat and waited, eyes held closed. Eventually, she would hear his disgust. Maybe in the form of a grunt. He would get up, careful not to touch her and leave her alone. They always did when they saw. When they realized she wasn’t just a perfectly silent slave. When they realized she had been punished with silence.

To have one’s voice taken was a terrible thing. It meant she did not listen. She couldn’t listen. Wouldn’t listen. It meant that she talked too much. About the things going on around her. She asked questions. She talked back. She didn’t know her place. She didn’t know to keep silent. She would not keep silent.

Cool fingers softly touched the skin around the scar. It was a deep and ugly thing. Loki had seen scars like it in the past but never this bad. Never had he seen the remnants of a devoicing being done so poorly. It had to have been painful, of that there was no doubt.

But he had seen it done before. The universe was a massive place. Not all peoples treated others with as much kindness and goodwill as was found within the nine realms he called home. Yet, such horrors happened even here, on Midgard where it shouldn’t happen at all. He was coming to realize over the last few years that all realms, all worlds had their secrets and their rats that haunted the sewers.

Why it would have been performed so poorly was beyond him. An armature with a textbook would have been able to do a cleaner job, even with a dull knife. Softly, he ran his fingers over the scared flesh as he thought.

“You were awake.” The words were a breath on his lips. He knew pain, he knew torture. The fear and pain that this procedure would have caused was incredible for a human to survive. She nodded softly.

“You struggled.” With brows pinched together, Loki looked up at her from where he sat leaned forward. Again she nodded and finally she opened her eyes. Gray met blue.

“Your nightmare?” She nodded. “I will keep you safe.” Why he had felt the urge to declare that yet again to her, he couldn’t fathom but the words had left his mouth before he could stop them.

“I could hide that for you, if you wish? Cast an illusion over it.” She shrugged at the offer. Having something around her neck had become a bit of a security blanket. She didn’t want to be without the pressure but didn’t understand the feelings she had well enough to explain it to him.

“Very well. They’ll not judge you, should you wish to tell them.” Loki offered softly. He was earning more of her trust, building bonds with her that would be beneficial in his game.

At least, that’s what he told himself when the question of ‘why’ ran through his head. After All, they had sat for hours alone in her room. He allowed her to sleep in his arms, resting against his chest. It was just for the game. It was just a game.

She shrugged again and gathered the strips of fabric only to have his large hand stop her. It was easy to do, his hands were long and strong. She looked up at him and tilted her head in a silent question.

“You need not hide it with me, should you wish.” Firmly he spoke. Each word clear and she nodded. “You should get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning, Little One.”

Loki retreated suddenly. It had hit him like a wall of bricks. He felt exposed with her. She simply accepted him. She simply smiled at him. His heart beat wildly at the sudden thought and Loki had to remind himself that it was just a game.

She couldn’t care about him. She wouldn’t. Just because she said she accepted him now, didn’t mean she would always. Would she, when she found out what he was? When Tony showed her the recordings from that day so long ago? She wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Never would.

Yet he would protect her. His mother would have liked her. That was why he was drawn to her. Or so he told himself as such. As he made his way out into the hall, Thor nodded knowingly at him. The thought of returning the nod with an indecent gesture crossed his mind but Loki pushed it aside. It wouldn’t do to act childish and so he simply ignored his brother.

Hotaru watched as the door closed behind Loki, wondering what she had done. The fresh air felt good on her neck and so for a moment she didn’t reach for the strips of cloth while she changed into her night clothes. When she went back for them, she couldn’t find them.

Where had they gone? It didn’t matter, she had some ribbon she could use in a pinch. What she didn’t realize was that they were tucked into Loki’s pocket and that he had no intention of giving them back.

With silky smooth ribbon set out on her desk, she slipped into the bed. Even now, the soft feeling of the sheets was surprising. Every night she went to sleep praying that she would wake in the same room. Every night she feared that she would wake in a cell, on a cold hard floor. Every night she hoped that when morning come, she wouldn’t find her new life to be but a dream.

Loki sat in the plush armchair in his dimly lit room. A single candle was the only source of light with the curtains pulled tight. He could simply turn on the light but it was oddly comforting to be sitting like this. It reminded him of a simpler time, long ago before his life went crazy. Maybe it was better to say, ‘before he went crazy’? Loki decided it didn’t matter as he ran the cloth strips through his fingers, letting his mind get lost.

 

Morning came and Hotaru was pleased to be able to report she had actually slept something resembling well. While she couldn’t say her sleep was peaceful or that she wasn’t visited by demons from the past, she didn’t spend much time sitting up, willing her breathing to calm and her pulse to slow.

While she wrapped the silky smooth ribbon around her neck, she wished she could hum. It felt like a humming sort of morning. Looking at herself in the mirror, the hollows of her face had started to fill in and she softly ran her fingers over her cheeks, down her neck and along the rise of her clavicle. Everything about her was still harsh lines, but they had began to soften.

Her mind kept going back to the night before as she tied the ribbon in a soft bow. Loki saw and he did not shove her away. Maybe if the others knew, they wouldn’t send her away too? Maybe she could stay here. Stay with them. Maybe this could be home.

Hotaru heaved a sigh as she finally stood. The bow looked cute, large and delicate with the ribbon tails hanging down in front of her. It was purple, matching her top and it made her smile. She looked normal. No collar, no ratty stained dress, no matted hair, no bandages. The woman looking back at her in the mirror could be almost anyone. That made her happy.

Tony fidgeted in the kitchen. First, he had tried to make breakfast and well, that didn’t go well. The smell of burning batter sent Clint fleeing dramatically with just a whole pot of coffee to call ‘breakfast’ and a sudden need to run errands somewhere far away from the kitchen.

The others made similar excuses to leave the room. It was wholly over dramatic in a way that Tony Stark could appreciate if not for the fact that he was the cause of it. The vent system was able to clear the smoke and smell quickly and such scattering was not needed.

Tony had a feeling they were fleeing to go out for a proper diner breakfast. He couldn’t judge them, he did decide to order in and have the same delivered for him and Hotaru, with extras for who ever failed to flee the tower. Their abandoning of the living space hinted that they knew about his run in with Loki the night prior.

It wasn’t surprising. Thor had been in the hall listening in for some time, it turned out. The only reason Tony knew that was because he had replayed the footage of the whole event over and over. The large god had a way of always being near his brother, always trying to watch out for the smaller while his efforts were often rejected.

Thor was a kind man and a good friend. However, his understanding of Midgardian life was minimal at best, though he was beginning to grasp many things with time. The fragility of relationships between people on Midgard seemed to be one of the greatest puzzles for him. In an effort to understand or maybe to brag that his dear brother was growing close to another person, he likely had recounted the events to the others already. Or so Tony assumed, how right he was he would never know unless they confronted him on what was said. Tony wouldn’t ask.

Hotaru was just coming out of her room with her laptop and notebook tucked under her arm when the ding of the elevator sounded and a employee entered carrying take out bags. Tony greeted the poor man and took the bags as if they weighted nothing so that the man wouldn’t fret, sending him off wave and bid to have a good day.

“Good morning, Lil Bit!” Tony called upon seeing her, a smile lighting up his face. For once he didn’t have a headache splitting his head nor was he battling to regain hydration from a night of drinking. He still clutched coffee for dear life as he had hardly slept the night before but he was determined to do better for her.

Hotaru waved as she came to sit at the bar. There was a perfectly good dining table behind her yet no one ever seemed to sit at it unless the bar was already taken.

“We’ve been abandoned by at least most of the crew today, can you believe that? Ditched. That’s okay, Starks are too cool to hang with them.” Tony commented as he pulled out food. “Jarvis, anyone else home?”

“Sir, Mr Odinsons both are in their rooms however the rest of the team has left the building.” The voice from nowhere and everywhere spoke.

‘Will I ever meet Jarvis?’ Hotaru passed a paper to Tony.

“You don’t remember do you?” Tony asked, continuing when she shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Jay, don’t be rude- Introduce yourself.”

“It would be my pleasure, Sir. I am Jarvis, an artificial intelligence tasked with maintaining the tower and all of Sir’s personal tech systems. I’m also personally maintaining your laptop, Miss Stark. As of today, you can use the Chat feature to call on me just as the other’s summon me with voice commands.” Hotaru cocked her head to the side as the voice spoke.

‘Jarvis isn’t real?’ She wrote.

“Define real?” Jarvis answered, shocking her. “I am a highly advanced system. You may also address me by name in common spaces with your notebook. As long as my cameras can clearly view the words, I’ll be able to respond.”

Hotaru nodded, lost in thought. All this time she thought Jarvis was a person and it was hard to say if the truth was more or less impressive than a ever talented human running the show.

‘Did you make him?’ Hotaru played with her food a bit. After having been so painfully ill, she had begun to worry about overeating. She didn’t want to be in pain again. When Bruce had called Dr. Strange the next day, she had been told she could eat as little as she wanted and that she didn’t have to force herself to finish just so long as she was eating.

“Yep. I’ve been playing with different AIs for years. Jarvis is one of many. I keep the problem children locked up in the lab.” Tony laughed as she cocked an eyebrow at him. They sat in silence for a bit before Tony came around and sat next to her, taking a hand in his with a heavy sigh.

“Hotaru, I’m a mess but I am trying. I’m going to do better. I want to do better. I just need you to know that.” Tony sighed again and pushed the desire for a glass of scotch away. “Loki’s a member of the team and I’ll try to do better because he seems to matter to you. Just know he’s not a free man. He can’t leave the tower outside of chains. But if you want to trust him, I’ll try for you.”

Hotaru smiled at her brother. With what she knew now it made sense why he was held in chains in the aircraft. It made sense to her why they didn’t trust him. But the fact that Tony was willing to try for her made her heart happy, though she couldn’t say why. Regardless, she threw her arms around her brother and held him tight.

Tony held her in his strong arms and nuzzled into her neck. She was so small, against him. So goddamn small. Somehow, he would get her to talk to him. In time, she would heal and move on. In time she would find her voice again. He had been reading up on those who had gone mute due to trauma. It often just took time.

The silk of the ribbon felt good against his cheek and he couldn’t help nuzzling it again. Hotaru smiled at the action and her body shook with the silent laughter that always amazed Tony in her dedication to silence.

It confused him when all of a sudden she tensed in his arms, causing him to pull back. Hotaru wore a look of sheer panic as she grabbed at the ribbon around her neck but it was too late. The end had gotten caught on the zipper of his jacket and her bow fell free when he pulled back.

The ribbon was so silky, so soft that it unwound with no effort at all, falling to drape around her shoulders as she clutched her hand against her neck. Natasha had given her the ribbon for her hair but the silky fabric came free so easily she had never used it. It coming free from around her neck was something she should have expected.

She was so dumb. So stupid. She should have thought more. Tears welled in her eyes as she looked everywhere but at Tony.

“Hey, I can redo the bow for you. It’s no big deal, no reason for tears.” Tony softly grabbed the end of the ribbon and slipped what he could free. Her hand went slack, allowing the smooth fabric to glide out of her hand.

“Come on, move your hand and I’ll fix it for you. No big deal.” Tony smiled as he put his own hand over hers and softly pushed them down. He always tried to avoid giving orders, bossing her around but he wasn’t very good at it. Bossy was his nature.

It was only the pressure of his hand on hers that drew her hands down. Still, her shoulders dropped. Right before his eyes, she changed back to that small girl they had found. Face and eyes pointed at the ground, she looked timid.

“Hotaru? Hey, look at me, would ya? What’s wrong?” When she didn’t move, he gently squeezed her hand as he leaned down, peeking up at her from under her bangs. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

She peeked up at him then and he could just begin to see it. It was a ragged and deep hollow in her neck. It was red and ghastly. All around her neck were scars from the collars but this, this was decidedly not caused by a collar. It was different and unique and the sight of it made him swallow thickly.

He was not prepared for this. She wasn’t going to just wake up and talk. It wasn’t something she was going to snap out of. His fingers trembled as he reached out and softly brushed against the mutilated flesh.

“Strange didn’t mention this in the report.” It was dumb, but that was the best thing he could think to say. Tony had read the report a few times over now and it always made him sick, made him want to reach for a bottle and even now, even while he was trying to do better sometimes he did.

“Did he know?” Strange had to have known. He would have seen it. “Why wasn’t it in the report?”

Hotaru nodded and clutched her hands back to her neck before Tony again urged them down. Neither of them heard the sound of the elevator ding, if that even was how he had come into the room.

“She wanted me to omit it. It was her story to tell.” The warm deep voice almost echoed through the space as Stephen Strange stepped up to them. He commanded power and authority in his robes and cloak, yet Hotaru was glad to see him just the same.

“You should have told us.” Tony argued, only to be ignored.

“I’ve come to check up on you, Hotaru.” Doctor Strange addressed her, pulling up and to the left, then right with a pressure on her chin with his shaking fingers. It occurred to her, he was broken just as she was. A part of him didn’t work right. Maybe that was why she had trusted him so fast.

“It looks like everything has healed over well. The redness will fade in time.” He murmured. “And how have you been feeling? Any other incidents?”

Hotaru offered him a smile and a thumbs up in a way to report that she was feeling well. Doctor Strange’s eyes flicked up to Loki when he entered the room and Tony tensed while the Asgardian God simply set about to making two mugs of tea.

“I see you’ve told them your secrete, Little One.” Loki commented offhandedly as he prepped two tea balls.

“You knew?” It hurt that he was the third to know. She was his sister, he should have known.

“I’ve suspected for a while that there was a physical reason for her silence. A simple mute isn’t typically so perfectly silent.” It was played off as a simple observation as Loki poured the hot water over the tea balls into the mugs. He didn’t need to point out that he had been puzzling over the problem for a good while before finally having confirmation.

“And you just figured it out? Easy as that?” Tony snapped and Hotaru flinched. The Doctor’s cloak seemed to move toward her as if by a unfelt breeze and she couldn’t help but to grab onto the hem, feeling the heavy fabric between her fingers.

“In part.” Loki poured a touch of honey into both mugs and set one in front of the small girl before continuing with a shrug. “I had a theory and I simply asked her to verify and she showed me.”

Hotaru smiled softly as she took the mug into her hands. The warmth seeped into her fingers.

“I’d like to get a weight for you today.” Strange decided to move the topic back to business. This was not a social call, he had no desire to get sucked into the world that was the Avengers when he had his own problems.

After a full check up, Hotaru was given a clean bill of health. Examining her was easier for Doctor Strange this time as she was more willing to accommodate his requests. Everything seemed to heal up well, though some areas were still sore to the touch and would likely remain so for a while yet.

Hotaru had gained weight, a small handful of pounds and that was pleasing to the Doctor. It was explained to her that she did need to gain more weight and slowly increase activity, perhaps walking would be a good start, but that she was gaining the weight already at a healthy pace. It wouldn’t do to gain too much too fast or to gain a lot of fat while not building any muscle. The goal was a balance.

They talked about her mind and her mental state some. The idea of a therapist was floated but she wrote that she wasn’t ready. She would talk to the others when she was ready and if she wanted to talk to a stranger first, she would ask for one. If she actually would when the time came down to it, neither were truly sure but it was good enough for now.

In every sense of the word, she was healing. Yet it made Strange smile how she had still reached out to his cloak, wanting to touch it often. The cloak seemed to enjoy the attention, subtly accommodating her. Figuratively speaking, it seemed to have a heart, making Doctor Strange again wonder about the nature of the relic. It would be something to look into eventually.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Now that we are caught up with what has been posted on Tumblr, you can expect updates on Fridays. I thrive, exist and am powered by feedback. I welcome and encourage anyone and everyone to talk to me, should they wish. The plot is beginning to move forward now- I'd say we are probably about half way done with this story. Anyway, I'll shut up so you can get on with the reading.

     The next morning it was oddly deserted in the living space. Hotaru was left to pour cereal into a bowl with milk since Clint was no where to be found, breakfast had not been made. It was odd, picking her own breakfast, let alone making it herself. She hoped that she hadn't picked a cereal reserved for someone else but nothing had names on it. Oh how she didn't want to offed or disobey, even now.

     But what else could she do with no one around? She had checked her laptop's IM program and it showed no green circles, with the exception of herself and Jarvis. It was another thirty minutes before she settled on asking Jarvis where everyone was.

     “Assuming by everyone, you mean the residents- The team is currently in briefing at the moment, Miss. Stark.” The program responded to her enquirer verbally, even though she had asked via test.

     'Briefing for what?' Hotaru was confused, never had she been left entirely alone before, not since her first day at least when she had wandered the halls.

     “I do apologize, Miss Stark however that information is classified. Sir should be available shortly.” Jarvis refused to provide any further information.

     With her worries not yet set at ease, Hotaru set about trying to focus on her classwork. It did little good yet she bounced back and forth between her required reading tasks and slowly typing up messages from her notebook. She did enjoy that more than the silly typing program that Tony had had her using. It made her feel less a child, less stupid.

     It wasn't until the afternoon that other signs of life returned to the tower. First it was Clint, grabbing a beer and some chips, waving a quick hello and disappearing again. Steve next came for a water and a sandwich. No one said where they had been and each disappeared just as quickly as they had come. Finally, Tony came and leaned against the counter.

     'Sit?' Hotaru wrote in her notebook.

     “I don't really have time to.” He confessed, not looking at her as she cocked her head. “Look, the team and I- we have to go out and kick some bad guy's asses tonight. We could be gone a few days, okay?”

     'The team?' Hotaru wasn't sure who all “the team” included.

     “All hands on deck this time. But hey, You'll have the whole tower to yourself. You and J can have a party. He'll keep you company and get you anything you need, Right Jarvis?”Tony had a wide smile that seemed fake to her.

     “Yes, Sir. I'll see to all of her needs and yours during the mission.” The voice sounded from the speakers.

     'Loki too?' Hotaru wrote, unsure if he was included in the team. It would be a lie if she said she wasn't scared to be alone.

     “Loki too. I'll make sure to bring him back safe and sound for you, since you like him so damn much.” Tony nudged her with his shoulder.

     “What, Taru has a new favorite?” Clint complained as he made his way into the kitchen, grabbing another beer. “Doc will be sad, second best. I wanted to steal the title of Number one from him. How the hell did Loki foil my plans?”

     'When do you leave?' Hotaru wrote, ignoring the teasing for now.

     “Hour and a half.” Tony could see her tense up at his words. It wasn't much time for a good bye. “We'll be fine. It will be fine.”

     'You'll come back safe?' Hotaru wrote in her notepad.

     “Always.” Tony nodded and offered her a smile before leaving her alone with her thoughts.

     'promise?' she wrote out on the counter with a fingertip. There was no point in wasting paper, she couldn't call him back. What could she do? Nothing, nothing at all. It was a hopeless feeling and she found that she hated it.

     It was Loki she saw next, when he came into the living space with a book and sat on the couch. She quickly went to his side. Loki had expected it, when she settled beside him and glanced over at her as she smiled at him.

     “Good evening, Little Firefly.”

     'Everyone's leaving soon.' Hotaru wrote, tapping the paper with her pen to request his attention again.

     “Just as soon as the others are prepared.” Loki gave her his full attention then.

     'Will it be dangerous?' She asked.

     “Possibly. I've been in worse situations.” It wasn't the whole truth, the situation had the potential to spiral downhill drastically. That was the reason why Shield wanted the whole team to respond.

     'Will you be safe?'

     “This tower houses the fiercest warriors on Midgard. I fraught them all while not at my best and defeated all but one. With me now on their side, you have nothing to fear.” Loki rubbed the back of his hand up her arm as he spoke.

     She didn't need to know that the threats the team faced where getting stronger all the while. She didn't need to know that threats came from all over the universe. She didn't need to know that they didn't even know where some of the threats came. She was pure.

     Maybe that's why while everyone was concerned, each team member plastered on a smile and a nonchalant air when they gathered in the living space. Clint told her how they did this sort of thing all the time and not to worry so much. Natasha spoke of teaching her how to dance when they got back, because every lady needed to know how to dance. Steve and Bucky both offered her smiles and reassurances, though she didn't know them well enough. Even Sam made a point of telling her not to worry her pretty head.

     Tony stood tall and like the others and like the others, he had a hard time holding her gaze long. Most everyone would meet her eyes and look away, seemingly needing to fix some straps or retie their shoes. Hotaru wasn't dumb, she knew there was more going on. In her pocket, she had scraps of paper for everyone. It sucked, not being able to say her 'good bye's at the time like a normal person but it was nice to be able to give those who she loved a special note.

     Hotaru went down the line, hugging each of them and slipping a folded piece of paper with each person's name on it into their hands. For those she didn't know well, it was a simple message wishing them good luck, bidding them to stay safe, take care of each other and come home soon so she can get to know them better. But for those who she did know, the message was different and yet still very much the same. She told each person that she loved them in her own way.

     Loki said the mission was nothing to worry about. Hotaru however knew the fragility of human life, she had seen so many die. Young, hold, sick, healthy- everyone died. It did no good to get attached because they always left. But now? Hotaru made a mistake. She got attached to these people, to her brother, to the very idea of having even something resembling a normal life. Should they die, she didn't want to have not told them what they mean to her.

     Everyone watched as she made her way down the line, giving hugs and slipping papers into hands. No one dared read their paper yet. The room tensed for a moment as she hugged Loki close as he took the paper from her hand. As she pulled back, she dragged her hands over him before letting her hand rest over his heart. It was something he had become used to, something she always did with him before writing out a special message for him and this time was no different. For him, she almost always wrote her messages above his heart.

     'Come back to me?' Hotaru only did this with Loki. In the past when she tired to write on many of the others, letters got lost when she would move too fast or they would confuse letters. If she went slow enough, some could understand like Strange, Clint and Nat but with Loki it felt natural.

     “I swear to it.” Loki plucked her hand from where it settled back on his chest. As he brought her knuckles to his lips, he bowed elegantly over her hand. He could feel the heat radiating off of Tony at his actions yet even Thor knew he was perfectly gentlemanly and acting well within what was expected of his standing.

     When Loki released her hand she moved to the last in line, Thor. His large frame seemed to surround her as he hugged her tightly. It surprised her, she hadn't been particularly close to Thor, the man seemed to always be awkward around her but in the last few days he had begun to relax. He had been better at minding his volume and holding himself as reserved as he could. Everything he did around her was measured and toned down, allowing her time to get used to him and his boisterous ways.

     “Thank you for giving him space in your heart.” Thor whispered in her ear as he lifted her feet up off the ground. He could feel her body shake with laughter that never reached his ears just as well as he could feel the heat from her blush with her head tucked into his shoulder. Her silence mystified him even now.

     When she finally stepped back, she grabbed her notebook and followed them out to the flight deck. As she watched them walk away, she held up her notebook where she had written 'stay safe' again in thick marker for them to see when they turned and waved at her. She stood like that until the quinjet was safely in the air and out of sight before she allowed the few tears she held back to slip free.

* * *

 

     During the mission, everyone treated their little note as if it were a talisman that would protect them. It was as if they feared should they lose the note wishing them to return safely, they would be unable to do so. Occasionally, people could be spotted running their fingers over the soft words, smiling at the paper.

     It was different, better now, to have a innocent to come back to. Sure, she had been touched by this hell, just as them but she wouldn't be returning to it. They would see to it that never happened. So many lives had been lost, so many people have been failed that some often felt they were fighting a losing battle. Or maybe a never ending battle was more accurate. If they would never win, why keep fighting? She became the reason.

     When the mission got tough, they thought of her. Their little light in the darkness calling them home. When days dragged on, they thought of her and the bright smile that would greet them, saying much more than any spoken word could have. When their bones ached and the muscles screamed, when their minds cried for sleep and their stomachs for food, they thought of her and how she seemed to approach every new food with an innocent curiosity. Oh what new foods would they have her try next?

* * *

 

     Hotaru felt lost when the aircraft disappeared from sight. With everyone gone, she was alone. Truly alone for the first time in her life. With Tony gone, the tower seemed to empty, employees sent home for long weekends and vacations. Surely, if she went lower in the tower, closer to the ground floors she would find other people, rented out office space, corporate workers and gift shops but she didn't want to go down there. Not alone. Not without a way to speak.

     She didn't know if Jarvis worked on the lower floors and in truth, she didn't want to relay on him wholly anyway. It made her feel weak. Really, in truth, she was weak. She had no voice. She had no purpose. No reason. With a firm shake of her head, Hotaru banished those thoughts. Those were bad thoughts, she knew. Those thoughts took her to a dark place. A place she didn't want to go. A place that had begun to call her more and more.

     The first day, Hotaru was diligent in her studies. She wanted Tony to be pleased when he returned. The worry was clear on his face, on all of their faces and studying was all she could think of that would please him when he returned. She ate whatever she fancied that she could make while listening to the random music Jarvis played when she requested.

     In the morning, she woke early to the odd silence that seemed to be everywhere now that the team had left. When she went to dress for the day, she found long thin box sitting in her dresser, on top of her folded shirts. It was wrapped in a dark forest green paper and tied with a simple black ribbon.

     It wasn't there the morning prior when she dressed nor had she remembered seeing it before. With a light grip, she picked up the box after looking around. No one had been in her room after the team had left so it had to have been placed before. Maybe Jarvis would know? Or she could simply open it, maybe there would be a note?

     Softly, she sat on the edge of her bed and untied the ribbon and folded back the paper, uncovering the simple black box. After setting the wrapping aside, she lifted the lid and peeked underneath where inside sat a choker necklace.

     The length was made up of black silk, soft to the touch. Hanging from the underside was two short silver snakes, each exquisitely detailed in spite of their small size. Each snake faced the other and clasped in their jaws in the center was a simple small amber stone that seemed to almost shine from within. It surely had to be a trick of light playing off the cut of the stone but it was breathtaking just the same. All in all, the choker was just wide enough to cover her scar with a proper clasp it would hold securely around her neck. Under the necklace rested a small scrap of paper with a note written in elegant longhand that must have taken years of drilling to perfect.

     'I pray you find this more comfortable. ~ Loki' Was all it said but Hotaru beamed just the same as she clasped it around her neck. It felt good. It was secure. Small fingers traced over the ever so small snakes, really just hardly long enough for their tails to begin curling around the sides of her neck.

     It puzzled her as to where Loki could have gotten something such as this. He wasn't allowed to leave the tower, nor did he ever seem to wish to. He didn't seem to be the type for shopping remotely. Yet he also didn't seem to be the type for gifts at all.

     “Miss Stark, I took the liberty of ordering breakfast. You cannot continue to eat only the junk food stash. The food has been delivered and left in the kitchen.” Jarvis announced from the speaker she had yet to be able to locate in her room.

     Hotaru was thankful the AI thought to order her breakfast. It was something that didn't occur to her the day prior. She happily ate as she spent the morning studying again. Some time after lunch, she asked Jarvis if he had any word from her brother and when they would be returning. Sadly, the computer was unable to offer any assistance beyond confirming that he was still connected with Tony's suit and that all was well.

     Tony called later that night from his suit to wish her a good night. He told her to have Jarvis get her anything and everything she needed. He said he would call her the next night and to keep up on her studies. It was odd, getting a phone call from him when she couldn't speak herself, but he said Jarvis was forwarding a video feed and that he could see her. That made her feel better, even as she wrote out on her notepad what she wanted to say.

     He said things were going well. He said they would be back before she knew it. He said just a little longer. He sounded tired.

     So, she tried to tell herself what he said as they days ticked by. A week dragged on and the calls stopped. He said they would be fine. He sounded tired. She worried. Soon one week became two and Hotaru felt comfortable on her own, asking Jarvis for what she wanted and needed. She studied and worked her way through a good chunk of the History of Asgard.

     She worried. Sleep came in fits, plagued by nightmares that seemed to come more and more often. Perhaps it was the stress. Perhaps it was that without the team, she truly didn't feel safe any longer. She was lonely.

* * *

 

     Loki sat on the ledge of a window, leg draped outside as the team bickered over plans. His eyes were closed and clasped between his fingers was the folded note. He could feel the marks left by the pressure from her writing as he ran his fingers along the smooth paper. Like the others, he had taken to worrying the paper at times, though some like Tony seemed to always be checking that it was safe in his possession.

     Barton was often fidgeting with it, using his note to keep his hands busy. It was a pleasant reprieve from the childish acts of clownishness he was pron too. At least when he ran the paper through his fingers it was nearly silent, unlike when he would ultimately get distracted juggling rocks and they would tumble or such other nonsense.

     Loki sat with his eyes closed, seemingly at peace. He cared little for what plan the others were working on, his insight was not welcome and would be ignored should he have bothered to pay any attention. It was easier to simply await orders and decide his own personal plan of action once the others knew what they would be doing.

     Until then, he would focus his mind elsewhere. Should anyone ask, he wouldn't say where his mind wondered though Thor suspected. His idiot brother was just smart enough to think he knew what was going on. It was less then ideal but the little one wouldn't be harmed. What did his game matter, anyway?

     He could feel shock and aw and smiled softly to himself. She had found it, just as he had expected and it seemed that she approved of his token. It wasn't that he didn't trust Stark's security and computer system to keep his Little Firefly taken care of and safe, just that...well he didn't.

     In reality, Loki could fully appreciate that she would be fine alone in the tower, Tony was in contact with her and Jarvis would be able to obtain anything she needed. It would be an unnecessary distraction however for him to leave it up to question and so he left a wisp of his magic in the stone. It was just the smallest trace, hardly detectable to most but it was enough of a connection for him to feel the wearer, to feel her strongest emotions.

     Loki slipped the paper into a inner pocket in his leather armor, where it would be safe from battle and bloodshed both. If asked, he couldn't honestly say why he held onto the simple scrap of paper. It was just words. Just paper. It didn't matter. Yet it did, so much. For once in his life, he had someone truly waiting on him to return from battle.

     No, she wasn't his lover. He'd had those in passing before, none truly cared if he returned beyond what pleasure and gifts he could offer. His mother always awaited their return, but it was always equal with Thor. Odin would perhaps even have been pleased to have him die in battle, it would solve some issues for him. But Hotaru, she sent him off to battle with words for him alone and her words ran through his mind.

     'Loki, please be safe. I'll be waiting to hear more of Asgard when you come back. I'll be studying and practicing so that I can better read the book with you. I've enjoyed our nights together and I'll miss you while your away. Be strong, stay safe. ~ Your Firefly.'

     Loki had stolen glances at the notes others had received. All the other notes were signed “Taru” or “Hotaru”. Only Loki's was signed differently. It made his heart feel tight and light, an odd feeling that he couldn't say he minded, even if it was one he couldn't pinpoint. His Little Firefly was playing right into his hands. Right as he wanted. As was needed for his game. It was just a game, right?

     Whenever they had downtime, he would focus his mind on that little sliver of power he left in her care to feel her. He didn't need to, not really. The stone was an alarm, set to alert him should she be injured. It was a waste of time and energy to reach out to it, to focus on it and observe it. Yet he did, each and every night. He felt when her heart was troubled by nightmares. He felt her worry as the days passed and Stark was unable to continue keeping contact with her.

     Because Loki spent his nights so focused on reaching out to that sliver of power left behind, he didn't notice the eyes that watched him. Every night Thor watched on with a soft smile, even as his body ached, tired from battle, he smiled. He could just feel it, the tingle of his brother's magic and he could only hope he knew what the Trickster God was up to.

     It was good, for if the Little One softened his heart, Loki could truly heal. Thor would be more then happy to welcome the small girl into their family, to welcome her to Asgard as a princess and return Loki to his standing, should his brother not muck things up.

     Thor's eyes flicked over to Tony, the overprotective and somewhat unstable elder brother. He would take time, but surely he would accept Loki should the small girl pick him to call her's? The Little One wasn't what Loki typically kept on his arm, he favored women who's body and personality screamed sex and seduction, women who he could use and discard, women who would thank him after the fact.

     It would be good for his brother to have something soft and sweet. Someone to soften his heart. Someone to hold him, distract him from the darkness in his mind. Surely, Loki was showing favor for the girl. He checked up on her plenty, he found himself in her company enough to gain the attention of Tony. Yes, this had the potential to be a good thing. It also had the potential to be a true nightmare should his brother muck things up.

     Thor smiled at his brother for a moment longer before closing his eyes to gather what rest he could. Tomorrow they hunted the Cult working with Hydra to summon beasts from another world. God's, these people believed they were summoning but that was to be seen yet. All they knew is more people like the Little One back home were being killed to try and bring these powers into be. Hydra was systematic in their execution of their captives at the slightest sign of trouble.

     So far, each summoning had produced stronger beasts yet the cult seemed ill pleased with their gains. A God to control is what they longed for. They hoped to cut the head off this snake within the next day, before another summoning could take place and put an end to it. Thor hoped that would be the case. Then his brother may return to his Light.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morning, Ladies, Gents, everyone in between and none of the above. I’m here with Chapter 12.  
> Warning: References to past sexual assault and alcoholism rears it's ugly head yet again.

     A man in robes cursed as more cages were brought in. Try as they may, none of the subjects reacted to their efforts just the same as subject 132. She was something special. Truly special. The key had to lay with her. They just needed to figure out what they did so right with her so that they could repeat it. Perhaps it would be easier to just retrieve her?  
     The man paced, face hidden in shadows cast by candlelight. It had to be something about her. Something unique to her. She was the lost daughter of the Stark family, that much they had known long ago. They paid a hefty sum for her, sought her out from her prior master long ago.  
     Hotaru Stark. Oh yes, he knew exactly who he had when she laid eyes on her. It took so much effort to track her down but oh what a offering she would have made. In many ways she was already broken when they got their hands on her yet even then she had a strength.  
     My, the fire in her eyes the first time he demanded to take her to bed. How she fought. It was amazing, how her screams had echoed off the walls. Vincent would dare say he enjoyed her fire more than her body that night. Yet she fought, each and every time he brought her to bed. It didn't break her, like it did the others. Her screams grew tiresome in time.  
     Even now, years long past he could remember the day he took her voice. The medical staff offered to do it, he needed not to bloody his hands but no, he wanted to. He took everything from her and my, the fear in her eyes, the tears, were breathtaking.  
     For a time, he considered keeping her just for himself. A personal toy. He deserved it, did he not? He had dedicated his life to the Gods, seeing to it their power come to be. The partnership with Hydra was the last piece of the puzzle needed to truly get their operation running. Now all that was missing was the perfect offering. In the last few years, he came to realize little 132 could indeed become just what they needed. He wasn't so selfish to keep her for himself. No, the Gods would reward him greatly for giving them her life.  
     Vincent watched passively as a limp woman was dragged from her cell and taken to the altar. This one wasn't perfect, like 132 would have been. This one was too broken. They couldn't seem to get them into that sweet spot, where there was just enough of the subject left to please the Gods but so broken as to still wholeheartedly willingly sacrifice their own lives.  
     Subject 132 would have, with just a little more pushing. Yet they lost her. Vincent wondered as he watched the woman on the altar lift the knife, if they were able to retrieve subject 132, would they be able to use her still. He thought that would very well be the case. Maybe even the best, for what could break one more then a taste of freedom?  
     As the blade plunged into the woman's soft belly, Vincent decided that come heaven or hell, he would have Subject 132 back in his hands, on that alter and she would give her life to the cause. She would be the best. She would bring about the Gods of Destruction.

 

     Hotaru was sitting in the living space rereading the same few lines of text she had been focused on for the last 30 minutes. It had been two weeks since the team had left and she had long since lost any ability to focus. When she would request information from Jarvis, he would simply state that all was well and Sir would be in touch as soon as he was able.  
     Hotaru found herself unable to eat the last few days. They said they would hurry back. They said it would be fine. They didn't make it seem like they would be gone this long. She missed them. No matter how much music she had Jarvis play, no matter what she put on the television, the tower was never loud enough. The silence was deafening.  
When the sound of the quinjet landing reached her, she was up and at the window in a heartbeat. Hotaru chewed at her lip as she tried to decide what they would want her to do. She wanted to greet them, to see them the second they came off the plane but was that what they would want? Would that be too much?  
     Hotaru decided she didn't care and made her way out onto the landing pad just as soon as the doors opened. Tony was one of the first ones off the plane and she caught him off guard as she propelled herself into his chest, wrapping her arms around him and clutching him tight. He was the only family she had and with no word, she had feared that she lost him, lost them all.  
     “Hey, Lil Bit,sorry I missed your calls.” Tony grunted a bit in pain as she squeezed his beat up body yet there was nothing he wanted more in the world then to have her greeting him.  
     'Welcome home' She wrote slowly on his chest before pulling back and gracing him with a bright smile, tears in her eyes. She looked from him to the others, hugging each in turn as they came off the plane.  
     Loki and Thor came out slowly, the last to disembark. Loki was freed of the chains that they held him in while traveling. They had taken the brunt of the damage in battle, seemingly always taking blows that would have been fatal to the others. While Tony was still distrusting of Loki, they all would be hard pressed to deny that the brothers both had saved their lives during the battle at hand more than once.  
     Poor intel paired with a nearly comical amount of bad luck had turned what should have been a easy in and out mission into something that left them all battered and broken. Each creature the Cult summoned seemed to be stronger than the last and still they had no way of identifying the location of the leader or exactly how the creatures were summoned.  
     At least now they had a name. Vincent. It wasn't much to go on but it was progress just the same. It was the Cult's latest summon that nearly ran Loki through with his blade of fire, leaving the god in the state he was in now.  
     Hotaru sucked in a breath when she saw Loki, arm draped over Thor's shoulder, bandages wrapped around his torso. His leather armor was removed, leaving his chest bare under the leather long coat that covered his arms and shoulders, trailing behind his knees. She so badly wanted to hug him but she could see the red tint in the bandages. Loki shoved off of Thor, straightening as best he could when he saw her hesitating.  
     “What, no greeting for me, Little One?” Loki commented, smirk softening the harsher sound to his words.  
     Hotaru hugged him softly, feeling her chest finally relax a bit. It had tightened almost painfully when she saw him, hurt and looking tired, weak almost. She didn't want to let him go. When he wrapped a arm loosely around her waist and held her to his side as he slowly walked into the tower, she didn't fight him. Her cheeks flushed pink, a sinfully delicious sight in Loki's opinion when he nuzzled his face into the top of her head for a brief moment.  
     Why had he done that? He wouldn't even begin to be able to come up with a logical reason. Tony's back was to him, most of the team was walking ahead. Truly, it was only Thor who could bare witness to the small act of affection but such thoughts did not run though his mind in the moment. Later he would try to justify it in his mind but the reality was, he needed to feel her for a short moment.  
     Stomach muscles screamed in pain as they slowly stitched themselves back together. If allowed to rest, he would be recovered within a few weeks time but at the moment everything ached. Regardless, he had done what was needed to stop the blow from hitting the arrogant Tin Can and flattening him like a bug, putting an end to his annoying life.  
     Tony hadn't been able to look Loki in the eye since. It was a most unfortunate thing, building something as useless as sentiment was not his intention. Loki wondered how it would play out with his little game. Would Tony suddenly pass the Little Firefly off without much fight? Surely, that would be no fun.  
     Perhaps Loki had ruined his game. That would be a disappointment, wouldn’t it? Was she worth having if obtaining her didn't grant him any entertainment? Did he truly even want her? Surely not, of what other use was she to him but a way to nettle Stark. She hardly had womanly curves, she was painfully short and she couldn't even sing him his praises. Why in the worlds would anyone want a woman such as she.  
     'Are you okay?' Hotaru hesitantly wrote on Loki's chest, trying to work her fingers over a area that looked almost unscathed.  
     “I am fine, Little One. I but simply need nothing more than a rest.” Okay, maybe a long rest, a good meal and the Asgardian healers, but Loki would take what he could get.  
     'Can I do anything?'  
     “A mug of tea would be magnificent, Dear Heart. I'll change and join you in the kitchen. You can enlighten me with tales of what you've done to entertain yourself in my absence.” It wasn't as if he cared, at all.  
     Loki hadn't spared a thought to what she had been doing with him being away, had he? If such was true, why did he insist on keeping the little note she had sent him away with? Even now it was tucked safely into a small pouch in his trousers. He kept tabs on her while away simply for safety sake. It would be useful to be the first to her aid should she need it. That would nettle Stark, would it not?  
     Hotaru nodded and stepped away when the weight of his arm feel from her waist as they stepped inside. She smiled as the team slowly filtered off to clean themselves up, yet Thor lingered nearby, earning a cock of her head in question.  
     “Lady Stark.” His voice was schooled, soft and unsure, earning a smile from her. “My brother...It would seem he cares for you greatly.”  
     Hotaru shrugged, unsure what to say or even how to say it. She liked Loki plenty, that was clear as day but she lacked the life experiences to know what such a thing even would mean. If Loki cared for her, that made her happy but she had already assumed as much. Why else would he offer to protect her? They all seemed to care for her, Thor included so the reasoning behind pointing out Loki was lost on her. Thor looked around and ran his hand down his face before speaking again.  
     “What I mean to say, My Lady, is that Loki cares for you in a way that I've not seen him care about another in a good number of years. Pray, forgive him when he trespasses for it has been a long time since he's courted a Lady. Yet always know your worth.”  
     Hotaru smiled softly at the large man before he pulled her into a hug. It was warm and safe, enveloping her in a way that no smaller man ever could. His very body seemed to curl around her as he held her to his chest.  
     It was that action, more so than his words that told Hotaru how deeply he cared for his brother. In truth, she didn't fully understand what he was trying to tell her, but she knew he was thankful for her. The warmth of his hug and how he clung to her told her how much he needed her, how he feared she may not be real.  
     When he pulled back and braced his hands on her upper arms, she made a mental note to ask Jarvis perhaps, what it would mean to 'court a lady', as Thor had spoke of. It didn't seem as if Loki was doing anything special with her. They were just spending time together. It wasn't anything grand, they didn't do a whole lot of anything. The intensity of Thor's gaze made her cheeks heat as his large hands finally released her.  
     “I'll leave you to preparing the tea, Lady Stark.” A smile stretched slowly across Hotaru's face as Thor turned to clean up from the battle.  
Each one of them seemed to deflate under the residual weight of the battle just as soon as they passed out of her eyesight and Thor was no different. None wanted her to know just how tired or sore they were. So far, she had not asked where they were or what their missions consisted of. None wanted to be the one to tell her.  
     Hotaru pulled the mugs down and filled tea balls as water heated in the kettle behind her. She wanted to hum as she was set to the task but with a shake of her head she banished the thought. Such thoughts had been coming more and more lately and they never would take her down a good path. Instead, she settled for softly swaying to the music in her head as she waited.  
     “Pretty necklace, Jarvis help you order it?” Tony leaned against the counter next to her. She had been lost in her thoughts, in her mind and hadn't heard him come into the room. When she startled, she nearly knocked a mug off the counter but was able to catch it.  
     With a smile at him, she shook her head and ran her fingers along the length of the choker. Even now, after wearing it daily, it surprised her how soft and comfortable it was.  
     “Wait, let me take a closer look at that.” Tony reached out for her and oh how he hated that even now she flinched back ever so slightly. Would she always flinch away when someone reached out to her?  
     “My, how it looks even more splendid adorning you than I expected.” Nearly instantly, her attention left him and went right to Loki. His dear sister's face lit up when her eyes fell on the man who even now still haunted his nightmares with the army he had brought.  
     “I assume the gift pleases you, Dear Firefly?” Loki pulled the kettle from the stove as it began to whistle and filled the two mugs before setting it aside.  
Hotaru smiled just a hair wider, if that was at all possible and softly fingered the stone hanging down into the hollow of her neck where it rested. Her eyes flicked down before she shyly looked up at him.  
     Tony had seen such looks before. They were always sweet glances. It was long ago that he was on the receiving end of such innocent affections. Long ago did women stop gazing at him in such innocent ways. Now, women looked at him with unashamed hunger. At this point in his life he was hardly sure if it was his body they wanted or just a chance to try and claim a rich man.  
     Never had Tony expected to see Hotaru Stark alive again and yet she had come back into his life. Never had he thought he would have the chance to see his dearest sister have the chance to see Lil Bit grow to look at a man in such a way.  
     Tony wondered if she had ever looked at a man in such a way before, if she knew she was giving her heart away as Loki set the mug in front of her. He suspected she had never had a love before. Why would she have? She had only just hardly learned to trust the people around her.  
     “Pray tell, Little One, what have you been up to while we've been away?” Loki smoothly sat himself in a stool next to her as Tony rose from his own.  
     “I'm going to take a nice long nap, see you in a week, Lil Bit.” Tony squeezed her shoulder as he stood. She took a chance and returned the affection by nuzzling into his side before he stepped away. With one last wave, he left them and made his way into the hall where he rested against the wall.  
     His ribs hurt. Many were bruised on the side she nuzzled and it took everything he had to swallow his pain and stand strong for her. She didn't need to see his pain. For so long as he could, Tony would keep his pain from her.  
     “It suits you, Little One.” Reaching out, he skimmed a fingertip over the amber stone resting in the hollow of her neck. It rested so perfectly, obscuring the small amounts of scaring that fell below the band.  
     Reaching out, Hotaru snagged his hand and pulled it down, palm up so as to write on it. 'Thank you.' she wrote first and smiled up at him.  
     'I love it' she added before glancing up at him again.  
     Loki was watching her intently, leaning slightly forward. A warmth spread over her cheeks as her eyes met his. The moment however was over just as soon as it started when Loki leaned back, sitting up straight in the chair with a stiff back.  
     When he leaned back, she was confused. Whatever was building in that moment was gone in a flash and she didn't even understand it. Her face felt hot and her chest tight. Whatever it was that was happening, she wanted more of it. She wanted it again. Yet she didn't understand. If she didn't know what exactly it was that happened, how could she make it happen again? How could she even say for sure that she wanted it in the first place?  
     “Do you find it more comfortable than strips of rags?” With a wave of his hand he motioned to her neck again and she nodded quickly. “I can provide you others, should you wish it.”  
     'This is more than enough.' She wrote, taking a moment to pause between the words. It was true, he already had done so much for her.  
     “If you so insist, Dear Heart.” Loki offered as a shallow agreement before continuing. “Had you been productive in your studies just as you promised?”  
     Hotaru nodded with a wide smile, happy to see as he spoke, his posture relaxed again and it was as if nothing had changed again.  
'History of Asgard 1/3 done.' A beaming smile full of pride lit up her face, drawing a smile from Loki as well.  
     “Very well done indeed, Little One.” Taking his hand from hers, Loki drank deeply of his tea as Thor rounded into the kitchen.  
     “What has the Lady done so well, made your tea, Brother?” The admonishment was softened by the warm smile he tossed to Hotaru, setting her at ease that he was only teasing his brother.  
     “While she makes a fine cup of tea, that was not the source of praise. The Little Firefly is a third of the way through 'The History of Asgard'. I dare say, I believe that means she has read more of that tome than you, Brother.” Their banter brought a smile to her face and shook her body with soundless laughter that still puzzled Thor as she pulled her note book closer and took up a pen.  
     'which of you is elder?' While she often left her messages and words written on Loki's hand, lower thigh or chest when in the company of another she stuck to paper more often than not.  
     “He is the Younger.” Thor offered with a smile.  
     “You don't know that.” Loki challenged.  
     '??' Was all Hotaru added below the last message.  
     “He's adopted.” Thor spoke offhandedly as if it was nothing, even shrugging as he spoke.  
     'Everyone here is like a family.' Even now, Hotaru felt she struggled to find her place. She wasn't needed here. She wasn't a part of this family. Tony had done fine without her. No one needed her. She could disappear and after a few days, she was sure no one would be bothered.  
     “Of sorts.” Thor confirmed and though he was not nearly as observant as Loki tended to be, even he noticed the slightly far away look in the small girl's eyes and the ever so carefully hidden wave of sadness that rolled over her.  
     “Our family was lucky enough to grow by one, recently.” Taking her hands up into his larger ones, Thor brought himself in close, sitting down on the stool to her other side, turning her to face him. “Little Lady, not a day has passed that I am not thankful to the Norns for us finding you alive. You are a light, Dear Lady. A light for many who art but lost and adrift. You are a part of this family.”  
     It was the first time Thor had called her by a pet name. To him, she had always been 'Lady Stark' and in a way, being 'Little Lady' or 'Dear Lady' was nice. It was to her as if he was letting down a wall of formality.  
     'You're a King?' She wrote slowly on Thor's hand after freeing one of hers. She could feel the slight brush of Loki leaning over her shoulder to watch as she wrote.  
     “I'm sorry, Dear Lady- I failed to-” Thor's stumbling was silenced when his brother cut him off.  
     “He is indeed a King, Dear Heart.” Thor would never get used to hearing his brother call a woman by such enduring pet names. They were simple and sweet, like the candies the maids would slip them as children. He'd never even heard Loki refer to his lovers and bed warmers in the past by such names.  
     “You need not treat me any differently, however.” Thor was quick to add.  
     Hotaru hesitated, hand poised over Thor's ready to write her question yet it felt too much. Thor's blue eyes flicked up over her shoulder to his brother, looking for some sort of guidance. It was Loki who had more experience with her, of the two.  
     “You can say anything, Little One. He'll not anger. Let not his size fool you, he isn't one quick to anger.” Loki leaned over her shoulder and turned his head to speak directly into her ear. His warm breath fanned over her cheek and she wasn't sure if it was his breath making her face feel hot or her own body reacting to his in some way she couldn't understand.  
     'Someday, may I see Asgard?' her hand shook as she wrote out the letters slowly, painfully slow but when the message was finished, Thor laughed softly and smiled.  
     “The journey to Asgard is painful for Humans. You must wait until you are stronger, Little Lady. Then, with your Brother's blessing, I-” Thor's eyes flicked to Loki for a moment before continuing. “We will take you and show you all that Asgard has to offer.”  
     What Hotaru didn't know, what Thor didn't think anything of, was Tony Stark watching on from the hall. He wanted to properly check on his sister. He wanted to see how she was doing, how her studies went, to make sure she wasn't upset about being left alone for so long. As of yet, she hadn't spent much time with Thor and Tony could think of few others that would protect her like Thor.  
     What made the scene so hard to watch however was how close Loki sat behind her. His long legs held wide, stretching out on either side of her. Arm braced against the back of the stool as he leaned in close behind her. Tony wondered if she could feel the warmth from Loki's chest being so close. What he could be saying to her that required such an intimate display.  
     Again, Tony tried to remind himself that she trusted Loki. Hotaru liked Loki. He was counted by her as a friend. She was safe with him. Probably. It didn't matter. Thor was there. Thor would protect her even from Loki. Wouldn't he?  
     Why was he being so kind, so gentle with her, for that matter? Loki wasn't a kind person. He wasn't gentle. Though, now that Tony was forced to think about it, he could be abrasive, borderline rude but he hadn't actually acted against anyone since coming to the tower. Was he blinded? Was Hotaru seeing things as they truly were?  
     Tony watched, believing he was unnoticed as he thought about the events of his life, of his sister. Loki was strong. Should she give him her heart, would Tony accept her choice? Could he? He knew first hand how strong Loki was, would there be any others stronger to protect her? Could Loki truly care for someone?  
     Tony wanted a drink. He needed one. And so, he turned on his heel and left to go find one. One drink would be okay. One drink would be fine. What harm could come from one? One drink became two. Two became three. Tony didn't remember going to his lab that night. Nor did he remember falling asleep at his desk.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Alcoholism

 

    While Tony drank away his self doubts and drowned the troubled voice in his head, Loki escorted Hotaru to her room, leaving Thor behind in the kitchen to finish the mug of mead he had poured himself. It had gotten late, hours had passed and poor Hotaru was so tired she could hardly sit up in her stool, let alone stand. 

    Thor had felt bad, keeping the small girl up so late but she wanted to know all about Asgard and had a never ending stream of questions. Thankfully, she didn’t quiz him on Asgardian history. She wanted to know about the beauty of the palace, the clothes and customs. Few showed such interest in their home. More often than not, people would ignore that he was from somewhere so very different and distant. That way they could avoid thinking about how small their life was in relation to the bigger universe as a whole. 

    At first Loki was content to laugh to himself as she swayed and swerved in front of him but when she bounced off the corner rather than completely turning into the hall, Loki had had enough. It wouldn't do to have her hurting herself, gathering bruises on his watch. He didn't need to give them a reason to look at him with doubt, to not trust her in his care. It wouldn't do well for his game.

    Swiftly, he swooped down and took Hotaru's legs out from under herself. Behind her, he already had his arm ready to catch her and pull her into his chest. He could feel her chest tense and contract and wondered if a squeak or short screech would have left her lips, had she not been brutalized.

    For a moment, he wondered what her voice would have sounded like. Would it have been sweet and smooth like honey? Would it be a high melody, like the song of Fae chimes in the wind? It was a sound he would never hear, unless perhaps. No, with a shake of his head he put the thought aside. He already was putting far more effort into the small woman than she was worth in the name of his game.

    Yet, he was sure Tony would hunt for a way to give his darling sister her voice back, even knowing that it had been surgically removed. If Loki could manage to give her an organic voice, one to come from her own throat, to heal the damage that was done when all her brother would ever be able to pull off was a fake replica… oh how that would play into his game indeed.

    Loki walked swiftly, silently toward her room, sparing only a quick glance down at her as she cuddled into his chest. One delicate hand rested against his chest, over his heart but she did not write. Her other hand rested in her lap as her eyes grew heavy.

“ Is she alright?” Natasha asked from where she leaned against the wall next to her own bedroom door.

“ The Little One was up until she could not so much as walk straight. It became necessary to carry her for her own safety.” Loki spoke softly, approaching the door across the hall from his own.

“ Thank you, Loki.” The sincerity in Natasha's words caught Loki off guard as be slowed to a stop near the door while still giving himself distance from Natasha.

“ It's nothing. She's so light, even You or Banner could carry her with no trouble.” With a glance down, Loki found that the woman in question had drifted off into slumber.

“ That's not what I meant and you know it, Loki.” Natasha sighed as she pushed off the wall. “I mean, for being there for her. Clint and I... We try but we've been in and out so often we haven't had as much time as we've wanted for her. And Steve is still... I don't think he can look passed how she looked when we found her. We've all kind of just... left her alone more than anyone of us wanted.”

“ I've done nothing but give her the free time I have as I'm not permitted to leave this place.” This was a odd conversation to be having. It was just a game, he only was giving her his time for the sake of his little game. It was just a play to make Tony suffer. It was just a game.

“ Yet you didn't have to. You could have just stayed in your room or ignored her like you generally did everyone else. But you didn't. So, thank you because Tony wont say it.” Natasha opened Hotaru's bedroom door for Loki before turning and disappearing into her own room, leaving Loki alone in the hall with his own thoughts.

    With one last glance down at the dozing girl he stepped into her room. It was just a game, wasn't it? Could he have lost his own game? That was nonsense, he was the master of the game. Perhaps the rules simply changed. No, it was a game, his came and he was in control of it. All of it. 

    A quick flick of his wrist the blankets on her bed pulled themselves down at the corner, giving him a place to set her on the sheet below. Rather than simply setting her down, he sat on the edge of the bed and again glanced down to the woman sleeping in his arms. She was warm, he could feel the warmth of her body seep into his arms and chest. It was a comforting feeling, one he wasn't used too.

    He had never understood the appeal of sitting in front of a campfire. The call of a hot spring never came to him. He didn't sleep under more than a standard blanket and more often than not, he had the window open letting a cool breeze in.

    Yet now, in this moment, he dreaded giving up the warmth she gave him. She stirred for a moment and Loki's breath caught in his chest, only releasing when she settled again, nuzzled with her head above his heart. She was so very small in his arms.

    With her face relaxed in sleep, he could fully see how her face began to fill out. She was becoming a beautiful creature, surprisingly enough considering her human lineage. With her small frame and delicate features, she brought the Fae to mind. Already, he had spent too much time sitting with her, looking at her.

    Heaving a sigh, Loki moved to rest her on the bed, trying not to wake her. She hardly stirred as he slipped his arm out from under her legs, settling them under the warm blankets. The tower seemed to run cool according to the other residents and while it never bothered him, he found himself not wanting her to catch a chill, even as she didn't recoil from the chill that seemed to hang around him.

    When it came to slipping his arm out from under her back however, she reached out for him the moment he shifted. Her chest constricted as if to whimper as her eyes opened in slits and small hands reached out for him, clutching at his shirt.

    'please' she wrote on the arm under her hand.

“ What do you require, Dear Heart?” Loki spoke softly, plucking her left hand off his shirt.

    'Don't go.' she wrote slowly. 'Don't leave me again.'

“ It'd be improper for me to stay, Little Firefly.” While he spoke, his thumb rubbed the back of the hand he held.

    'Don't want to be alone.' While she wrote, she gripped his hand in hers. 'Please don't leave me alone.”

“ Alright.” Loki consented finally as tears shone in her eyes. With a wave of his hand, he motioned for her to scoot over as he slipped into the bed beside her. Before laying back, he shed the black tie he often wore around his neck, leaving it resting on her nightstand. It surprised him when as he reached up to adjust the pillow behind his head, a warm head rested on on his chest.

“ Hello there, Dear Heart.” Loki chucked softly in greeting as he rested his arm around her back. “Something troubles you.”

    'didn't like being alone' she finally admitted. 'I'm sorry'

“ Why do you apologize?” Loki rubbed her back as he shifted forward to grab the blankets, pulling them up and resting them just below her shoulder for the time being.

    'everyone has more important things to do' she finally admitted as Loki called for Jarvis to turn off the lights.

    The curtains still stood open, allowing moonlight to bath the room in it's soft white glow. Things always looked better in moonlight, Loki thought. It gave things a pure light, untainted by the warmth of the sunlight. It illuminated without casting a fake glow to the world as the morning and evening sun both would. He knew logically everything was washed out, the colors muted but he held his opinion fast.

    Even she looked pure in the moonlight, head resting in the space on his chest just below the shoulder. Her eyes were hooded but open, clearly sleep was still making her thoughts run thick.

    'Even you.' He almost didn't notice she was writing again.

“ What do you mean?” Loki turned his head and was softly speaking into the hair at the crown of her head, taking in the smell of her shampoo.

    'have better things to do.' For a moment she hesitated, not knowing why her chest felt tight, why her face felt warm or why she felt like she was balancing on a ledge.

“ I have nothing else I would rather be doing at this moment, Dear Heart.” There was no one to overhear, no reason to play his game at the moment. He didn’t know why he said the words, why he played his game with no one to witness.

    Or so Loki had thought. Outside the bedroom, sitting on the floor while resting his back against the wall, Thor smiled. He didn't know if his Brother knew he was listening in to the one side of the conversation he had access to but it didn't really matter.

    'Thank you, Loki' her letters were coming slower now, sloppier and he could hardly make out his name.

“ Thor?” Tony's question was met with a harsh 'shh' from the god. “Why are you sitting on the floor? And why are we whispering?” Tony asked as he came up behind the god, having come down from the Living Space elevator.

“ Loki is speaking to Lady Stark in her chamber.” Thor smiled over at Tony.

“ Speaking better be all he is doing.” Tony grumbled as he went to sit next to the god.

“ My brother has been nothing but a gentleman.” Thor insisted, pointedly ignoring the fact that his brother was resting in the bed with the woman in question.

“ If you say so.” Tony sighed, holding his head in his hands. The world turned around him. He couldn't even say for sure why he was on this floor or what he had hoped to accomplish.

 

    'I-' for a moment Loki didn't think she'd finish as her hand began to drift down to his chest 'really like you'

    Her hand settled on his chest and he felt the movement of her finger as she wrote 'you' but by the gods, the word was almost lost to him as sleep took her.

“ I've found myself rather fond of you as well, Little Light.” Loki admitted, wholly focused on the small woman in his arms as he pulled the blanket up over her shoulder, tucking his own arm underneath so as to run his hand up and down her arm.

 

“ If he hurts her-” the rest of Tony's growled threat was lost in a scotch fueled slur after hearing Loki's confession.

“ His words were not intended for our ears.” Thor reminded him as he looked at the pitiful sight Tony made. “If anyone were to hurt her heart, it would be you. Look at yourself.”

“ What? I'd never hurt her!” Tony harshly whispered.

“ You've spent most of the time since she's been returned to your care drunk or hiding from her. When you are around her, your smothering her- controlling every option she has to give the illusion of freedom while refusing to allow others to guide her.” Thor's voice was firm, even as he kept it measured, not wanting to draw any attention to them that they may not already have.

“ You think you can do better? Fine.” Tony tried to rise but fell to the ground with a soft thud.

“ Mayhap not I, but Loki has.” Thor stood and pulled Tony to his feet. “The closest thing to honest interactions that I've seen from you with her has been while away on a mission.”

“ What the hell do I talk to her about? How was most of your life? Mine was swell- I drank, I partied and had sex. I ate and slept and worked and did whatever and whoever I wanted. Oh? You did none of those things?” Tony swayed on his feet and Thor steadied him, beginning to pull him down the hall away from the open door. “Or worse yet, did some of those things against your will.”

“ Let her lead. Stop hiding in the drink. Be there for her.” They had almost made it to the elevator.

“ You know. I thought I could fix her. Have you seen her neck?” Tony's eyes shone as tears gathered in them.

“ I've not seen her without a bandage until we returned. Today she wears a necklace. What of it?” Thor questioned as the doors closed, isolating them.

“ I can't fix it. I can't give it back to her. What good am I?” Tony was lost in the swirl of his drunken thoughts, emotions running wild.

“ What can you not fix?” Thor again prodded as the elevator came to a stop on Tony's floor and he began the troublesome process of hauling the man out and down the short hall without making him sick.

“ Open the door, J.” Tony ordered, voice thick and slurred. Thor almost didn't think he would ever get an answer to his question.

“ They took it from her.” Tony finally said once he was inside his on apartment.

“ They took a lot from her.” Thor confirmed, wanting nothing more at this point than to deposit Tony Stark, the drunk Man of Iron into his bed, propped on his side and leave him there. This conversation was going nowhere. 

“ I know.” A tear finally escaped. “But they took it. They took her voice. She loved music. She loved to sing. God she had such a pretty voice.”

“ She can learn to sing, even now.” Thor insisted as he finally dragged the man to his bed and plopped him down on it.

“ She'll never sing again.” Tony whined as he flopped onto his back.

“ She can and in time mayhap she will.” Thor grabbed the man's arm and hauled him up toward the head of the bed and onto his side, shoving one of the many pillows behind his back and tossing a blanket over him.

“ How? I can't fix her.” Tony pulled his knees to his chest as Thor sat on the floor next to the bed.

“ At your last formal party, did you not have musicians on stringed instruments? They were similar to what we have on Asgard.” Thor prodded. “On Asgard, we say that a musician can make an instrument sing in their hands. Mayhap one day, she can find a new voice and sing with her hands.”

    Tony hummed in response, sleep quickly pulling him under. Thor sat at the side of his bed until the man was settled into a deep sleep. It wouldn’t do to have him roll onto his back on the edge of sleep and drown in his own sick. 

 

    Even as Loki basked in the warmth of Hotaru's body tucked against his, he didn't think to cast his senses out beyond the room. He hadn’t since he first checked that the hall remained empty. There were no treats in the tower and most of the residents were asleep. What reason did he have? The eavesdroppers went undetected as time slowly ticked on. 

    As a rare sleep stole him away, Loki didn't think about about much more than the warmth that seemed to seep into every bone. He didn’t think about the lack of trust the people who called him a ‘teammate’ placed in him. His mind didn’t wonder to all the things that made him unworthy. Not once did he think of his game. 

    All he thought of was how good it felt to be warm and how the weight of her head on his chest, the pressure of her body against his felt somehow just right. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy a update a few hours early.

 

     Hotaru didn't want to wake up. She was cuddled up to something firm and perfectly chilled. It made the blankets that surrounded her all the more enticing. She never wanted to leave this place. It felt safe and she nuzzled into the chilled mass. It had been a rare night where her mind didn't torment her, where she slept through without waking, thrashing from horrors long passed.

     The movement brought Loki out of his sleep. He was warm, so comfortingly warm. It made him feel, yet the feeling was something he couldn't readily identify and he lacked the motivation to hunt for a word for it as he turned his head and took in a deep breath. Hairs tickled his face as he buried his nose in the head of his bed mate. This wasn't like him, to seek comfort in the woman the morning after but it felt right, just the same. Surely, for there to be a woman in his bed it had to be the morning after. His mind was muddled with sleep. When it was, where he was didn't matter at that moment. He was warm.

     Slowly, his mind swam to the waking world, leaving the fog of sleep moment by moment even as he fraught it. It had been a long time since he rested so peacefully. Being awake meant being tortured by the memories of his past. It meant seeing the mistrusting looks on the faces of the other residents of the tower. It meant knowing why Stark was so quick to panic the moment he did anything. Sleep was better, it was a place where he could just be.

     Sleep wasn't always better. It had been a long time since sleep had been a safe place. A better place. Sleep was often worse. This time, sleep was peace. Had he any right to peace? Surely he didn't deserve to feel this at peace. Even as his mind and body felt well rested and refreshed, his back and shoulder were stiff, telling him that he had hardly moved from the moment he dozed off.

     That was odd. With another deep breath, the faint smell of strawberries filled his nose. The small body next to him seemed to sigh as well, as she cuddled closer. No women ever wished to cuddle him, often finding him too chilled. It was something he long since gave up on, allowing the woman who warmed his bed to sleep at arms reach, back when he allowed them to stay at all. It had been so long, so very long that he had shared his bed for more than a tryst, seeing the woman or sometimes the man out after the deed was done.

     Finally he cracked his eyes open, aggravated by the light. It was bright, too bright. He always pulled the curtains closed when retiring for the night. Never would he leave them open when taking a someone to bed, less talk spread as he was never actively courting. Sure, many knew he had lovers but who, how often and of what standing they were was none of the common people's concern as none would ever become their Princess.

     This however wasn't his chamber, he realized as again the small form next to him stirred, just as unwilling to be awake as he, it seemed. While he fully didn't intend to stay with her the whole of the night, it was clear that was just what he had done. Oh, how mother dearest would have been disappointed, as if he could have disappointed her any more than he had before her death.

     Hotaru had her leg hooked over his, thigh resting just over his pelvis and he willed her to sleep just a while longer as his body had betrayed him in his sleep. When she again tried to scoot somehow closer, her leg and hips wiggling against his, Loki's eyes fell closed as he focused instead on deep breaths and not the small, decidedly feminine body pressed closely to his.

     One last silent sigh, he could identify it by way her rib cage moved under his hand and she crunched up. One leg pressed against his, while the other was pulled, dragged higher up his hips as her back arched and arms were pulled close to her chest. Just when he thought she couldn't get smaller, she slowly unraveled against him. The one arm that was free to move stretched out, hand sliding across the broad expanse of his chest.

     That action did little to distract him from the way her leg pulled down slowly, over his hips and groin, down his thighs until her leg was stretched almost straight with only her foot hooked over his calf, resting between his legs. Loki sent a silent prayer that she was still more asleep than awake during the actions. He himself didn't even know what he wanted and the last thing he needed was her to feel him and be reminded of what other men had done to her.

     “Have you rested well, Little Firefly?” Loki finally broke the silence as her breathing finally told him she was awake, but relaxed.

     'gmorning' Her writing was lazy, sloppy on his chest as she shifted to look at him.

     His hair was disheveled some from the pillow and the morning light gave his face a warmth that she had never seen on it before. The golden light of the morning made him look so warm, even as it contrasted with the chill of his body. God how she didn't want to get up, she didn't want him to get up. The chill, the weight of the blankets, the steady beat of his heart and the rise and fall of his chest as he took each breath were perfect. She decided he was perfect.

     “I should leave, Little One. I fear your brother would take ill to finding me here.” The vibration of his voice in his chest drew her head into the crook of his neck where she nuzzled for a moment. Why? She couldn't say. It felt right. It felt needed. It felt right being having him there with her. These thoughts were things she had never thought before. These feelings were things she had never felt. She had no name for what was going on in her heart, but she knew it felt right. It felt pure. Hotaru could only hope that he felt the same nameless way.

     'Thank you for staying as long as you did.' The words failed to express what she felt. She didn't know if she had enough words in her heart to say what she felt, or if any of those words were the right ones.

     Outside the door, left cracked open as Loki hadn't closed it behind him, fully expecting to leave later that night, the sound of Clint calling out that breakfast was hot cut through the air. Hotaru didn't know that Clint actually called out an announcement, the heavy walls and thick door did much to muffle all sound from outside the room.

     'Don't wanna get up' The rumble of her stomach however made her need for food known, causing Loki to slowly begin shifting to get out of the bed.

     “Surely you'd be more comfortable without me taking up space, keeping you from warmth and regardless, you're stomach speaks of your need for food.”

     'why are you cold?' the words were rushed, written in his chest as Loki moved to sit up and as soon as her question was written, he pointedly looked anywhere but at her, even as his legs swung off the edge of the bed.

     'Loki?'

     “Because I am not human.” The words were colder than his skin.

     'Thor isn't human either.'

     “I am not like him.” The words were soft, yet she could almost feel a crack as if standing on thin ice that was just beginning to give way to the turbulent river below. “I am a Jotun, a frost giant, a monster.”

     'I guess you are a bit tall' was all she wrote before he could get up and he finally looked at her, incredulous that she would joke about such a thing even while knowing she didn't know what a frost giant was.

     He saw her finally, maybe for the first time. Hair messed from sleep, choker discarded on the nightstand, eyes bright and that soft smile on her face. The smile that seemed to always be just for him. The only thing marring the pretty picture that she made was the deep scar on her neck and he cursed those who put it on her.

     “I am a monster, bloody hell I've kept you cold all night.” A hand ran through hair, pushing it back in a uncharacteristically nervous action.

     'I slept the best I had in years, I liked the chill.'

     “You're lying.”

     'I like you.' With her lip pulled between her teeth, she worried it while she wrote out the words under the heavy weight of his eyes.

     It seemed just as she was finishing writing the last word he pulled away. She shouldn't chase him. It could displease him. He could punish her. Yet her heart ached in a way she could not name and he was already displeased. And so, she held his hand tight in hers, following him as he pulled away.

     'like the chill. Like that it seems cling you.' Her writing was rushed on his hand, skipping over words and god did she pray he understood what she was meaning, understood the things she could but hardly understand herself. While she knew well her heart still resided in her chest, if felt as if should her meaning get lost her heart would somehow be lost to the very winds.

     “Little Firefly, you know not what you say.” Loki again pulled his hand away yet somehow her small hands held firm to him. The force of his yank brought her right too him. So much so that she was but a hair's breath away. His sinuses were filled with the scent of her, the fading smell of the shampoo mixed with something that was so keenly her.

     'always like you come in from night. Always of fresh air.' She rested the hand not used to write with on his bicep, feeling the tensed muscle even as he worked to appear relaxed. With how the momentum of his pull brought her close, she wrote on his chest, just over his heart, pounding hard and steady yet ever so fast just the same. Yet, his looks hardly betrayed such.

     “I am a monster.” He stressed, leaning back against the wall and some voices carried the sounds of excitement from outside her cracked open door, down the hall and in the kitchen. It may as well have been a world away.

     'Fresh air.' again she wrote. 'rare to have before. Like it. Like you.'

     In blink, her hand was taken up by his in a firm grip, preventing her from writing more. How terribly badly she wished she could speak. She would give anything to simply say what it was she wanted. Would the words have even come to her any better if she could give voice to them? He wouldn't be able to silence her, to prevent her from speaking if she only had a voice.

     “Truly?” The fire, the fight was gone from his voice.

     It was soft now, familiar and yet something still held different to the sound. With no voice, what else could she do but smile up at him and offer the slightest nod. It was the smile that he didn't know he needed to see. No lies were held in her eyes, no falsehoods lie within that smile. A special one that she always held, just for him. She was a special creature, one of such truth that he, the God of Lies should surely be burned under her touch and yet he was not.

     Each in the tower saw her as their redemption. Each spoke of her as such in passing as if it mattered little. A light in the darkness to draw them home, even. These things were spoken freely, accepted by all even as they learned how to be around her. She held a special place in the hearts of everyone in the tower. Such sentiment meant nothing to him, he had spent years telling himself as such. Yet even now, surely her touch should scold him as punishment for daring to touch one such as pure as she.

     Loki found himself craving her touches, even before this morning. How he dreaded speaking with her when others were around. She would use that damned notebook then and he would be prevented from feeling her hands work on him. Surely, she was too pure for him. Even with the life she had been forced to live, the things she had experienced, she was pure.

     It was only a game. It had only been a game. How things had spiraled out of his control.

     “If it could be done, would you have your voice back?” He needed to regain control.

     Hotaru shrugged and finally looked away. It did no good to wish for such things. She had learned a long time ago not to wish for things she could not have. Yet, she had wished all those years ago to be free and while she thought it would never come, finally it did.

     Did she dare to wish to have her voice again? She had long ago given up hope and accepted the silence. Could the day someday come that she could have her voice back? What if she dared to wish for more? What if she dared to wish for him? He was her hearts truest desire, the thing she wanted more than her very voice yet even know she didn't understand what it was she wanted. How could she ever hope to give words to her one want?

     Loki's cool fingers rested under her chin and drew her face up to look at his. It amazed him, even now she did not flinch from the chill. Rather, she ever so slightly leaned into his touch. It was a marvel to him, how warm she felt under his fingers.

     “Should there be a way, I will see to it.” A thumb brushed over her lower lip. “I wish to hear your voice, Little Firefly. Until that time comes, you must eat and grow stronger yet should you ever wish to see Asgard.”

     With a side step away from her, the moment was broken and again Hotaru was left to reach out for that fleeting feeling she had no name for. The distance between them left her feeling so alone, even as they stood but only feet apart. She felt colder now. Colder than she felt under his touch, would he believe that?

     “Fear not, Little Light. I will see you this evening. It would not be wise for your brother to see me leaving your chamber however.” As she watched him finish speaking, Loki slowly took her hand and bowed as he brought it to his lips in a chaste kiss. It occurred to Hotaru that maybe, that was what she wanted yet not on the back of her hand.

     It wasn't something she understood yet she had seen on the TV she occasionally watched mindlessly while they had been away. The way a man kissed a woman who was special to him, who he wanted in a way he didn't want others. Those men on the TV paled to live up to how pleasing Loki was to her eye, yet it was always beautiful women that they wanted, that they had. Could he ever want her in such a way? Surely not, she should put the very thought, the vague idea right out of her head.

     What did she have to offer him, after all? She didn't see a woman when she looked at herself in the mirror. She did not have the shape those less handsome men in the TV seemed to desire so. Never would she be able to speak to him, to sing for him. She was dumb, plain and average. She didn't even know what her feelings were. The people in the TV shows spoke of things such as love and lust. She did not know these things, she had no name for the feeling that weighed heavy in her heart at one moment and seemed to pull it high into the sky the next.

     “Until I see you again, Little Light.”

     Loki's voice pulled her from her thoughts where she may as well have been a million miles away. In his hand, pulled for where she couldn't begin to guess, he held a box just as she had found when the team had left her. She smiled at in and tilted her head in question as he placed the box in the palm of the hand he had kissed.

     With one last bow of his head in her direction, Loki cast his senses out and hid himself to the cameras upon finding the hall empty. He regretted the decision to not simply hide himself from all eyes. The miscalculation could easily be blamed on being uncharacteristically distracted.

     At least the Norns where kind enough to give him Thor as his witness, standing just inside his doorway and thus, just outside of the area he had checked. Thor could be manipulated. It had been something he had long done to his brother when need arises.

     “Brother, Good Morn.” Thor spoke softly, stepping out of his room as if he had been laying in wait.

     With a sharp turn in his step and a quick smile pulled across his face, Loki turned to face the much larger man. With the greeting returned, he fully intended to turn just as sharply and enter his room alone. That sadly was not the reality that this morning had in store for him.

* * *

 

     Hotaru fingered the choker sitting in the box. It was a silky green ribbon that was strung through the middle of a pendant. In the center of the silver setting shone a large green stone, cut in such a way as to make the light dance in it. Surely, that was the reason it seemed to hold a slight light that shone from within.

     At each end of the ribbon, thin sliver lacework grasped the ribbon and extended into a chain on one end where it hooked with a lobster claw clasp. It was in many ways simpler than his last gift and yet, this stone was larger and the color of the choker more eye catching. It felt just as fine in her fingers as the last and she wondered where it came from, how he got it and for what price he paid. Surely she would never be able to repay him, she hardly had so much as an education let alone any sort of income.

     It was too much. She didn't need gifts as such. Yet with a smile, she clasped it around her neck. Just as the last gift, this covered her scar. The weight of the pendant felt good, heavy on her throat. The hug of the fabric around her neck together with the weight of the pendant did well to push away her worries for the time being. On the TV, men sometimes presented gifts to the women they favored.

     Could it mean? Just maybe? Surely not. But what if? No, there was no reason to get her hopes up.

     With a firm shake of her head, Hotaru set the thoughts aside. She had no voice, no words, no way to really give way to the things she thought and felt. It didn't matter. Fingers danced over the pendant one last time as she slowly walked out of her room. Come what may, she would take whatever life, whatever Loki would offer her.

* * *

     “If you wish to court her, you must ask her Brother for blessing.” Thor suppressed a shiver as the room began to chill with Loki's mood.

     “I'm well aware of the proper way to court a Lady.”

     “You'll speak to Tony, then?”

     “I will not. I have no desire to court her.” With a turn, Loki's pants returned to their fresh pressed state and his black button down shifted to that of a deep navy blue. A black tie graced his neck, replacing the one he had left discarded in Hotaru's room still.

     “Yet you spend the whole of the night with her? You grace her with your favor, your attention and even a gift.”

     “I've spent my nights with many a woman. Take your leave, Brother.” This was not a conversation Loki wished to have. Not when he had to decide the fate of his game and further there was the matter of the Firefly's voice to look into.

     “You've bedded many a woman, of that I will not debate. But, Loki- It has been well over a century since you've keep their company till morning. Even longer when you've done so without taking taking a woman to bed.”

     “She has no voice. You'd not know if I took her to bed.”

     It was a slip in his wording that Thor picked up on. If Loki had truly taken her to bed, it wouldn't have been 'if'. Thor had learned long ago of these small slips, ever so slight that would occasionally give his sly brother away. It seemed when situations were dire, he never managed to catch them and would find himself looking back on conversations had and kick himself.

     “And the gift?”

     “But a trinket.” Loki rolled his eyes.

     “Is it but only a trinket?” Thor pressed before sighing. He'd make no further progress today and so he turned to leave, not before saying, “Do not hurt her, Brother. She is dear to all.”

     Loki spent the rest of his day reading through his books and retrieving others from places close enough to teleport to. One such place was the Doctor turned Sorcerer's keep. The man was ill pleased to see him yet was willing enough to assist when his mission was made clear.

     Why do you wish to help her? What drives you?” He had asked of Loki as they poured over dusty books, his short book keeper adding to a ever growing pile as they worked.

     “Boredom, perhaps.” Loki didn't offer much more in answer and the Doctor only offered a hum to show he heard the words.

     Doctor Stephen Strange had been toying with the idea that magic could bring her voice back during the past few weeks. Yet using magic on another living thing could always prove dangerous. It wasn't something he wished to try without a great deal of understanding.

     Perhaps he could use the Time Stone to solve the problem. It could be done yet it was a power he made a point to only use in the most dire of situations. This most clearly wasn't one such situation yet it was curious, that the matter would draw Loki to his keep and further to make him conduct himself in such an agreeable way.

     It didn't seem like something the God would busy himself with due to simply being bored. Not when coming and seeking his assistance meant giving away the very fact that he could and did leave the Tower.

     “Do you sneak out often?” Dr. Strange pushed the book he had been reading in front of the God, pointing out a passage for him to look over.

     “Rarely. I do request you keep my visit between us, Sorcerer.”

     “Don't give me a reason not to and I will.” Strange ran a hand through his hair. When agreeing to assist with the research, he hadn't expected to find the amount of possible leads they had and yet, Loki was quick to discredit spells left and right as being too dangerous, too risky or unlikely to work.

     “This could be a start.” Loki pulled the book closer, flipping to the next page. Never did he expect to find himself working with a human sorcerer, let along willingly keeping company with one.

     “Do you think it would work?” Strange peered over the book, taking a closer look since the spell hadn't been ruled out right away like so many others already had.

     “It is possible.” Loki leaned over the book, bringing his hand to his mouth and rubbing his fingertips on his lower lip as his eyes scanned the page again.

     “Would it be safe?”

     “Possibly, with some modifications.” Strange watched as the God was lost in the book.

     “Why are you doing this?”

     “It isn't any of your concern. You had the thought as well.” Loki didn't even look up as he flipped the page.

     “Actually, it is my concern. You see, I'm fond of that Little Mouse and I don't want her getting hurt more than she has already.” Strange snagged the book away from Loki as he spoke, wanting more answers before he continued.

     “Everyone is fond of her. She seems to draw people to her.” Loki leaned back in the chair, dropping his hand into his lap as he did so.

     “And you?”

     “No different than you.” This wasn't a conversation he wished to be having, yet he didn't wholly find it unexpected. It was the trade off he would have to make in gaining access to the sorcerer's books without causing trouble.

     “You could just say that you care for her.” Strange gave the book back.

     “And who says I do?”

     “The fact that you came here? That you sought assistance? Or maybe it was the fact that by doing so, you willingly reveal the fact that you can leave the Tower when everyone believes you can't.”

     “You are reading into nothing, Sorcerer.”

     “I don't care, as long as you don't hurt her.” Strange shrugged. “It could even be good for her, to have someone teach her, guide her...Love her.”

     “You know nothing.” Loki snapped, standing up.

     “I know you seem to care about her. I know from what little I've seen of you both together, she seems to like you well enough. So, why are you hiding it?”

     “She deserves something pure.” Loki spoke in a rush, ending Doctor Strange's questioning abruptly. “I'm leaving, I'll let you know if I require further assistance.”

     “She doesn't need something pure, just something real, something honest. They call you 'The God of Lies'.”

     “This spell may very well be what I need.” Loki opened his own portal. It didn't materialize in a circular opening, like the sorcerers' did. Rather, it was a shimmer, a transparent ripple in the air that he used to move through. It was better that way. Loki was never fond of others being able to see where it was he was going.

     “I've not lied to her and I will not.” Loki spoke without looking back before stepping into the ripple and disappearing, leaving Strange to his thoughts.

     He could call and report to the others that Loki could leave the tower. Technically, that puts the world at risk. Yet, Stephen Strange decided not to. He wanted to see how things would play out. If the worst came to pass he was the master of Time. Perhaps Loki could be trusted, perhaps he would be good for her, for the Little Mouse he often called the Tower to check up on.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

    Hotaru puzzled over her laptop, sitting comfortably on the couch in the living space on her floor. She was really just passing the time, waiting for when Loki would join her. The strap on her tank top hung limply off her shoulder. Long ago did she get tired of pushing it back up and let it hang. It wasn't as if it was doing much with the clingy nature of the shirt. 

    It hadn't always been clingy. It used to hang off her frame loosely but as she had gained weight and begun to fill out, clothes that Natasha had insisted on her buying larger than needed began to fit properly. 

    “What ya doing, Itty Bitty?” Clint sat down next to her, beer in hand with a large plop and leaned over as he spoke, nudging her with his shoulder. He wasn't a man who cared to be ignored and in some ways resembled the puppies she would sometimes see on TV.

    'Think Tony would let me have a puppy?' Hotaru opened a blank document to type the message. Her typing was getting better with time and she no longer detested the act and sometimes even enjoyed it. 

    “Not likely. Would be nice though.” Clint laughed. “Actually, if you ask probably. You could probably ask him for the damn moon and he'd get it for you. You should, he told me 'No'.” 

    'I'll just settle for you.' Hotaru smiled widely at Clint's mock gasp of offense to her words. 

    “I am no dog!”  

    'Needy like one.' Silent laughter rolled through her body, drawing a laugh from Clint as well. 

    “That's new.” Clint pointed out, tossing the bottle cap to the beer he had just opened at her neck. It clanked against the pendant and fell into her lap. “Getting some pretty fancy taste for neckwear, Tony get it for ya?”

    Hotaru shook her head as her fingers danced over the smooth ribbon. 

    “Not Tony, eh? The rest of us don't have that kind of money, looks expensive.”

    'Loki'

    “Loki?” Clint parroted the word back to her, struck dumb in surprise. “What about the one you wore yesterday? Was that from him too?”

    Hotaru nodded as she closed her laptop and set it on the coffee table. Pointing to the TV, she cocked her head to the side and looked expectantly at Clint. Taking her hint, he snagged up the controller and turned it on, bringing up the guide to see what he could find for them. 

    “He's nice to you, then?” Clint asked as he clicked through the menu. He watched for her response from the side of his vision and smiled when she nodded,  It was this sort of thing that made Hotaru feel so comfortable around him, the subtle ways he accommodated her without treating her different. It made her feel normal.

    “You know, he saved all our asses out there.” 

    'You're surprised?' Hotaru wrote on his lower thigh. 

    “I guess.” Clint hesitated. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

    'Why?'

    “Do you know what he did?” Answering a question with a question wasn't playing fair but Hotaru didn't know if it was worth it to call him on that. 

    'Some' She wrote instead. 'Do you know what I've done?'

    “Whatever you've done doesn't count. You didn't have a choice in anything. Nothing that happened to you, nothing you've done was your fault.” Clint focused his whole attention on her. 

    'True.' Hotaru nodded, wishing for her notebook so she could write better messages without fearing that the meaning would be lost. Clint was one of the only others she often wrote on with her fingers and he was fairly good at keeping up but still. It was Loki she was most comfortable writing on in this way, he was the one that kept up the best.

    “You know, he used mind control on me. Because of him, I attacked my own teammates, I attacked Nat. I could have killed her.” 

    Hotaru nodded in understanding and waited for him to go on. It was all she could do, without a voice or proper way to speak her mind and the things on it. Clearly, Clint needed to talk to someone about what was going on in his head and while she couldn't really talk him through things, she couldn't offer advise or tell him how to see the world she herself was only just learning about, what she could do was listen. If that was all he needed, great. If not, perhaps he would at least feel a touch better after speaking to her. 

    “Thor keeps saying 'Oh, Loki has changed.' but still, it's hard. I see him and I remember. My mind wasn't right for a while after that, not really. Maybe even now it's still a bit scrambled. I guess, if it came to one of us dying or him taking a blow for us...I expected to die.”

    Hotaru reached out and threaded her fingers through Clint's, feeling the rough calluses on his hands. With a squeeze of her hand, she was able to draw his eyes back to her. 

    “Do you think...Do you trust him? Can we trust him?” 

    Hotaru smiled at him and shrugged. After a short moment she nodded. It was clear each person had a history with Loki, that each one had their reason to mistrust him but they didn't know the whole story. They didn't know Loki, not the way she did, or at least she hoped she did. Her fingers danced over the pendant again as her mind brought forth the simple image of Loki’s soft smile, bringing one to her own face. 

    “You like him.” Clint teased, nudging her with his shoulder, carefree air back about him. 

    'I like everyone here.' Hotaru wrote.

    “No, I think you  _ like _ him.” 

    “Who does she like?” Natasha vaulted over the back of the couch, bag of chips in hand, settling on the other side of Hotaru as if it was nothing and somehow managing to not spill a crumb.

    “Loki.” Clint leaned in front of her, speaking directly to the red head as if somehow to keep his words from reaching Hotaru's ears all while snagging a chip from the bag. “He even got her two necklaces!” 

    “How'd he pull that off if he can't leave the tower?” Natasha asked, leaning forward as well, earning a roll of the eyes from Hotaru who tapped both their shoulders yet was promptly ignored. 

    In the dark of a corner, unobserved by any camera lens or eye, Loki smiled to himself. He felt a weight come off of him, one he hadn't known he'd been carrying. The meaning of the feeling was clear, even as he tried to deny it for so very long. There wasn't any point. Not any longer. With a smile, one of such slight softness that hadn't graced his sharp features in a good many years he watched on, listening to their words. The Firefly, his Little Light, Hotaru cared for him or so said the two spies. 

    With a shimmer of green that one could just barely see for a short second, he was gone. Maybe if the cameras slowed the recording, maybe if it was enhanced it would be perceivable. It didn't matter. With a light heart and a heavy mind, Loki now needed clear the game board and begin planning his next move. Perhaps one without pawns, without pieces. What once was a game now was no more. Should he set up a new game, the cost of failure could be much higher. Yet, perhaps it was a risk worth taking, a game worth playing. 

    “Bet you $20 he can leave.” Clint broke the silence that had settled between the three. 

    “Why would he stay, if he could go? He very clearly doesn't like our company.” Clint shrugged at Nat's question. 

    “Who knows about before but I think he likes her.” With a thumb in Hotaru's face, it was clear who Clint was talking about. “Look, she's blushing even!” 

    'Let's just watch TV?' Hotaru protested, having to write the message once on Clint's arm and twice on Nat's hand. She regretted not bringing her notebook when the first time Nat didn't understand what she had written but she didn't want to carry it and the laptop.  

    It wasn't long into the mindless show that Hotaru fell asleep, head in Clint's lap and legs stretched over Nat's. She fully hadn't intended to fall asleep but the warmth of the two of them, the blanket over her and the simple comfort of being around other people and a wide open room lulled her into a relaxed sleep. It didn't help that Nat would rub her leg and Clint would absentmindedly thread his fingers through her hair. 

    “Svetlana has grown so much already.” Natasha spoke softly, using her private pet name for the girl, spoken aloud so rarely, as she continued rubbing the thin legs stretched across her lap.

    “She's going to need new clothes soon.” Clint gave Nat his full attention as he pushed the stray hair from the sleeping girl's face. “What's that name mean, anyway?”

    “Light.” Nat smiled softly down at the woman. “Could she be his light?” 

    “Tony's?” 

    “She already is his. He just needs to find his way. I mean Loki.” She took a moment to look around the room, making sure they were still alone as well as she could. Sure, Tony could pull the audio video recordings but he wasn't known for being in the habit of snooping. 

    “Do you really think that's such a good idea?” Clint's hand stilled in her hair. “Would you trust him with her? I need her to be-” 

    “Safe?” Natasha cut him off. “I saw them, last night. He carried her to bed and Clint. I've never seen him like that. He looked softer, gentler. She could be good for him.” 

    “What if you're wrong?” 

    “I don't think I am. She's been good for us, all of us. I think she's been good for him too.”

    “Tony won't allow it, he hates Loki.” Clint glanced down at the sleeping girl and up at the clock. It was only just after lunch yet Hotaru was out like a light. It was a deep sleep that only the most restful naps could give and he was slightly jealous. He would much rather take a nap than leave for a mission in the next hour. 

    “He takes care of her, when we're gone...When Tony can't.” Natasha shrugged. Like Clint, she was dreading letting go of Hotaru and disappearing for the night or so. 

    “What if he hurts her?” 

    “If we are lucky, she grows, she heals and she goes on to maybe get her heart hurt again...and we kill him.” Natasha had that wicked smile she sometimes got. 

    “Why him?”

    “I imagine Tony will ask himself that as well.” 

 

    When Hotaru woke, Natasha and Clint were long gone. On top of her laptop on the coffee table sat a package of fruit snacks and a note. After stretching, she picked up the note and read it. 

    'We had to go out for a bit and didn't want to wake you. You looked so darn cute! Try these snacks, they are stupid good. You'll like them, promise.

    ~ Clint'

    With a soft smile she picked up the package of snacks and examined it for a moment before ripping the package open and pouring the contents onto the table. Little gelled dollops of all colors fell out with a slight bounce. The smell of sugar and artificial fruit filled the air, almost reminding her of the cereal that Clint would eat. 

    “What have you got there, Little Light?” Loki seemed to walk up out of nowhere, yet she had grown used to him materializing out of thin air. She simply held up the package. 

    “Looks like something Thor would eat.” Loki tossed the wrapper onto the table and plucked a drop up and scrunched up his nose at it. “Smells like it too.” 

    Hotaru just smiled at him and tossed one into her mouth after squishing it between her fingers a few times. They were soft and almost sticky. When she bit down on it, flavor exploded into her mouth and she smiled. They were sweet, almost too sweet for her liking but as a treat they were good. Clint was right.

     “Good Evening!” Thor called out, entering the room. It was odd to her how Loki tensed upon hearing his brother's voice and even more so as he drew near. “What are those, Little One?” 

    “Fruit snacks, according to the package. It would appear however that they have no actual fruit in them, oddly enough.” Loki hated how she smiled at Thor in that instant as he sat on her other side. 

    “May I try one?” Thor smiled wide at Hotaru and when she nodded, he simply opened his mouth and leaned forward. 

    Hotaru cocked her head to the side before she realized what he was doing. Thor wanted her to feed him one. She glanced at Loki as she picked a purple one up and slowly leaned forward.  She was surrounded by men who dwarfed her, making her feel the urge to hide. Yet she pushed that feeling away, she was safe, even if Loki's face looked harder than she had seen in a long time. 

    “Have you lost function in your hands, Brother?” The bite in the quip was clear but Thor only smiled. 

    “These are indeed very good.” Thor plucked another off the table as he stood. “I bid you good evening, Lady Firefly.” 

    With that, he turned and left, leaving Hotaru confused and Loki bristling. 

 

    “What the hell was that about?” Tony snapped, head pounding as Thor joined him in the lab. 

    “Only the testing of my theory. Is that not what you men of science presume to do here in this very room day in and day out?”

    “Fair enough. Care to share with the rest of the class?”

    “I gave her but a slight of my attentions and my Brother reacted instantly. His ire came hardly hidden and on swift wings.” Thor leaned against the metal table where currently Tony worked, holographic screens in front of him. 

    “So, what? He got jealous.” 

    “That is not in his character.” 

    “Really? I pegged him to be a possessive one.” Tony sat glaring at the still image on the screen showing his sister's fingers pressed to Thor's mouth and the man's eyes closed in pleasure. On the screen next to it a still showed her curled against Loki's arm, a book open in his hands as her head rested against his shoulder. She looked at peace and Tony wanted to hate it. He wanted to hate it so badly, yet she looked so at peace it felt a sin to hate it. 

    “Ah, but in that you are correct.” Tony looked to the overgrown god in confusion. “Loki is... He- It has been a long time since he's held a woman in favor.” 

    “She's not a woman. She's my sister!” Tony snapped. 

    “Is she not both? Step aside, let him court her openly, mayhap encourage it even. IN this even, she must learn and grow.” 

    “Why him?” Tony sounded defeated, small and weak as he held his head in his hands. 

    “Why not him?” Thor pressed. “I know well he holds no favor with you however she holds favor with him in a way I've not seen since we were young and perhaps not even then. They both be under your roof, surrounded by all, what safer place for her to be should they fall out of each other's graces?”

    “How can I trust him?” Tony dearly wanted a drink.

    “By giving him a chance. An honest chance. Leave the chains behind. Open your eyes, your heart to the very idea that he has changed. You and the others will see, what I say holds truth. Loki is a changed man. I swear on  Mjölnir, I speak truth. I know it in my heart.”

    Together they sat in silence for a long moment. Thor gave Tony time to think. While he waited for the troubled scientist to speak again he looked at the pictures on the screen. 

    “What is this one?” Thor asked, poking at the holographic screen, bringing the picture forward. A small girl clutched brown musical instrument in her hands. It resembled some of what the musicians played on Asgard. Thor himself was never well versed in the musical talents, though his mother had tried. That was one of the many areas Loki had academically excelled over him in. 

    “Old picture. It's nothing.” Tony flicked his wrist and the entire screen vanished.    

    “She made music before?” Thor questioned. 

    “Yeah. She was okay I guess.” Tony pulled his hands down his face. He wanted a drink but that wasn't the answer. No matter how badly he wanted it, it wasn't the answer. He kept the thought going as if a chant in his mind would keep him strong. 

    “No. She was great. Amazing even. Mom took her to competitions and she won a lot of them. I just... I didn't go to her last few. I didn't want to. God, I should have gone. I should have been there. Maybe then...”

    “Tony. What is done is done. Perhaps she could find comfort in music again? Did I not suggest this very thing last night? It could become her voice, just as it was before. Give this to her then let her have her heart's desires.” 

    Thor was getting tired of these round about conversations he seemed to be having with Tony so often. All he wanted was to see his brother continue on the path he set out on. While yes, his brother had made changes for the better, those changes really only brought him to a shadow of what Thor remembered his best self being. Yet finally, in the company of a damaged mute girl, he could finally see his brother's heart and perhaps very soul truly healing. 

    Tony left in a caffeine fueled whirlwind, leaving Thor behind to hope that the man he had grown to like would pull himself together. The God could only hope and say a prayer that the man would make the right choice and that the results would be healing for all. 

 

    Tony spent the rest of his evening researching, making calls and pulling strings. With the weight of his name and the power of his money, even stores that were closed would be convinced to open their doors or take calls for him. Still, to accomplish what he wanted, it would take time. That was okay, however. This was a task that he wanted to get right, needed to get right. 

 

         Hotaru couldn't have been more relaxed as she sat, blanket pulled over her while she cuddled close to Loki's side. She could feel that same comforting chill radiate off him, countering the warmth of her blanket. Each time he shifted to turn a page, she could feel the way his muscles in the arm she rested against move, twitch and bunch. 

    The smooth sound of his voice drone on in her ears, each sentence coming out as if it were perfectly practiced and rehearsed for her. Never once did he stumble or fault for words, showing his command for both the tongue the book was written in and of the English language. 

    'loki' She traced his name on his forearm, grabbing his attention from the book. 

    “Yes, Little Light?” 

    'you can read something else, if you want. These stories must be boring for you.' He had been reading to her from a old book of Asgardian children's stories, written in his mother tongue. 'something less childish.' 

    “I had thought you were enjoying these stories. Do they not please you?” With a snap, the book was closed. With wide eyes she watched as he gave it a little toss into the air and it disappeared with a shower of green sparks. Never before had he done such a thing in front of her and the look on her face was amusing and it pleased him to know he could amaze her. 

    “Dear Heart?” His voice drew her attention back to the matter at hand. 

    'I thought' she started but stopped, unsure of what she wanted to say. 

    “You thought what, Little Light?” 

    'you're not bored, reading it? They are children’s stories.' Loki shifted, pulling his arm out from under her and draping it around her back. When he pulled her into his side, she came willingly as her cheeks warmed. 

    “It has been a great many decades since I have read these stories. Mother would tell them to us when we were but boys.” It was obvious. It didn't need saying. Yet, he said it anyway, filling the air with sound to counter her silence. It was something he often found himself doing, with her. He was never one for useless words. “Truth be told, centuries ago I’d read them to children in the palace center during festivities.” 

    “What troubles you, Love?” Silence had lingered for a moment before he spoke. At the new pet name, her head snapped up. 

    He looked into her storm gray eyes. The blush blooming across her skin made it petal pink, giving her a softer look. Or perhaps it was that she had gained weight, her face filling out and cheeks no longer hollow, eye sockets no longer sunken in. Maybe it was all of it, together. His chest felt tight as he looked at her, as she looked up at him. Yet, just as quickly, she looked away. 

    'How old are you?' She asked instead and Loki leaned back with a hum. 

    “Many times older than you. Many times older than your father or even grandfather would be, if they still lived.” Loki answered, not looking at her at first. “I am a God, I have been for centuries and will remain for many more.” 

    This was a conversation he didn't want to have with her. It was a subject he didn't want to even cast his mind to. Her life was in reality but a blink of an eye to him. If he closed his eyes for a moment too long, she'd be old and gray. Should he oversleep, her life could be over before he were to awake. Her life was but seconds to him. It was something that it was better left not pondered. It wasn't worth wasting time. If he did this, he couldn't afford a second wasted. 

    It was a simple fact of his existence. This very problem was what Thor had been counseled against. It was insurmountable. Her humanity was not a fault, a disease that could be cured. It was not a curse that was to be lifted. 

    'I'll always be a child to you' she absentmindedly wrote the words on his chest as she rested against him.

    “Nonsense.” Loki pulled her face up to look at him with a firm finger under her chin. “Your life is shorter, your time is shorter. Humans put much into little time. Things that would take I or Thor decades, centuries to realize, humans decide in a matter of years. Perhaps I could stand to learn from your kind.”

    When she looked at him, confusion clear on her face he simply shook his head before nuzzling the top of her head. It had somehow gotten late, the sun had gone down long ago. It didn't matter. The dark of the night had become their time. 

    It was clear to her Loki wasn't going to say more. Hotaru didn't know what words she needed to say, wanted to say to express what she wanted. What she did know was that she didn't want him to leave. Whatever this was that she had with him, this nameless undefined thing, she wasn't ready for it to end. 

    And so, she stayed cuddled up to him. She planned to remain for so long as he would allow, feeling the chill from him, the way his chest would rise and fall with each breath. She basked in the feeling of his breath fanning out over her head, the way her hair would shift and move just a bit with each puff of breath.

    Most of all, she soaked up the smell of him. It was fresh and woodsy. Hotaru wanted nothing more than to visit a forest, one like the stories spoke of after a midnight rain. Somehow, somewhere deep in her bones, she know that he smelled like that. 


	16. Chapter 16

     Hotaru woke in the morning tucked into her bed. She had no memory of leaving the living room at all. Had Loki carried her and put her to bed? He must have. In a way, she was sad to have slept through it, to miss even a moment with him. In the end, it didn't matter and she tugged the blankets up over her head. She missed him, missed the chill of him. Was that wrong?

     “Svetlana, wake up.” A soothing voice called to her after the nearly silent whoosh of the door sliding open even as she nuzzled into the pillow. “Lana, Tony wants you.”

     At that, she peeked out from under the blankets, confused at the redhead. After glaring for a moment all she received in return was a smile while the blankets were pulled away.

     "You look like an angry kitten. Up, up, before Tony comes and gets you himself.”

     Nat handed over her notebook and pen as she sat up. Once the space behind her was vacated, the redhead slipped behind her, brush in hand to tame the mess that was her hair. It was something Natasha was doing more and more often as time passed.

     Natasha found it comforting to care for the smaller girl. She would never have children of her own, at least not biologically and regardless in their line of work children would be a liability. She didn't envy the lengths Clint went through to keep his family safe nor the sheer amount of time he spent away from them. It was accepted that as he became more and more recognized his family would likely have to move into the tower. It was a sore topic in his home and a cause for much tension. Truly, Natasha did not envy him.

     She had her little Svetlana to care for. It was more than enough to watch as she grew, filled out and came out of her shell. Each step forward she made caused Natasha's heart to swell with pride for her. The angry kitten glare she had received was something that the girl never would have offered a few short weeks prior.

     She was healing. She was growing. With each day, it seemed a light would shine through her, just a little bit brighter. Not literally, of course. She was only human. But to have gone through so much and now, while she did still often flinch back from the men, she did not cower.

     As Natasha ran her fingers through the long dark hair, she hummed a sweet tune. Where she had heard it was anyone's guess but Hotaru found she liked it. Having Nat's hands in her hair was nice. It was such tender touches she had never thought she would experience.

     There was a time when the only thing she could remember anyone doing with her hair was pulling it, bunching it in a fist and dragging her by it or using it to hold her down. A shudder ran through her at the thought.

     “Is something wrong, Svetlana?” Natasha smoothed her hair down with her hands one last time.

     'what does that mean?' Hotaru wrote and held up the notepad, dodging the question with her own.

     “Svetlana?” When Hotaru nodded, Natasha put her arms around the girl's shoulders and pulled to rest against her chest. “It is a name from my mother tongue.”

     At that phrase, Hotaru cocked her head in confusion. It was clearly not a phase she was familiar with.

     “The language I spoke as a child.” Natasha elaborated before continuing, “It means light, something pure. Like you. Now Lana, throw some fresh clothes on and we'll go see Tony. We'll go shopping again this weekend, if you need new night clothes.”

     Hotaru was confused before she realized she had been put to bed in the clothes she had worn yesterday. It didn't do much to change the fact that her friend was right, the clothes she had were beginning to be tight on her. With a smile, Hotaru nodded, agreeing to the outing before going to her dresser and pulling out a fresh change of clothes. It was a simple outfit, like many she wore. Just a t-shirt and comfortable jeans but it did the job just the same.

     Once changed, Natasha pulled her by her hand out of the room. It was amazing she managed to grab up her notebook and a pen in time. Clearly, whatever was going on was exciting for Natasha. They nearly plowed over Loki as he came out of his room.

     “Good morn, Little Firefly.” Loki's voice betrayed his amusement as the girl twisted behind Natasha and waved at him, nearly tripping in the process. For her own safety, he followed the women down the halls and into the elevator. It wouldn't do for Natasha to harm her with her careless pulling.

     “Pray tell, Where are we going this fine morn?” Loki leaned against the wall as he watched Hotaru shrug, hand still firmly held captive by the spy turned assassin who did not make any move to answer. Well fine, he would just continue to follow them, he decided as the elevator came to a stop and the door opened.

     “Come on, Lana.” Natasha pulled her out the doors and down the hall as Loki watched. Lana? His little light was collecting a growing list of names.

     Again, she nearly tripped as she looked back at him and smiled that small smile. For a moment, he didn't care where Natasha was leading them, only that he was following her. It was a childish sentiment, one he thought he had long grown out of.

     “In here.” Tony ushered the two woman into the room, sparing a glance to Loki as his arm waved them in. Loki paused outside the room as Natasha disappeared into it, pulling Hotaru along with. He wasn't going to follow, at least not openly until Hotaru reached out from him, passed Tony. If she wished him to go in, he would. Such a thing would play well into his game.

     She made his game so easy to play. His game. It was still but a game. It had to be a game. Could he let it something else? Could he risk it being something more? Was it worth the risk? Could it be worth it? What if he did, and it wasn't?

     As much as he didn't want to, with Hotaru- with Lil Bit reaching out for the God, Tony stepped aside, showing that he would not stop him from joining them. It was a start, he still felt on the defensive around Loki but he would try. Heaven help him, if it would make her happy, he would try his damnedest.

     Inside the room, Hotaru was confused. Black cases sat on the ground of a nearly empty small room, walls paneled with warm wood unlike the rest of the tower. She turned to try and find what the source of all the excitement was, but all she found was two wheeled chairs, a desk and the black cases. One was a long thin tube like case, the other was a larger, almost rectangular shaped case with rounded corners.

     “Ta-da!” Tony's singsong voice was full of excitement as he held his arms out to the room around them, as if that would explain everything to her. It did not and Hotaru was left to stand with her head cocked in confusion. Fingers danced over the stone at her neck as she tried to figure out what it was that he wanted her to see. She didn't want to disappoint him.

     Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew she should know these things. It was that same distant part of her mind that told her that she should have known Tony, when he knelt in front of her, looking full of desperation in that conference room. That time somehow both felt like yesterday and like a whole lifetime away. In a way, it made since, it was a time of transition.

     “You don't remember?” Tony's voice was heavy with disappointment but he quickly covered it up with a new wave of enthusiasm. “That's okay. No problem at all. Here, come here. Let me show you.”

     Loki stepped up to Natasha as he watched on. She glanced at him as he stood, arms crossed.

     “Nice necklace she has on.” When Loki only offered a hum in acknowledgment, she continued on. “Is it just a necklace?”

     Loki's eyes flicked to her for a moment but that was all she needed to know she was right. It was more than just a pretty trinket. In front of them, Tony was setting the largest of the cases on the desk and quickly moving to unzip it, keeping Hotaru close and grinning over at her before flipping open the lid of the case.

     Something deep inside of her clicked, even if she didn't know what it was. Her hands shook as she looked at it. Tony watched intently and it felt like the world stopped. Fear washed over Loki but he knew it wasn't his fear he felt.

     It was only a few long strides to come up behind her. Tony hadn't even had a chance to notice the things that were clearly written on her face, Loki had an advantage in that area, even with her back to him. He leaned over her shoulder, away from Tony and looked into the case.

     Inside sat a musical instrument, similar to those played in the courts of Asgard. It was delicately carved, rich in color with a shiny from what could only be endless polish. The heady smell of the aged wood and varnish were unmistakable.

     “What is that you've got there?” It amazed him how nearly the instant she heard his voice, she began to relax again. “We have things similar in Asgard.” He offered, rubbing a cool hand down her arm and back up, allowing it to rest on her shoulder and she relaxed even more.

     Loki had spoken just as Tony had realized something was off with her. His chance was lost and he bit back the anger and not being the one to set her to ease. In the end, Loki relaxed her instantly. In the end, that was okay, wasn't it? A deep breath later and he was ready to go.

     “It's a violin. You used to play before...back when you were a kid. We... I thought...” Hotaru smiled at him as he sighed, running a hand down his face before starting again. “It's okay if you don't remember it. We can get you a teacher or Jarvis can assist, can't you, J?”

     “Yes Sir, I'd be delighted to assist Miss. Stark.”

     “I figured, if you wanted to take it up again...”

     Hotaru reached out, running her fingers over the smooth wooden surface. When her fingers glanced over the strings she could feel them vibrate slightly. Tony rushed to release the strap holding the most narrow part of the instrument, keeping it secure in the case. Somewhere, deep in her mind she knew it was the neck, but she didn't remember why she knew that.

     Memories were a funny thing. She remembered so little and normally, she didn't think about it. The here and now was what mattered. Remembering Tony as he was, as they had been did no good really and so she didn't dwell on those things. He was a man now, no the boy he was when she was taken. He didn't force her to try to remember, he just accepted her as best he could.

     This was different. This was something tangible and unchanged from a time long ago, from a time Before. She didn't think of the time Before, even as her breath hitched as the instrument was pulled from the case. Loki's hand on her am was ever so constant and the chill grounded her. She wondered if he knew that, if he would believe it. How he seemed to hate the chill that clung to him.

     “It's not the one you had.” Tony offered it to her as he spoke. Shaking fingers took by the neck and body. “That one would have been too small and...I tossed it.”

     The admission stung his heart. He regretted it from the moment he realized who she was. Tony waited for her reaction to it, to hearing him finally admit what happened to all of her things in the time After. Would she be angry? Would she ask how long he had waited? Surely, he didn't wait long enough since he had nothing of hers left. Forever should have been how long he was willing to hold onto her things, onto hope.

     He was a weak man, he knew that. He had been for a very long time, in the time After. Even as he tried to be stronger during the last few years, he was a weak man. It was only now that he had her back, that he had her simple acceptance that he was beginning to be strong. He owed her his thanks for that, as well as Thor who made him see when he did not wish to.

     She only spared him a glance as she again ran fingers over the strings and down the body. What had gone on here, in his world in the time After didn't matter. Why should it matter? The girl she was Before was gone. Dead. Long buried in the graveyard of her own mind. She had to let that girl die, eventually in order to survive. To keep her alive was to keep the memories alive, to keep remembering. As long as she remembered, she had hope and hope gave her nothing but pain.

     Hotaru couldn't say if the girl from Before could be revived, resurrected after all these years. She didn't even know how long she had been gone for, time had meant nothing to her in a very long time. Tony didn't ask her to be that girl from Before, though she had seen the hope in his eyes. She wouldn't tell him that she was gone.

     It wasn't something she felt the need to say. If Tony knew, he knew. If he still had hope, who was she to take that from him? While he offered her no pressure to be as she was, did it really matter? So long as she wasn't being punished, did it matter?

     Loki reached around her as she cradled the body of the instrument in her hands and with a delicate hook of his long index finger, he plucked the string and the violin came to life, singing a sweet song for a short moment. When it ended, she hesitantly did the same, it feeling somehow...right.

     Loki took her left wrist in his hand and softly pulled it up the back of the instrument, until the neck rested in her palm. He then guided the body to rest on her left shoulder. It didn't look exactly right to him, the movement would be limited, if he was correct in his assumption of how it was to be handled.

     Hotaru watched his hands as they pulled her into position. Softly, his hands returned to her left hand, pulling her palm down and straightening the wrist so the neck rested in the crook between thumb and fingers. It was then finally that Loki glanced over to Tony who was watching intently.

     “I must confess, I am simply making assumptions based on what we have in Asgard.”

     Loki didn't think about the game he was intending to play when his eyes met the other man's. He didn't consider or worry about the reactions he may receive. He didn't spare a moment to hope to be nettling the other man. He simply was lost in this moment, in this room with the Little Light in front of him.

     “Close, actually. Just...” Tony considered for a moment, thinking back to what felt like a lifetime ago before he reached out, pulling Hotaru's hand a little bit further up the neck, closer to the delicately carved scroll. He surprised himself, how calm he was as his hand neared Loki's. With a deep breath, he pushed the thought, the desire for a scotch aside and pressed on. He could do this. He had to do this.

     Something was still off and it took him a moment longer to see it. Finally he took her left elbow in one hand and braced the scroll in the other. “Just shift it a bit...That looks better.” He pulled the arm and shifted everything out from in front of her, just a bit.

     “Rest your head down on it, Little Light.”

     Loki's voice was low in her ear as she complied. The nickname he used surprised Tony. While everyone else made references to her being a light, being their light this was as close as he'd ever heard Loki come to doing the same. Most of the pet names he used were clearly referencing her small size, the meaning behind her name or the one he hated most, 'Dear Heart'.

     “That's it, relax onto it.” Loki's eyes again flicked up to Tony for confirmation, even as he smiled down at the girl.

     How the God hated being unsure but that wasn't something he could dwell on at the moment. He didn't dare. Rather, he focused on her, the Little Light under his care. Later, he would learn all he could about this 'violin' so as to be able to assist her better but for now, he had to trust into her brother for guidance and confirmation. While he did like the fact, he found it much less distasteful than he expected.

     “You hold it with your shoulder and chin.” Tony confirmed as she looked up at him unsure. Behind her, she could almost feel the weight of Loki's presence behind her along with that chill that she had grown to crave. “No, don't grip it. Just relax. Your head weighs enough. Yeah, like that. Now take your hands off, it should stay.”

     “If it should fall, I will catch it.” Loki offered and she was amazed at how well he could read her. Perhaps with him, she didn't need a voice. With one last breath, she took her hands off the instrument and while it shifted a bit, it did not fall. Yet again, it felt right.

     “Good, good. Now put your left hand back. Do you remember where you had it?” Supporting the weight of the instrument, she could not even use her head to communicate but Tony was already moving back to the case. “Loki can help you, if you need it.”

     His large hands again corrected her when her hand came to the wrong place. With a slight pull he straightened her wrist and pulled her fingers out to hover over the strings. It was odd, the violin was so light and yet it felt heavy on her shoulder, under her hand.

     Tony turned back to them with a long wooden stick. She knew it was to make noise with, she knew it was the bow but she did not know why or how she knew. Tony took her right hand in his and wrapped her fingers around the bulky end, resting it in her palm. He twisted her wrist and arm so the stick was extended out and facing up. The hairs on the bow had been pulled tight.

     “I know this is off. We'll get it figured out but for now, it doesn't matter.” Tony murmured as he came to stand somewhat behind her, closer to Loki. Another deep grounding breath, another craving for scotch ignored and he pressed on.

     “I remember mom teaching you some of this. Elbow goes in and out. Shoulder only goes up and down. You always tried to pull with your shoulder and she'd get so frustrated with you. Howard made you press it against a wall once, to keep you from doing it.”

     Tony pulled her arm through the movement in the air a few times. His larger hand felt strong wrapped around hers and over the end of the stick.

     “I had the store tune it up, so it should at least be close to right for now. Let's try it on the strings, what do you say?” She looked at him, then back at the instrument, allowing him to guide her still. Loki's hand remained, just over her left hand, prepared to catch the the Violin should it fall.

     With that, Tony pulled the bow across the strings. What happened next was not what anyone had expected. What did they expect, exactly?

     Well, they expected sound for a start. That's not to say the draw of the horse hair across the strings was silent. It did manage to make a tad more noise than what came from Hotaru's throat so they did have that going for them. However, it was a whisper of a sound, strangled and dying. Hardly there and quick to fade.

     It reminded Hotaru of those she had shared a life with, so long ago. But it wasn't that long ago at all. It only felt like it was another life time but it was hardly more than a handful of weeks. A short month, a bit more, maybe less. Those memories were suddenly so close that she could smell the damp of the cell, the decay of the bodies. She could feel the bars, how they pressed into her back. The buzzing of the flies filled her ears and just like that vacant, hardly there sound was such a tangible thing. She could see that sound, the truth of the sound reflected in their eyes. The eyes of those that still lived but had stopped living already.

     And then it was gone.

     “In Asgard,” Loki's voice filled her ears and suddenly it was all there was. His voice was all that mattered. His voice pulled her back. Just like that, she was back in the small room, the warmth of Tony's hand surrounding her right hand and the chill from Loki seeping into her left. On her side she could feel heat from Tony yet she could feel behind her, the cool of Loki, as if he was a window left cracked open to let the air in, fresh and full of promise of freedom.

     “They would cover the hairs with a powdered rosin made from the sap of the elder trees. New hairs would be ghostly silent until it was applied.” Hotaru remembered this. Not powdered but a block, hard and strong. It was simply there, in her mind as if the knowledge had never left.

     “I forgot about that.” Tony laughed to himself as he rummaged in a pocket in the case. It surprised him how he had begun to relax around Loki. Maybe...Just maybe if he had her between them, if she was their focus he could do this. If Loki cared for her, if she cared for him, maybe Tony could let her have this. He needed to let her have this.

     “Okay. So, this is what the guy liked but he said it's a personal choice so if you end up wanting to try others we can get you more. All different kinds. I can buy you one of each, no big deal at all.”

     Tony pulled out a little black case from a white box. Flipping the top open, inside was a dark gray cake that shimmered with silver flecks. Taking the bow from her, he ran the hairs along the surface of the cake and somehow, Hotaru knew that wasn't going to work.

     She lowered the body of the violin from her shoulder, letting the neck rest in Loki's hand. Somehow, he knew what she wanted, just like he seemed to always know, and he took it from her. With her hands freed, she took the little black case from Tony and scratched at it with her nail. It didn't do any good, her nail wasn't strong enough.

     “The surface must be roughened.” Loki supplied. “That is why they used powder in Asgard. A solid cake however seems far less a mess.”

     Hotaru watched as he produced a small dagger with a flick of his wrist. There was no shimmer, no glitter of sparks like when he sent the book away. The knife simply came into existence in his hand, yet she was no less memorized by it. When he held the violin out to her, she took it and allowed him to take the cake of rosin from her.

     Carefully so as to not destroy it, Loki roughed up the surface, dragging the blade along the surface. It took little effort and much control, his dagger was far too sharp for the task but the job was done and the dagger was gone just as suddenly as it had arrived. Loki held his hand out to Tony for the bow.

     “I guess I don't need to tell you not to touch the hair.” He didn't fully expect for the man to hand it to him. Yet he did.

     “I'm already aware.” Drawing back on lessons he hadn't thought of since he was hardly more than a boy, he wrapped his fingers around the heavy end of the bow. “This was how it would have been held in Asgard.”

     “Pinky up, in the nut at the end.” They had all forgot Natasha was there, watching silently with a small smile on her face until she had spoken up. Both men were thankful for her silence, for her standing back and allowing them this.

     Loki was quick to adjust. The balance was better that way, the wobble in the length of the stick better controlled yet he could see it being a tiring hold for Hotaru to master. With a few smooth strokes, he ran the length of the hairs across the surface until he could just see the slightest powder on the hairs.

     Giving the bow back to Hotaru, he helped her adjust her hand and fingers into position. He could feel as the pad of her palm was tense, struggling with the weight of the bow and smiled. She would have to get stronger, it would take time but she would manage.

     He then helped her get the violin into position once again. Everything he did under Tony's watchful eye and for a moment, just a fleeting moment he thought of how this could play into his game and then the soft smile on her face as she looked down at their hands together on the neck caught his eye. Did the game matter?

     Loki released the hand holding the bow and Tony was quick to replace it. The quick contrast between the cool of Loki's hand and the warmth of Tony's drew a shiver down her spine. Slowly Tony guided her bow down into the strings, resting her hand near the body of the violin.

     “This one is G.” He tilted her elbow up and Loki had to shift slightly to not get caught on the tip of the bow as it pointed toward the ground before he shifted her arm down slightly.

     “This is D,” The bow was almost level, still tip pointing down. Tony again shifted her.

     “This one is A.” The tip now pointed up a bit and they sifted one last time.

     “This is E.” Tony's voice was warm and he laughed before he spoke again. “I always complained that this one sounded like a dying cat.”

     As soon as he said it, Hotaru knew it was true without any doubt. She knew he hated when she had to play on that string and would complain insistently. She knew it as surely as she knew the sky was blue and that water was clear, even if she couldn't remember it, couldn't picture it. Another little pebble, hardly even worth calling a memory.

     Tony shifted her arm back so the bow rested on the string he identified as D and slowly, he drew her arm back and together they pulled the bow across the string and the violin again came to life in her hands. It was a bouncing sound, unsteady and unsure just like her but it was alive and it sang so sweet just the same.

     Loki watched and felt. He felt and watched. Feelings flew through him, strong and pure, so much like their source. He felt her wonder, her amazement and most of all, he felt her pure and unbridled joy. He didn't need to look at her to know her face was split in what he found to be a blinding smile. Never had he been so thankful for his simple curiosity that had driven him to follow them and brought him to be a part of this.

     As they reached the end of the bow, Tony let go of her hand. He expected her to set it down, for them to be done and him to go over her what Jarvis could do, the lessons he downloaded and coded, that he could have a flesh and blood teacher brought in if she wished.

     Instead, she put a little weight on the tip of the bow in a way she knew it needed, even if she didn't remember why or how she knew. It was as if every pebble of knowledge she uncovered sent ripples through a pond. Ripples that uncovered a few more pebbles. She took a deep breath and pushed the bow up, a little faster now. She held it steady, tried to control the bounce and keep the weight even. The sound was stronger this time, more even and a tear slipped down her face as she reached the end of the stick again.

     She handed the instrument and bow to Tony in a hurry and harshly wiped at her face. It didn't make sense that she was crying. It had been so long since she had shed tears. The feeling of the wetness slipping down her face was foreign and she cursed the little pebbles of knowledge that she kept finding.

     These pebbles of knowledge, these fragmented almost memories of Before unsettled her. She didn't expect to find them. She was fine without them. She didn't need her memories. She hadn't needed them this whole time. They didn't matter.

     Part of her wanted to run from them. Part of her wanted to cry harder, even as she pushed the tears away. Part of her wanted to latch onto them and see how much more she could remember. Part of her didn't want to remember anything else of Before. Because remembering would mean truly understanding what she had lost, what had been taken from her. If she would survive that, if she would be able to grieve and return with her sanity intact, she did not know. And really, what good would it do?

     If she could remember, if she could fix herself to be as close to a normal person as she could, would he want her? If she remained broken forever, would he want her? There was nothing she wanted so bad as she had wanted him to want her.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovies. I normally save my chatter for the Tumblr post because this place feels so much more formal when I post. But I've got warnings I've got to pass out for the chapter as it may be triggering to some.  
> Warnings: This chapter will have some of Hotaru's memories. Not all are good. It will go over some of the things she has experienced and done in order to survive and why. Topics touched on in this chapter, somewhat briefly are: child sexual assault, human trafficking of a child, miscarriage, stillbirth, infanticide (the murder if an infant for those not familiar with the word). Hotaru's past sucks. I know we've had some fluffy chapters and you will get fluff in this chapter but please be aware.

Hotaru lunged at Tony, holding him tight with her arms around his body as he held the violin out by its neck and the bow in his other hand. She nuzzled into him and he could feel the wetness of her tears through his shirt. Carefully, he wrapped his arms around her, being mindful of the delicate things in his hands.

Loki had to bite back the feeling of jealousy that bubbled through him at that moment. She was to hold him like that. Only him. She was to need him. Only him. It was then that Loki began to really understand that he had managed to lose his own game, well and truly.

Instead of ripping her from the arms of another, he took the violin from Tony's hands and strapped it into the case before going back for the bow. Tony watched him over her shoulder as he turned the nut at the end of the bow, allowing the hairs to become slack before handing it over to the god.

Tony knew he needed to talk to Loki, alone. He had words that needed to be said to give him peace. His acceptance needed to be voiced. Yet, the very idea of the conversation that needed to happen made him not just yearn for a glass of scotch but for the whole bottle. All in good time, it would seem.

Loki spared him one last look before turning on his heel and leaving like a cold wind. Long strides took him past Natasha, who even now hung inside the room near the doorway, clear out of the room. It wasn't until he was half way to the elevator that he was sure he would not be followed. With a deep breath he allowed a shade to continue marching down the hall as he himself stepped through a shimmer and into the sorcerer's sanctum.

* * *

Hotaru was sad to see Loki had left by the time she calmed enough to pull away from Tony. She craved his company and while she spent as much time with Loki it never felt like enough. Yet, time like this with her brother was rare, maybe even a first. She waved as Nat as she bowed out of the room, leaving her alone with Tony for what was honestly the first time.

“Hey, Lil Bit?” Tony sounded unsure as she looked up at him.

Her eyes, they looked so much like his mother's. She was so small. Still so very young. But that was a lie. She wasn't anymore. His little sister was a woman grown, even if he had missed out on watching it happen.

No, that wasn't true. He got to see it in fast forward. As much as he had been trying not to see it, refusing to see it, it happened before his very eyes. At first he tried to say he had missed it, she had been a woman grown already. Yet when she was cleaned and dressed, she looked like a child in his clothes. Maybe she was frozen in time? Yes, that was insanity and yet he tried to convince himself that it was true. That she would always be the child.

Yet it was happening now. As hard as he had tried not to see it, it was happening. As he looked down at her, she hardly looked like a child any longer beyond her short stature. Everyday she filled out more and more. What was once hardly more than skin on bones began to thicken, curves began to gather. It seemed to happen so fast, that she went from child to woman and in reality, it was. She still had so far to go, yet he did not look down at a little girl and he couldn't continue to pretend that she was.

'Tony?' He swallowed thickly and Hotaru watched as his throat worked.

“Come here, Lil Bit.” Tony pulled her into his arms and held her tight against his chest. “I need to say something. Or a few somethings, maybe. But I can't if I'm looking at you. So, just let me hold you while I talk, yeah?”

Hotaru's hands were pinned against him, preventing her from doing more than twitching her fingers. She settled for nodding. She would have thought that being held so tightly, confined and restricted would have been unsettling. That it would remind her of things done to her in what sometimes felt like the distant past. Yet, it did not.

“I've been babying you. And pushing you away at the same time. A talent I didn't know I had.” His laugh was hollow.

“I've wanted to see you as nothing more than a kid, nothing more than my baby sister. And then I see you with him. All the things he has done, all of his sins and he has the nerve to smile at you and I hate him. God do I hate him. But not for the things he did, isn't that the weirdest? Not for New York. But because he has the nerve to smile at you. Because he dares to see you as sometime I tried not to see myself, a woman. I don't want to, but I've got to let you grow up. I have to because I can't stop it. I have to let you be happy and find your own way.”

While Tony rambled on, she slowly worked her hands free from his chest and wrapped them around his back, holding him to her. She could feel the shaky breathing as each breath seemed to rip through his body. Here he was, pouring his heart out to her and she felt so very dumb.

Hotaru didn't know what it meant to be a woman, what it meant to grow up or to be a child. All she knew was that she felt like somehow she was both. She saw in herself just a hint of what a woman was, a hint of the things she saw in the women on TV, in Pepper and Natasha. Yet she also sat cuddled with Loki, entertained beyond words by children's stories.

“Do you love him?” Tony asked finally, still holding her to him. He felt when she shrugged and finally gave her room to pull back some. It freed her hands so she could write on him somewhere other than his back where he surely wouldn't be able to understand the writings.

'I don't know what love is.' Tony blinked at the top of her head before asking Jarvis to translate. He was the worst at reading when she would write on him, regardless of where she wrote it.

“You don't have to know, Lil Bit. You just feel it.”

'How would I know?' She wrote first before changing her mind and writing again wile Jarvis spoke her words. 'It doesn't matter. He sees me as a child. He'd never want me.'

“You don't see how he looks at you?” Tony scoffed at her. “I guess that's normal. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just keep doing what you're doing.”

Hotaru nodded at him, unsure of what words she wanted or needed to say. It was odd having Jarvis give voice to her writing.

'How will I know?' the question didn't even make sense in her head as she wrote it but her mind was jumbled, scrambled with emotions running raw. It seemed her world was turned upside down yet again.

“Just follow your heart, Hotaru. We'll always be there for you, no matter what comes of it. We love you, the whole team does. I know sometimes I fuck things up, I'm good at that but I'll always be there for you. I will always love you and now that you're home, I'm going to do better, just be patient with me.”

'I love you too.' Hotaru knew he needed to hear it, even if she didn't know what it meant to love. She knew she cared for him, she worried about him, his safety. She wanted him to be happy. Could what she felt for him be love? It wasn't the same as what she had felt for Loki. Was there different kinds of love? Could one love multiple people differently?

“You'll figure it out. You're a smart one, us Starks always are.” Tony rubbed her back before pulling away. Before stepping fully out of her reach, he rubbed her arms. “I'll figure my shit out too, honest. I promise.”

* * *

 

Hotaru felt good. She couldn't pinpoint why exactly. Perhaps it had to do with the things Tony had said to her. Or maybe the gift of the violin. Regardless of what it was, she felt good just so long as she stayed busy.

It was when she would stop what she was doing that the nagging thought of her memories came back to her. Was it worth it to try to remember? More often than not, she tried not to. It was better not to stir up old memories.

Yet, when night fell and she sat alone in the living space, she thought and tried to remember even as she knew better. The warmth of her mother's eyes would come quickly to mind. Hotaru remembered the pride in her eyes as she stood, being announced as the winner of some thing or another.

She remembered wanting Tony to be there. The sadness of being cast aside in favor of college friends. The weight of the one person who's approval she so desperately wanted was too busy for his little sister and she remembered how that had hurt. It wasn't hard to remember how he so badly wanted their father's approval, even as he was ignored and pushed aside, never good enough.

Yet those were not the only memories to come. They were far and few between. What she remembered most was the feeling of the mud, how it sucked her shoe off as she ran. The feeling of it between her toes as the rain slicked her hair down into her face. She remembered pushing at it angrily and hearing the sounds of the road, even as she couldn't identify what they were. She had to get away.

She remembered the faces of the men who came for her. The way she was taken to a large house, washed and given a fancy dress and fed fine foods. The food was some of the best she had ever eaten. Hotaru thought these people were going to take care of her, protect her and take her home, take her to Tony.

Then they took her downstairs. Men in masks pushed her around, examined her. She felt like livestock and it was terrifying. Silk ribbon was tied around her wrists, though she could never identify who had placed it.

Fine clothes were ripped from her body as if they were worthless. She was shoved up on a stage, naked and violated. It was there that she was sold for the first time of many times. Tears fell down her face as she stood, being looked at like a piece of meat. People- no these were not people- they were animals, were shouting things that should have never been said to a child.

Her mind jumped to the next horrible memory, the next thing she didn't want to remember. The woman's screams of pain, muffled by a pillow. They needed to keep her quite, if she made too much noise they would all be punished.

It should have been a happy thing. It should have been a blessing. It was a curse for them, when that newborn baby slipped into the world. It would have been better if it had been born still, silent. This wasn't the first babe to be born by a slave in this house, it wouldn't be the last. None would live longer than a few hours.

It was better this way, to dispatch it before the master found it. It hurt, what they had to do. It haunted them all each time they had to do it. They learned early on that it was better to do it themselves. Otherwise, the master would punish them. Master thought it was a failure on a slave's part to birth a live baby. That it was a sign that they took too much rest, too much resources.

What Master would do to the baby would be worse. It would be painful. It would be a demonstration of power. It was better to free the baby from that pain, before it could come to pass. It was mercy. No one was going to come for them. No one was going to save them. Never would she forget the empty eyes of a newborn baby who had moments ago been so full of life, of promise. If only it had been born to a woman outside.

Trying to remember was a mistake. She shouldn't have gone down this path. It was better not to try and remember. She just wanted to remember the good times, the happy times. She just wanted to remember Tony. But these cursed memories were mostly what would come to mind. Was she so cursed that she couldn't have back the happy memories.

“Why do you cry, Little Light?”

A cool finger first wiped her tears from where they collected on her chin, dripping onto her lap. She hadn't realized she had been crying, nor did she know when she had started. Large gray eyes blinked, pushing a wet tear free as they focused on Loki. His fingers ran up her cheek, wiping up the trail of her tears before he rested his palm on her cheek.

If he would ever cease to be amazed when she leaned into his touch, he should be killed on the very spot. She was a blessing, an angel found in the dark. As she rested her cheek in his palm, he rubbed away the wetness under her eye with his thumb.

'I was just trying to remember.' Fingers trembled as she wrote.

“What did you wish to remember?” He was keeling on the ground in front of her, she realized, brows slightly knit together.

'What love is. What before was.'

“Before?” She surely must mean before she was taken. Before her life went off course. Before. It made sense, that she should have it compartmentalized in such a way.

'I can't.' The words were sloppy.

“Little-” Fingers worked over his arm, spelling out words and cutting him off.

'I can't remember more than bits. All I can remember is after. I'm broken. Tainted. I can't talk. I've killed. I don't belong here. I don't.'

His hand gripped hers plucking it from his arm and halting her rambled writing as he sat himself next to her. Strong arms pulled her into him, against his chest and into his lap. A groan tore its way out of his throat as the sheer warmth of her body seemed to sink into him. He could help her but in all honesty Loki wasn't sure if he was ready to see the things he would have to wade through to find the memories she wanted.

“You are no more broken than I. You are no more tainted than I.” Large hands rubbed her back.

'Everyone here saves people. You save people. I just-' Again he took her hand from him, holding it still and preventing her from saying more.

“Everyone here has killed. Everyone here has taken a life. Some more than others. Each carries the burden, the guilt differently. Each had their reasons.”

She tried to take her hand back, to speak more.

“No. You will listen. I've killed. I'll kill again. I've killed a man in front of you, Little Light, have you forgotten? We are no better than you. Perhaps, lives taken isn't what this is truly about?” Finally she was allowed to write again.

'I don't think I'll ever be better. Be good enough.' A sob tore its way out of her throat, silent as everything else.

“Why?” He pressed.

'I'm tainted.'

“Because you are silent? Because your hands have blood on them? Or because your virtue was stolen?” To him, she was worth more than the purest maiden in Asgard, one of high breeding and intact virtue. She was worth more to him then all the princesses and queens in the nine realms.

“Look at me.” He commanded her and it was in her very nature to obey. Some small part of him was pleased with how quickly she pulled back so she could look up at him.

“You are everything.” Another tear spilled down her face and Loki was quick to wipe it away. Tears had no place on her face.

“What could you possibility not be good enough for?” The words came from his throat as a whisper, not intended to be spoke aloud.

'You' She didn't really mean to write it but somehow her fingers worked over his heart on their own accord. She held her breath, looking down. Looking anywhere but to him really as he sat, arms wrapped around her back.

“Me?” One arm fell to her lower back where his thumb began to rub. It was a distracting feeling. His other hand moved under her chin, dragging her eyes to him. “These tears are for me?”

When was the last time someone shed a tear for him? Was it when he disappointed his mother? Surely, she had no tears left by that point. Yet, in front of him this little woman, this dear light would shed tears over the idea of not being good enough for him.

When she nodded softly he was floored. Now wasn't the time to think. Now wasn't the time to plot. Game pieces didn't matter. Who was around, where they were or the odds of being seen did not matter. Nothing else mattered. She cried for him.

“Hotaru,” The gray of her eyes were swallowing him whole. “May I kiss you?”

She didn't pull away from him. It felt like she was frozen in place. Loki watched as the pink tip of her tongue darted out, wetting her lips and his breath hitched. Eyes darted to his lips and she tried to remember if she answered him.

His lips were on hers and if she had answered or not no longer mattered. They were soft against hers as his fingers uncurled from under her chin. Long fingers danced down her jaw and made their way to the back of her neck, tangling into her hair. She braced herself against his chest, feeling the rise and fall of it with each of his breaths

A sigh pulled itself out of her chest, lips parting as Loki moved his thin lips against hers. One small hand made its way up his chest, bracing on his shoulder. The tickle of his hair on her hand made her want to feel more. She caught strands in between her fingers to find it was silky smooth and soft as silk.

His tongue slipped itself between her lips and she expected to taste something. Yet it was the wetness and the coolness that captivated her. She found herself wanting for more, needing more. Breath came faster, her heart felt as if it would beat out of her very chest when he pulled away.

“My Light, you are everything.” His thumb rubbed at her bottom lip, so petal pink. “I may have found a way to give you your voice back, should you wish it?”

'Really?' Her eyes grew wide. It wasn't something she dared to dream of, to hope for. Already she had more than she would have dared to hope for.

“It could be dangerous. I don't wish for you to be hurt but it is your choice to make. If you wish to try, we may.”

Her fingers went to her throat, glancing over the stone that told him more than her face could. It told him of her hopes, her fears. It was that very stone that had pulled him to return to the Tower from the stacks of books he had been puzzling over with Strange. The drowning sadness that nearly stopped his breath. He had come to the Tower ready to kill a man, any man who had caused that sadness.

It was almost disappointing to find her alone in the living space on their floor, Thor hovering uselessly in the hall letting her weep alone.

“Little Love, regardless of if we do this or if this works I will want you, always. Trust in that.” Loki pressed when she tensed in his lap. Somehow, he had to decide how to press forward. How does one court a woman when he cannot even so much as leave the tower officially?

'I want to try.' she finally write on his chest. 'How?'

“I'll need time to prepare. When the time comes, Sorcerer Strange and I will do all the work. You but need to wait, Love.”

'Tony will worry.'

“That he will. He is your elder brother, Dear Heart. He'll always worry for you.” Loki ran his fingers through her hair as he spoke, soothing her.

'Can we do it when he's gone?' Tony didn't deserve to worry. He already did so much for her. There was already too much weight on his shoulders. The pain in his voice, the way he clung to her was still too fresh in her mind.

“That we can, Love. But you must rest while you wait. We need you strong if we wish for this magic to have a hope of working. Go, rest Little Light and I will see to it the preparations are begun.”

Hotaru didn't want to go. Not without him. Yet she knew she couldn't have him in her bed again. It was an accident that it happened at all. Now that he was hers she didn't understand the rules, but she knew that she already wanted more.

The desire for things she could not even put name to scared her and so it was better that she go alone, if that was what he wished. Yet her eyes settled on the thin line of his lips. She noticed how while both were thin, the lower was plumper. What she really wanted was to feel his lips again.

They were cool under her fingertips. When she had reached up, she didn't know. Her mind was lost, adrift and floating away on a cloud. Loki reached up, taking her wrist in his hand and placed a soft kiss against her palm before nuzzling it.

“My Love.” The words were spoken low, nearly a purr that caused her to lick her lips again.

He should send her away. These things were things he shouldn't indulge in, not until he know how he wished to court her. Not until he spoke with her brother. While in the past he never cared for propriety this time it was different.

Rather than let her hair pass through his fingers, he gripped it lightly, using it to guide her to him. Their lips met again and he could feel her sigh into the kiss. Would she mewl and whimper as his lips worked over hers, had she had a voice? As much as he didn't want to, he pulled away while the kiss remained sweet and chaste.

“Go, rest. I'll check on you before the the hour grows too long, my Light.”

With a nod, she got up though knees felt weak. Slowly she walked to the hall before sparing one last look behind her to Loki. His eyes watched her and when they met, she waved at him. Turning back around she nearly walked into Thor. With a bow of her head and a smile, she hoped he understood that she wished him a good night.

“Retiring for the night, Little One?” Thor measured his voice, keeping it low enough as to not frighten her. If she would always fear loud voices, she couldn't say.

Hotaru nodded to him and waved, eager to move on. Though it was earlier than normal, she was tired. The emotional toll that the day had taken was great and her eyes still burned from her tears. Once she calmed her heart, sleep would come easy.

Before entering her room, she hesitated in the doorway. She could hear clearly the words spoken from the living room. Clearly, she could hear his voice, Loki's. It was soothing and rhythmic as he spoke. Though he was not speaking to her, she opted to leave the door open. His voice would relax her and help her sleep. She would just listen to it while she waited for sleep to claim her. Surely, he wouldn't mind.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of the end. I'm sorry.

“Brother, You are courting now? I am pleased!” Thor's large hand clapped Loki on the back as he plopped heavily down on the couch next to the dark god.

“Must you billow so loudly?” Loki grumbled, though he did not make any effort to scoot away from Thor.

“You've spoken to Tony then?” Thor's eyes were gleaming, excitement radiating off of him in waves resulting in a slight electrical charge in the air.

“I've no reason to speak to Stark about anything at all.”

Loki was not ready to do this. He had other things, more important things to contend with than dealing with Thor. Things would be done in his own time. He had all the time in the world to speak to Tony, to announce a courtship and request his blessing. First he needed to see to the matter of restoring her voice. If speaking would bring her but even a measure of peace, it would be his priority.

“Brother, are you not courting her?”

“Courting who? I've been locked away for the last two years. How should I find a woman worth courting?” Loki rolled his eyes as if the very thought was ridiculous. A chill washed over him just the same. He wasn’t ready for this conversation.

“The Little One, Hotaru?” Thor spoke softer as he pressed on, regardless of how defensive his brother was acting or perhaps because of it.

“Now it is you that has gone mad, Brother. I am a prince. I am a rightful king. She is below me.” Loki made a show of scoffing at the very idea. To play the part of the haughty prince was like pulling on an old cloak, comforting and reliable.

“Loki.” Thor's voice was tight with warning. “I saw her in your arms. With my own eyes, I saw you kiss her not once but twice this very night.”

“She is but a momentary distraction. A toy to pass the time with.” Loki pulled a book out of thin air, wishing to end this conversation. He’d be ever thankful to the Norns of Thor would just drop the topic before things got out of hand.

“Brother, do not dare to speak of her in such a way. You care for her. Mayhap love her even. Why must you fight it? I can see it plain as day in how you look at her. In how you act with her.” Thor was outraged, his voice climbing louder and louder with each statement.

 

Hotaru tried to ignore the conversation. It sounded personal. She didn't want to hear it. It wouldn't do to overstep. Suddenly she had that fear that she would misstep, miscalculate and be punished. Loud voices, anger, they had a nasty way of bringing these old feelings to surface.

For the first time that she could remember, she was happy. It would be best to just stay in her room. When people were angry things were said and true colors came out. It was better to ignore it. It was better to not know.

Yet Thor's yelling drew her from her bed, the sound of her name urging her forward. Somehow, something she had done had caused trouble. She had caused yelling, fighting. It was something she should fix, surely. She should accept whatever punishment was given. Then the fighting could stop.

She hesitated in the doorway, fingertips of one hand dancing over her lips. The other hand clutched at the space in front of her neck. She wanted to go back to the vanity, grab a necklace and cover the scar but the words that were being spoke seemed to draw her out of the room, naked neck be damned.

 

“Why, exactly would I court her, Thor?” Loki had finally had enough and Thor thought it could be a chance to get through to him, to get past the ice he seemed to surround himself with. “She is a human. A broke, defiled human. She'd make a worthy pet in her silence but she'd be old and worn before I'd even had my fill of her. Why, exactly, would I wish to court someone who's life would be over in a very blink of an eye? I have centuries left to live. I will see the rise and fall of human civilizations just as I have before. Do not delude yourself into thinking more of what you saw.”

Loki closed his eyes. She was awake, he knew that much but she wasn't wearing the necklaces. He needed to make sure he wasn't being overheard. He needed to make sure she was safe. He needed-

“So, why then? Why must you toy with her? You well know what she means to the team!” Thor's voice interrupted his running thoughts. He was nearly yelling. His voice was far too loud.

“Why else? For entertainment. The team loves her. Tony loves her. Having her favor nettles them all, nettles him most. I can scarce think of a better way to make them suffer for locking me away, putting me in chains until they feel need of me as if I am some sort of dog.”

“What are you saying?” Tony roared. How long had he been standing there? When had the elevator opened? Loki was distracted, too distracted. He needed to quite the situation before she heard. Before it was too late. He needed to regain control.

“That it is nothing but a game, Stark.”

Best rip the bandage off quickly, should he have any hope of things staying quite. Loki would have to speak with her in the morning. He'd have to wait in her room all night to be sure he was the first to speak to her. If he could warn her, if he could explain.

“Loki, you toyed with an innocent girl's heart, stole kisses from her very lips in the name of a game that only you were aware was being played? Have you truly not grown, Brother? Have I misread you?”

“I trusted you! How dare you!” Tony was yelling, stalking his way to the couch when Loki finally looked up to his audience and his world stopped.

There, standing in the mouth of the hall was Hotaru. She looked so very much like she did when they found her in that moment. Eyes were overflowing with tears and her skin was sickly pail. It seemed that every breath she took caused her to sway on her feet.

“Hotaru.” Once he spoke her name, the silence was deafening for a few moments while all eyes went to her.

“Don't even say her name.” The rage within Tony reached new levels, seeing the heartbreak on her face. “Don't you fucking dare.”

 

One step back. Then another. What was this feeling in her chest? Nothing in the world had ever hurt this much. The pain eclipsed that of having her voice ripped from her. She wanted to be sick, was sure she would be as he stomach heaved yet not even bile seemed to rise in her throat. How her legs still supported her weight, she had no idea.

“Hotaru!”

Loki was standing, calling for her. The look on his face was on she couldn't understand. If she was just a toy, if that was all she was ever destined to be for anyone why did he have that look? In the end she was just a slave, just a toy for others to use, to cast aside and sell when they grew bored with her. If that was what she would be to him, that would be okay, wouldn’t it? That was her place, after all. It was her reason for being, was it not?

“Little One, perhaps you should retire to your room while we discuss things with Loki? There is a misunderstanding, of that I am sure.” Thor spoke softly, as if he was suddenly aware that anything too loud would shatter her.

Could a person shatter by sound alone? She’d heard screams of death and never felt so fragile before

“Hey, Taru. You okay?” She nearly backed into Clint. The look on her face made his heart clench in his chest.

“Hey, Nat?” Turning to look behind him, he called for Natasha as she rounded the corner at the end of the hall.

“What's going on?” Her voice was cold, a freezing chill seemed to settle over her soul when she saw Hotaru, scared, shaking and eyes full of tears. “Svetlana?”

“Hotaru!” Loki called again, even as Thor blocked his path. “My Love, wait! Let me explain! Dammed it all, let go of me Thor.”

“Itty Bitty, lets go eat some junk and watch a movie in my room?” Whatever was going on, Clint knew they needed to get a handle on things.

“What did you do?!” Natasha stormed past Hotaru and Clint, roaring on her way into the living space. “What the hell did you do to my Lana?!”

Large tears rolled down Hotaru's face. She looked at Clint and saw pity and anger mixed. There was yelling and she was the cause. There was upset and she was the cause. There was fighting and she caused it. It was her fault Clint was angry. It was her fault Nat was yelling. It was her fault they were mad at Loki. She was the reason Tony was upset. She was the very reason Loki was fighting with her brother.

It wasn’t right.

They didn't need to be mad at him. It was her fault. She misunderstood. So what if he hurt her? She was disposable, always had been. If he wanted to hurt her, if that was how she could serve him than she would allow it. She just wanted to be good enough. Never in her life had she wanted to serve someone so badly. With no threat of physical pain, no threat of punishment, she wanted to serve him.

“Taru?” Clint's voice broke her out of the spell. She had been slowly walking backwards, him following after her, reaching out to her yet keeping a distance. It was an invitation to go to him, to seek comfort in him without being forced.

“Let me speak to her, dammit. I wish not to harm her, I’ll not harm her. I can give her a voice back but you must let me speak to her. You must allow me to explain! Release me, Thor!”

She didn't want to hear more. She hated the sound of his voice, strained and loud. It wasn’t right, that wasn’t how he should sound. She caused problems. This was her fault. If she would have just been better, they wouldn't have thought she was more than he allowed her to be. If only she just did something different. If only she did things right, whatever the right way was, Loki wouldn't be in trouble.

Maybe the right thing would have been to not be there. Maybe the right thing was to have died that day, like everyone else. Maybe it would have been better if she didn't have a taste of freedom. Maybe if she left now, things would be okay for everyone. Maybe she wasn't allowed to have a life like this. Maybe it was wrong for her to try and be happy.

“Hotaru!” Loki's voice tore through her, even as the sound of crashing came from the living space.

She didn't wait to find out what would happen next. Turning on her heels, she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. The sound of her of her bare feet slamming against the tile floor echoed through the hall. Blood rushed through her ears, she could hear her pulse as her heart beat faster and faster. Rounding a corner she kept going.

“Taru!” Clint called after her, looking between the corner she had disappeared around and the living room. “Wait!”

She didn't want to wait. She didn't want to hear. She didn't want to see. She didn't want to know. She wasn't sure she wanted to be anymore. She wasn't sure what was right or wrong anymore. She wasn't sure about anything.

The only thing she felt sure about was that she needed to run. Getting as far away was her highest priority. If she was far enough away, maybe that would make things okay. In the back of her mind, she knew she should consider that the very thought of running could get her punished. Running always would lead to punishment before. This was the first time in years she had run.

A employee, a cleaning person maybe she was, slipped out of one of the locked service doors. Slowly the door was closing behind her. Hotaru was faster and was able to slip through without stopping it. The woman was startled and dropped her things, key card slipping to the floor to be kicked aside under Hotaru’s feet.

“Hold the damn door!” Clint yelled behind her even as it latched closed.

As she ran down the stairs, taking two or three at a time she could hear Clint pounding on the door, yelling and demanding the keycard. Her foot slipped as she rounded to descend another flight. The slide down the stairs left her back raw and her ankle aching but she saw no blood. On a positive thought, she made it down that flight much faster than the others.

Somehow, she made it down flight after flight of stairs without breaking an ankle. The sign next to a set of doors at the bottom of the next set of stairs read 'alley' and she burst through the doors without bothering to even slow down. The impact against the hard metal rattled through her bones.

The asphalt was rough against her feet. It seemed her feet grew sensitive during her pampered time inside the tower, the pebbles and debris hurt under her feet in a way that wasn’t familiar but she didn't let it slow her. City lights shone from the mouth of the alleyway and she spared no time dashing down toward them and onto the walkway.

A quick look left then to the right told her nothing. There were big buildings and people just across the small courtyard. It was faster to run across than follow the path. Grass was softer under her feet as she flew over the ground, running into Steve as she hit the sidewalk.

“Sweet Doll?” Steve reached out for her and was shocked when she ducked away from him. “What's wrong? Is everyone safe?”

The tears in her eyes confused him. It was wet and threatening rain yet she had no coat. All she was wearing was a black blouse and jeans. There were no shoes on her feet, not even socks. What could she be doing, running from the tower like this? What could be wrong?

“Stay here. I'll fix things.” Steve ordered and she thought about listening, about obeying, she really did.

Every bone in her body told her to do as she was told and stay. Every fiber of her being told her to wait for him to return for her as his order implyed. That was until a window on one of the higher floors broke, raining glass down onto the concrete and courtyard below.

“Get back!” Steve turned to yell before running toward the sliding glass doors.

Clint rounded the ally, coming to the front of the building and began yelling to Steve. He needed to stop her but Hotaru didn’t want to wait to find out what he would say.

A sob tore through her throat her feet took her back away from the imposing building. Again, she ran as fast as her feet could take her. Thunder cracked overhead and she had no way to know if it was natural or caused by Thor. It didn't matter, she told herself.

Tears blurred her vision as she ran, taking turns at random as a mist seemed to settle over the busy city. How long she ran, she couldn't even begin to guess. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days as her feet pounded against the sidewalk.

At some point it began to rain and she couldn't even guess when. The cold drops fell, drenching her hair and making her shirt cling to her. The wetness was refreshing, cooling her over heated skin and soothing her burning lungs with each gasp of air. The people she passed on the streets paid her little mind. God, how her feet hurt more and more with each step. Blood mixed with the dirty water that collected in puddles as the rocks, trash and broken glass found on some city streets and alleyways cut into her feet.

The rain did her the favor of hiding her tears at least. It felt like they would never stop falling. She wanted nothing more than to wail, scream her sorrow to the heavens for all to hear. If only she could, maybe the pain in her heart would ease. As it was, if felt as if the pain would rip her apart while her very heart would implode in on itself. Was that even possible?

If only the hurt would stop. This wasn't worth it. Living wasn't worth it, if it meant feeling this kind of pain. This pain wasn't worth having a taste of freedom. The feeling of Loki's lips on hers wasn't enough to make the ache worth it. Hearing the soft affection in his voice when he spoke those sweet words to her wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth this pain.

Nothing.

With the rain and tears blurring her eyes, she could hardly see. She made a left turn, ran some more. After a right turn she though about resting but as soon as her pace even began to slow, it was as if the pain would swallow her up. It hurt too much to stop though she knew she should. With no idea of where she was going, where she could go, Hotaru was running blindly. If she let the pain swallow her up, maybe she’d die and it would end. Maybe she would have peace from the pain.

The stairs came out of nowhere. It was as if the ground just disappeared out from under her feet, just as she wished. Then the sharp edges of the stairs hit and she tumbled to the ground. A snap was heard but she couldn't say if it was the sticks she landed on or the breaking of bone at that moment. No matter the pain, it was nothing compared to what had taken up residence in her chest.

“Dear girl, are you alright?” The voice sounded oddly happy.

“Look at us, Subject 132.”

A pair of feet moved into her vision. The steel in the second voice drew her eyes up to the cloaked figures. Maybe it had nothing to do with the sound of the voice, maybe it was being called again by that number. It was familiar. It was right. It was where she belonged. It was how she belonged.

“Being free hurts, doesn't it?” The first bent down and she could see that it was a woman.

Hotaru nodded and cast her eyes down. She knew these people. Life had come full circle it seemed and she was right back where belonged. This was her place. This was what she was. If she couldn’t serve Loki, she would serve whoever her masters were to end up being.

“Did you enjoy your time away?” The man roughly grabbed her under her chin and pulled her up to look at him. “How did you like the game?”

Game? It couldn't be? This wasn't the game that Loki spoke of? Surely not? Yet, did it matter? She just wanted to pain to stop. She wanted to hate him but all she could do was wait as numbness seemed to finally begin to seep into her heart.

“Are you ready to return to your rightful place, 132?” The woman asked and Hotaru nodded, slowly standing. Her ankle supported her but it was mighty painful to stand on it just the same.

It was better this way. It was better to go willingly. There had already been so much pain, too much pain. She just wanted it to end. She just wanted everything to end. There was no reason to keep going. There was no reason to fight it.

No reason.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a friendly reminder, the series gets darker here on out and there will be mentions of violence, torture, some death and just a not so good time. I'll warn for anything that stands out to me but overall, I'm placing it on the readers hands to be aware of the nature of this story as I've already said it repeatedly.

“Steve! Turn around and get her!” Clint yelled as he rounded the corner only to see Hotaru’s form retreating in the distance and Steve running toward the main doors while broken glass showered down onto the sidewalk. It was in their favor that it was late and only a few people were milling about, only a few people were cut by the shards.

With a quick change of course, Steve veered to meet up with Clint on the sidewalk in front of the tower. That wasn’t what Clint had wanted and he cursed under his breath. This was bad. Things were going from bad to worse. Why couldn’t they ever catch a break. One break was all he ever asked for.

“Are we under attack?” Steve yelled when he got close, cursing that they didn’t just wear communication devices out of habit. It would be useful to have contact without having to wait to group up.

“No but Loki will be.”

Looking at Steve for a brief second ended up being a mistake. His eyes were only off her back for a moment, Clint could swear and yet when he looked for her she was gone. The dark city streets had swallowed her and on foot they were in no position to give chase when one considered the number of possible paths she could take.

“What is going on?” Steve demanded and while Clint only had a part of the story it left his blood boiling just the same.

 

“I’m going to murder you.” Tony seethed, glaring at Loki who was pinned to the couch by the weight of Thor’s hammer.

“Get on with it, then.” Loki grumbled back.

He didn’t have the time to deal with this. Hotaru didn’t have any of his gifts with her. Try as he may, he couldn’t feel her any longer. She wasn’t in the tower, he could tell that much. When she slipped out of the range of his senses his stomach had filled with a dread he couldn’t even begin to place. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

“Explain yourself, Loki.” Thor ordered, standing tall over the seated god.

“I need not explain myself to the likes of you. Where is she?”

“I’d really like to know what exactly caused this. Break it down for us, Loki.” Steve tried to regain control over a situation that could quickly become violent once again.

“Jarvis is scanning camera footage around the city to find her, not that you give a shit.” Tony snapped, taking a long drink of amber liquid from the glass he had been clutching for the last half hour.

It burned in his throat and made his stomach roll. He shouldn’t be drinking it at all, let alone at the pace he was. Tony knew better but he needed something. He needed something to do with his hands, something to focus on. More than anything he needed something to try and numb the emotions that were waging a war inside him.

“She’ll probably come back in a bit when she gets cold or something if the police don’t pick her up first” Clint offered uselessly. “She has no where to go.”

“And if she doesn’t? If she is gone forever because he just, what?! He just wanted to get his dick wet?” Tony’s anger turned on Clint and no one was surprised.

“How crude. I’ve done no such thing.” Loki’s face pulled in a disgusted frown, offended that in his rage Tony would make a kiss into a bedding. “She’d not have run if not for you lot and you’re yelling.”

“I’ve got to find her.” Tony poured himself another glass of scotch.

“Drowning in drink will do noting to find her.” Thor pointed out, placing a heavy hand on Tony’s shoulder.

“That is correct. Nor will leaving me pinned here allow me to be useful.” Loki snapped again.

“How the hell do you think you can find her?” Natasha snapped, leaning against the chair adjacent to the couch Loki was pinned on.

“I can trace her with a hair and the right supplies.” Loki offered.

“You’re not getting up off that couch this year.” Tony was quick to shut the idea down, earning a growl from Loki. “Strange can do that. Jarvis, call strange and request his presence. Tell him it’s urgent.”

 

“Why do you cry, 132? What did you expect?” The man standing over her naked form taunted as blood dripped from her toes. The chair was hard against her back but she was thankful just the same for something to support her weight when she knew her knees wouldn’t do so.

“Did you have fun on your little vacation?” The happy voice asked.

When she made no move to answer, she was slapped hard across the face. The force of the blow knocked her from the chair, sending her to the damp ground. Mud and blood mixed, leaving her covered in filth.

What had the man expected? It wasn’t as if she had a voice to answer with. One could suppose that she could have indicated with her head but what was the correct answer? Likely either would have resulted in her taking the hit. The pain in her heart made it hard to care much about something as trivial as physical pain.

 

Loki growled at the empty room, at the hammer that still rested in his lap and at the sheer frustration of the situation. It was a feral growl that rolled forth from deep in his chest. The sound would send any creature who heard the noise running for their lives. It did nothing to free him from his current predicament however.

Closing his eyes he cast out his magic, best he could at least with the hammer threatening to crush him. Ever so slowly he let his magic crawl over the floors, soaking into every crack and crevice, ever passage way and vent before moving onto the next floor. He’d done this before and would likely do it again.

Surely she wouldn’t leave the tower for long. Surely she wouldn’t go far. Hotaru would know that it was dangerous to leave. Few knew how dangerous the world could be as well as she. Rumors had already begun to spread that the other Stark child had been found alive though Tony had the good sense to not confirm anything until she was stronger.

Yet, it wouldn’t take much for someone to realize who she was. She had been seen out with Natasha after all. It would just take some digging, some poking around. Had Tony even thought to actively hide her or just not announce her having been found? Would she even think twice about giving someone her name? The world wasn’t a safe place for her. She wasn’t safe outside of the tower alone. She wasn’t safe away from him, where he couldn’t see her. It wasn’t safe where he couldn’t feel her.

Loki was hopeful that when the others returned to the room they would have calmed down enough to let him up. That however was not the case. It was aggravating to be ignored and frankly humiliating to be left pinned to the couch in such a manner. What irked him more was the sheer amount of time being wasted. It seemed to take forever to send his magic out, crawling out of the tower.

It was inefficient and he could easily miss her however his ability to search was greatly limited in his current position. The sheer frustration of it was maddening. Killing every one of the so called “team” he was a part of was looking increasingly tempting as each moment passed.

 

“What is so urgent that you needed to summon me from the Sanctum?” Doctor Stephen Strange’s rich voice rolled out into the room as he stepped through the swirling circle of light and sparks.

“Hotaru ran away.” Steve offered.

“She didn’t run away, she’s missing.” Tony snapped at his friend.

“She left willingly,” Natasha corrected, irritated with the whole situation. “We’ve not been able to find her yet.”

“We figured she would come back after she calmed down at first.” Clint fidgeted with a bottle of water from where he was perched on a bar stool.

“What happened to the necklaces? And why are you pinned to the couch for that matter?” Strange looked to Loki for answers. “What exactly happened? Did the spell go wrong?”

“What spell?” Tony poured himself another glass of Scotch, earning him a pointed look from Thor.

“You’ve not been here recently at all. How do you know about the necklaces?” Natasha was less than happy with the situation as a whole, let alone the slightest idea that there was more going on in the tower than she was aware of.

“I’ve not started to work the magic, she wished to wait.” Loki offered. “As for why she ran, she overheard a… disagreement between myself and others.”

“A disagreement?” Tony scoffed, earning a look from Strange that all but demanded that he elaborate. “She heard you admit that you don’t give a shit about her!”

“Is that so?” Strange’s voice remained calm even as the volume of Tony’s increased with each word.

“Perhaps you’ve had enough drink for now?” Thor took the cup from Tony, earning the man’s ire himself but Tony quickly shifted his attention back to Strange.

“Clearly you know more than we expected, perhaps you should fill us in on what you know about Loki and Hotaru and we’ll fill you in on what happened here.” Natasha stepped in to direct the conversation.

“I furnished Loki with gems that he intended to put into necklaces that would allow him to better watch over Hotaru while away. What happened to them?”

“She left without either of the necklaces.” Loki grumbled.

“How? You haven’t been here.” Steve asked.

“Loki came to me. You can’t honestly believe he has actually remained here, can you? He has been visiting the sanctum periodically.”

“And you didn’t think that maybe you should report that the prisoner who tried to take over New York was sneaking out?” Steam seemed to pour from Tony’s ears.

“As he wasn’t doing anything of concern beyond searching for ways to care for your sister; no I did not.” Strange turned his attention to the God he had almost begun to consider a comrade. “What did you do?”

“It doesn’t matter. I need to find her. Thor! Let me up!”

“He toyed with her heart!” It angered Tony to hear Loki play off what he had done as if it was nothing. “He kissed her then said it meant nothing!”

“You kissed her finally?” Strange’s attention shifted from Loki to the others in the room. “And you believed he cares little for her?”

“He said it was a game. He said he was doing it to upset me as payback for keeping him locked up.” Tony collapsed into the chair.

“Yet, he left the tower without you knowing first to obtain the gems he needed and second to search for a way to bring her voice back.”

“What was so special about those rocks anyway? Couldn’t he have just used any rock?” Clint asked, wanting to draw out more of the truth. “Why did he have to leave for it?”

“They needed to be strong enough.” Loki sneered at the archer’s lack of magical knowledge. “A ordinary rock would shatter if I invested into it even the smallest sliver of my power. It holds enough that I could trace it if needed and be aware of her emotional state at any given time.”

“Why the hell do you need that?” Tony grumbled.

“Because I don’t trust your computer! It wouldn’t pick up on when she would be lonely, scared or sad. She cried alone in the open, did you even know? It was I who dropped the research I was doing in order to return and sooth her, not you. I gave you time to go to her and you did not. No one did.” If not for the hammer keeping him down, Loki would have ripped the head from Stark’s very shoulders.

“As if.” Tony scoffed.

“He was with me most of the afternoon.” Strange interjected. “We’ve been looking into possible ways to fix Hotaru’s throat for the last week however today he left rather abruptly saying he needed to tend to something of importance.”

“Sir?” Jarvis interjected from above, cutting off what would have only been more arguing.

“Find her yet, J?” Tony called out as the room fell to silence.

“Yes and no, Sir.”

“Explain. Show us what you got.”

Jarvis took control over the monitor at the center of the room. A map of the city filled a portion of the screen. Red dots began to populate, each showing a place where Jarvis was able to confirm with video evidence, sometimes illegally obtained, Hotaru’s location. As the AI explained, a red line began to trace between the dots, highlighting the most likely rout that she had taken. It was a meandering path that sometimes twisted and turned back on itself. Another portion of the screen showed clips from the various recordings. Each person in the room was keenly aware of how worn down she looked.

“Based on the condition of her feet, she can’t keep running for long.” Steve pointed out.

“Any idea where she’s going?” Tony asked the AI.

“I will generate anticipated paths based on her behavior thus far.” Jarvis offered. “I’ll have them momentarily.”

 

With a handful of possible paths she could take, the team moved out leaving Loki stranded on the couch alone save for a AI and his own rage. It was hard to say who he hated more, who he blamed more. It was easy to blame Thor, if he had just left well enough alone none of this would have happened. Yet, Loki knew he likely could have managed Thor, should he have continued on his own. Tony was another person he could direct the blame at. If Tony wouldn’t have come down things wouldn’t have gone so out of control.

Yet, none of that mattered. In the end as Loki sat pinned to the couch waiting for the others to return with the woman who had become his Little Light, he knew who’s shoulders most of the blame fell on. He was a prince, raised at court and thus he was well aware of propriety. Never should he have allowed a kiss to happen if he hadn’t been ready to seek approval from her guardian to court her. Never should he have even entertained the thought of courting her, let alone asking her to remain at his side in any capacity when he couldn’t rightfully take her as his.

Loki knew he had no one else to blame but himself for driving away his Light. It was selfish for him to had even wanted to claim her. His greed hurt her. Why must he always want those things he couldn’t have? Surely, she fell among the long list of things he could never have.

 

“Any sign of her?” Steve’s voice came through the communication system.

“None.” Tony replied as he covered yet another possible path Hotaru could have been taken.

“Sir, I have a confirmed sighting as of ten minutes ago.” Jarvis announced.

Once Tony acknowledged the information the AI provided the location information to the team. There were spread out, covering as much ground as they could by both air and ground. Each person wanted nothing more than to find the missing girl.

Tony arrived at the entrance of the park first. Looking behind him, he could see the tower standing tall in the distance. On the ground were red tinged puddles. It could be split juice in the water. It could also have been blood. His mind went back to the images, her bloody feet splashing through the dirty water. It was probably blood.

She would need to be treated to prevent infection. Tony had Jarvis make a note to be sure it was done right away, as soon as they got her back. When his suit removed itself from him, Tony swayed on his feet. Jarvis had been stabilizing and co-piloting more than he had been given credit for.

“Where is she?” Tony asked the empty park, spotting a few cameras situated high on polls. “Do those cameras work?”

“Working on obtaining the footage now, Sir.” The AI paused for a moment before continuing. “The footage shows Miss Stark falling down the stairs just ahead of you, Sir.” Jarvis reported as Tony began walking forward. “She spoke to two persons and appears to have left willingly with them.”

“Who?” Tony asked as he gripped the handrail, eyes locked on the smears of blood on the stairs below.

“I’ll have that information for you as soon as possible, Sir.”

 

“Where is she?” Loki screamed when they walked into the room as he struggled, trying to stand. “She’s not with you!”

“Be calm, brother.” Thor sighed. “We were unable to locate her.”

“Be calm.” Loki mocked, parroting the words back to Thor.

“Jarvis, load up the video.” Tony ordered, grabbing for a bottle of scotch that was quickly moved out of his reach by Thor.

“You need no more, Friend.” The Thunder God turned his attention back to his brother. “I’ll remove the hammer if you’ll assist us.”

“Bloody hell, what do you think I’ve been wanting to do?” Loki was quick to stand as soon as the weight of the hammer was removed, not wanting to wait and risk Thor changing his mind.

“Why is she not with you?” Loki questioned again, pulling firmly at his leather garments, straightening them.

“We didn’t find her.” Clint answered as he sat down on the couch. “Let’s see what the video shows, it probably will give us something to go on at least.”

The room was grew silent as footage played from multiple sources, each in time order. They watched as she ran through the halls of the tower. Gasps filled the room as she tumbled down a flight of stairs, twisting her ankle awkwardly yet she kept on running, only limping for a few moments.

The feed was broken with short time gaps when she was out of view from any of the security cameras. It was amazing how many small portions of the tower were not covered by the video feed, yet no one dared to speak and point out the security flaw.

The feed switched to another view, outside of the tower. They watched as she ran into view, bumping hard into Steve, the force nearly knocking her to the ground. Steve looked down as the others watched her duck away from his hands. They watched as the Steve on the screen looked toward the building, back to Hotaru and took off running as glass began falling in front of the camera.

If only he had grabbed a hold of her. If only he had stopped her. She had been right there.

There was nothing they could do but watch as her bare feet took her farther away from the camera and just like that, she was off Stark Tower property and away from their protection. Seeing the moment that she crossed his property line put a weight in Tony’s stomach that he couldn’t explain.

The video feed proceeded to jump around. They watched as she ran. Puddles splashed up onto her legs and rain fell down on her, leaving her drenched though she never slowed. They could sometimes clearly see the cuts and blood to her feet. The farther she ran, the worse the damage was.

As she neared the park, the bottoms of her feet looked to be in tatters, blood flung around her with each pound of her feet. A low rumble poured from Loki’s chest, drawing Thor’s eyes to him for a moment. The Thunder God was surprised at such a display of both protectiveness and possession from his younger brother.

“She’s been followed through at least half the footage.” Loki pointed out.

“There has been a large black SUV spotted in much of the footage.” Jarvis confirmed.

The playback of footage stopped for a moment as the vehicle was highlighted in multiple shots. With a wave of his hand, Tony signaled for the video to begin playing again. From a side view, the watched Hotaru swipe her arm across her face as she ran into the park.

None said anything as she tumbled down the short flight of stairs but each was aware of how her ankle, the same one she had twisted falling down the stairs inside the tower twisted again. Surely it would be sprained at the very least at this point. More than likely there was fracturing to the bones if not a break.

Slowly, she gathered herself up as two figures stepped up to her. It was the garb the figures wore that caused a chill to pass through the room. Or at least, that’s what all but Thor assumed as he glanced to his brother who had waves of icy power radiating off of him.

It wasn’t often that Loki had allowed his power to simmer just below the surface but now it flared as if in warning to all. While for a reason Thor couldn’t understand Loki wouldn’t lay claim on the Little Light, everything about him spoke otherwise. Each wave of power screamed out that someone had taken what was his. Each wave of power warned that there would be blood paid for the transgression. If only he would just place a proper claim on the girl, call her his and enjoy what little time they had.

Thor realized as he took in the sight of his brother some of the things he had been missing. The little light was human. She was so much less than a Asgardian Lady and while Loki could love her the same and Thor could welcome her just as he would any other, she would whither and die no time at all.

These were things that Thor knew he wouldn’t consider for his own loves. Yet it was Loki who had advised and reminded him of such things many times when he would grow fond of a human woman. Thor was a King and he needed to remember that it granted him such privileges such as ignoring the guidance of his brother. Loki would very likely be telling himself the same things he had spent so much time telling Thor. With a deep breath, Thor filed away his revelation and turned his focus back to the people on the screen.

The figures wore cloaks that were clearly identifiable. They were long and black with markings the team would know anywhere on the backs. The team didn’t need to see the backs to know who they were but Jarvis provided a view from another camera along side the first feed anyway showing what they already knew.

The Avengers had been hunting the group known as the Zealots for months already. Again and again they had failed to find the group’s leader and eliminate them. The group itself was much older and had been a minor annoyance for most of their history. No more troublesome than most cults and managing to avoid the mass murder that often ended a cult allowed them to largely fly under the radar.

The Zealots had been the source of their most recent missions. It was them that had been attempting to summon and control Gods and other beings from other dimensions using power sources provided by Hydra and human sacrifices. The results were more often than not beasts they couldn’t control at all but with each summoning the beasts were more humanoid, more powerful and sometimes the cult even showed some semblance of control over the monsters. It was during a mission to try and capture the leader of the cult that they found her in the first place.

The team watched as Hotaru stood slowly, meekly on the screen. As she walked, she kept her head down. Without giving even a token attempt at fighting it, she went with them. Rooted in his place, Tony swallowed his rage as they watched her climb into the back of the black SUV and drive off.

“Find that car.” Tony ordered.

“Sir, it appears under an overpass the car was abandoned.” Jarvis commented soon after the order was given. “I’m unable to locate any of the party in question after this point.”

On the screen the AI displayed a short clip of the SUV driving under an overpass that blocked most of the camera’s view. They could just see the back passenger side door open and Hotaru’s bloody feet step out before she slowly walked out of sight, leaving nothing but red footprints in the dirty ground.

“Why do they want her back?” Clint was the first to break the near perfect silence that hung in the air.

“I don’t know, no one has been trying to find her. They haven’t tried to hunt her down.” Tony grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Loki and Strange both remained silent as the team bounced ideas, theories and frustrations back and forth among themselves. They tried to understand why she was taken again, why the Zealots wanted her again in the first place. Another topic of discussion was how the cult managed to know she was out in the city and intercept her.

It looked far too perfectly planned out for them not to have inside information. Suspicions were quick to be directed to Loki. It was, after all his words that caused the fighting that drove her to run. It was his fault she left the tower alone. Most of the team did nothing to hide the blame that they placed on him.

She was their light. She was to be their redemption. If they couldn’t keep her safe, one simple girl in their own home how could they say they could protect anyone? How could they hope to protect the people of the world?

They failed her. The weight of that failure weighed thick in the air. The Zealots had almost killed her so many times in so many ways before they had even known her. The scars on her body told a story each was too afraid to ask. All anyone knew is that they somehow had to find her before she ended up dead.

 

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

“Why isn’t it working?” Tony complained as he sat in the overstuffed office chair at the head of the table in the boardroom turned command center, watching as sparks flew through the air, controlled and conjured by the hands of the sorcerer supreme himself.

“It could be any number of magics they are using to try and counter this spell.” The sorcerer finally let his trembling hands fall to his sides, the light and sparks dying out as he gave up working the magic.

“What that means is: He doesn’t know.” Loki offered from his seat. They’d been trying to trace her with various magics for the last few hours and nothing had even shown the slightest hint at working.

“What could they want with her?” Tony’s fingers pounded the table as he thought.

His back was stiff and his joints ached. It was one of the few times he truly felt his age. The way his body complained, creaked and popped with every shift of position, one could easily think he hadn’t left the chair in hours. They would be correct in that assessment. Around him sat those members of the team that were currently not actively hunting for traces of the cult. Thor was seated next to Tony, separating him from the man that he had all but tried to kill numerous times in the last few days alone.

Loki was until recently kept in chains purely for Tony’s peace of mind. Now he simply sat looking almost physically deflated himself. It had been a week of endless, pointless searching and the team as a whole had gotten antsy. Tempers ran hot and quick.

On paper, it could be argued that they had made progress. They had raided more Zealot camps and Hydra bases during the week than they had managed to locate and raid in the past month alone. Each and every member of the team was tired and working themselves into the ground. Not a single one so much as complained about the never ending raids. Each had a driving need to find her, to redeem themselves though they couldn’t say to who.

“They’ve been trying to summon a beast-like god.” Dr. Strange started from his place next to Tony, leaning back in his chair.

“A God cannot simply be ‘summoned’.” Loki snapped.

“Gods like the two of you, no. But perhaps the Zealot’s understanding of what a God is and what you are in reality are not perfectly aligned. What they call a God doesn’t have to be correct by your standards. It only matters that they are trying to summon something powerful.”

“Why do they need to torture people for the summoning?” Tony asked even as his stomach rolled and he tried to put aside the horrors of the bodies he had seen over and over during the week. The Zealots made a policy to kill their captives at the slightest sign of trouble and as of yet, only a small handful had been able to be recovered alive over the course of the week.

Tony wanted nothing so much as to down his drink and pour another. Rather than do so however, he sipped at the amber liquid as the ice clinked in the glass. He was tired and angry. It felt as if he had lost everything again. It was something he didn’t dare say, but he found himself wondering at night if it would have hurt less if Pepper had been taken in Hotaru’s place. Tony wasn’t sure he could believe in a God like so many on earth still clung to but should one exist, Tony surely was damned for having thought such a thing.

On the table in front of them, folders were open and papers spread out. Each folder was found in one of the countless Hydra bases they had raided. It didn’t provide any information as to where she could possibly be but the worn and yellow pages did contain some portions of the magic the Zealots had been trying to work.

Now it was a question if either of the sorcerers could use the information provided to track and locate the cult’s sorcerers. Ideally they would need to locate them when they were not working the magic as the spells called for lives to end during their casting.

They had to find her. They had to save her. They couldn’t be too late.

“These spells all look largely incomplete.” Strange pushed the papers across to Loki.

“Indeed. They keep trying different configurations of the magic trying to prefect the weaving of the spells.” Loki commented, tossing one paper aside.

“You two don’t have to torture someone every time you’re too lazy to walk to the next room.” Tony snapped, “Why do they keep the slaves?”

“I could only begin to guess.” Strange leaned back while speaking as Loki flipped through the papers.

“I believe they are not actually trying to sacrifice anything.” Loki mused.

“Well, in that case they are very bad at ‘not sacrificing’” Tony couldn’t help but try to snark, even now.

“Indeed. I believe I have seen some of this magic before.”

“Where?” Strange asked, always intrigued by the vast amount of magic around him that he had yet to even begin to understand.

“I need to visit the vaults on Asgard.”

“Need I remind you that you are on house arrest.”

“Is maintaining the illusion that you have ever had me under confinement worth risking that the Little Light is in their hands for even a moment longer than necessary?” Loki regarded Tony with a cold stare, they’d been back and forth on the topic all week and he had grown tired of the whole charade. His game was no longer fun. “I will do whatever I must to right this regardless of what you may have to say of it.”

“What did you mean by them not intending to sacrifice?” Dr. Strange drew the conversation back to the more important topic of the Zealots. Loki’s status as ‘prisoner’ had stopped being of interest to him a long ago.

“Perhaps they are using the bodies as a vessel?” Loki offered. “I’d have to research more to be certain.”

“Like those stories Mother used to tell?” Thor was surprised, he’d not thought of such stories in what felt like a lifetime.

“I’d have to look to be sure but perhaps while they think they are trying to create a summoning of an already existing deity from another dimension… I believe this spell is actually trying to accomplish the artificial creation of a God.”

“That’s why they are torturing them...” Strange ran his hand through his hair, pushing back portions that had fallen across his forehead as he had sat bent over the table reading.

“Care to share with the class?”

“Think back to when we found her, Stark.” Strange started, “Did you see the state any of the captives were in before they were killed?”

“I was a tad too busy to bother with sightseeing.”

“They seemed vacant.” Strange corrected, not commenting on the snark as if he hadn’t heard it. They didn’t have time for such things. “It was as if their mind was already dead, leaving behind what was nothing more than a living shell of a person. The few captives we’ve been able to save so far are much the same with perhaps one or two exceptions.”

“A vacant vessel that could in theory be filled with the spirit of a newly created being.” Loki concluded. “Assuming my theory is correct. I’ll be going to Asgard to verify it but they are missing key portions of the spells needed to stabilize the transition.”

“And that means what?”

“That the beasts are created, exist for a short destroying things before burning themselves out.” Strange added.

“Without a physical form to tether themselves to, they can’t maintain a physical connection with this world and implode on themselves. If I am correct, they are trying to tether the beasts to a vacant body in order to create something similar in power to the likes of Asgardian gods yet dependent on the magic to retain form and thus able to be controlled. As of yet, they’ve not been able to do so hence the bodies being left on the alters rather than being used.”

“That leaves the question, why they keep killing the captives?” Strange pulled a new paper in front of him, splitting his attention between it and the Gods.

“I’d assume they are trying to take advantage of the moment right at death where the body still lives but the soul has left. This is all speculation until I can look into matters further however I’d wager to bet that they are converting the very soul into the final power source to draw the beasts into existence and complete the tie.”

“So magical body snatching.” Tony leaned back as Strange nodded in confirmation.

“In the simplest sense, yes.” Loki closed his eyes and leaned back.

If it wasn’t for the rolling wave of power that emanated from him, one would think the action peaceful. The magic hung thick in the air as once again he reached out with his most keen of senses and tried to find the one that had become most important to him. Her life was already so fleeting, the very thought that these half baked sorcerers could steal what little time he had with her filled him with a dread that reached to the very depths of his soul.

“I’ll research this further, see what I can find. You do the same in Asgard and between the two of us, hopefully we can find a way to trace her as well. These sorcerers have access to magics they don’t fully understand and I need to reclaim it before more damage is done. Assuming, you find that agreeable, Stark?”

The bite in the Doctor turned sorcerer’s voice was clear. He had grown fond over the little mouse, just as quickly as the others had. Strange saw in her the same light the others had seen. She was something to be protected. She was something pure. Yet, she was out of the care of the men he had entrusted her to just the same. He could only hope that she would be found alive.

“Yeah. Whatever we have to do. I just- I want her back.” Tony’s voice was soft as he closed his eyes, momentarily the fire was gone.

“We will return her to you.” Thor promised solemnly, seemingly speaking to Tony yet looking to his brother, double meaning clear.

* * *

It felt good to walk to halls of Asgard again. The people whispered, he was a prince returned without so much as a notice to court. Thor didn’t announce any pardoning of his crimes, his mind was occupied with the weight of the missing Light and trying to fulfill his court duties as King as quickly as he could. He wasn’t forgiven in the eyes of the laws of Asgard and so people whispered.

Loki found it hard to care about such things. The click of his boot heels against the solid marble floor gave little doubt to those down the hall that he walked with every ounce of purpose and belonging that he had centuries before. Each turn of the hall, each corridor he knew as well as he knew the back of his hand or the feel of his power resting deep within him. Each stairway was just as he remembered.

It allowed his mind to wonder as he walked. Each click of his heels echoed right along with his thoughts. The whole situation was his fault. He knew that. It pained him but it was the simple truth. If he had just done things the proper way this wouldn't have happened. Yet he didn’t mean to find himself caring for the Little Firefly at all, let alone as much as he did.

It was a waste of time, he knew. He’d even gone so far as to advise Thor against giving his heart to a mortal with such short lifespans before and yet that is the very situation he had found himself in. Without so much as a doubt in his mind, he knew he cared for her. It was far too easy to care for her, to trust her and to let her in.

It wasn’t as if he could court her, as tempting as such an idea was. She would never, could never meet the standards of court. It would be a waste of her short life to train her in the ways of propriety and court manners. Before she could ever hope to have command of the formalities she would have to abide by as a lady of the court and his mate, she would have grown old and her time of passing would be near.

He couldn’t court her. He couldn’t wed her. The most he could ever hope to have her as would have been a momentary reprieve, a short time where he could have a glimpse of what his life could be like if he was anyone else. He could never hope to have a life where he could wed a mate whom he cared for.

No, his life and status meant such was a pleasure he would never have. Forever he would be the second son, not even a son by blood. He had no rights, no claim to lands or title beyond what his king brother would bestow. Until he wed, his status was at his brother’s mercy.

While he had no reason to even think that the power and status he held would be revoked, he was well aware of the constant state of flux that was court affairs. Unless he wished to leave his social and political standing in such an insecure state, he was well aware that he had to pick a mate for her status.

A queen or crown princess with a country he could wed would be ideal. It would grant him status in his own right and solidify relations between the country in question and Asgard. It could bring a rebelling nation into the fold. Who he would take as wife and mate would not be a simple matter of heart. In all reality his heart probably wouldn’t even factor into such a decision.

That was something his King Brother couldn’t fathom to begin to understand. He was a king in his own right and this his status was secured regardless of who he were to wed. With the exception of an uprising or should he willingly abdicate the throne he would always be king until his dying day. It was one of the many ways that the two brothers were so fundamentally different. Thor could afford to wed a woman he loved, regardless of who or what she was and Loki couldn't be sure if doing the same was a risk he could take.

Yet he found himself in a situation where that was something he had no choice but to contemplate. Before he even had a chance to begin thinking about what he wanted, what risks he could afford to take and in what capacity he could have His Light by his side, she was taken from him.

The pain that ripped through his mind as he had tried fruitlessly to budge the hammer, to remove it from him was a vivid memory. If only he could get up, if only he could go and help search for her. If he could leave the tower, if he could just get outside he would have been able to find her. If only he could have gotten outside, he could cover great distance and he would have found her quickly. He could have saved her. It all could have been prevented if he wasn’t trapped. Stuck in place by a cursed hammer that insisted he was unworthy.

All he could do was cast an illusion to save his dignity from the eyes of the tower while he ripped at his hair and yelled at his frustrations. If only he had been more, he could move the damned hammer. He cursed his existence, he cursed his nature. No matter what, he was always less than what he needed to be. If he had been worthy, if he had just be good enough he could have moved the cursed hammer. It wasn’t even a weapon he cared to wield any longer, he simply needed it off his lap.

But he wasn’t good enough. He knew that already, yet he tired and tired. His hands were bloody, nails cracked and chipped from clawing at the hammer. Shifting himself down, trying to move out from under it hadn’t worked. Every time the couch gave a little, the hammer pressed down harder on him as if aware of Thor’s will.

By the time the others returned, he was ready to claw his own body apart. Yet, they didn’t even so much as notice. To them, he looked right as rain. They didn’t even see a hair shifted on his head. With a flick of his power he banished the smears of his blood off the couch and hammer, leaving the only evidence of his activities hidden behind the illusion that covered his body. With measured control, he kept his voice even as they had spoke about their failed search.

Yes, it was his fault but they needn’t know how badly he was already blaming himself. That was something he couldn’t even begin to argue. Statements of his blame were simply brushed aside as if they didn’t matter even as they cut into him more and more each time they were spoken.

He shouldn’t have allowed a kiss to happen when he hadn’t had a chance to formulate a plan. She could never be his mate and wife but he could still find a place for her by his side. He tried to tell himself that he wasn’t truly going to ask to court her before things went out of his control. To do so would be stupid, would put to risk all that he was.

To court her would be to put trust into Thor. He wasn’t going to formally court her, he kept insisting to himself. Tony wouldn’t know the technicalities of court life anyway. Such things wouldn’t need to be spoken of. He could have kept things just how he needed to.

It wasn’t unheard of for men such as he to keep a concubine or a pet as a companion, both while unwed and after having taken a wife. Women hardly ever were permitted the same luxury. He couldn’t imagine casting her aside for another while she still lived and so the distinction wouldn’t have mattered, would it? With a lifespan as fleeting as hers, the least he could do was give her all he could for the short time she would accept him. It would be but a blink of an eye to him and her time would be passed leaving nothing but the memory of her soft acceptance to carry him through the rest of his long life.

So many mistakes had been made during the many long centuries he had already lived but none had he ever regretted more than the words she had heard coming from his own mouth. When he found her, he would tell her the things he should have said. He would say the things he wanted to yell in his panic as he watched tears fell.

He would tell them all what she had come to mean to him. Not a thing would be held back. While he couldn’t promise her anything more than his companionship, his time and affection, he would offer it all to her for so long as she would have it. The only question was, would she still accept him? Or would she finally she the monster he truly was?

It didn’t matter. What mattered most was that she was taken and it was his fault. What mattered most was that he had to find her. What mattered most was that he would find her and return her voice just as he promised.

If so much as a hair was harmed on her head, if so much as a bruise marred her skin he would bring down the true might of his power. No man would be left standing but he would see to it that they had begged him for the release of death before he was through with them. Yes, he knew torture well. Having spent time on the receiving end had taught him more than a few lessons in the art that he would giddily employ.

Large doors were pulled open by guards as he drew near. They didn’t even so much as spare him a look as his long strides took him through the doorway and into the vaults. He walked passed treasures and powerful items without so much as a second thought as he made his way to his mother’s archives.

While much of what was in the vaults could be used by anyone, making the items both valuable and dangerous the most powerful items were the books on magic his mother had collected over her lifetime. While the magical instruction contained within most of them required great power, skill and training to wield, a powerful sorcerer with ill intentions could bring reality itself to an end.

It was within her archives that he hoped to find answers. If his memory served him right, he could find books on the very creation of the gods. It hadn’t always been that Asgardian men and women of great power were elevated to such status. It wasn’t always that they were occasionally born with such innate abilities that made them foundations for the reality of their people.

The first gods were not born but made and Loki found himself needing to know how. Such magic had not been attempted in many lifetimes. To think that human sorcerers were trying to do what could very well be the same magic that gave rise to Asgard’s power was terrifying and intriguing both. Under different circumstances he would even be tempted to allow them to continue just to observe their results over time. However he would not allow His Light to be sacrificed for his curiosity.

Servants brought food and mead when he failed to appear in the dining hall. There was a great celebration being held in another part of the palace, welcoming his King Brother to his home and palace. Nobles would be vying for his favor and the unwed women of the court would be prancing around him in hopes of catching the King’s eye for a spell.

To warm the bed of a king would earn her a notoriety and status in court for now. Yet it was a silly game, all knew when the he took a Queen she would likely send away his past lovers rather than have to look upon their faces. It was a risk the women would take however for hopes that the King would grow fond of them and keep them around or even make her his Queen. At the very least, should he wed and still hold a fondness for her she could hope to be made his mistress and be granted protection from the new Queen.

Loki didn’t care for such trappings and festivities. Though he knew he should be in attendance. Regardless of where his mind and heart was, he should be tending to the duties of court. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to do anything more than hunt for the answers he needed and pray to the norns that he wouldn’t find them too late.

* * *

Hotaru was aware that she hurt. The cold seeped into her from the hard ground and it should have felt the same. How dearly she wished she could feel numb. She tried as hard as she could to forget the warmth of her bed. No, it wasn’t hers anymore and it wouldn’t be again. Maybe it never was, if she believed what she was told. It was better if she forgot what it was like to sleep on a soft mattress and wrapped in the warmth of blankets.

It was better if she forgot the way it relaxed her to feel the warmth of the blankets contrasting with the chill that seemed to always be around Loki. It was better if she forgot what it felt like to think she was safe. If she could forget the way Tony smiled at her full of pride when she progressed in her lessons.

If she could just forget the way Loki’s lips felt against hers, maybe her heart would stop hurting so. If she could just forget what it was like to think he wanted her.

They told her that her freedom was just part of their game. That they wanted to see how it would hurt her if she thought she could have a normal life. It was just another game they played with their pets. Just a game, no different than seeing how many times they could slap a spot before the skin split and blood flowed.

Loki had called it a game as well.

Had she ever been free? Were the things Tony had told her truth? Were her memories of the time before real or simply wishful thinking?

God, how she wanted to forget. If they had just killed her that day, if the dagger never pierced the skull of the man maybe that would have been better. If they had never come, she’d never have gotten a taste of what her life could have been like, maybe it would have been better.

It would have been better if she had never seen Tony again. It would have been better to have never left her cage.

If only she could forget. If only the memories would evaporate. If only the heartache would stop. If only.

Tears fell from her eyes, dripping onto the hard ground. How she had any more left to cry, she couldn’t even begin to say. Yet, somehow even now they wouldn’t stop. Maybe, if she cried long enough the memories would seep from her eyes.

Every time she closed her eyes she saw Loki’s face. In the silence she heard his voice. Even as she drew shuttering breaths she could feel the press of his lips against hers and the weight of his hands. The cold steel around her neck left her wishing for the soft cloth of the necklaces Loki had graced her with.

It was better to just forget. Why couldn’t she forget?


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Death of minor characters, assault and grief.

 

Time had no real meaning to someone when they were kept in a place with no way to measure it. Sure, one could measure the passing of time by the breaths a body took to sustain life or even the tapping of a foot but such methods often were lost as the mind slowly stopped working. That was alright however, because once the sense of time was lost, it stopped hurting to think about captivity.

Hours, days, weeks, months or even years lost their meaning once you took away a reliable way to measure the passage of time. People came and they went. Sometimes food or drink would be brought. One couldn’t measure time based on the feeding schedule however. Occasionally she would be fed when she wasn’t feeling any hunger pangs. Other times she would wonder if finally they’d let her starve to death.

That would be a kindness, to let her die. Of course it was too much to ask for such a thing. Around her, subject after subject was taken away and many did not return. In so many ways it felt as if she had never left. Again she was Subject 132, nothing more.

The crates were covered, barely even letting air in and moved from location to location as needed. Sometimes it felt as if they had hardly been in one place for any time at all before they would be moved again. Other times it felt like weeks or maybe even months. Time had no meaning here and thus, it didn’t matter.

In the cell next to her sat a young boy. He was thin and weak. Each breath he took sounded as if there was marbles in his chest. In. Out. In again even as blood seeped from his mouth and dropped off his chin. He kept breathing and the sound never stopped, even as tears fell from his eyes and silent sobs tore through his body. For a moment, Hotaru thought about reaching through the bars and seeing if she could grab a rock large enough to throw at him.

It would be unlikely to hit the boy, even if she had the strength to do so. If it did, he could survive the blow. Somehow, he was a stubborn one. He was so young yet. It was better if he just died. No child deserved what they had put him through. If she could kill him it would all be over for him. It would be a kindness. It would be the only kindness she could offer him. It would be the last kindness he would receive in his short life. There was no more kindness left for him, for any of them.

If only someone would offer her the same kindness. Here she sat on the floor of an all too familiar cell and looking surely so much like the boy in the cell next to her. A woman rested next to her in the cell they shared. Bony arms wrapped around equally bony legs. She’d stopped shivering at some point and Hotaru had to watch closely to see if there was any indication that the woman still lived.

Looking at herself, Hotaru found her limbs were not yet as bony as the woman’s. Clearly if she’d not lost the weight she had gained at the tower, she couldn’t have been there long. For the life of her, she couldn’t decide if knowing that made her feel better or worse. It took too long to decide and she set the thought aside.

Every time she tired to think about it, it made her think about the tower. Every time she thought back to that time, the time in between as she had begun to think of it her eyes would burn and tears would come. They hardly were given enough water to drink yet somehow she still could cry.

How was that even possible?

“Oh look,” a woman outside the cage sneered. “She’s crying again.”

Hotaru didn’t know when she had begun to cry again or why she was crying. The things she knew were limited. She knew she missed the warmth of her bed and the soft of the mattress. She missed the feeling of a full stomach and what it was to not be hungry. She missed feeling like she mattered. She missed feeling loved. Had any of them even truly loved her?

“You know, they gave you back.” The woman taunted.

It was a lie, Hotaru told herself. They didn’t give her back. They didn’t send her away. She left, she ran. It was her choice. It was her mistake.

“They didn’t want you anymore.” The woman’s voice dripped with venom.

Hotaru tucked into herself as best she could. It didn’t matter, she told herself. She reminded herself of the warmth of Tony’s smile.

“They called us to come get you, you know.” The words were cold.

It was a lie. It was a lie. It had to be a lie. They wouldn’t. Tony wouldn’t.

“Why would anyone want a mute like you, anyway.” The words were sharp.

It was a lie. It had to be. If they were going to send her away, Tony wouldn’t have gotten her the violin. They wouldn’t have spent their time and money on her. It was a lie. But in the back of her mind, Loki’s voice echoed saying those terrible things.

The woman left, for now. Hotaru found herself mighty thankful for the silence or as close to it as one could get in a place such as this. The large stone room somehow felt both empty and crowded. There were surely over 30 people in the room yet they were all kept in cages on wheeled carts, lined up against the wall.

In so many ways it was as if she had never left. The room got just a bit more quite as the rattling breathing from the cage next to hers finally stopped. Looking over to him, she watched blankly as his chest sputtered and fought to rise. The boy took one last gasping breath before the air left his lungs and he slouched over limply.

Hotaru was pleased to see him dead. It was over for him. Finally, he wasn’t in pain any longer. She was thankful to see the body of a child dead and that made her feel like a monster. Would Loki want her if he knew that a child died in front of her very eyes and it pleased her? Would he finally see that she was the monster, not him.

Would Tony be disgusted? Would Natasha no longer run fingers through her hair as they watched some stupid show? Would Clint stop telling her of his wife and children, knowing that she had thought about taking the life of a child herself? Would Steve shove her to the side, no longer even try to reach out to her? Would Thor turn his back on her and walk away?

Hotaru slept fitfully on the cold ground. Try as she may, rest only came in fleeting bursts. Each time sleep claimed her, she was lost to a loop of memories. In her mind scenes and events played out, over and over. Moments in time that she cherished left her feeling all the more broken for remembering. It would have been better to forget them.

The woman would be standing over her, every time she awoke. The green of her eyes seemed to be lit from within as she watched Hotaru. While the reason was lost to Hotaru, she hated that this woman would watch her. It felt as if those haunting green eyes could see into her very mind.

“That violin?” The woman’s voice was cold, always so cold. “We gave it to him to give to you. You thought you were free but we’ve always been there. You never left us. It was just a fun little game.”

Hotaru simply huddled closer to the back bars of the cage and closed her eyes. Focusing on her breathing helped some. The woman spoke lies. They had to be lies. Tony wouldn’t be a part what these people did. Tony said he loved her. She loved him. He was her brother. Tony wouldn’t. It had to be a lie.

Eventually sleep took her again. In her dreams Tony whispered behind her back. Things she just could almost hear. In her dreams missions were not what they were said to be. While she passed her time alone in the tower, Tony was off somewhere assisting these horrible people. Clint and Natasha talked about the ways they would hurt her while she was just on the edge of sleep in their laps.

When she awoke again a man was walking away from her cell. It felt as if she hadn’t slept at all, yet that was normal enough. One doesn’t rest well on a cold damp cell floor. Bars dug into her back as she shifted position as in the distance the man and woman spoke.

Hotaru watched absentmindedly as a woman was pulled from a cell. She fought and screamed. She cried and Hotaru wished she could tell the woman to stop struggling. It was better if you didn’t fight. It hurt less. Defiance meant punishment. Hotaru could do no such thing however, she had no voice to call out with. The smile the woman gave her made her blood run cold.

It was a good long while before sleep claimed Hotaru again. The sound of the woman’s screams and pleas filled the cavernous room and while she couldn’t see what was being done, she could assume it was painful and bloody. They returned the woman to her cell after some time. Blood trickled down her legs and she made no effort to move on her own.

Sometimes it didn’t take much to break someone’s spirit.

The green eyed woman smiled at Hotaru as she shoved the woman back into her cell. Hotaru closed her eyes and breathed. It was all she could do. It was all a lie, she told herself. These people did nothing but hurt people, she reminded herself. They speak in half truths and their words meant nothing.

Yet somehow they knew about the violin.

Sleep claimed her once more, clouding her mind as she listened to the sound of the woman’s boots on the hard ground. Quickly another pair of boots joined her in their walk. Where they were going didn’t matter, it wasn’t as if Hotaru could follow or do anything about it. Things had to stop mattering. If it all ceased to matter, maybe her heart would stop hurting in her chest.

The dream that visited her was comforting at first. She heard nothing but Loki’s voice as she was suspended in the blackness. She could feel the chill that seemed to always hover around him. It felt as if it was reaching out to her. She could feel it but not touch it, no matter how hard she tired.

“I will find you.” Loki’s voice washed over her like smooth honey and she clung to the sound. “I will come for you, I swear it.”

The dream shifted so quickly it was jarring. It was happening all over again. She was back in the tower. It felt so good to be back. It was warm and bright. Everything felt right until she heard his voice.

“I don’t want her.” Loki said, leaning back on the couch with Tony and Thor standing near by.

“Are you sure, Brother?” Hotaru walked in front of Thor and he made no move to show he could see her. It was as if she wasn’t even there.

“If you don’t want her I’ll just send her back.” Tony shrugged as if it didn’t matter. “I’m sure they’d take her back.”

“Brother, she could make a nice plaything. You’ve invested time into her already, it’d be a shame to start over.”

Tears gathered in Hotaru’s eyes as her knees gave way and she fell to the ground in front of Loki. Tony and Thor still didn’t show any sign of seeing her as she sobbed silently. Crawling slowly on the ground she grabbed onto Loki’s long leg, pulling herself up to kneel between his knees.

This wasn’t right. It wasn’t real. It was a lie. Just a lie. This isn’t what happened. This wasn’t what they were saying. It was just a dream. Just a dream, that was all. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.

“Loki? Please, I’ll be whatever you want.” When she whispered his name and the words, they came as a soft plea on her lips. Sound came from her throat.

She hadn’t expected him to respond but his eyes snapped to his and a sneer cut across his face. “It was just a game, Little Light. I never wanted you.”

The force of her sobs caused her whole body to rock as she curled in on herself as tight as she could. It was just a dream, she reminded herself. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t talk and she had said words. She had begged. Yet it was only silence that came from her as she cried, tried to moan out her pain. If she could somehow scream, groan and moan as the others did as they cried, maybe it would feel as if the pain was lessening.

“Did you remember what really happened?” The woman with the green eyes asked, leaning against the bars. “They never wanted you. He never wanted you. He is a god! He is a prince! What use would he have for you? Just a plaything to pass the time, nothing more.”

Hotaru tried not to look at the woman. How she had known of what she dreamed, she couldn’t say. The people here had abilities, she knew that. They could do things that defied what should be normal. They made creatures and beasts out of nothing. They hurt people beyond what should be survivable.

She just needed to survive. Loki said he would come for her. He also had said he never wanted her. He said she was just a game. Those were the words her Masters had been using too: It was just a game.

She just needed to hold onto reality. Somehow she had to remember what was a dream, a nightmare and what was a part of her living hell. She just had to remember. All she had to do was hold onto what she knew was right, what she knew was real. If she let them take that from her, what would she have left?

The pain would never end but of she just could remember. Maybe she could live in those happy memories. Maybe she could finally be free, just so long as she held onto them. Those memories were what mattered after all, right? It didn’t matter if they were a lie, if it was all a game. It didn’t have to matter if they were all in on it, did it?

She had been happy for a short time. She had felt safe for a short time. She had felt loved for a short time. She had loved. That’s all that mattered, right?

* * *

It took a week for Loki to reappear at the Tower. Tony was beyond angry at the time it took and yet for all the resources they had access to they had gotten no closer to finding her. In the initial rush to retrieve her, they had hit many bases hard and fast and while it had felt good to feel like they were accomplishing something, in the end they had little to show for it.

Nights were a trying time in the tower. Small teams would go out hunting, looking for information but those who remained behind felt useless. With each passing day the atmosphere in the tower seemed to get heavier. No matter how many windows were opened, the air never felt lighter.

Tony had been barely coping and Thor had quickly run out of patience for his friend. The man was hurting, broken but ingesting his weight in alcohol was not helpful. Thor had felt almost as if he was acting a parent to a child who had lost their favorite toy and was in throws of a terrible tantrum. It made him cringe whenever the thought crossed his mind. It was not a kind thought and to give into it would do little to help the situation.

Tony was sick, Thor knew it. Everyone in the tower knew it. There was no way anyone could pretend that Tony didn’t have issues with excessive consumption of alcohol at this point. It had become an issue that was at first ignored but soon after the whole team had begun pouring anything stronger than beer down drains as they found it.

No one hunted for the man’s stashes. No one could be bothered that much but each made a point of following Thor’s lead and removing the glasses from Tony’s hand, pouring bottles they stumbled upon out and otherwise refusing to participate in it.

No matter who was in the tower, nights were nearly always quite. Explosive fighting and given way to seething silent animosity as the second week marched forward. None would dare say it but each knew that the longer she was gone, the less likely the were to find her alive. Or at all. Yet they kept looking.

* * *

Each walked passed Hotaru’s bedroom door, every morning and night. Not everyone had to, yet the did anyway. Steve had begun taking breakfast in the living space on that floor. He’d come in by the back elevator and walk down the hall though it was a longer path. No one questioned why.

Some would walk right passed the door, making a point to not even so much as look at it directly. Natasha and Steve mostly were the ones to march on by it. Clint would as well, when others were around. Yet when he thought himself alone, he would rest his hand on the door frame- never the door- and stand in silence. Sometimes he would stand for just a few moments, sometimes it felt like hours as he pushed down the weight of his grief.

He’d think about his family, his children. He didn’t get to spend time with them nearly as often as he would like. It occurred to him early on that if they couldn’t keep Hotaru safe when she lived within the tower, how could he ever be sure that his family was safe? It just took one mistake for it all the be lost. Whenever he’d bring the topic of moving into the tower up to his wife, they would fight.

Now was no different. How could he ever hope to explain to her how having this one girl, someone he had known for only a few short weeks taken from them had turned his whole world sideways. She couldn’t understand. She didn’t know Hotaru. Insecurities and jealousy were things he had no time for, not now when he had to find her. Such things didn’t go over well but Clint wouldn’t return to his family home until she was found. He needed to see it through. He needed to see her safe before her light was snuffed out.

* * *

Tony would stand, resting his head against the door for hours during his darkest times. When the burn for a drink was too much, he would silently cry. Sometimes he would smash his fist against the door and curse everything and nothing. He felt powerless. For everything he had gone through, everything he had survived he found his whole reason for living was to protect the people he loved. He failed.

Over and over, the weeks with her replayed in his head. He wanted to drink until he forgot her smile, until all he could feel was the spinning of the room. At the same time he never wanted to forget the warmth in her gray eyes or the way the sun shone against her hair. Tony found himself often watching footage of her from the tower, when she would sit alone and do her work. His favorite thing to watch, the thing he often was watching when sleep claimed him however was Hotaru sitting at the breakfast bar enjoying whatever the breakfast of the day had been.

* * *

 Thor wanted nothing more than to help his friends. The light was missing from the tower. None could find her, even those with the power of sight. The fact that she was being hidden didn’t bode well. The Zealots knew they were looking for her and for whatever reason keeping her from them was more important to them than the countless raids that had been successfully carried out on their gatherings in the time that she had been missing.

* * *

Doctor Strange made it a point to stay out of the way. He’d come to the tower to compare notes with Loki and provide updates on his search to Tony and the team but beyond that, he found it better to stay away. Yet even he found himself looking for reasons to walk by her door whenever he was at the tower. It was as if the draw of her was still there, as if a little part of her was hidden away. He thought nothing of it, a simple psychological response to grief and stress. It would pass in time.

* * *

Loki found himself standing in front of the door, night after night. He’d hardly slept, the call was too strong. It made no sense, it was simply a physical manifestation of his stress and grief. The others seemed to be experiencing it the same way.

Even still, eventually he couldn’t help himself and he found himself slowly opening the door. Moving with a slow reverence, he crossed the threshold. The air smelled of her even still. Tony probably had Jarvis close the vent into the room to preserve the smell on the off chance he braved going inside.

Measured steps took him around her bed. The curtains were pulled open and the soft moonlight filled the room. The moon was full again, washing everything in it’s pale light. It made everything feel colder in a way it never had before. Loki longed for her warmth. He decided he hated the moon in that moment. It was too cold without the warmth of her to balance it.

It felt as if he were walking through a sacred space. Never had he felt such reverence in a temple on Asgard. The air felt lighter and dust hung suspended in the air. He could breath easier in the space, surrounded by her scent and her things.

She’d never done much to make the space her own. Hardly even asked for much yet there were touches of her all around. Her bag hing over a hook Tony had installed, next to it was a long pea coat Loki had never seen her wear.

His long fingers ran down the strap of the bag before glancing off as he moved deeper into the room. On her desk sat her notebook. Without thinking, Loki picked it up and flipped through pages of one sided conversations absentmindedly. Ever so often he’d pause and read over things she’d said to him or about him.

‘I think I really like him.’ She had written in one spot, though to who the message had been intended was unknown. On the line below sat his name alone, probably an answer to some unknown question.

After some time, how much he couldn’t say, he closed the notebook at set it back in it’s place. His chest felt tight and he couldn’t pinpoint why. He yearned for her in a way he hadn’t another and it was something he struggled to understand. Why did he have to get struck by such desire for one that he shouldn’t have? Did the fates hate him that much, truly?

“Brother?” Came Thor’s voice from the doorway.

“What do you require?” Loki didn’t turn to him. He was exhausted and the thought of expelling any of his energy to maintain an illusion of control was not one he relished.

“How are you?” Thor asked his brother’s back.

“I am fine.” A court answer.

“Why did you lie?” Thor asked softly, still not crossing into the space. The space belonged to Loki alone, in Thor’s mind. She was his lady and her space was his alter to grieve at.

When Loki didn’t answer, Thor continued. “You could have had her. Tony would have allowed it. She loved you, Loki. Did you truly not care for her?”

“What does it matter? She’ll grow old and whither away. She’d never be accepted in Asgard. What would I gain from having her? Not security of title, not anything.”

“I’d not take your title from you, Brother. You have always been Prince and always will be. You’ll always have a place at court, I can put it in writing should you so wish. You could take any you wish as mate.”

“She’d just leave me in less than a century.”

“Is her love not enough to make you cherish every moment just the same?”

“She deserves better. I’m a monster.”

“She wanted you. Though she may not understand it, though she is fragile in so very many ways, she wanted you Brother.”

“I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve her affection.”

“You deserve her love. You deserve her heart, should she decide you worth giving it too. Brother, you have changed. You are not the man you were, even if you can’t see it.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s too late now. It can’t be undone.” Loki picked up one of the necklaces from the table, feeling the soft fabric against his fingers.

“Is it truly too late?” Thor turned and spoke one last time before leaving Loki to his thoughts, “I don’t believe it is, so long as she lives.”

Finally he was alone again. It had felt as if Thor would never leave. His brother’s words echoed in his mind as Loki sat on the bed, necklace in hand. Inside the gem, clutched between two snakes he could feel the threads of his power. They churned and swirled deep within the stone, giving it just the slightest light from within. Ever moving, ever shifting they called out for their keeper but she was not there to answer their call.

Loki thought about pulling the power back into himself. It wasn’t needed yet he couldn’t bring himself to do so. The power that resided in the necklaces was no longer his so far as he was concerned. The stones housed the smallest sliver of himself, given to her willfully in order to see to her protection. She wasn’t there to make use of it but he would never take it from her.

“I will find you.” He spoke into the empty room. “I will come for you, I swear it.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Angst. Feels. Grab a tissue. Sorry not sorry.

 

Tony was actually worried about Loki. The thought was mind boggling on its own. Never did he think the day would come where he would give a shit if the god lived or died, let alone about his sleeping schedule. The reality of the situation was that he did find himself caring as time wore on.

Try as he may to hate the man- and a part of him did- Tony couldn’t ignore how the man’s appearance had begun to change as the second month of their search began coming to a close with still no sign of Her.

Her. They stopped saying her name a few weeks ago. No one talked about it, no one discussed it. It simply became too much to say her name. They simply called her… ‘Her’ or ‘She’. Some silent agreement passed between them, just as no one spoke of the excuses each still made to walk passed her door.

Sometimes, if needed they would utter a nickname of hers but never her name. Never Hotaru. Even the nicknames were used far and few between, always whispered as if to speak it too loudly would shatter all of their reality like fine crystal, taking Her with it out of existence.

It had looked like Loki was coping well at first. Weeks dragged on and he would function well, though he was quicker to anger as time marched on. No one dared go into her room but Loki. Tony couldn’t bare it that Loki entered but wouldn’t dare to confront the man.

At first, Loki would go into the room once a week, twice at most but as weeks passed Tony would notice her door open more and more often and for longer spells. Sometimes Thor would stand in the hall and speak to his brother but never enter. No one else would speak to Loki when he was in that room and no one else would dare enter.

It became Loki’s space. A tomb that held the memory of Her. A grave of what could have been. It was where he dug up the ghosts of his harsh words and allowed them to push the daggers deeper into his heart. It was a torture he deserved and yet Tony stopped being able to take pleasure in it when the illusion that Loki was alright began to slip.

* * *

For Loki, the nights became harder and harder. With each passing week reality was harder to grip. The only place he felt he could think clearly was in her room. Each night he felt he didn’t deserve to be in that space.

It was his fault she was taken. It was all his fault. Even if they could get her back, he didn’t deserve to so much as speak to her again. Not after the way he spoke to her. Not after the way she heard him speak of her.

In the mirror in her room, he caught sight of himself but paid it no mind. His skin was pale with a sheen of oil and sweat that seemed to never wash away. In truth, he couldn’t say when the last time he bothered truly washing was.

Long black hair hung limply around his shoulders, grease buildup showing even his hair was overdue for a proper washing. Dark circles that were beginning to look more like bruises sat under his eyes and his skin was washed out and pale. So pale that even the golden morning sun would do nothing to bring warmth to it.

He looked sick. He looked tired. He looked half crazed. He wondered how much of that was true. Surely, sanity had abandoned him by now. Loki couldn’t even remember when he began allowing his illusions to slip. When did he begin allowing the others to see him as he was? That must be why they gave him such space lately.

As he did nearly every night now, Loki picked up the snake necklace and sat on Her bed. Every night he sat and felt the way his power shifted and moved within the stone. Every night he waited and prayed to the norns that the threads of his magic trusted to her would somehow reach out and tell him where he could find Her. Every night he was disappointed when they did nothing more but twist and turn around themselves.

Eventually with a sigh, Loki would stand when his eyes burned and his mind stopped functioning on the level that had become his normal. When he couldn’t hide from sleep any longer, he would return to his room after speaking one last promise to find her.

He’d never been one to need much sleep yet now he was sleeping nearly every night. Stress, grief and depression would likely be part of the cause but it didn’t matter to him. Sleep was a way to pass the time at least.

While he slept often, it hadn’t felt restful in weeks. He’d not had a restful sleep since he had rested with her in his arms. How dearly he hoped that he would one day get to sleep as such again. He wondered if that was too much to ask for. He didn’t deserve it for all his sins.

Loki had made a decision while he sat and thought, thought and sat for hours each night. He’d take Her for all she was worth, for all She had. She was enough. He needed Her more than he needed air to breath or mead to drink. The need for Her was all that mattered and he was a fool to not see it sooner.

The love for Her made the pain of her eventual death worth it. He’d stay by Her side where ever she chose to make her life in Midgard. Any illusion needed to make her feel at ease, he would cast. Should she wish to have a normal life, he’d allow himself to look to age.

Anything for Her. Anything to have Her. Anything.

Loki dragged himself across the hall, not bothering to put in place the illusion. He’d not had the energy to spare. Every ounce of his power would be used to find Her. It wasn’t worth it to expel the energy.

He couldn’t really remember hitting the bed. More often than not, that was the case. It felt too cold, it always did. It was warmth that he craved and for a fleeting moment he thought of finding a woman to warm the bed for him.

If he buried himself in her, perhaps he could forget the woman he yearned for even for but a short moment. As his red rimmed eyes closed, he knew that a random woman wouldn’t lend to his bed the warmth he craved. She’d never be good enough because she would never have the light his love did.

As his mind slipped into the darkness the morning light slowly claimed the sky.

* * *

Loki ripped open the bars with strength he didn’t know he still had. Blood covered him, ran down his neck, covered his hands and matted in his hair but he paid it no mind. Anything to have her back. Anything to protect her.

When he reached out to her she flinched back but he paid it no mind. He was there now, she was safe. Even if it took time, he would show her his heart. She would see that he loved her. He always had. He always would. There would only ever be her as long as she lived. It was her that had taught him that and he would show her now.

Loki took her out of that terrible place and she clutched to him all the while. Far, far away he took her, the whole time holding her tightly in his arms. As a clearing full of green grass came into view he decided it was perfect. How long they had traveled, he couldn’t say but he found the place he didn’t know he was looking for.

A river could be heard bubbling near enough to the clearing. It would have fish and draw game. The land itself was likely fertile enough to grow a garden. Here he could protect her. Here he could care for her.

A stone home wavered into existence. It wasn’t grand by any means but it would do well enough. White rose bushes sat under windows and boarded by a short white picket fence. They could make a life here, together. They could have a family here, together. It was a gift that could be passed to their children and their children’s children.

Tony would likely see to it the modern technologies would be added in time and Loki couldn’t fault him for it. He wouldn’t stop it, if it made her happy. Loki smiled down at her as he set her down on the newly created path to their home.

Looking down at her, he let the threads of his power flow and circle her. He watched as the green threads of light caressed her skin and brushed out her hair. The dirty clothes she wore were shredded by the light that surrounded her, weaving a gown fit for a lady.

Green flowed down her arms, body and trailed around her legs and it looked beautiful on her. It did wonders to hide the pale of her skin, the sunken features seemed no longer as hollow.

“Loki?” She whispered as his magic danced along her throat and the sound of her voice was perfection even if he couldn’t describe it.

“My Love.” his hand rested against her cheek. “Forgive me, my love. My words were spoken in haste and ill judgment. A childish reaction born of fear. I-”

Hotaru took a sharp step back and then another, bringing her out of his reach.

“No.” Loki’s words died in his throat as she spoke that word. “You didn’t want me. You said I wasn’t good enough. How can I trust you? I can I ever?”

“Give me time and I will show you.” Loki pleaded, following her as she backed up the path.

“I’ve given you a home, we can make this our home together when you are ready.” Her back pressed against the door.

“No.” She whispered again. “I trusted you.”

“You can trust me again, I will show you.” Loki’s pleas fell on deaf ears as her hand snagged the handle and the door opened behind her.

He could do nothing but plea for a chance as the door to the home he created for them to share shut in his face.

* * *

The force of the slam jerked him from his sleep. Air seemed to catch in his throat as he rolled to his side and clutched at the shirt covering his chest. His stomach rolled and heaved as he breathed through the wave of adrenaline induced nausea.

When he closed his eyes be could still see how she backed away from him. There was no warmth in her eyes. There was no love in her eyes. All he could find in her eyes was sadness. A deep sadness that he had put there. His stomach heaved again at the image even as he reminded himself it was a dream.

Loki passed the day in a fog, constantly reminding himself what was real. The meetings with Tony seemed pointless as person after person reported no leads. No new information. No information at all. Useless.

“Drink this.” Tony set a tall glass of green sludge down in front of the god, startling him from his daze.

“I beg your pardon?” Loki cringed at the lack of bite in his voice.

“Not that I’m not still pissed off at you but you look like death Reindeer Games. When was the last time you ate anything?”

“One such as I doesn’t require as much sustenance as you pathetic mortals.” Again the bite was missing and he simply sounded empty.

“Not what I asked and Thor eats like a horse.” Tony pushed the glass closer to the god with one finger before standing up. “If you waste away and die you won’t get a chance to try and convince her you’re not a grease ball.”

Loki picked up the glass when Tony’s back was turned. He hadn’t felt hunger in a long time. When the glass was empty he rested his forehead on the cool table. It wasn’t warm like she was. It wasn’t soft like she was. With something in his belly sleep was quick to find him.

It should have been a safe refuge where he could be with her. It should have been an escape for him from the reality of his life. It should have been but it wasn’t.

* * *

In a moment he was standing in front of the stone home. Stones grew with a cover of moss and dew sparkled on the grass. He knew time had passed but not why, dreams were funny like that. In his hands he clutched flowers.

It was a sentimental gesture that so long ago would have been out of character for him. He was not a young boy new to courting yet he felt it just the same. With a firm hand he knocked at the heavy wooden door of the home that should have been theirs.

Hotaru answered and she was older but not by much. The few short years that had passed had treated her well. The dress she wore showed off how she had grown, recovered and became a woman yet under it all she still had that light of purity. His light stood before him.

“Loki.” She greeted and the light he knew resided inside her didn’t touch her smile.

“My Light.” Loki swallowed the lump in his throat. “These are for you.”

“No.” No? What could she mean by that?

“My Love? Can’t you see, I love you. I know my words caused you harm but-”

“No.” Her voice was like stone and the world stopped turning. “You hurt me. You’re a monster. I see it now. Leave me. I don’t want you.”

The door shut in his face and he was left standing alone. His chest hurt in a way it never had before as the flowers slipped from his fingers. It hurt to breath, almost as if he were drowning.

The world shifted and it was as if he was trapped observing himself throughout time. He watched helplessly even as it felt like he was drowning as he left a box on a snow covered doorstep just to have her toss it away. Loki promised to wait for her as they spoke on the stone path that lead to the door as the snow slowly melted around them.

“Until the end of time, I will wait.” He promised even as she turned and walked away from him. He watched as his knees bucked and he knelt in the slush. “I will prove to you my love.” He promised.

Loki felt like he was drowning and that his heart was being ripped from his chest. Never had he so badly wanted to be sick. The Loki standing in front of him screamed his sorrow as his hands fell to the ground. Pleas screamed were carried on the cold winds.

Was this the pain that she had felt so long ago? Was this the pain he had caused her? Was this what it felt like to be discarded by the one you love more than anything? If this is what she had felt, he didn’t deserve her forgiveness nor her love. Yet he wanted it just the same. He wanted the pain to stop.

Time moved on around him. Loki watched as the roof he had created with his power alone aged and sprung leaks that he quickly repaired in the cover of darkness or while she was gone. He watched as harvests were blessed. She rarely was left wanting for anything that he did not provide, though he long ago stopped letting her know who was blessing her.

When she knew, she refused the offerings. She didn’t want him, he understood that. He had his chance and he wasted it, pushing her away like a coward. It did nothing to quell the love he had for her nor his dedication to her. She did not want him but he would remain for her always.

Yet it killed him when she went into town. He watched helplessly as time marched on. When she’d leave, he would slip inside and see to it the house was fresh. It always smelt of mint, he had seen to that. The air was always sweet, never going stale no matter how long away she was.

Coin was left in pockets, trinkets left behind books on shelves. All the while, Loki watched as he did all he could to win her heart as time moved on. He watched as he did all he could to not be forgotten.

* * *

“Loki?” The voice of Thor pulled him from a restless sleep. “Are you well?”

It was a dumb question and Loki scoffed as he sat up. His back and neck ached and he wondered how long he’d been asleep. With a quick swipe of his hand down his face, he removed the traces of dampness. It was weak to cry. It was even more weak to be seen sleeping slouched over a table while crying in one’s sleep.

“Am I well?” Loki mocked.

“We will find her.” Thor assured. “You must get rest and eat. You must bath. Brother, this isn’t like you.”

“This isn’t like me?!” Loki roared, standing in such a rush that sent the wheeled chair to the ground. “What isn’t like me is falling in love with a human girl. What isn’t like me is to let something that is mine slip away. What isn’t like me is to not be able to find what is mine.”

Loki stormed out of the room with Thor hot on his heels only to have the door to the washing room slammed in his face. Thor counted it as a victory when the shower began to run regardless of his brother’s unseemly outburst. Thor could understand even if he couldn’t begin to imagine how Loki was feeling.

Loki stood under the water as it rushed down his body. He had the water as hot as it would go and it left streaks of bright red down his pale skin. On the shelves sat her soaps, unused and untouched. No one braved to touch her things, to remove them. That would be as if saying she wasn’t coming back. On impulse he grabbed her shampoo and lathered it into his hair. The room was full of the smell of her, drawing a whole new ache in his chest.

Loki had known those with the gift of sight. Countless times had he heard tells of the gift being triggered by any number of ill fated events. Could this be his own trigger. Was it even a remote possibility that these dreams were more than just dreams?

They couldn’t be. He had never shown signs of having sight. Yet even as the water began to run cold he feared it could be true. Would it be a kindness to know she would turn him away before he found her? Was it his mind simply torturing him.

Finally Loki stepped out of the shower. He stood in the center of the small room that was nothing like the bathing rooms he’d been used to before coming to the tower. After breathing the steam for what felt like both seconds and hours, Loki walked outside the washing room without care or consideration for a towel.

Standing in front of the mirror in his chambers he thought. They were just dreams. Even if they were more, the fates never wrote anything in stone. The pale expanses of his body were littered with soft scars, faded with time. In more time, they would fade further.

He tried to see himself as she did, not that she’d seen in such a state of undress. If he tried hard enough he could look passed the monster he was and see himself as the man. If they got her back, when they got her back, would she see him as the man still or the monster he knew he was.

With one last breath he pulled on black trousers and sat heavily in the armchair. Regret settled in his chest as the smell of her clung to him and would haunt him until the scent wore away. Even so, it lulled him into an exhausted sleep just the same.

* * *

Standing in the shadows of the trees Loki watched as a man walked with His Light, her arm hooked in his. It felt as if a knife was lodged in his guts as the man spun her around in a dance to the music of her laughter before sinking down on one knee.

As the man held out a little black box and spoke soft words of love to His Light it felt as if the knife was jerked up his chest. The bark of the tree bit into his hand as he clutched it tightly and watched. That was all he could do, watch and swallow the pain as she threw her arms around the man.

He would do nothing to stop it, even as it felt his heart was being ripped from his chest. She deserved to be happy and he had lost his chance. A life and a family of her own were both things she deserved. He couldn’t stand in her way. He wouldn’t.

Dreams moved in such fragmented ways that at times Loki was aware he was in a dream, watching a shade of himself experience a life he didn’t want to live while feeling all the pain. Other times he was living the life as if it was his reality.

“You must let her go.” Tony urged as he went over wedding plans for his dear sister. Loki had insisted on knowing the details so he could hide in the shadows and be sure that nothing ill fated happened on her day.

“I cannot.” Loki admitted. “But I’ll not stand in the way of her happiness.”

“You’ve got to move on.” Tony told him even as the dream shifted again.

Loki sat in a tree, it’s branches heavy with apples as His Light laughed below unaware of his presence. Children laughed as they ran about in the grass in front of the home. They were not his children as he had so hoped years before and it was not their home as he had intended.

Yet a small smile adorned his face as with a flick of his fingers he sent a thread of power to where the youngest was searching for shamrocks. The small girl squealed with joy as she ran up to where her mother sat to show her the clover, complete with four perfect leaves.

Loki stood over watching from the shadows as His Light buried the man that she had gave her heart to. He saw to it that her home kept clean, dust didn’t find its way onto her floors when she was asleep. Foods did not spoil when she was too heartsick to eat. Her children were off living their own lives and were too busy to check in on their poor mother.

He watched as the hair on her head grew white and her body sagged with age. Eventually her body grew weak as did her mind. Sometimes he would visit her then and she wouldn’t turn him away any longer, offering company and asking of how his life had turned out.

He’d lie and tell stories, of course. It was better than telling her that he had spent his life watching her. Other times she wouldn’t know him at all. Those were the best times and the worst times. She’d invite him in and apologize for not knowing his name. Meaningless tasks would be completed for her and she’d be thankful.

Sometimes she’d speak of how she wished her own sons took such good care of her. She’d speak of how lucky his wife must be to have such a kind man and he’d tell her how he had no wife. She would say how it was such a shame for a man like him to be alone. Sometimes she would even speak of how she wished she had the love of a man like him. How if only she were 50 years younger.

He’d never tell her that she did. That she had his love since the moment she gained her freedom. That she had gifted him her love and he had thrown it aside as if it where a worthless trinket. He’d never tell her how he had betrayed her heart and lost his chance, how he was a monster.

He was with her when her heart stopped beating and she drew her last breath. That was the most painful part, watching her frail body give out. She’d lived a long life considering the many rough years she had early in her life. He had seen to it that her health was as good as it could be, all things considered.

Loki watched from the trees as her children buried her. When all was gone and night had fallen he stood at the grave of the woman he had loved, just as he expected he would so many years ago. Would it hurt more or less if she had picked him all those years ago? Perhaps now with her dead, he could move on.

* * *

Pounding at the door woke him and he was thankful for it. Swiping at his face he managed to clean the traces of his pain from his cheeks as the door opened.

“Loki?” It was the Wizard Strange opening his door.

“What?” His head rolled to the side, taking in the put together look of the wizard in his robes.

“You’ve got to pull yourself together.” The door clicked shut behind him.

“I don’t recall inviting you in.”

“You need to pull yourself together. You’re not of use to us, to her like this.”

“Do you think I wish to be like this?” Loki stood, back straight and shoulders back for a moment. “Do you think I wish to feel this weak? To know what it is to be heartsick? Do you think I spend even one moment not desperate for some way to fix this?”

“You loved her.” Strange said simply.

“Why does everyone insist on pointing that out as if it were some secret any longer?” The God scoffed however he knew the wizard was right. He was no use to anyone in his current state.

Loki knew he had to pull himself together otherwise there was a very real chance he wouldn’t be able to be there when they found her. That was the one thing he needed more than anything, to be the one to find her. He had to do better, somehow.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: grief, dark thoughts, dead bodies... sadness? Grab some tissues- okay?

 

Subject 132 pressed her back against the bars and the cart rolled along the ground. She could hear mud under the wheels and the rain damped the tarp over top. It was amazing how silently them moved through the woods.

A gust of wind pulled the edges of the tarp and she could see morning light in the distance. Or perhaps it was a sunset, she couldn’t truly be sure. Next to the cart ran the woman with the strange eyes.

Part of her thought the woman was responsible for the dreams. They twisted her memories into something worse. Or at least, Subject 132 hoped they did. Her grip on reality was slipping, she feared.

In the distance behind them, she could hear shouting. Or at least she thought she did. Through a break in the trees she could see something in the sky. It was shaped as a man and light shone off of it as if it was metallic. The sight brought a new wave of pain to her chest and she tried to tell herself it wasn’t real.

It was a trick. It wasn’t really Tony. Tony wasn’t searching for her. Tony sent the Masters to capture her. Try as hard as she could, she couldn’t squash the hope that hurt her heart to hold. It had to be a trick. They wanted her to see. It was a trick to hurt her.

It didn’t matter, did it? What did it matter if it was real or not? It hurt just the same. Subject 132 prayed for a day when the pain would stop. She wanted to be numb like some of other subjects. If she didn’t feel, it wouldn’t matter. If she didn’t feel, it would be better.

When darkness was thick and the tarp resurrected she had no way to know how time moved. She tried to tell herself that it didn’t matter. Time didn’t matter, she told herself as the rocking of the cart lulled her into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

Sitting on the couch, she felt warm and comfortable with a blanket around her shoulders. Chill seeped into her side from Loki as his fingers ran through the length of her hair. It felt so good and she prayed that it would never end. Was that too much to ask, for a pleasant dream that never ended?

“Hotaru, My Light.” Loki spoke next to her but his voice seemed to come from all around. “My Love, I will find you.”

The words made no sense to her in the moment, causing her to look to him for clarification and write on his thigh, ‘I’m right here.’

“My Love, forgive me.” His hand moved to rest on her neck, fingers still tangled in her hair.

‘You did nothing wrong’ She wrote on his chest, confused.

His voice sounded weak. He sounded tired, defeated even. He sounded watery, as if he could be on the verge of tears. Yet the man before her looked calm and in control. It made no sense.

It didn’t matter, it turned out as the world around them shifted and she was harshly pushed away.

“You dumb cunt, always believing someone could love you?” He coldly stood up. “Always so eager to play my game. What a useless pawn.”

She could do nothing but cry as he reached down and harshly pulled her up to her knees by a firm hand around her neck. He sneered down at her.

“Little Hotaru thinks she’s good enough for a prince.” With how he held her, she couldn’t shake her head to deny it.

“Disgusting. Not even worth warming by bed.” He threw her to the ground at his feet. She didn’t bother trying to get up as sobs tore their way through her body.

“You’re not even good enough to warm my cock.” Those were the last words she heard from him that night.

* * *

Subject 132 was thankful to wake as she was being pulled from the cage by a firm hand on her ankle. As she was thrown to the ground by a large guard, she tried to sort reality from dream.

Crying, she covered her face as the guard pushed at the flimsy dress until it was bunched around her waist. Hotaru tried to remember the sweet words Loki had said as the man unfastened his belt. Though she tried not to, she couldn’t resist kicking at him as he pulled the zipper down his pants and bared down on her, pinning her with his weight as if she was nothing.

She was just a thing to be used, she knew. The man rutted into her as she cried. Loki was right, she’d never be worthy of him. She’d never be worthy of his love. She wouldn’t even ever be worthy of his touch.

If she fought hard enough, would the guard kill her?

Turns out, he wouldn’t. As blood seeped down her legs, she was tossed back into her cage when he was finished with her. When her back hit the bars with such force that her breath was knocked from her lungs, she knew she would live another day.

Hotaru Stark lay motionless in the cell, letting blood pool below her praying that it would never stop seeping onto the ground. Hotaru didn’t want to be Hotaru anymore. She didn’t want to live anymore. All she wanted was to die.

Death wouldn’t come for her, however.

* * *

There was snow on the ground but it didn’t bother Loki. He could see his breath as he stood. Time had passed but not much, though he didn’t know how he knew. Flowers were withered on the grave. Undisturbed snow showed that there had been no visitors since it had fallen.

Loki wasn’t surprised. In that way that one knew things that they had no way of knowing in dreams, he knew her children had only visited the grave twice in the two months she’d been in the ground.

The flowers left on her grave were nothing more than dried stems in a dirty vase in front of a plain stone marker. It wasn’t right. She deserved better. She deserved more. She deserved to be remembered.

Threads of power snaked out from around him. Green threads that shimmered in the light wove into the stone marker and began changing it to his will. It was exhausting to work his power into the stone, to push and pull at it to change it’s shape but it was worth it as it changed and expanded.

What had once been an average marker, looking much the same as all the others in the pasture took the form of a woman sitting on a bench holding a plaque held in her hands. His light sat immortalized in stone as his power refined her shape.

Skin, hair and dress all looked so soft but he knew if he dared to touch her he would find her hard as stone. Yet his long legs took him to her just the same. Reaching out, he traced his fingertips down her cheek. His Light looked so young sitting on the bench.

Held up on her lap by an elegant stone hand was a plaque that read: Here rests Hotaru Stark. Sister, Wife and Mother. Though she be gone, her light will never be forgotten.

The words were written in his script, perfected over centuries. Running the tips of his fingers over the words, the text filled in with a green shimmering ink that Loki would be sure never faded. On the bench next to her now sat what had become of the vase. It was clean now and held a bunch of white roses.

“I’ll not let you be forgotten.” Loki spoke softly before turning on his heel and leaving.

* * *

The next time he dreamed of her grave was a few days nights later. He knew it was a few years had passed since he had changed her headstone. Moss had grown over some of the stone image of her. Her feet and where the dress gathered on the ground showed the passage of time. Grass was overgrown and it was clear she had not been visited often by her children.

The home he had created for her stood empty. He had hoped that it would be a family home passed to her children and their children. Instead it sat empty, forgotten. Standing in the empty home, dust heavy on all surfaces Loki found it still held the spark of her light. The space was empty, dusty and hollow like his heart, holding onto the slightest spark of her light.

Loki knew in that special way one knew things in dreams that he had been visiting the grave nearly weekly when he exited the dusty home. Time had moved on and he didn’t recall it happening.

* * *

When he woke, he wasn’t sure at first what was real and what was a dream. He spent the day in a fog, moving about almost mechanically. All he was aware of was the pain in his heart and how bone tired he felt. Nothing seemed to help. Nothing seemed to work and he felt his reserves growing low.

Loki wasn’t sure if it mattered. If she was already dead than she couldn’t reject him. If she was already gone than he could try to move on. If she was already dead she wouldn’t be in pain any longer.

Was it insanity to begin to hope she was dead? Surely that was the case. Yet when night came and he sat for hours on her bed holding the necklace, he knew she still lived. He knew it was something he couldn’t know and yet he did. Perhaps this was the dream?

“I will find you, My Light.” Loki whispered into the empty room. “Please, My Love, forgive me.”

* * *

Loki couldn’t say how long he’d been sitting on the ground, head resting against her stone legs. His clothes were dirty, his hair greasy and in need of a wash but he didn’t care. With the exception of her figure, all the other markers had weathered and began to crumble into dust.

It had been centuries, he knew that much as he cast his eyes up to the Vase. Winter roses sat pristine as ever. He wondered if she would have liked them. It didn’t matter, he decided as he rested his head down against her leg again.

“Brother?” Thor came into view.

“Leave me.”

“You must stop this. You’ve not left this place in nearly a year.” Thor crouched down next to his younger brother.

“Why does it matter?” Loki ran his hand up her leg, coming as close to feeling her as he ever would again.

“You’ll die if you don’t stop. Brother, you’re killing yourself.”

“Than leave me to it.” Loki didn’t have the energy to fight with Thor. “Let me die, then. It is my wish, for it to end.”

With a sigh, Thor left him. It was better to be left alone. He could be alone with her, his love. Soon he could bath in her light. Would she accept him finally? Would he have earned her love over the centuries?

“I never stopped loving you, My Light.” Loki whispered to the stone as he gazed up at her face.

He couldn’t say how long he sat there. It began snowing and he remained uncaring. He talked to her in the way he should have all those centuries ago. This was how he should have talked to her that ill fated night so very long ago.

He told her of his love for her. As time passed his words came slower and slower. He spoke of how she thawed his heart and the way he had wished their life had gone. Leaning further against the stone, he closed his eyes as he kept talking. Snow gathered on his lap and in his hair but he paid it no mind, not even bothering to push it away.

The words came slower and slower but he kept speaking as he told her of the family he had wished they had. Two daughters and a son he had dreamed of. They would have the same soft light in their hearts she had.

In his heart, their children had names and he told her each name with deep airy breaths. After speaking the last name he knelt before her, reaching up and cupping her check in his hand. It took so much strength to move. It felt warm under his touch as he looked at the gray of her eyes. They sparkled at him and he was sure that somehow she leaned into his touch.

Draping his other arm around her back he absorbed the warmth of her. How he had missed her. It felt so good to hold her again, to be held by her. He’d waited centuries for this moment, for this chance to be with her again.

“How I love thee, My Light.” The words where a whisper on his dying breath.

“Loki.” He heard her call as the world faded black around him.

* * *

“Loki!” Strange snapped from the doorway, irritation clearly evident.

Loki had no recollection of falling asleep yet it was clear to him that he did. Rising up on one elbow, he rubbed his face with the other hand only to realize he still held her necklace.

It had finally happened. He’d finally fallen asleep in her room. In all honesty, he had expected to feel more rested. The smell of her all around him should have relaxed him enough to actually get a restful sleep but it didn’t. He felt as tired and drained as he had sitting down in this room.

“Loki?” Strange was standing in front of him now and he didn’t have any recollection of how he got there. This was bad.

Loki was weak, dreadfully week and disoriented. It was clear to him that in his sleep he’d been leaching out power. That issue alone should have been a minor inconvenience yet it was devastating when paired with how poorly his body had been generating the magic to refill the well of power withing him.

“What?” He snapped back, drawing Thor’s head into the doorway. Just what he needed, another witness.

“What did you put into those stones?” Strange held out his hand. “May I?”

Strange didn’t wait for Loki’s nod of approval to snag the necklace out of his hands. Loki didn’t really want to give it up but what was the point? None of it really mattered.

“What did you put into these stones?” Strange asked again as he examined the stone in his shaking hands.

Loki wondered how the wizard expected to help heal Her voice if he could not even return his hands to full function but cast the thought aside. It didn’t matter. They wouldn’t find her and if they did, she’d not want anything to do with him.

“A few threads of my power.” Loki shrugged as he answered, finally standing.

“There is more.” Strange handed the necklace back. “It’s not just your power in the stone anymore. Can you identify what else it is?”

Loki held the necklace again and the world came crashing around him. It was here. She was here all along and he hadn’t seen it. It occurred to him that he was utterly useless to have not noticed what the human sorcerer noticed nearly instantly. If only he had looked. If only he had tried harder.

“Her.” Loki breathed before continuing stronger. “Somehow she left a part of herself in the stone. This is the one she wore the most.”

“How is that even possible?” Strange asked as he backed away, giving Loki space to pace the room.

“I don’t know but it’s here, clear as day.” Long strides took him out of the room, standing tall. “Jarvis, call Tony to the conference room. We may have a lead. You coming, Wizard?”

* * *

“Let me get this straight, somehow the necklace will work to find her when her hair and literally everything else you’ve tried didn’t? Because Magic?”

Tony ran his hands through his hair. He’d been good the last two weeks, only having a few beers but now he really, really wanted a bottle of strong scotch. The reality of there even being the slightest chance of having her back set him excited and terrified him.

“Yes, because Magic.” Loki mocked in return as Strange flipped through an old and tattered book.

Tony wouldn’t be telling the truth if he said it wasn’t reassuring to see Loki doing so much better. His skin was still pale but no longer looked waxy and his hair was cleaner yet something still was off about him. Each of his movements was still jerky, lacking the fluidity that was nearly expected of the tall god.

Still, it was good to see him acting more himself. The whole of the tower had been worried as his pride in his image slipped and than was left to the wayside. At first, when he looked so much like the man who had tried to take over New York Tony had many hard nights. It was harder yet to tell the nightmares from reality when the man looked so much the same at the time. But as he got worse and worse, pity overtook fear.

Tony hadn’t forgiven him, no. But he could see clear as day that Loki was drowning himself in grief and mourning. What good was it to poke at a wound when he was already bleeding out quickly? Surely, anything Tony did to cause the God pain wouldn’t have even registered in comparison to the pain he was putting himself through.

“Somehow she invested a part of her soul into the stone.” Strange’s voice brought Tony out of his contemplative thoughts. “That is a much more concrete tether than relying on the residual energy from her hair or that she left on her things.”

“It’s a part of her, just as living as a finger.” Loki added as he turned over the stone in his hand.

“Is that why…?” Steve couldn’t really figure out the way to ask his question as the rest of the team watched on.

“Why you’ve all been drawn to her room repeatedly?” Strange didn’t look up from his book. “To a degree, probably.”

“So the magic stone was saying ‘come find me’ all along?” Tony leaned back in his chair as he eyed the tea, willing it to turn into scotch. It remained tea.

“In a sense, possibly. If she has been reaching out, wanting us to find her it is wholly possible that the sliver of her soul in the stone was drawing us to it, however weakly.”

Loki hated himself for not noticing. He had been so caught up in his head, in his mind and grief that she was crying out to him for help and he didn’t hear her. He didn’t answer. He didn’t deserve to ever see her again, to ever have her again.

“And we didn’t think anything of it.” Clint spoke the very thing running through Loki’s head.

Thor’s large hand settled on Loki’s shoulder, offering a squeeze of reassurance. Now wasn’t the time to get lost in his head. Now wasn’t the time to be dragged down into a place of self hate. Now wasn’t the time. They had to find her. He had to find her.

“If she’s still in the stone, she’s still alive?” Natasha asked, hope clear in her voice.

“More than likely, yes.” Loki confirmed as the assassin visibly relaxed her shoulders.

“Thank god.” Sam breathed the words.

“It does nothing to state the sort of condition she could be in however.” Strange reminded them as he pushed the book to Loki. “I can’t work this one alone.”

“I wouldn’t have allowed you to.” Loki countered as he stood, allowing the power within him to begin bubbling to the surface where he could draw on it to shape the spell, not once letting on how dry the well had become. The would find her. 

* * *

 

Subject 132 looked at the body sitting on the ground across from her. Flies buzzed around it and the sound was maddening. Or it had been, a few days before. Perhaps now she was mad, at that was why it was easier to bear the buzzing.

She hurt nearly everywhere. She was tired and couldn’t remember the last time she got a night of restful sleep that wasn’t haunted by nightmares. More often than not, the dreams would start pleasant.

It was the beginnings of the dreams she longed for. Her Dark Prince would hold her and with a voice that sounded like it came from everywhere would tell her how he cared for her. How he had missed her, loved her and would never let her go. The air around him was cool and fresh, like the evening after a rain. It made her heart long for this man who’s name began to escape her.

She knew he was important. That she had to remember him as best she could. Maybe he would come for her and free her. That was a child’s dream but it was okay to dream. If she allowed herself to dream of what her life could have been, she could find some semblance of peace.

If she allowed her mind to go to a far away place it was okay, wasn’t it? Her body would be here but what did that matter? Her body would always be here. Part of her wondered if her body had ever been anywhere else. Maybe her Dark Prince and Noble Brother were figments of her imagination.

Maybe that was why it was so easy for them to hurt her. It would make sense if they had never been real in the first place. Try as she may, she couldn’t remember what her name was. Light, she remembered being known as ‘light’ but that wasn’t her name.

Did it matter what her name was? Had she ever had a name? Hotaru tried to remember who it was that called her ‘light’ but couldn’t. There were other things, soft names she had been called in a time in between that she couldn’t really remember, the time that didn’t really matter.

Had there ever really been a time when she wasn’t known as ‘Subject 132’ or other harsh names? Had there ever really been a time where she wrote and could share the things in her head? Was there a time where her thoughts mattered?

Surely there had to have been. Why else would she dream these things? The Dark Prince was real. She needed him to be real.

Subject 132 held onto the whispered sweet words he would speak to her at night. She told herself that those words were true and that was how he truly was. Whenever she was awake she told herself that there were two Dark Princes in her dreams, repeated it to herself as a chant at times.

One was kind and cared for her. He loved her and would come for her with her Noble Brother and their friends. She remembered a woman who was like a mother, though she was too young to truly be. The woman who was soft with her when she wasn’t with any others.

She remembered a man who fought all his time to avoid becoming hard and cold. A man who she loved like a father yet she knew while he was, he wasn’t her father. But he was close enough.

She remembered a towering man of strength who could be a brother to her, though he was loud as thunder. She remembered a man of gold who was pure yet fractured. A man who was gentle with her yet always worried he would break her. She remembered a man who was full of wide smiles and quick wit. He was a man who wanted nothing more than to make her laugh with his sharp jokes, though he would never admit it.

She remembered these people and though she dearly hoped that they were real, she couldn’t say for sure anymore. No names for these people resided in her mind. It was that inability to tell what was real, what was a dream and what was fantasy that bothered her most, not the sharp strikes and sharper still blades used by her Masters.

What caused worry to strike most in the back of her mind under the heavy fog was the fact that at times, she didn’t care what was real and what wasn’t anymore. What scared her most was how she longed to be like the vacant eyed subjects, numb and already dead though their hearts kept beating. They had it better than she. They didn’t carry the hurt in their chests that she did, though she wasn’t even sure why it was there anymore.

That was a lie, she knew. She loved the Dark Prince and he had told others that he didn’t want her. He had told her he didn’t want her night after night. She had loved him in a way she couldn’t explain and he cast her aside without a thought. She loved him and he didn’t love her.

She knew the words of love he spoke to her every night before her dreams turned dark were just fantasy of what could have been and that was okay. If that was all she could have, all she would have than she would hold onto that.

She wondered if she should hate him. It wasn’t something she wanted to do yet she tired anyway. She couldn’t. In the end, she wondered if it mattered at all. In the end, she wondered if anything mattered at all.

Subject 132 decided she would hold onto the love she felt for her Dark Prince, for her Noble Brother and friends turned family, even if she couldn’t give names to the faces. It was all she had in this dark place full of pain and she would hold onto it. Even if it was just a fantasy created by her Masters, she would hold onto it. Even if it was something they intended to take from her, it was all she had.

She closed her eyes and listened to the buzzing and shuffling of feet. Maybe this time they would come and collect the body. Soon it would start the bloat and smell. It wasn’t something she was looking forward to being around.

At least when the bodies were left to decay in the open she had a way of measuring time. True, she didn’t know how long each stage of decomposition took but she could at least say that so many stages had passed. Regardless, it was never pleasant.

As Subject 132 listened to the sound of the bugs she tried to will sleep to come. When the cage door opened, she made no effort to move. She didn’t even flinch as the door slammed against the side of the cage. The body was dragged out and tossed on a cart.

It didn’t do any good to flinch or try and move away from them. If they wanted to use her, they would. If they wanted to hurt her, they would. It did no good to run or try and hide. Where would she go anyway? It was better to just wait. It was better to just let it happen.

That was after all, her purpose. It was her reason for being.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Major character death.   
> We're so close to the end now. Just three more chapters after this. I promise, I will fix this.

 

The team was gathered in a large conference room. It was late and many were tired. Some had just come back from raiding yet another base but it didn’t matter. None would rather be anywhere else but here at that moment. It was finally happening.

They had a lead. A solid concrete lead. For a moment no one said anything as they all looked to the red dot on the holographic map. Each feared that if they made a noise everything would shatter and they’d wake to find it was all a dream.

“You’re sure?” Clint finally asked, voice soft.

“About 95% sure, yes.” Strange answered. “I’ve never worked this spell before so there is always a margin of error however… I’m fairly confident.”

“She’s there.” Loki confirmed, standing tall in his leather armor. He was still pale, he still looked ill and half mad but with something to focus on he was mentally more present than he had been in weeks.

“What’s the plan?” Natasha asked. “We need to get Svetlana out of there alive.”

“We go in. Kick ass. Bring Hotaru home.” Tony answered.

“We need an actual plan.” Steve pointed out and they began planning.

Things felt better, just knowing where she was. Having the confirmation that she was alive pulled a weight off of all their shoulders. It was as if a switch was flipped and they could face the world again. They could say her name again.

In less than twelve hours, the team was collecting their gear and boarding a jet. It would be four hours until they landed in the general location. They would find her and god help anyone who dared to stand in their way. They would bring her home and rain hell down on those who dared take what was theirs to protect. There would be a line of those waiting to extract vengeance for the harm that had come to her.

Loki would be first in that line.

* * *

Subject 132 knew something was shifting but she couldn’t pinpoint what it was. The burn in her eyes and the fog from lack of restful sleep made it hard to think much about anything. Sometimes, she would cry though she didn’t really understand why.

The tears were a waste of water and she wished they would stop. It happened when the ache in her chest was at its worst. She wished she knew why she hurt so much. It had to do with those people she saw in her dreams. She knew that much even if she wasn’t sure who they were any longer.

Did she ever know who they were?

They visited her dreams every night with their blurred faces and harsh words. It was their words that often brought on the ache in her chest and the tears. She was worthless. She was unwanted. She was thrown away. They would tell her those things each and every night with distorted voices without fail and she would awake feeling as if she hadn’t slept at all.

The only peace she had was sometimes when she would drift to sleep, before the nightmares started, the Dark Prince would visit her. During the nightmares he was different, his face unclear and his voice just as distorted as the others but during these times she could see him clearly. She could hear his voice as she knew it was, though she couldn’t say how she knew it.

Each time the Dark Prince visited her they would be sitting on a couch in an open room. He always smelled the same and she could never pinpoint what it was his smell reminded her of. Dew and forests at night, though she wasn’t sure how she could find comfort in that but she did. The scent of him had a chill to it that she didn’t find in the forests when their cages were moved through.

How could she be sure when this was the only life she knew Everything else was an illusion, she knew. They had sent her away to make her think she was free all for their entertainment. It was a game. Always a game. Only a game.

Yet she held onto these moments with her Dark Prince, whoever he may be. It was the only peace she had and though she didn’t know why he came to her, how he knew of her or why she dreamed of him she would hold onto him. She knew he wasn’t real. Perhaps a figment of her imagination.

Was that so outlandish? She knew her sanity was slowly fading, finally. The embrace of madness would be welcomed by her when it finally came for her. Until then, she would hold onto her Dark Prince and his soft words of love for so long as she could. He’d promise to find her, to come for her and rescue her but she knew he wouldn’t.

He wasn’t real. His love wasn’t real. Perhaps his peaceful visits before the nightmares started was all a part of their game as well. It didn’t matter. She’d hold onto them just the same. What was real didn’t matter anymore.

“Tonight the game ends.” The woman with the bright eyes sneered through the bars.

Subject 132 didn’t offer much in the way of a reaction. Just a look in the woman’s direction and nothing more. Not to her eyes, not to her face. Making eye contact was dangerous. It was a good way to get struck hard. There was no reason to bring more pain.

* * *

The motel offered little to no amenities and Tony hadn’t stopped complaining about it since the door closed behind them. Loki wasn’t much better, sneering at the lumpy couch and the whole of the room smelled foul. Both men’s complaints were halfhearted, only spoken because it was expected of them. Neither would admit it.

“What now?” Clint sat down as the team crowded into the too small room.

“Now we pinpoint their location.” Strange spoke as he cleared the table top. “Shall we?”

Loki came to stand across from him, setting the necklace- her necklace in the center. Strange held his hands out over the necklace and Loki mirrored him. The room grew silent as the team observed.

It was minor magic they were weaving but delicate work just the same. Should they push too much or pull too hard they would risk snapping the tether. If that were to happen they would have to search for her the old fashioned way. That method had already resulted in them taking far too long to find her.

Green shimmered around the stone held in snake jaws in the necklace for a moment before it began to lift up and hover in a slowly expanding ball of thread. Loki slowly extracted his power from the stone as Strange worked to keep the blue thread of her soul stable.

Behind him, Clint whistled- it was rare that anyone ever saw magic being worked by one of the sorcerers. To see them both work magic together was a rare sight still. Yet over the last few months it had become increasingly common, though no less impressive.

With the threads of Loki’s power out of the stone they were able to focus on that one solitary thread that belonged to her. It wasn’t a lot to work with at all. It was no wonder why Loki hadn’t noticed the thread for so long. It was thin as a thread of spider silk but it was there just the same.

“A map would be most useful, Stark.” Strange didn’t even look to him as he spoke.

“J, you heard the man.” Tony set his phone down, screen up on the table.

“Yes, Sir.” the AI spoke as a holograph of the area lit up the table.

Together the two sorcerers worked their power through the thread of her soul slowly. It felt like it took a lifetime to work it and spread it, building their own power around it to stabilize it and magnify it as they worked.

Sweat gathered on Strange’s brow as the first hour began to pass into the second. The team milled about the room in near perfect silence. This was their chance. It could be their only chance. No one wanted to be the one that caused it to fail.

“There.” Loki said simply as the third hour came to a close.

“We’ve got her.” Strange added as he let his hands fall. The tremble in them was more pronounced with the expended energy but he schooled the shaking to a minimum quickly.

“Let’s go.” Tony urged.

“No.” Loki let the strands of his power lower and settle into the stone again. He’d still not take them back into himself.

“No?” Clint asked.

“Why the hell not?” Tony’s face was red but he took a deep breath to calm himself as best he could.

“If we rush in she could die.” Loki didn’t even bother to look at Tony as he spoke.

“And if we wait, she could die.” Tony’s rush across the small room was stopped by Thor stepping in between them.

“And if we rush in with a flawed plan, she could die as a result.” Steve pointed out.

“He’s right. We need to a plan.” Natasha pushed herself off the dresser she had been leaning against. “They’ve been killing captives as soon as we move in. We can’t risk them killing her.”

A plan needed to be formulated. They couldn’t go in blind and it took every ounce of reason and self control to keep themselves in check. They would come for her. They would save her. Even if everyone else died, they would leave that building with her alive.

* * *

Subject 132 was pulled from her nightmare as the guards went about the large room lighting torches. If it was day or night, she couldn’t tell. It had been a long time since such things mattered. She slept when she slept, she was awake when she was awake.

The light flickered and danced on the concrete walls. Passively, she thought it was pretty. The torches were burning and that meant that today someone would die. They would be the lucky one. For them the pain was going to be over. 

* * *

 

Vincent stood tall at the top of the stairs. This place wasn’t perfect but it would do. He’d take his pleasure from her one last time, he decided as he looked down at her curled into herself in her cage. Dear Subject 132, she would be the key. Once he had his fill of her he would gift her to the Gods. What better gift to give than the toy he was personally so fond of?

A smile cut its way across his face as he began to descend the stairs. With each step the sound echoed through the room. The guards lit the touches as he made his way down to the first landing.

“Today we give a gift to the Gods.”

With his arms spread wide and sleeves hanging down, he made his announcement. The robed figures below dropped to their knees and their voices cried out to him in agreement. It was music to his ears even as the guards carried on as if nothing had happened.

The ringing of his phone cut into his moment.

“This is Vincent.” It had better be important.

“They are coming for you.”

“It is unimportant.” He started down the stairs again. “I’ll have a god to destroy our enemies. He will destroy them all and turn this world into paradise.”

 

The team moved through the woods. It took self control not to rush in. Each of them would prefer to be there sooner rather than later. Each of them wanted to see her and know that she was alright. Each of them needed to have the light back in their lives.

Each of them needed her but Loki knew none needed her as much as he. She was his everything. She was his light. He needed her. He needed her to be safe. Loki knew she wasn’t ready to be his but unless he knew she was safe, unless she was safe enough to heal and grow he could never have her. Now that he knew he wanted her, he would have her.

“The building is up ahead.” Tony’s voice came through the communication devices. “Let’s get this over and done with. After, dinner’s on me.”

* * *

Subject 132 watched as a boy was pulled from his cage. It was hard to say how old he was. Age was so hard to tell and in the end it didn’t matter. He was just a thing to be used, just as she was. It didn’t matter how old he was. Nothing about him mattered. Just as nothing about her mattered. He was just a Subject, just a number no different than she was.

Absently she watched as the boy was marched to the alter. It would be over for him soon. He was lucky, his pain was coming to an end. Subject 132 wondered if her pain would ever end. Would she ever be allowed the release of death?

The woman with the bright eyes stepped aside. The movement drew Subject 132’s eyes away from where the boy was being placed on the alter and to the man with silk robes approaching her. He was different and she knew him on sight. She would always know him on sight, though she didn’t know a name for him.

The others were keepers, masters and guards. Some wore combat gear and guns, others wore heavy cotton robes. This man however wasn’t just a master, he was The Master. He wore robes of silk that moved around him as he walked with his head held high.

“Come, let us enjoy ourselves.” The man held out his hand to her as the woman with the too bright eyes opened the cage.

If she grabbed the hand and it was a trick, she’d be beaten. If she ignored the kindness and it wasn’t a trick, she’d be beaten. There was no way to know what the right answer was with Master. She knew however that her legs were weak and so she took his hand as she climbed out of the cage.

That was the wrong answer however. When she was leaning most of her weight on him and trying to get her legs to work under her, he yanked his hand away. The loss of support sent her crashing to the ground. Scrapes opened on her knees and blood smeared with dirt to color her skin.

“Crawl.” Master ordered and so she did.

She crawled after him as best she could on her hands and knees. She knew the dress she wore was short. That was likely part of the point. He wanted everyone to see her. Blood and dirt caked on her legs but did nothing to protect her modesty.

When they reached a padded bench the Master reached down and hauled her over it by her hair, making sure she could see the boy. It hurt but she did not cry. The pain the Master would give her as she was forced to watch the boy end his life to bring a monster into the world was nothing compared to the pain she felt nightly in her heart.

As the Master worked her body to bring himself pleasure, she didn’t react. She didn’t pull away. She didn’t fight. Fighting made it worse. In front of her she watched the boy end his pain and she smiled. For him, it was over.

* * *

The team made quick work of infiltrating the building. Every single person they ran into, Zealot or Hydra- it didn’t matter- was killed on sight. It was messy and harsh. It was out of character. It spoke to how desperate they were to have her back. It was rationalized by the more morally bound members of the team in that they had to prevent any sort of alarm being raised.

They however were functioning on emotion and adrenaline, though they tried to contain it. They were sleep deprived. They made mistakes.

First they took on too many at a time, causing some members of the team to be held behind. Contain the mess, contain the issue so as no one finds out. Easier said than done. Yet Loki and Tony raced through the rest of the building, dispatching targets as quickly as possible. It would be one of the few times they would work together as a unit, not needing much in the way of communication.

Strange was closest behind them with Thor not far behind. He would do what had to be done to protect the world regardless of the cost. Both Tony and Loki knew that and ultimately the difference in priority made them both hesitate to allow the wizard to catch up to them and join them on the front lines. Loki didn’t trust Thor’s judgment and so his brother was also pushed behind.

Stairs took them down into a basement where they found a system of tunnels. They swiftly navigated the tunnels, following the sound of chanting. As much as they wanted to rush, to run they could not. The sound of their steps already echoed down the hall. The sound of running would just tip them off.

Strange managed to catch up to them just as a large beast of a creature smashed into them. The battle was on. If the Zealots didn’t know they were coming, they did now. No one dared allow themselves to question who had died to bring this beast into existence. It was too painful to think that just maybe this beast was all that was left of her.

* * *

Subject 132 watched as the alter was rinsed of blood. Her cheek rested against the plush cushion of the bench. She made no effort to move as the sound of her blood dripping to the ground was drown out by the water running off the alter.

The guards were talking in hushed voices as loud banging came from the hall. She didn’t pay the noise much attention. It was just a game. It was just another trick. She wondered if the trick was for her or the others. Was she worth tricking like this anymore?

“Come.” Master ordered.

When she struggled to stand, struggled to move fast enough he grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked. As he was dragging her behind him, she saw the portion of wall at the top of the stairs explode into fragments.

Up on the stairwell she saw them. It felt like he world came crashing down around her. The pain in her heart was again fresh and tears she didn’t know she still had gathered in her eyes.

“Hotaru!” The man in a metal suit yelled and she knew the voice.

“My Light!” Her Dark prince cut a deep gash into the beast that had been summoned from the sacrificed boy but it was not enough to down the creature. Rather than defeat it the gash seemed to only enrage it more.

Thor slammed into the beast with his hammer, driving him back into the hall. It was disturbing how the beast held up to blow after blow. Nothing seemed to do more than just knock him back.

“I’ll keep this one busy. Loki, get to her!” Another mighty swing of the hammer sent the beast back a few more steps.

Who was Hotaru? What did the Dark Prince mean by ‘his light’? Why did they bring the Dark Prince here? Why did the metal man have the voice of her brother? How did she know she had a brother? Who was her brother? Who was the prince?

“Get up here.”

Master yanked her hair again, pulling her up the stairs of the alter and toward the table as fighting continued. More people entered the room but the beast kept them all busy. Guards were cut down in the fighting along side the robed men.

Subject 132 couldn't find it in her heart to care what was happening to her. She couldn’t find it in her heart to care that the Master was pushing her against the table. It was cold and wet against her hands and knees as she pushed herself up.

“Hotaru!” Again the voice of her brother called out from across the room only to be followed up with a bang.

* * *

She looked at him. For a moment their eyes locked and Tony did the stupidest thing he could have- he took his helmet off and screamed for her again. He was distracted and one blow hit him, reminding him of the fight at hand as Thor tried to regain the attention of the beast.

Loki intercepted a blow that would have surely crushed in his unprotected skull. For a moment his eyes locked with the ocean blue of Loki’s and a silent ‘thank you’ was passed and accepted with a curt node.

They tried to focus on the beast. They tired to focus on the battle. They had to. They must. To get distracted could mean death. But none could put out of their mind that she was getting on the table, that she was laid out on the alter. They had to hurry. They had to save her. They had to make it. They had to make it in time. They had to.

* * *

Subject 132 watched as a flash of power washed over the beast. A shimmer of green and it was over. She knew however that the beast was dying before the battle had even begun. Their time was limited, they always died out on their own.

The team was battered and broken, spread thin across the large room. There were so many guards and they had to act fast. Already they had begun dispatching the captives. There was only one captive that mattered to Loki and Tony however. Only one they cared to look at.

“Let her go.” Loki’s voice carried the air of authority and a snarl of danger both through the room yet he did not yell as he walked. There was a slight hitch in his step and blood ran down his leg.

“I’d listen to him.” Tony answered, allowing the suit to support him. “We’re taking her home now.”

“Look who’s here.” Master leaned down toward her as if he was speaking a secret. “They’ve come to watch you do the only useful thing in your measly life.”

* * *

Guards surrounded them. They were tired and sore. They were injured and nothing seemed to be going right. They couldn’t get to her fast enough. They had to get to her.

Loki couldn’t take his eyes off of her for more than a moment to cut down the next guard. She was dirty. She was hurt. She was bleeding. The more he looked, the angrier he was. His power bubbled and surged within him as he let it lash out at the handful of guards surrounding him.

It wasn’t enough. He’d allowed himself to become too weak over the last few months. It was a mistake he couldn’t take back. He wasn’t strong enough after fighting the beast. He was running on empty and to continue to use his power would be drawing on the energy that kept him alive.

He’d do it. He’d give his life to save her.

He could see the fresh blood on her thighs, even from the distance they were at. It was maddening to know what they had done to her.

“They’ve come to watch you die and celebrate your death.” The man they knew as Vincent from the files spoke, his voice carrying easily over the fighting and through the room.

“Get away from her!” Tony yelled spinning to face the alter after blasting away yet another guard. His flight system was damaged by the beast. Iron Man was grounded.

“I will kill you.” Loki snarled, feeling all of the rage and pain from that fated moment in the tower so long ago up until this moment surge through him. “I will rip open your chest and crush your beating heart for what you’ve done to her.”

* * *

“Look how angry they are.” Vincent leaned down and spoke over her. “Look how much your being alive is hurting them.”

She knew what she had to do. Tears slipped from her eyes as she wrapped her fingers around the could hilt of the dagger. Not once did she think about plunging it into Master. Not once did she think about striking back. Not once did she think of spilling the blood of another.

Around the room, those in Robes who were able to began chanting anew. Their voices swelled and surged as she lifted the knife in one hand. All eyes were on her causing Loki to take a harsh blow to the head that left him disoriented for a short moment.

Loki wasted no time in killing the man that had struck him and turned his eyes back to her. He was tired. He was weak and it angered him to know he allowed himself to be. This was his fault. She was on the alter and it was his fault.

His light was on her back on an alter with a knife in her hand. He had to get to her. There was no other choice. She needed him. He needed her. She had to live. Even if he had to wait for her, even if she never wanted him again he needed her to live. She had to live.

With a roar of rage, Loki’s power lashed out around him. It was inelegant but effective in how it cut down the guards and Zealots alike. It wasn’t enough however and the enemy was still thick in the room.

* * *

Subject 132 looked back at the fighting in the room. With sadness in her heart she watched as her Dark prince took a harsh blow to the side. Blood gushed from the wound. Even from her place, she could see the pain wash across his face.

He was in pain because of her. The Dark Prince came for her. They all had come for her. Looking around, she took the room in with new eyes. They were there. All of them and they were all hurt.

Clint and Natasha were taking out guards at the top of the stairs. They both looked battle worn and bloody. It hurt to see them like that. They came for her. Or at least, maybe they did. She’d not remembered them right until now but that was okay. Now she knew who they were.

Those doubts came into her head. They always came into her head. What if this was a trick? What if it was just a game to hurt her more? What if it didn’t matter? Did it matter if it was a trick or not? If she closed her eyes and trusted, could that be all that mattered?

When she opened her eyes again she trained them on Tony. His name came to her again. She could picture his warm brown eyes smiling at her. He was battered but his suit looked to be holding up just the same. Damage had been taken because of her. Pain was felt because of her.

With tears in her eyes, she looked to the Doctor. He was the one who first offered her comfort all that time ago. It was with him she first found some semblance of safety. He stood behind her Dark Prince and Tony. Strange, she knew that was his name now. With each breath she took, she remembered more and more.

Her eyes moved on and settled on him. Her Dark Prince, Loki. She remembered their times together. With a shaking breath, she remembered the feel of his lips against hers. If it had all been a game, it was worth losing. The memories were worth the pain. As tears slipped from her eyes, she decided she would always remember.

‘I forgive you.’ With no voice, she could only mouth the words and hope that they would understand. ‘I love you all. I love you, Loki.’

* * *

Time seemed to stand still for Loki he watched her speak the words. No sound was needed. Whatever was going to happen, it wasn’t going to be good. The words she mouthed sounded far too much like ‘goodbye’ for his taste.

Tony had the same idea and pushed forward recklessly as Thor came to his side only to be ordered to get to Hotaru. Time was running out. Whatever was about to happen, it had to be stopped.

Time marched on at an unforgiving pace however. Loki was so close, close enough that he could see the tears she cried as she plunged the dagger into her soft belly. Blood welled up from the wound as she pulled the blade up. It sliced her open easily and only stopped when the blade hit her sternum.

“Hotaru!”

The world stopped around him as he called her name. Tony’s voice echoed his call but he did not hear it. He did not hear the chanting of the Zealots. All he knew, all he saw was the red of her blood pouring out of her. It spilled down her sides and pooled on the table before dripping onto the ground.

That dripping was the only thing Loki could hear. The well of his power was nearly dry yet he reached out to her with what he had left. With all the power he had left he listened to the steady beating of her heart for a brief moment and then a silence that let the world back in.

“No.” Tony choked on the word somewhere behind him.

Around him, the last of his power flared out and cut down not nearly enough of the robed men to make him feel better. A rage and hurt bloomed in his chest that rivaled the pain he felt when his mother died.

“Hotaru.” Loki’s voice cracked even as he stalked forward, “I will make you pay for this. It will be slow. You will beg for death.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear- I will fix this. Please don't kick me out of the blanket fort and take my cocoa...

For Tony, the world ended in that moment. Nothing mattered to him as he watched the red stain spread and cascade over her side. As his knees gave out he felt like he couldn’t catch his breath. There wasn’t enough air in the room. His lunges struggled as he gasped for air but it never felt like he was getting enough.

Reaching out he grabbed onto the first person he found. It probably wouldn’t have mattered to him if it was a friend, a guard or a Zealot in that moment. They could plunge a blade into him and he probably wouldn’t have felt the pain or even noticed. He probably wouldn’t have cared.

Dr. Strange supported Tony’s weight the best he could even as it caused pain to flair in his hands. When his hands ached too much, he helped the distraught man to the ground as best he could. They had their issues but he would not let him fall after all he had been through. Strange worried about Tony’s breathing. It came in short, ragged gasps.

Tony looked up at the wizards eyes. “Turn back time.”

“I cannot.” It was a simple answer but worthless.

“You can. You can save her. You can give us another chance. You have to. You have to.” Tony clutched at Strange’s robes as his pleading gave way to choked sobs.

“It was the only way.” Strange kept his voice steady, strong. It wouldn’t do any good to allow Tony to see any weakness. “It had to happen.”

Strange looked up from Tony to the body laid out on the alter. It hurt less to look at her than it did to Look at Tony or at Loki’s back as he stalked forward. He knew that if the God didn’t contain his rage, contain his power he’d likely spend every ounce of energy he had on obtaining vengeance at the expense of his own life.

Strange knew because he had seen it. He’d seen it all before and this was the only way. It was something he had to have faith in. Events had to be allowed to pass. If events carried on as they should, if all the chips fell in the right places there was hope. He dared not speak it for fear that it would not happen. 

* * *

 

Vincent chuckled at the God who stalked toward him with murder in his eyes. He was not scared of Loki or the mighty Avengers. He feared no man. With a smile still on his face he turned to give the God his full attention after taking in the sight of Iron Man on his knees, as he belonged.

“We thank you for your sacrifice.” Clasping his hands together as he spoke, Vincent hoped he looked regal. “It could not have been accomplished without your aid.”

“How long do we have?” Clint came up behind Strange. “How long until she becomes one of their monsters?”

“It depends on how well they executed the spell.” It was a safe answer. In truth, he really couldn’t say. They had to wait and see. He had to wait and see.

“What do you mean?” Someone asked Vincent and Loki couldn’t focus on who the voice belonged.

His mind was in a fog of rage. The only thing that would clear it was blood. A lot of blood. He would start with the monster in front of him and once he was finished he would see to it that every single member of the so called Zealots would have their blood spilled for having dared to harm her. Once this room was cleared of the cult he would dedicate his life to hunting down every remaining member. Not a single member would survive for the crime of daring to touch the one he loved.

“She was the key.” He spoke as if it was obvious. “Dear Hotaru Stark will be mother to a God. I shall be it’s father!”

Vincent smiled down at the body on the alter. Her body. It ignited rage anew in the team. How dare he look at her. How dare he even speak of her. They stalked forward slowly, carefully. They had no way of knowing where the beast would materialize and had to be aware.

“Don’t you dare look at her!” Rage colored Tony’s voice.

“What a power was locked within her. Who knew the Stark family had a spark of magic running in their blood?” Vincent spoke as if he had not heard them. Turning, he gave Tony his attention. “Should I break you? Would you like to birth a God yourself? No, I think I’d rather kill you for the lives you’ve taken. They were good men. Loyal followers. The Gods will reward their faith.”

“The Gods want nothing to do with your lot, you can trust me in this.” Loki’s voice dripped with venom.

A powerful blast of nearly pure power smashed into Loki’s side, drawing both his blood and his attention. What concerned him more was the near instant way the power tried to alter his already fragile mental status. It took much effort to keep himself grounded in reality as his mind fought to keep his dreams separate.

They were dreams. Nothing more. Just dreams. Only dreams. Did it matter? She was gone. She was dead. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that they needed to pay for what they had done. They needed to pay. What could have been didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.

Loki faced the woman and snarled not unlike a beast at her. Her eyes gave a hint of the power she had dancing within her. This woman had the power to influence thoughts and memories, he could see that clearly as her power surged through his mind.

It didn’t take much for him to cast her power out of his mind. Yet he didn’t have much power to work with and such effort left him feeling more drained than he wished to admit. He was more drained than he was comfortable with.

What horrors could this sorceress have tormented Hotaru with? Surely she had hurt his Light the same as she tried to hut him. Her blood needed to bath the ground. Something wild and primal within him demanded it. The beast within would not be denied. He would not be denied the satisfaction of her blood.

* * *

She was everywhere and nowhere. The pain was gone. She could think. She could remember. It was as if she flowed through the space as water carried on currents of air. There was peace in her mind that she had never known. Her heart felt light and at ease even as she flowed through the room that contained such painful memories.

Returning her attention to the alter, she looked down at herself. It was odd to see herself in such a way. It was the first time she could see what she had become without bias. She simply saw.

Skin stretched tight over bone in some places. She’d lost weight but still she wasn’t as thin as she was when they had found her the first time. The red of her blood was so pretty against the dirty gray of her dress. For a moment she admired it as time moved on around her.

Drip, drip, drip it fell to the floor. Her dark hair was draped over the edge of the alter and she remembered the way it showed the caramel and auburn colors in the sun as she brushed it in her room. The colors of her hair were truly pretty. It was a shame the firelight didn’t show the colors as well.

Her skin was pale but that was alright. She’d not gotten much sun. Somehow she knew that had she gotten a chance to tan she’d have a slight olive tint but it didn’t matter. She remembered and that was what had mattered. She knew and that was what had mattered.

She remembered everything. She knew everything. It took no effort to picture the warm gray of her mother’s eyes or the deep chocolate of her fathers. She knew her Brother shared his eyes and that as a girl she had been jealous of it. How she had loved her father and brother both. They were so smart and while neither had any time for her she knew they could both do anything.

Her attention shifted to Loki as another blast left the woman’s hands. It was easy, so very easy to simply make the blast fizzle into nothing more than a rush of air as it moved over Loki. She didn’t even have to think about how to do it. Like it was nothing, she surrounded the ball of energy and simply made it into nothing but air.

She admired how the leather armor clung to his frame as he faced the woman. She knew the woman with the bright eyes had changed her mind, changed her thoughts and dreams to become horrible lies. The woman had tried to do the same to Loki but even in the depths of madness his waking mind was too strong.

Firelight danced over his hair as he lunged at the woman with the bright eyes. She watched as the woman was ripped apart. She listened as the woman’s screams filled the air. He needed to extract vengeance. It was obvious to her that he knew what the woman had done to her. While she had forgiven the woman, she knew Loki needed to let out some of the anger and so she simply watched as he did.

The woman’s blood was pretty, just as her own blood was. Loki looked handsome even as he had drops of red decorating his face. Yet he was sick, she knew. He was broken, just as she had been.

* * *

“Come forth, My God!” Vincent yelled as the air shimmered with threads of blue across the room. She was everywhere at once and she felt the faint pull of his call. “Serve your Master!”

The team held their breath as they prepared for it to happen. They’d never seen the moment the beasts came into existence but feared the result. One beast had left them banged up enough. If the new creature was even nearly as strong none wished to think of what could happen or if they could survive.

Loki knew well that he wasn’t in a position to battle much more. Thor was bloody and tired from his battle with the first beast. They were overall in no condition to take on another. It would be a mercy if the beast that was summoned with her life was weak. Yet if the beast was weak it would feel as if a waste of her life.

* * *

It was an amazing feeling to be everywhere at once. It was amazing to remember everything. She felt free. She felt whole. No, not whole. Almost. She wasn’t sure what she was or if she could have him but she wouldn’t let them hurt Loki anymore. They would not hurt her brother, her family ever again. The pain had to stop.

As easy as that, it was decided. They would never hurt another again. None would be left. None would live. None deserved to live. The masters did nothing but hurt people. They didn’t deserve to keep living. Yet she couldn’t bear to cause pain. She forgave them for the pain they caused her, it was they who made her what she was- whatever that was.

The Master called to her and she ignored it. He wasn’t worthy of her. She was her own being. She was her own master. Never again would she cower. Never again would she do as he ordered. Never again.

In a flash of blue threads of light, the Zealots and guards both were cut down. The only one left alive was Vincent, Master. They would never harm another. Confusion colored his face as the threads of light pulled themselves tight around him.

“No! I am your Master!” He yelled.

“You are master no longer.” Her voice was soft, hardly more than a whisper on the air. She was everywhere and thus her voice came from everywhere and nowhere.

Loki and Strange locked eyes for a moment before he looked to Tony. Something was happening that they didn’t have a hold of. None dared to breath for fear that the threads would change target and cut them down. None knew what to expect, what to trust.

“Hotaru?” Tony whispered.

“You are forgiven.” The voice said as the threads pulled tightly around the man and cut him down swiftly into many pieces.

It was messy. The room was bathed in blood. The sight and smell of the carnage pleased Loki very much. He wished he had caused it but still it pleased him.

“Is everyone okay?” Nat called out.

“The team is accounted for.” Steve looked around as he answered.

There was not a single guard or member of the cult left standing. No captives lived. Save for the team, the room was empty of living things. The silence was maddening. It felt as If time stopped for a short moment and no one moved. They knew the summoned beasts would attack them and so none were sure if they could trust the threads of blue light.

While each was trying to think of what to do now they felt the swelling of the power. Looking to the alter they each waited for the beast to be born. Surely they couldn’t get off that easy. Surely the battle could not be over.

Threads of blue collected together and became a ball of light that turned in on and around itself. It was beautiful but the sorcerers in the room were each keenly aware of the sheer amount of power contained in the ball. They could only hope that in manifesting in a physical form the beast would lose some power. As it stood they would likely forfeit their lives trying to defeat it.

“Go back to her.” Tony choked as he stepped forward. “Heal her. She needs to live. We need her to live. I need her to live.”

Loki watched silently while Tony pleaded for his sister’s life. All he could do was watch. He didn’t have the strength to beg. She was gone. It was over. She was dead. He failed. Nothing mattered beyond that failure.

Tony turned on Strange, “Bring her back! Take us back. You can do that. We can try again. We have to-”

“There is no way that would have saved her.” Strange spoke calmly, not taking his eyes off the mass of power. “I am sorry.”

There was a flash of calming blue light and the threads shattered into a million blue fireflies. They flew through the room while whispers of forgiveness seemed to settle in their ears with no identifiable source. Calm seeped into their minds and hearts as the team looked around, at each other for some sort of explanation.

Then, just like that the fireflies and the whispers where gone. No trace of power lingered in the room.

“No.” Loki shouted in protest as his legs finally began to move.

He hated the calmness in his heart. He hated the calmness in his mind. The madness that largely weighed in his mind was nearly gone. The thoughts that plagued him were nearly silent. He felt peace and he hated it. It was a gift from her, he knew but it wasn’t worth it. He didn’t want it. He’d cling to his madness if it meant he could have her for even a little longer.

By the time he climbed up the alter he was nearly running. Tony was following but wasn’t nearly as fast. Loki cried out in protest again even as he pulled her lifeless body from the alter. Tony came to his side as his knees gave out and he fell to the ground with her clutched to his chest.

Loki rested his back against the alter without giving so much as a fleeting thought to the blood that coated his leather covered back from doing so. He could just feel the coolness of the wet blood as he held her. She was limp in his arms as he drew his knees up and curled himself around her.

“No.” Loki repeated quieter. “Come back.”

“Is she…?” Tony knelt in front of them.

Loki swallowed hard before answering with a nod. Tony didn’t move to take her from him, though he wanted to. The truth was plain to see. Loki’s love for her was plain to see. It wasn’t something he could choose to be blind to any longer.

“Come back to me, my light.” The Dark God pleaded with his nose buried against her hair.

It hurt them to see this the most. The team who couldn’t be bothered to reach out to Loki with so much as an olive branch were confronted by the raw human emotions they told themselves so often that he couldn’t possess. Loki sat before them holding a lifeless body, wet eyes lit up by the torches and they saw him for what he was.

Tony saw him for what he was. For all these last few weeks Loki was nothing more than a broken man who had fallen in love. Why had that been so hard to see before? Why did it take something so drastic for them to see. It occurred to them that she had opened their eyes. None needed to say it but they each realized that was her parting gift to them. She gave them the strength to open their eyes and forgive.

How different things could have been for them all. What could have been didn’t matter. Tony ran his fingers over her dirty hair as he tried to understand. Strange said it was the only way and Tony wanted to hate him for it. Every time he tried however he’d picture the blue fireflies.

Somehow it was over. Somehow no beast come. Somehow with her death she saved them. Somehow there was no other way. They had to accept that. Even as she killed those that had hurt her so, she had forgiven them. It was her blessing. It was her gift.

Their deaths where swift, quick and painless. Only Vincent had even a moment to fear and even then his death was quick and without pain. She forgave everyone. In their hearts they knew she forgave each of them even as they knelt around her body. They were forgiven for their failings. They where forgiven for failing her. Their forgiveness was painful in a bitter sweet way. They each would rather have her smile than her forgiveness.

It was in her forgiveness that they must find strength now. They had to be strong for her. They had to be strong for all those who they would save in the future. More than anything, they needed to be strong for each other. They needed to be strong for Tony and Loki who would both feel her lose in such sharp way.

Tony swallowed as the tears fell freely from his eyes. Steve placed a heavy hand on his shoulder and Tony clutched at it with the hand not stroking her hair as if it was a lifeline. He took a handful of deep shaky breaths as he tried to gather his strength. He had to be strong.

“Lets take her out of here.” Natasha spoke softly from where she knelt.

“She doesn’t belong here.” Clint added.

“Brother?” Thor sat at Loki’s side with his eyes locked on the crown of her head and how her dirty hair cascaded over Loki’s arm.

It hurt more to look at Loki. It had occurred to Thor that he had a hand in setting the events of today into motion months ago. He should have not pushed. He should have taken care.

Without uttering a word, Loki stood with her in his arms. They were right, this was no place for her. His light didn’t need to be here in the darkness any longer than needed. As he walked, he didn’t look back. He walked with back straight and head held high. Each breath brought a wave of pain to his chest that threatened to take him to his knees. Tears fell from his eyes and dropped onto her but he paid them no mind.

He loved her and she was dead. He would be assured she was afforded every respect for the place she held even now still in his heart. Though he loved her dearly, she could never have been a Lady in life. He would see to it that in death she was given an Asgardian funeral fit for the woman he would have taken as his wife had he been blessed with even the slightest chance to do so now. She would be given every respect, sent off to Valhalla with a queen’s rights. If Thor was unwilling to give him this, he would see it done himself. 


	26. Chapter 26

 

Loki stepped out into the open air and took a deep breath. The moment was much needed to steady himself as he gazed down at her. Even in death, she was beautiful. Perhaps even more so with the weight of her pain gone from her face. All that remained was the purity of a girl who had quickly began to grow into a woman before his eyes.

The blue fireflies as they moved through the area seeming to not mind them for even a moment. They made quick work of snuffing the life out of each remaining guard and Zealot. It was simple as landing on them and their lives were over and the glowing bugs moved onto the next target. They didn’t seem to cause any pain in their killing. For those that they targeted life was simply over.

Loki couldn’t say what it was the Zealots had created from her soul but it seemed to mean him no harm. As the others joined him outside as a few fireflies flitted to them. The bugs danced between them. Sometimes they would even land but none of the team was harmed by them.

Tony choked back a sob as best he could as a few flew in a circle around where Clint and Natasha held onto each other for emotional support just as much as for physical. One bug landed on his hand and god did he never want it to leave him. It nearly killed him when the bug faded from existence, healing him of his worst injuries in the process.

Loki let out a breath as a firefly landed on him. A much needed calmness washed over him. The bug glowed a brighter blue for a moment before it faded from existence. As it faded he felt strength return to him. While he was still weak, he could function again.

She gave him the strength to do what must be done. She gave him the forgiveness and peace to carry on. With a sigh he turned his head skyward and watched as blue lights danced and moved through the darkness in the open sky above him. If he could not have her, he would cherish the peace she had given him even with the shadow of his madness still lurking deep below. Thanks to her, he could clearly think passed it.

Loki sent a wave of power crawling over the ground and into the forest behind the distance. She needed more than to be bathed in moonlight. The dirt and blood needed to be washed from her. True, he could do so with his replenished power but that was not the way. That was not their way and it would be done properly, he would see to it.

Without speaking a word, he walked across the lot and into the woods. He didn’t look around. He didn’t offer any consideration to the others. In his heart he knew what he had to do. This was his fault, if he had realized the cost sooner things could have been different. Now that the dust was settling this was the last thing he could do for her. It was the last thing he would ever be able to do for her.

“Loki? Where are you going?” Thor jogged to his brother’s side as the team slowly fallowed. Loki took swift but measured steps, not going too fast nor too slow.

“There is a stream. Dirt has no place on her.”

“You wish to bath her?” Thor asked before realizing and slowing his pace, allowing Loki to take the lead.

“What is he doing?” Tony asked as he walked next to Thor.

The team trailed behind. They were shell shocked and tired. Each of their hearts were heavy with grief and pain. It hurt to think about what needed to be done next. It was easier to just follow Loki. At least he showed some sort of direction.

“He is taking her to stream to wash her. Loki… My Brother taking going to care for her.” Thor was picking his words carefully, clearly unsure of how to he needed to explain the depth of what Loki was doing.

“To care for her?” Tony stumbled over a root as they moved into the forest.

“To cleanse her and care for her parting.” Thor steadied Tony as they moved deeper.

“Where are we even going?” Sam questioned.

Before Thor could answer the sound of water filled their ears. They watched silently as Loki walked into the rushing water. It was more a river than a stream but that only served his needs better. Kneeling in the icy water, Loki lowered her until most of her was submerged.

Thor slowly joined him, taking her legs from him and helping to keep her steady as Loki ran his hands over her. Softly he scrubbed at her arm and shoulders, washing away caked on dirt and dried blood. Thor worked at her other arm and rubbed at her back only to look up as Tony came to his side with Natasha and Clint not far behind.

“What can I do?” Tony softly asked.

“We must make her clean.” Loki swallowed and cleared his throat before continuing. “She must be made pure again.”

“This is how things are done in Asgard?” Clint softly asked.

“Yes.” Thor answered simply before deciding it would be better to continue. “Normally we’d have others do it for us but overall it is custom for those who loved the… parted… would do it.”

“If it is custom, why would you normally have another do it for you?” Nat asked as she ran her fingers over one lifeless foot. Clint was next to her, softly cleaning the other.

“Because we are royal.” Loki answered simply. “To care for the dead is below us.”

Thor simply nodded Steve joined in cleaning her. They worked slowly, carefully as silence fell over them. Periodically a blue firefly would visit them only to fly off again.

* * *

It wasn’t hard to find the rest of the Zealots. It took no time at all. Even as she spread out over the woods she could still see them. She could see them, be with them while also stretching over the world. Even as she put threads of power out around those monsters she was with them. She didn’t know how or why she knew how to do it but it came to her as easy as existing.

She watched from many eyes as her body was washed of dirt and blood. They washed her with care in their eyes and their touches. With ears everywhere she listened as they spoke softly to each other. Even as she hovered above, watching from everywhere she felt the chill of the water against the skin of the body that she used to reside in.

Loki washed the dirt with careful fingers from her face. The rushing water around them sent the blood and dirt downstream and away from her, away from them. It made her feel at peace to see them working together.

There was a soft reverence in their movements. Power swelled within her and she tightened the threads of power that reached out over the land. Each Zealot’s heart simply stopped beating. There was only a few moments before their vision went black. Within a few short moments they were dead.

She didn’t bath the land they stood on with blood this time. They had been forgiven for their sins against her. That was what mattered most. They would not be able to hurt another if they no longer lived. They didn’t need to suffer to make it so.

Even as she watched each fall to their knees, she watched as the blood was slowly washed from her hair. Loki worked threads of green magic through her hair, untangling it and nothing more. The act of cleaning her was being done with no magical assistance as she watched.

Did they know she was watching? Did they know that she could feel their soft touches as they scrubbed away the dirt and blood?

When all trace of blood and dirt was washed away, Loki stood with her in his arms and carried to the riverbank. As she watched on green threads surrounded the body that once was her. Water no longer dripped from her cold fingertips and toes. Her hair was no longer dripping with water.

The threads of green worked their way over and through the stained dress that covered what used to be her body. Those that had become her family each watched with care in their hearts. She could feel how they cared for her. She could feel their love. But it was Loki’s love that she felt more than anything.

It was clear as day how he had loved her and without the weight of the lies clouding her mind she could see it. The warmth of that love was amazing. She could feel it even as she felt the chill around him, just a bit colder than the air the surrounded the rest of the team. Though she couldn’t say how, she knew they all shivered from the cold water. All but him. He was at place in the chill of the night air.

“What now?” Tony asked weakly. After clearing his throat he asked again, voice stronger the second time as he watched a firefly pass by Strange’s face.

“Now I take her somewhere that matches her beauty and build a pyre.” Gazing down at her, Loki spoke as his power wove together to create a new dress for her as it ripped the old into shreds.

“It’s beautiful.” Thor ran his fingers over the fine silks of green and gold.

Loki had made her a dress not just fit for a fine lady of Asgard but one that his queen mother would have worn. It was truly fit for no less than a queen. The bodice clung to her form, highlighting her slender build. The cape that would drape over her back came around to clasp in the front with a wide buckle decorated with snake inlays. The fabric hugged her shoulders and did well to make it look as if she wasn’t as underweight as we truly had been. Simple green shoes graced her feet and her hair was pulled back by a delicate network of braids.

It was lost on the others but Thor saw what Loki was doing. He’d not had the chance to claim her in life. He’d not had the chance to redeem himself to her. While he never got the chance to call her his in life he would do so in her death. To deny her in life would always be the mistake that would haunt him and in her burial he wouldn’t repeat that mistake.

“Hold her?” Loki softly asked as he passed her off to Tony’s arms.

In death she would be sent on wearing his tokens, his symbols and adorned by him with his love. With hands that betrayed his pain in their slight shaking Loki pulled the necklace from the air with a flourish that he knew would have made her smile. The same necklace that he had held nightly the last few weeks was wrapped around her neck as he secured it in the back. The same necklace that had been the key to finding her.

“Let’s take her somewhere beautiful.” Tony urged.

With nods of agreement, the team followed Loki through the forest. He know where he was leading them. They’d not paid attention to where they were going on the way to the river and paid just as little attention to the path taken back to the quinjet.

“So, isn’t it illegal to just dispose of...” Clint broke the silence when they all sat safely inside the jet but his words died. He couldn’t finish. He couldn’t say ‘her body’ and instead just gestured toward where she rested, clutched in Loki’s arms. “...somewhere.”

“Not just somewhere.” Loki absentmindedly answered as he pushed her hair from her face. “The place where she belongs.”

“And where is that?” Natasha called from the cockpit as she started the engines.

“Norway.” Thor offered and Loki nodded. “That will do.”

“Loki, we can’t just-” Sam was cut off by Tony.

“I’ll make it happen. What do we need?” He didn’t care if it made him broke, if Loki wanted to give her a queen’s burial he would make it happen. She deserved it.

* * *

It amazed her how she wasn’t disoriented as she watched from both inside the jet and outside of it as it took off. Being everywhere at the same time should have made her feel ill, yet it did not. It felt right. There was the slightest tug in her heart as the jet rose into the air but still she felt at peace.

A blue firefly sat on a shelf in the jet unnoticed. It was hidden between secured supplies. She didn’t know if she could be crushed or what would happen to her if part of her was but she didn’t want to risk it. Additionally, from her place she could see them all. She could hear them all. For so long as she could, a part of her would stay with them.

Other parts of her stretched out over the land. It was beautiful and she soaked up the sights of the night forest even as parts of her went into the city to likewise soak up the sights of the busy people living their lives.

She was content to explore in an ever expanding net of blue fireflies when she felt another pull. This pull was different then the one that drove her to stay in part with her body. This pull took her toward a light in the sky, almost like a star yet she knew it wasn’t.

Following it, she found the light got stronger the closer she got. It got brighter and warmer. The call to it got stronger until she passed through it.

* * *

Stepping out of the light she felt the slight dampness on the grass under her foot. It was comforting though it was something she hadn’t expected to feel again. In all honesty, she hadn’t expected to feel anything again in such a way as this.

Looking around, she took in the grass that seemed to go on forever. Trees were spread thin, dotting the expanse of land in a calming way. She could imagine playing there as a child and how good it would feel to run forever. There was a woman in gold standing in the distance and she knew that the woman was waiting for her.

“Where am I?” She asked with a voice she hadn’t known she had. It wasn’t a dream, somehow she knew this.

“Valhalla, heaven… This place has many names, many sides.” The woman answered while holding her hand out with a kind smile on her face.

“Who are you?” She enjoyed the simplicity of just being able to speak a question.

“Who I am doesn’t matter.” The woman smiled at her as the sunlight danced on the waves of golden hair pulled back from her face.

“Little Light,” The woman rested a hand against her face and it felt warm, comforting. “This isn’t where you belong.”

“Why did you call me that?”

“Because that is what you are.” The woman simply said. “Come, walk with me for a spell. Let me know the woman who opened his heart.”

“Who’s heart?” Blue fireflies danced forward, urging her on to fallow the woman and so she did. The woman in gold made her feel safe and everything about her felt…right.

“My son.” The woman smiled warmly.

“Your son?” She asked even as she felt like she should know the answer like she had known so much she had no way of knowing.

“Yes, Hotaru. You mustn't forget who you are.” The woman’s arm snaked around her shoulders and pulled her into a warm hug. “My son, Loki. You mustn’t forget who he is.”

Once the words were said, it felt like she had always known who this woman was, what her name was. The smile on Frigga’s face was warm and full of love. Walking tucked into Frigga’s embrace felt right. She wondered if that was what it felt like to have a mother.

“Perhaps this is what it would have felt like to have a daughter.” Frigga spoke as of having heard Hotaru’s thoughts.

When the stopped walking Hotaru found that they were standing in front of a mass of white light much like the one she had flown into. Looking to Frigga she was met with a sad smile. The light didn’t feel warm like it had when she crossed over into this place. She didn’t want to go through the light again.

“Can’t I stay with you?” Tears surprised her by falling from her eyes only to be wiped away by Frigga’s warm fingers.

“This is not the place for you. In time you will come back to me but now you must go to him so that in time you can bring him back to me.”

“How can I? I’m dead.”

Hotaru looked down at herself expecting to see herself as she had been now that she’d been gathered into a solid form again. She expected to see dirt and blood to tell the story of what she had lived. Instead she saw a gown of blue covering a body that she knew was what life had intended for her to have.

Hotaru watched as Frigga reached up and pulled the golden circlet from her head. The crown had gone unnoticed by Hotaru until now due to its golden tone. In the distance, Hotaru could see a large man and though he was too far away for her to see him clearly, she knew he wore a smile of approval on his aged face. With a nod, he directed her attention back to his wife though Hotaru couldn’t say how she knew their bond. In Frigga’s hands the circlet slowly changed from gold to silver.

“There, that would fit you much better.” With gentle hands she rested the circlet on Hotaru’s head. The weight was comfortable. “He will know it when he sees it.” Frigga offered as a way of explanation.

“Okay.” She whispered, reaching up to touch the smooth metal.

“Go to them.” Frigga urged as she wrapped Hotaru in one last warm embrace. “Go to him. Guide him. Love him. You are his light but remember to be your own light as well. When your time comes, I will greet you here my daughter.”

Hotaru nodded knowing that Frigga was right but admitted, “I’m scared. I don’t know how to be a light?”

“You already are, Dear One. You must only go to them and be true to yourself.”

“How will I know how to love him?”

“If you feel it in your heart, you will know what to do. If your heart doesn’t beat for him then it wasn’t meant to be and he will find his own way back to me.” Frigga didn’t want to push her. She wanted her son to find his way back to her yes but if this little newly born goddess wasn’t to lead him home she would have to trust that he would find his own way.

Frigga’s voice was so relaxing in her ear. It sounded like home. In that way she knew so much she had no way of knowing, Hotaru knew that Frigga had once read to Loki when he was young like he had read to her in what was another lifetime.

“You’ll lose some of that.” Frigga ran her fingers through Hotaru’s dark hair. “That all knowing will leave you when you return.”

“How will I find my way?” She asked.

“Your light will guide you.” Frigga assured her with a hug. “You must go now.”

Frigga was right. As much as Hotaru didn’t want to leave this place of warmth and peace, she had to go. Now wasn’t her time. Even now she was still tied to that place. Even now she felt the pull to go back there.

With one last nod Hotaru let her arms fall slack as Frigga pulled back from the hug. Hotaru did her best to match her warm smile as she let herself fall back into the light. It was blinding and cold this time but it didn’t matter.

* * *

The quinjet landed some hours later in a field of green grass. Officials met them on the ground but Loki paid them no mind. The technicalities and legalities were something Tony could deal with should he wish. He wouldn’t allow one or anything to stop him from sending her off how he saw fit.

Thor followed close at his heels as he looked around. This place was beautiful and he wished she could have seen it. In the distance he could see a few of the blue fireflies dance in the shadow of a tree. If they would live on forever, he would cherish them each time he caught sight of them. They were as close to seeing her as he would ever be again.

At the top of a gently sloping hill wood was gathered. Alder he found it to be just as he had specified. Kneeling, he softly set her on the ground. If one didn’t know she was dead they would think he wished not to wake a sleeping woman. How dearly he wished she had only been asleep. They all wished it but that wasn’t the case.

Without speaking so much as a word to each other, Loki and Thor set about arranging the logs and boards. She was dead and gone but being given a great honor. The king and crown prince themselves prepared her pyre.

“Should we help?” Sam asked as the group watched on.

“I think...” Tony swallowed hard. “I think it should be them.”

His hands were shaking worse than Strange’s. His stomach rolled and had he anything more then just bile he’d have vomited again. Though the urge was constant, he had nothing left to push from his body. Perhaps if he did it could take some of the grief, some of the pain with it.

Even still, the burn for a drink was oddly absent from his mind. He knew somehow that it was her gift to him in parting. It would take everything he had not to fall into that trap again but she had cured him at least for the time being. Never again would he allow himself to fall into that trap. He had to be strong. He had to be better. He had promised her he would do better.

* * *

Hotaru watched from everywhere as her body was laid out on a stack of wood. In that special way that she knew things, she knew this wood was different, it was special. Magic was latent in this world, she knew it was so. It’s spark was hidden in many things and it took just the right touch to bring it out. She could see it in the trees around her, in the wood she was laid on.

She could see the flicker of golden power that resided in Strange and knew that he would become more powerful with time. His journey was only just beginning. In Clint was just a flicker, hardly there but still it was there. Just as it was in Natasha and Sam. Perhaps it was the spark of magic that gave them the strength to shoulder their burdens.

In Tony she could see a thread that mirrored what hers had been so long ago. If her life had not gone down the path it had, she knew in that way she knew so many things that her spark would have looked so very much like his. Thor’s crackled through him very much like the lightening he commanded.

It was Loki’s magic that was most beautiful to her. The threads of green moved about him perfectly at ease. They extended out and around him before pulling back in on themselves as if always seeking out more and reporting back. Never had she even begun to understand the power Loki had possessed when she was alive. Yet know she knew just as she knew he had the potential to be so much more.

With eyes from everywhere she watched as green flames came to life at the four corners of the bed of wood. As the unnatural flame caught and spread it changed, becoming orange as it grew until no trace of the green remained.

The faces of her family and the man she loved watched on and so she sent part of herself to them. Blue fireflies danced among them as she tried to offer comfort but they did not see.

Their eyes were locked on the fire as it grew and raged. The wood was dry and while Alder did not burn hot enough naturally Loki fueled the flames encouraging it to burn hotter. Tony closed his eyes, unable to watch as the fire claimed her body, severing the last tie and setting her free.

Hotaru wished he could see that she was not gone. The flames did nothing, though even now she felt the heat of the blaze as it ate through her dress and burned the flesh from her bones. It did not cause her pain for that body was no longer her. As bone finally crumbled into ash, she was free. No longer was she tethered to the body that had once been her.

If only they could see that they had done what was needed. With her body no more, she was free. Finally, she was free.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grab some tissues. This is it- the last chapter. I'll keep this short- I save most of my rambling for comments and Tumblr. This story has been my life for the passed six months since I began posting it on Tumblr. I set out to write this story without any confidence that I could do the idea justice. I didn't think I was good enough. Yet here we are, the final chapter. It hasn't always been easy to write this story, I've shed more then a few tears over this story and I'm a bit emotional now but I did it. I found my feet and my confidence and I can't wait to share more stories with you all in the future. I can't even begin to say how humbled I am to have had you all on this ride with me and I hope to see you're names again as I post my future works.  
> Much love as always,   
> Kit

 

Hotaru pulled the threads of herself together. She was stretched far across the world and now she knew that she couldn’t be any longer. They needed her. She needed them. It was time that she became one being again and went to them.

It was hard to control where she gathered. It took all her effort to make sure she gathered in a place where she could feel them close by. Still, she felt the urge to spread even as she fought it. The temptation to remain everywhere and nowhere was great. The temptation to keep the knowledge of all she knew was great.

Now wasn’t the time for such things, she knew. It wasn’t her time. When the time came, she would be in the place of warmth and light with those who loved her and she would be as she was intended to be. She had but only wait for her time to come. Now was the time to be with them. Now was the time to be with him. She wondered if that was true or if she had simply wished it to be so. Did it really matter if it was true? What she did know was that she wanted to be with them, with him again.

As more of her gathered into one place she could feel the knowledge slipping from her. Reaching out with fingers that were not yet opaque she scratched at the moss on the tree. It was a very real risk that when she was formed again, she wouldn’t remember in what direction her family was.

What she would be or remember when she was solid again was unknown. It wasn’t the only thing that became unknown to her and as she became more solid the fear built more and more. She didn’t want to forget. She didn’t want to not know things again. Not knowing things was frightening.

With the newly returned ability, she pulled a deep breath into her newly created lungs in an effort to calm herself. It worked some even as she kept most of her attention focused on the task of gathering herself together in a very literal sense. Around her she could see the blue fireflies coming from all directions but as each became one with her it became harder and harder to see from their eyes.

To be as she needed to be would cost her so much, yet she knew it was a price she had to pay. A sigh escaped her lips as she felt whole again. Not all the blue bugs had joined into her, some floated through the air around her but she knew that they where her and she was them. They were a part of her and would do as she commanded.

Looking around with new eyes, she didn’t recognize the forest any longer. The air smelled fresh and foreign. Simple dark blue flats covered her feet when she looked down to see why she didn’t feel the dirt.

Why wasn’t she dead? Where was she? Hotaru tried to remember, tried to fight off the panic as she looked around. Her breath came in white puffs but the chill was hardly of note to her. She would have preferred to have a blanket around her shoulders or a coat to wear but she’d not freeze to death. When she tired to remember why she wouldn’t freeze it took effort for it to come into her mind. She was no longer human.

Reaching out, she traced her fingertips over the moss that had been partially ripped from the tree. It was a sign, she knew even as she couldn’t place as what. It scared her. She knew that not even an hour ago she knew these things and so much more but now she had forgotten. Hotaru also knew that she had made the choice to forget. The cost of her knowledge was worth what she was gaining. It was something she had to trust in.

A blue firefly caught her eyes and she was surprised. Fireflies had never been blue before. It was unnatural but important. She knew that much. With a deep breath she tried to focus. The blue bug was her and while she had forgotten, they would show her the way.

She had to trust in it. She had to trust in herself. It was absolutely terrifying to do so however. With a deep breath she placed her trust in the bug and in herself. She had to have left the bugs separate from herself for a reason.

One foot in front of the other drew her onward. Each step became easier. The forest around her was beautiful and so she took what comfort she could in that. Pushing passed a tree with fluffy moss hanging down, it tickled her nose and made her sneeze.

The sound surprised her. Thinking on it, it probably shouldn’t have. She had no aches or pains from where she had been beaten. Nothing on her ached, not even her feet. This body was new and the realization brought a joy to her heart. A laugh spilled from her lips and bubbled into the air around her.

She didn’t know how long she had walked or how much distance she had covered. It was as if a fog clouded her mind and she was fighting to think clearly. As long as she followed the blue fireflies it would be okay. They would lead her to where she needed to be. They would lead her home.  

* * *

 

It had been a long night. None left, none slept  for  even a moment. Some couldn’t bear to look, to watch the fire consume her. At times some had sought comfort in one another. Soft touches, firm hugs and the reassuring presence of friends that had become family. 

The fire burned long into the night and Loki stood stock still most of the time, eyes locked on the flames. Thor rested his hand firmly on his shoulder. It was a comfort Loki never thought he would accept yet the animosity he held toward his elder brother was a shadow of what it had once been. 

It was forgiven. That was the gift she had offered. He would move on clutching her memory so as to never forget that strength of her forgiveness. With it, he would forge a new path leaving past hurts and aggression both behind and what would come of it would only be known in time. 

It wouldn’t always be easy, Loki knew. He also knew that she had lightened the weight he had to carry. It was her wish. It was her gift.  Though at times he may not want to, he had to move on with the slate wiped clean. Each of them had to. 

He would give anything to have the weight back if it meant he could see her again.  

* * *

 

It was nearly midday when the embers cooled and everything was reduced to nothing but ash.

“What now?” Tony asked,  breaking a silence that had lasted for hours. 

“It is not yet done.” Loki crouched down, resting his  fingertips on the edge of the scorched  ground. 

With little effort, he pulled together the ashes from the burned wood and formed them into a clay  of sorts .  Threads of his magic pushed and pulled at the  lump of clay  until it was what he needed it to be. A flash of green fire lit from the air and  when it winked out of existence, the urn was complete  however unglazed.

It didn’t remain for long in its plain state.  The surface of it shimmered  as the surface changed into a deep green with gold accents. A glossy glaze covered it and green fire bloomed into existence around the urn again before winking out.  It was finished.

* * *

 

When she reached the edge of the forest Hotaru could just see them.  She watched as the y dug into the ground. They worked together and thought she wanted to go to them, it felt as if her feet were rooted in place.  All she could do was watch. She could see their love in how they set about the tasks. 

While the team dug a deep hole, Loki set about planting a tree. Alder, just as the wood he had burned her body on. His threads of power pushed and urged it to grow strong and tall. Under it he began pulling the ashes of the burnt alder into another clay. This one he formed into a statue.  All the while, she watched on from just beyond the treeline. 

Under the tree  she sat, back against the wood  made of stone. Before she would have not recognized  the woman made of stone as herself. It was different now that she had the chance to see herself as they did. 

Blue firefli es danced around them. Some landed on the figure of her. Some danced around where she stood just beyond the treeline.  They offered comfort in their way as she watched  from the distance . 

* * *

Loki nodded when Tony picked up the urn.  While it was his right as her love to prepare her rights, it was her blood family’s right to set her in the ground. While Loki wanted to do it all himself  but it wasn’t his place  and so he directed Tony on what to do

“I love you, Lil Bit.” Tony whispered as he clutched the smooth urn to his chest  after Loki had filled it with all that remained of her. Tony had to trust that it was as Loki said, purely her inside . Tears dripped onto it as he struggled to take calming breaths. Now wasn’t the time to break down. “ I’ll make you proud.” 

* * *

The wind took his words to her ears as she watched. Still her feet refused to move. It wasn’t the right time yet, she knew though how she couldn’t say. It was the way of things for her now and she had to trust in it. She would know when it was right. 

* * *

 

Once the urn was settled into the hole, they looked again to Loki for direction. Kneeling, he took a fistful of dirt and tossed it in. Then he tossed another in. Taking the hint, the team joined in filling the hole slowly by hand.

As they worked, Thor took his place  in front  of the hole. Kneeling he took one handful of dirt and tossed it in before standing tall again. Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath  to calm his nerves. With a deep and measured voice he let the words pour forth.

“Lo, There do I see my Father

Lo, There do I see my Mother and

My Brothers and my Sisters

Lo, There do I see the line of my people back to the beginning

Lo, They do call to me

They bid me take my place among them in the halls of Valhalla

Where thine enemies have been vanquished

Where the brave shall live Forever

Nor shall we mourn but rejoice for those that have died the glorious death.”

* * *

Everyone was silent as Thor’s words sat heavy on their hearts. The meaning of them was clear even if they didn’t know the ceremonial weight behind them. Thor looked to Loki and nodded. Moving to the side, he took to his knees and tossed in another handful of dirt while Loki moved to stand in the place vacated by Thor and like Thor he squared his shoulders and began to speak.

“My dearest one,” Loki paused, steeled himself as a single tear fell. He wasn’t prepared for this. He would never have been prepared for this, even thousands of years from now and yet he had to continue. This had to be done. He had to say what needed to be said here and now. There was no more time. There was no lying or tricking his way out of this.

His Light deserved so much better than tricks and lies regardless. She deserved his truth and his emotions. For once in his life finding the right thing to say was nearly beyond his capabilities. He had to do it anyway. So he gathered the courage to use his silver tongue and forced the words to come, force his soul to bear itself to her one final time.

“My darling Hotaru,” he started again “There are so many things I could say to you here and now, and none of them would be the right thing. No mere words could repair the pain your loss has cost any of us, has cost you most of all. No words in any of the nine realms can express my remorse at failing you. No words can express the depth of my sorrow. Nothing can describe the hole in my heart where your light used to be. You were my heart, my darling, my life, my light, and it is my fault that light is gone. I failed you, my love. I failed you and the Norns themselves weep for the loss of the light your brought to all of us. I pray that you found the land of Valhalla, my darling, my love. The Allfather would be a fool not to welcome you to his realm,” he paused again.

He fought for breath, fought for the control he needed to keep his tears at bay just a little longer. There were more things that needed to be said. Just a little longer. A little longer and he could mourn, could let his soul bleed for his loss. “I hope beyond all reason, beyond all expectation, that if I somehow earn a place in the land of Valhalla you might one day forgive me for failing you so. I swear to you, my darling, that I will fight with all that I am with all of my power, skill, and being to be worthy to join you in Valhalla, if only to grovel at your feet for your forgiveness.”

When he finished speaking he dropped to a knee again and tossed another handful of dirt into the hole. “There will never be a moment where you are no longer in my thoughts, where you no longer hold my heart,” one more sentence. The worst one, but it needed said.

“Goodbye, My Light.”

While Loki spoke, none could dare bring their eyes up off the mound of dirt in front of his feet. They couldn’t stomach looking at him now that it was clear. Each blamed themselves. Each knew there were things they could have done differently. Each knew they had failed her. It was clear as day however as they sniffled and looked to the ground that none blamed themselves as much as Loki did.

After the silence stretched on Thor cleared his throat before softly speaking, “It is done.”

* * *

With a deep breath Hotaru stepped forward. Now was time. It was as if the fireflies were telling her this, though she had no reason to believe such. She simply had to trust. A few blue fireflies danced around the team. Others danced around her and lead her on. They showed her the way, urging her forward even as her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest.

Each step took her closer to them as she worked her way closer. Watching as she walked, she wondered if they would know her. She looked different now.

She wanted to call out to them but fear found itself rooted in her heart. They were hurt, mourning her. What if they thought she was a trick. What if she hurt them too much. What if she shouldn’t have come back? What if it was better for them to not go back?

The time for ‘what if’ had passed however as the blue bugs flew out in front of her. Dancing in front of the team’s eyes they battled for their attention. Sucking in a breath she tried to smile as they turned around.

“Who are you?” Tony called out to the woman that was walking up into the small clearing. “Private party.”

Hotaru couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good to see him again with her own eyes. To hear his voice. To listen to him sass someone even if she was the target at the moment.

Loki watched as blue fireflies danced in front of him. They seemed to be beckoning them. He needed to trust them but that didn’t stop him from reaching out to the woman who looked too familiar. His heart was beating out of his chest as he waited for confirmation of what he hoped was true.

It was too much to dare hope for. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be but it was. With the threads of his power dancing around her, touching her he couldn’t begin to deny it.

One step he didn’t remember taking took him closer. Then another. For a moment he wondered if he’d gone insane but he couldn’t argue what he knew. The others were saying things but he couldn’t make their words out over the sound of his blood rushing in his ears.

“Hotaru.” He breathed her name in shock.

“Loki?” The voice that came from the woman was music in his ears. It was so right and he knew it just as he knew the feel of her soul though he’d never heard the sound in his life.

“My Light.” He whispered.

Each step came faster and before he knew it he was running to her. It didn’t matter because she was running as best she could to meet him, though her legs didn’t take her across the ground nearly as fast as him. He didn’t slow as he approached. They crashed together as Loki threw his arms around her waist and lifted her off her feet. Tucking his face into her shoulder he sucked in a shaking breath as she clutched him. He spun her once, then a second time before his legs gave out.

He didn’t let his grip weaken even as his knees hit the grass. Clutching her, he sat back and murmured her name over and over in her ear. Running his fingers through her smooth dark hair he took in the scent of her. It was different but under everything it was the same. She smelled fresh, like a running river.

Fireflies danced around them as they sat. Again and again he sent threads of his power over her. Again and again they told him what he already knew. He wasn’t dreaming. She was here. This was her. She was alive. She was healed.

“Loki.” She whispered his name as she wrote it on his leather covered back out of habit. God did it feel good to hear his name on her lips. It felt just as good for her to be able to say it.

“Little Light?” Thor knelt by his brother’s side. Loki was repeating her name as a chant, clutching the woman to his chest with his fingers tangled in her hair but it couldn’t be true. They’d just completed her rights. He had watched her body burn and turn to ash with his own eyes. “How?”

“Loki?” Tony questioned as the team reached him.

“They did it.” Strange answered. “They accomplished their goal, they made a God. Or in this case, a Goddess.”

“Svetlana?” Natasha crouched by the woman, locking eyes with her. The gray was brighter, almost blue. So different and yet somehow still the same.

“Nat.” She whispered, reaching out and grabbing the redhead’s hand as tears gathered in her eyes.

“Lil Bit?” Tony all but pushed Natasha aside. “Taru? Is that really you?”

“Yeah, Tony. It’s me.”

Loki shifted, finally giving her room to move in his lap. Turning to face Tony, she threw her arms around his neck as he held her tight even while she sat in Loki’s lap. Loki’s fingers traced the silver circlet that rested atop her head, drawing her attention back to them.

“Mother had one just like it.” Thor spoke Loki’s thought.

“Frigga loved you both dearly.” Hotaru reached up and ran her fingers over the smooth metal. “I didn’t want to leave her but she said I had to.” With a shake of her head she cleared the thoughts.

“You saw her?” Loki gaped.

“I did. She sent me back to you when I was unsure how to be.”

Loki’s hand slid down from the silver circlet in her hair to rest on her neck. His thumb softly caressed her jaw as he brought his forehead to rest against hers.

“I failed you. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve a second chance.” His voice was soft and tight with the pain that still lived in his chest. While he felt he didn’t deserve to hold her, to have her back he couldn’t fathom letting go of her.

“Enough.” She kept her voice firm. “I heard you. I saw you. I was there.”

“What?” Tony questioned as Loki looked down at her.

“I was there. I was everywhere. I felt the cold of the river. I watched as you cared for me. I felt the fire. I watched it burn. You did it all yourself.” She couldn’t say why she felt the need to tell him this but she must. That way she knew things that she had no reason to know. It probably had a lot to do with the little blue firefly that was perched on her leg.

The look of panic on Tony’s face told her she didn’t speak what she intended to say well. It was odd to her, having a voice to say things. She’d have to learn to pick her words like she did before. If she spoke without thinking things could be misunderstood.

“No, it was good.” She reached out to Tony again, squeezing his arm to reassure him. “It was needed. If it wasn’t done, I couldn’t be here. I was… lost? I was everywhere and nowhere. I couldn’t be in one place because I couldn’t be her. She was dead and I needed to move on, become more but I couldn’t.”

“What do you mean, you’re not her? You’re my Hotaru… aren't you?” Tony’s walls came up startlingly fast but she was ready. It needed to be said.

“I am her. She is me. But I am different. She died. I live reborn.” And so begun the daunting task of trying to explain something she was just beginning to understand herself. What of the old Hotaru remained and who the new Hotaru is.

* * *

Loki didn’t want to leave her but he had to speak to Tony. There were things that needed to be said. He stood tall as he shut the door to the conference room after the last of the team had left, closing him in with Tony alone.

“You need to buy me dinner first.” Tony joked though his voice gave hint of just how tired the man was. It was odd to him the way he simply didn’t have the instant fear reaction to the God any longer.

“I must speak to you as a man.” Loki stated simply, getting Tony’s attention.

“What’s up not-a-god-right-now Loki?” Tony really did find himself amusing. “What do you need to talk to me about without them?”

“Hotaru is different.” Loki stated simply.

“I know.” Tony Admitted. “She explained that. I just can’t wrap my head around it.”

“She’s reborn. Her form is a manifestation of her power. She is a goddess now.”

“And that means what, exactly? Because I look at her and she’s still my baby sister.”

“She can speak for starters. She is your sister but she is more now.”

“What does that even mean?” Tony snapped.

“She’s no longer of this world.”

“Just tell me.” Tony nearly yelled, snapping under the weight of the stress. It was something he had never would have braved directing toward Loki before but now that he didn’t have the shadow of fear it came easy.

“She’s immortal. Not every Asgardian was a god. Not all lived as long as we. She will.” The thought alone sobered Tony instantly. “She could find love here on Midgard but they’d die and she’d live on without them. She could find love somewhere else however. With someone who perhaps will be as long lived as she.”

“What are you getting at?” Tony sighed.

“I wish to court her properly with your blessing. We’ve not always seen eye to eye nor have we always been on the same side yet I ask this of you as her last blood, grant me your blessing.”

“And if I say no?”

“I’ll court her anyway.” Loki admitted, not even bothering to pretend to be ashamed of it.

“I want to blame you, you know that right?” Tony sipped his glass of water and the thought of whiskey was only a passing whim.

“It was my fault.”

“It wasn’t. At least not completely. We all fucked up. I can’t blame you without blaming myself and everyone else. If we’d done any number of things differently… but it doesn’t matter. That’s the thing- I think… I think Strange knew this was going to happen and it hurts like hell but I think it happened for a reason.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I think she had to die for you two be together. I’m saying that you’ve got my blessing. I’m saying that you can bet your ass that I’ll still kill you if you hurt her again.”

Loki nodded and turned sharply on his heel leaving Tony alone with his thoughts. Strange said it had to happen. Strange said there was no other way. He took two deep breaths and downed his glass of water. He had to put trust in the thought that everything would be okay.

* * *

The day was long and it seemed like they would never leave her side. It took urging to get them to leave her and get rest. She would be here when they woke, she promised. Never would she dream of leaving them again. It was weird to them for her to speak, to hear her speak.

Loki had been glued to her side the whole trip back to New York. Even in the tower he’d not leave her for a second. Eventually she was able to get them to leave her be long enough for them all to change, shower and complete their reports.

She needed that time alone to gather her thoughts. Even now she felt the pull to scatter apart. It would get easier with time, she knew. As she wondered the living space, she thought about Frigga. The woman was kind and now that she had met their mother Hotaru could she the shadow of the woman’s love in both her sons.

Turning, she faced the hall. “Hello, Loki.”

The sound of her voice was music to his ears. Never would there be a time when he grew tired of hearing her voice. It was something he never thought he would get to hear. He thought he had missed his chance. Now as he walked up to her in his formal Asgardian garb, he would not allow another chance to be lost.

She was so beautiful standing in front of the backdrop of large windows looking over the city. Clearly she was reborn a Goddess in her own right. He could feel the fearsome power that was contained within her but knew that she was not a warrior Goddess. He would see to it she knew how to defend herself though he wouldn’t allow her to ever need it.

The deep blue of her dress clung to her before flowing down her legs. It tapered, allowing her to walk without fear of tripping yet the back trailed just dusting the ground. It was wholly unpractical for walking through the woods as she had and far too beautiful to be standing around the tower in.

Atop her head still rested the circlet that had been his mother’s. Even now he struggled to wrap his mind around the fact that she had gone across the veil and spoken with his dear mother. She was strong enough to bring something back with her. The latent power within her easily rivaled that of Frigga. In time, perhaps the reason for the power would be revealed. It was just as possible that they could never know the reason she held such power within her.

“Am I like you now?” She asked softly as he stepped up to her. The chill of his hands as he ran them up the sides of her exposed arms were comforting. It was the same when there was so much that seemed different and so much she was still trying to figure out.

“In some ways, My Heart.” He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to possess her. He wanted to claim her. It felt like his heart would beat out of his chest for every moment he couldn’t lay claim. “In the ways that matter most.”

“I don’t understand. Everything is so different and not?” Hotaru took a shuddering breath. “What do I do?”

“Little Love,” He cooed, “I’ll teach you. I will always be there to guide you for so long as you want. Do not worry.”

“I’m scared.” She admitted.

“Of what?”

“That I’m not what they need me to be, what you need me to be.”

“Do not worry about such things. You must find who you are now. Do not worry about what you are to others. You must find who you are. I can teach you what you are but it is up to you to discover who you are.”

“This is who you truly are.” It was a statement of fact rather than a question and it caught him slightly off guard. He waited for the disgust. Surely she finally saw through him and would realize he wasn’t worth anything. He’d not even need to show her the true color of his skin to send her away. “A prince. Noble. But also, a kind man.”

Reaching out she rested her hand on his chest. Under the leather and silk she could feel his heart beating wildly against his ribs.

“Lady Hotaru Stark.” After taking a deep breath to try and calm his nerves he dropped to a knee and took up her hand. “I, Loki son of Odin, Prince of Asgard, rightful King of Jotunheim, humbly ask that you might consider allowing me to begin a formal courtship.”

“I don’t know how?” She felt dumb as soon as the words left her.

“Just trust me and say yes so I can get up.” Loki instructed.

“Yes.” She answered dutifully and Loki would be lying if he tried to say he didn’t like how she still did as he said.

“I do the courting, there is nothing for you to do beyond decide if I am worthy-”

“You are.” Her interruption made him laugh.

“I still wish to court you as you deserve. You will answer if I am worthy when I ask.” He stressed and she nodded, biting her lip. There was so much she didn’t know, didn’t understand still but it felt right.

“Know that I love you, Little Light. I always will.” Loki rested his hand on her neck, fingers lost in her hair as he looked down at her. Her hands settled on his chest as she nodded.

‘I love you’ She wrote over his heart earning a smile from him, not voicing the words. It was a message meant just for him.

As his lips slowly met hers she felt surrounded by the chill of him. It was comforting. It felt like home and she knew she was right where she belonged. Around them blue fireflies danced to a silent song only they could hear.

Finally, Hotaru Stark had come home. 


End file.
